the holy or the broken

Random Thoughts

2012-02-02T11:05:00.002-06:00

Facebook and twitter and cell phones add new dimensions to parenting. I get to be so much more aware of my kids lives. Have to be more worried about the constant communication and the intimacy that comes with that. And I get to see way more than I want to know. But just like knowing your kids friends, their parents, what their houses are like, monitoring clothing choices, these have to be monitored also. I did threaten Whitney the other day with a punishment, getting her a flip phone. Not taking her phone away, but giving her a “dumb” flip phone. SMH! At myself.

We are back church shopping. Well not till after volleyball season, until then we will attend churches that have Saturday evening services. Apparently our new church didn’t love us as much as we loved them. Nuff said. I was willing after this last week to not go at all, which is sad because I love church. Steve won’t let us do that. (I didn’t really want to anyway). It’s in God’s hands, right? He has a plan for us, even if we continue to make our own way, off his path, he veers us back on at some point. For some reason I just pictured a herd of cattle trying to go its own way and a dog barking at them to corral them through the gate. I’m not saying I’m a cow or God’s a dog, just a weird thought that came to mind.

My training for the marathon had me concerned, but I couldn’t add mileage too fast without risking injury, so I added high impact cardio classes 4-5 times a week. NOTE TO SELF: You are not tough enough for 30 minutes of 8 MPH sprints followed by Shalen’s Zumba class. Also when you show up to zumba or turbokick after running you are already sweating. Which means you will sweat sooner and heavier than you usually do in these classes. Sweat on hardwood floors can be dangerous. REMEMBER THIS!

I wonder how many times I can cancel a before work run with Sheila before she gives up our friendship? It’s lasted 30+ years, is this the thing that might break it?

Proverbs 31

2012-01-31T11:32:00.001-06:00

I try to read Proverbs every day. I don’t always, but I read whatever Proverb lines up with the day of the month. Which means I only read Proverbs 31 seven times a year. It’s full of good stuff. I don't usually feel like a Proverbs 31 woman. I'm a spaz, and I know it, but I keep trying. Different portions stick out to me from time to time. Today, these are the thoughts my rambling mind pulled out of these scriptures.

15 – she provides food for her family. I know they didn’t have McDonald’s or Taco Bell in that day, but that does count, doesn’t it?

17 – her arms are strong for her tasks. It’s scriptural that I go to the Y and lift weights. My arms need to be strong.

21 – when it snows, she has no fear for her household. I think I need to remember this everytime I put away coats and jackets. I am thankful we have warm outerwear.

30 – a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. I talked with my sister the other night about the holy and just side of God. I am so glad he’s loving and forgiving and merciful. But I don’t ever want to forget that he is a God of justice, and that means there are consequences to my actions and for my sin. He paid for it. It’s forgiven. I am free.

But the writer of the Proverbs, believed by many to be Solomon (also known as King Lemuel??) learned this from his mother, Bathsheba. And she saw the “dark side” to use Peggy’s words of God as his justice met David’s actions. David and Bathsheba were forgiven for their sin. But they suffered consequences for their actions.

I don’t want to be guilty of ignoring this side of God. I want to fear the Lord and his power. I want to remember he is a just God. Just because I have the “fire insurance” that keeps me out of hell, it is not reason to live like the devil, as my mom would say.

In my corner

2012-01-29T20:54:00.000-06:00

Three zumba classes...I'm no longer lost. However, when I get to a sequence I know and can do well, I want to keep doing it while the class moves on. Two short runs, 2.5 miles of speedwork and a 15 mile long run on the trail.

First club volleyball tournament. Whitney played great. You know I'll be sharing pictures. Team needs some work, but show a lot of promise. Coach Joe Barber, large black man, fireman when he is not coaching volleyball, looked terribly cute in his black, red and white polka dot headband that matched the girls hair ribbons.

Whitney has a fever blister. Ruining her life.

I ate the biggest, fattest, sweetest grapefruit I've had in months. Worth talking about, it was that good.

Nate had to file a tax return for the first time ever. He made way more money than I thought he did last year.

Had dinner and Starbucks after with my sister.

I just complained about doing dishes. (There's only three of us where there used to be seven, and yet I complained). Steve was very helpful. He told me to throw them away and buy new ones.

Sydney is home

2012-01-28T00:14:00.001-06:00

She is home...praise God!

I have facebook envy

2012-01-26T07:00:00.000-06:00

The other day I logged onto facebook and saw everyone posting about how great their

Dinner
Spouse
Kids
Lives
Workout
Marriage, etc.
Was. Is.

I also saw one that said I am happy, one that gave advice on how to have a great marriage (it was stupid advice, but still…) one that was before and after weight loss pictures and a “buy my product and you can look like me too”. I always want to ask what happens when I quit your product? Do I gain 50 pounds back? Because that’s my experience. No matter how you lose your weight, if you don’t stay with it it all comes back. Whether it’s pills, eating prepackaged Styrofoam, or my way of counting calories and running my but off.

This will eventually be the reason I terminate facebook. I know that no one has a perfect life. Or maybe I am the only one who really does have problems. I have a dang good life but it’s far from perfect. I guess I’m too much of a realist. I don’t want to post a picture of dinner, like the grilled chicken and squash marsala that I made that was as beautiful as it was tasty, because I would feel the obligation to post the follow up meals the next two days. Fazoli’s and a bowl of cheerios.

I had a good 13 mile run. I just would feel that telling you all about my good 13 mile run would require that I also let you know that at mile 4 I realized it was lunch time and I hadn’t even had breakfast yet so I ran in Quik Trip and had a donut. With caramel frosting. And discussed running and running tights with the cutest little 9 year old that was willing to take up long distance running for purple tie dyed running tights. And at mile 10 I stopped for a drink. At Starbucks. I was needing energy, I was cold, it was 32 degrees out. It helped immensely, providing caffeine, sugar and warmth. Real runners might judge me for this and yet by my standards it was a good run…

My marriage? Sometimes you can do all the right things and still have bad things happen. But Sunday morning leading worship with Steve and he prays at the end of the worship set before the sermon and I can hear and feel the emotion in his voice, and I know we are good. I know in spite of everything we’ve lived through or maybe because of everything we’ve lived through, we’re tougher, we’re stronger and we’re good. We are where we want to be, together.

My kids? Single moms; divorce imminent for one; one taking a semester break from college trying to figure out life and why things happen and make some changes for the good; adoption for a grandchild coming up; and let’s not forget my little cyber bully. Yet I love them fiercely, passionately, and can give you a mile long list of good qualities about each one of the five.

Anyway, I spouted off that I had facebook envy. Everyone seemed to have their lives together and I remain me. I admit I’m a spaz. And I got an outpouring of “I’m a spaz too”. Paraphrasing, but you get the idea. Letting me know that I’m not the only one that doesn’t have it all figured out. One friend says If I'm not me, then we aren't we, and I love Carrie to death, so I'm keeping that we. One friend simply commented, “hello? Have you met me?” Yes, Elia, and I love you. Another one said we can be a mess together and if Kimberly's a mess, yes please, I'll have some of that. One dear friend posted a picture of her monster filled dust bunny just to help me feel less alone. Teresa’s so cool.

How awesome is my herd! The comments didn’t even include the friends who contacted me outside this virtual world to let me know not how awesome I am, but how unawesome they are too. I loved that. I didn’t need to be built up, I needed to know there were other women who don’t have it together either.

There is one more I don’t get. I can pray in front of people. Bible Study, corporate worship, before meals, with my family. I can share my prayer life. But as a facebook status? Typing out some beautiful prayer on facebook? If I'm typing prayers ine should be “dear God, don’t let me post this…”

Maybe it’s because Jesus hasn’t friended me yet?

However, He does follow me on twitter.

Missing

2012-01-25T09:05:00.000-06:00

I got an alarming text Monday night, a prayer request from my friend Sheila. A close family member is missing. Last seen Monday night getting into a green van after school. On the south side of Wichita. She's a 16 year old sophomore.

Sydney is the girl in the front, her cousin Madison is also in the picture. Remember when I hit rewind and went to see my friend in his band back from the college days? Sydney is his daughter.

I would like to ask you all to pray for her safe return. At this point, no one knows where she is, who she's with, why she is gone. No one has heard a word from her since Monday.

Thank you.

Of opossums and pills

2012-01-23T11:58:00.000-06:00

I woke up late this morning. The effects of too much weekend, early wake ups on Saturday and Sunday, the 13 mile run, the zumba class…

Add to that my stress shoulder is stressed again. I was in pain and disgruntled about having to call the doctor and get a refill of my muscle relaxer or next step to the chiropractor when I found my prescription bottle. Still had two pills. And six refills left. So I took a pill and called the pharmacy. And was relieved that she gave me six refills for a year because it let me know this was something the doctor knew wouldn’t go away immediately. They don’t make me drowsy, but I sleep like I’m dead. And while it may not be dreamless, no dreams woke me or kept me awake, at least not that I remember.

But if I could figure out how to dream in full length novels I would have a writing career.

Back to my late morning. As I finish up with hair and make up I think to peek in Whitney’s room and she is still NOT OUT OF BED! I raise my voice (yell), tell her she has 15 minutes to be ready (she doesn’t make it) and head to the kitchen to pack lunches. I pack both hers and mine and throw some extra crap in hers so she can eat it for breakfast or between classes because I think she has late lunch today, not till 1:00. Then I go to take the trash out to the curb. Usually I do this on Sunday nights, but it was so windy that it blows the trash cart over. And my trash cart is full and heavy, but it was just that windy. The bungee cord that holds the lid down is broken so when the cart blows over the trash spills. The trash bags are all securely fastened, but we live really close to nature and the wild animals (skunks, opossums and raccoons) rip into the bags for our garbage. After Steve and Whitney watched the episode of “Infested” (I happened to be in the room) where the opossums took over the girls apartment and she ended up in the hospital with typhus I’m still a little freaked out, I hate opossums, so I waited till this morning to drag the trash out.

Twenty-five minutes after my fifteen minute deadline Whitney makes it to the car. I go back in to get her lunch and grab an extra pony tail holder while I’m in there because it takes two to hold her 15 pounds of hair.

And then...I get a notification on facebook (Shout out to Belinda for the encouraging words, much needed and appreciated) “Good morning, I don’t want you to have FACEBOOK envy. (a post for another time) You are going to have a special week because you are a daughter of the King. Keep pressing on to know Him. Love you."

What a great reminder.

Also got a reminder from Whit that I’m out of altoids and that dad saves the last one for her.

In my corner

2012-01-22T15:02:00.002-06:00

11 weeks till marathon. Yesterday morning I told Steve I want to run the marathon April 7, I just don't want to do the training. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way so after worship team practice I ran home from church, the long way. 13 miles or so. It was cold and a little bit windy, but not too bad. Every week the longer distances get a little easier.

Whitney had a couple of scrimmage volleyball games. She's getting to play front row as a hitter as well as her back row defense position. It's fun watching her again.

Found out this week that Gracepoint is growing and they will be adding a third service in March. I'm thrilled about that, love to see the growth and lives changing. BUT...I will most likely have to give up being part of the worship team because I can't spend six hours at church on Sunday with two hours on Saturday for practice. Also, my voice is shot after two services today. (Screaming back up for Steve on Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" probably was a big part of that, good thing Gil was screaming along with me). Will have to decide if I can manage it on a limited basis or not. My calling revolves around being wife and mom, always has. Not the most recognized and rewarded callings, (especially in my world) but one I take seriously none the less.

Fuel pump went out of Steve's car, bummer. We were blessed to have the money for a four digit repair. And a great friend that loaned us his old truck while Steve's car was in the shop.

It's been cold here. Cold and dry. Which makes me itchy. Not complaining, just telling you I'm itchy. I have lotion.

I miss my boy.

Hope everyone has a week full of blessings.

Conversations with Whitney

2012-01-20T11:12:00.000-06:00

Sometimes things happen that I can’t control or see coming that make me really sad. Like the little gray dog that ran in front of my car on K96 last night. At 70 mph there is nothing you can do but run over the little gray dog. It’s still bothering me.

Before that though, Whitney had a volleyball scrimmage game. Whitney plays with Denae.

Des came to the game. This is Denae’s brother. Here he is, 6 years ago with Nate, Whitney’s brother. (interesting to note, the boy on the other side of Des is Nate's college roommate).

And Whitney’s brother can’t come. Then Des ran out on the court during warm ups to show Whitney something on his phone. And she laughed and pushed him. Except for the fact he’s a couple inches shorter, wears his clean baseball cap forward with a flat bill (Nate’s would be dirty, ragged, curved bill and backward) and he’s black, it could've been Nate. Des was even wearing a Jayhawk hoodie. I didn't see the memory/thought coming any more than I saw the little gray dog. Does this ever happen to you? Something triggers a memory? A song, driving by a location, seeing someone? It happens to me ALL THE TIME!

I have a 19 year old college sophomore that is totally self sufficient. I am proud of him. But I miss him. Whitney misses him. I am incredibly thankful for Des that treats Whitney like a little sister, like he does Denae to some extent. It doesn’t replace Nate, but it helps, at least for her.

And a brief conversation with Denae...

Setting: dinner at my house before the basketball game Tuesday night

Me: Dinner's ready if you guys are hungry
Denae: (walking in the kitchen and looking at dinner)
Mama Baker threw down! (I cooked)

Another weird one

2012-01-19T11:22:00.001-06:00

In last night’s dream I was a modern day female Moses. I was trying to get the children of Israel from the three story house they were living in to Moab by way of the trail that runs behind our house next to the Arkansas River.

I had to provide them all with new backpacks and sandles and teach them how to use buckles and zippers. I also gave them all water bottles because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get water from the rock with my staff, as I didn’t have a staff.

We were being chased by the ultra-marathon runners that were running 100 miles.

I’m not sure what they were going to do if they caught us, force GU and Gatorade on us? But we could walk across the Arkansas River on dry ground right now.

Last time I eat a Panera double fudge brownie before bed.

Just Blah

2012-01-18T08:48:00.001-06:00

I've kind of been in a slump lately. Nothing new or bad happened, just been dragging. Not physically, I'm healthy, just blah.

Today reading of Proverbs gave me these few thoughts (and several more, Proverbs is great stuff), from Proverbs 18

1 A recluse is self-indulgent, snarling at every sound principle of conduct.

I really REALLY don't want to be reclusive, selfish, or ignoring wise counsel or even common sense.

14 The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear it if the spirit is crushed?

Very true...value those around you, don't crush their spirit, in fact, try and build them up.

24 There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

Too bad you don't always know who your real friends are in time...

My frozen fat ass, literally

2012-01-14T21:55:00.001-06:00

Friday night was a fun experience. Steve and I left Wichita at 3:00 p.m. to drive to Olathe to run Coleen's fun run.

It was colder than it has been, but that didn't make us think twice about going. We had decided we would go when we thought Whitney would have a volleyball tournament in Topeka this weekend so we were driving almost that far anyway. Her tournament was changed, canceled and then reinstated but we had already as a team decided not to go.

We got to Olathe and grabbed some food at Subway and went to the trail. There was a house that was used as an aid station so you could actually leave your stuff inside and get out of the cold and socialize.

Most people pick their running attire based on temperature and distance and what fits and wears right. Makes good sense for running. I chose to wear these

because they make me feel pretty. That's the important thing, right? (Side note, yellow princess running skirt no longer fits, gonna have to find another blinging bright skirt for summer). Realized one loop in that this would make it easy for everyone to recognize me on the trail (and know how many time they passed me). I heard several times from behind me "there's Patsy".
Here's Steve and I pre-race.

My plan was to run further than I did. Coleen's pre-race talk told us about three water crossings. I decided right then, without a single step on the trail that if my feet got wet I was only running one loop, three miles. We headed out with headlamps and gloves and hats. I had an issue with my headlamp, I couldn't get it tight enough to stay up on my head.

Since it was a new trail to Steve and I he stayed with me at the start to get the feel of the trail. At a mile I told him to go ahead he asked if he was pushing me, I said I was fine, but because he wanted to run further than me, the slower he ran the first loop the longer I would have to wait for him and the longer he would be on the trail. He took off, and I slowed my time from the 9 minute mile pace to something I could sustain for a mid-range distance run. The water crossings were iced over in places so you could walk across and stay dry.

I ran into Steve before the second loop, his headlamp went out and he had a flashlight. I traded him my too big headlamp for the flashlight and was much happier with that. I went out on the second loop and the water crossing got me, I stepped on the ice and wiped out. Steve said that the water splashing up by the real runners who splashed through the water (as opposed to ones who care more about being pretty) had the zamboni affect on the ice. The two guys behind me that witnessed it were kind, helped me up, made sure I was okay and then said "don't go the same way she did". Always happy to help. (And this is where the title of this report came from).

After the third loop, having completed 9 miles my injinjis were constricting my toes so I went to the car and changed socks. As I was headed to the aid station, my stomach let me know it wasn't really up for another loop or two and if I went back out, it would make me pay.

At this point, Coleen's fun run had lived up to the bill, I had a blast. I wanted to leave that way. So I left the 23 degree icy water crossing sometimes snow covered starlit trail for the hard core people and called it good. Stripped down to nothing in the parking lot (it was dark, reaalllly dark) and put on dry warm clothes, grabbed my post-run diet coke and went inside to socialize with some really cool running friends.

I ran the first loop with Steve and a new friend, Teresa. Then I ran by myself. There was something so peaceful about the solitude on the two laps I did solo. Quiet, dark, cold, clear, clean air, it was soothing.

Steve did 21 miles, clothes were sweat soaked and he was cold and didn't have any dry shirts and had a head cold when we went so he called it good 10 miles short of his plan.

I'm usually in a hurry to get home after these events, whatever it takes to stay awake to drive home. But about Emporia I had been up for 22 hours and I told Steve I needed two five hour energy drinks or a nap. (Remember, my original plan was a hotel in Topeka...) Steve voted nap, so we pulled into a truck stop and napped for a couple hours and then came home.

I had a really good time. My hip flexors are killing me today. Steve says I need hill training. Like that's gonna happen.

Coleen has a run in July, ran exactly the same way at the same place, only it's called her "Sweaty Ass Run". I'm looking forward to going back and running that one too.

Conversations with Whitney

2012-01-13T06:45:00.002-06:00

New hair...

And a facebook conversation:

Friend: Get out of bed and go watch....
Whitney: Lol that would require me getting out of this bed:/ I'll do it tomorrowwww.
Friend: It's over now fat so
Whitney: Fatso is one word buster
Friend: you still got the idea doe chill mija
Whintey: But if you insult me, I'd like you to do it properly.

Change the world

2012-01-12T06:54:00.000-06:00

I was wondering if I could change the world what would I want different. Not what do I want to change about my life, but if I could make the world a better place, what would that look like?

Would I cure cancer? How about AIDS? Would I feed all the world’s children? Provide clean drinking water? Give everyone a clean dry warm bed to sleep in? Would I heal broken hearts and take away the pain of loss?

I can’t do any of these things. The only thing I can do to make the world a better place is be a better me. The only way I can be a better me is to live for Jesus. I had a crappy day. From morning till bedtime. At lunch I complained to God, whined, basically threw a four year old fit. And He chastised me. Some of the things I whined about he told me that he wasn’t going to fill that need in my life, go do what you think you need for someone else. So I did.

Interesting thing happened. In doing for others my need was met.

So today I have already looked for ways to pour into other’s lives as a way to feel better. Selfish? Maybe. Ulterior motives to my good deeds? Definitely. Do I feel better? Yes.

I realized that Jesus did heal while he was on earth, and fed the hungry and gave them something to drink. He did miracles that only he could do. But he never lost sight of the fact that he came to earth to give us all life, and he did that through dying for us. Giving us eternal life. He came that we might have the best life possible, through him. Regardless of whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, he came that we might have life.

How can I change the world? By sharing Jesus.

John 10:10 The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.

A nightmare

2012-01-10T14:53:00.002-06:00

I had a nightmare last night...

I am running, faster than I have ever run before. It’s almost superhuman speeds. It’s night, it’s a country road with old fashioned wood posts fences. I am running but I am out of control. It’s almost like I’m flying, except I can’t get off the ground. Two or three steps, a couple in the air and then I’m back on the ground again. I realize I am running from something or someone? I am afraid. I can’t stop running.

Then a car catches me. I feel relief because it’s my friend, Sheila Barber. I can finally stop running and I in the car with her. Sweaty, panting, fearful. She drives us to a beautiful Victorian farmhouse. It resembles a gingerbread house. I notice there is something odd about Sheila, but don’t care. I’m just happy to not be running.

We go into the farmhouse and there is an elderly woman sitting at a table. The house is decorated much as you would expect it to be. Authentic to her age, Victorian, lots of lace doilies and Victorian style dishes, furniture.

There is a hutch filled with children’s Victorian style tea sets. She has one in front of her and as she opens the miniature teapot I can see it is full of pearls and beads and soap pellets. I can smell the lavender soap. Then I hear a moan and I look over to side of the elderly woman and there is a woman hanging from the ceiling. Still alive, she moans again. And as the elderly woman pours out the teapot of pearls and beads and soap pellets on the table, she laughs, a horrible sound, and a small girl comes out and climbs up behind the woman hanging from the ceiling and stabs the woman through the head.

Now I am hanging from the ceiling, Sheila is hanging beside me. My miniature teapot is blue, Sheila’s is yellow. As the teapots are tipped over, Whitney and Denae come out of the room behind us.

This is where I woke up, honestly sweating. I got up and drank some water and slept on the couch. When I went back to sleep the next nightmare was worse.

In my corner

2012-01-09T06:48:00.000-06:00

I worked, ran, cleaned, did laundry, slept, drank diet coke, grocery shopped, read, went to the Y, it was pretty much a normal week. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Due to the nature of my friends and the people I follow on twitter, on Sundays my twitter feed and facebook statuses are full of quotes from preachers and invitations to come out to church, if you aren't here you are missing, etc. I think it's great that everyone loves their church and won't debate what church is the best or what pastor is the best. Go where God leads, many blessings on you and your church.

Having said that, I got this. Amazing, really.

Steve leading Amazing Grace to the tune of "The House of the Rising Sun". I love Amazing Grace. I love any thing that rocks, and I LOVE STEVE. But this was a perfect song for him. Style, range, content and it's one he loves the lyrics so he sang the heck out of it.

Then, I got this.

Whitney says, "hey, Tarzan is preachng today". Tarzan is actually Cody Knutsen, a former Wichitan and member of Gracepoint that now is a missionary to Costa Rica. They run a children's ministry to teach the children about Jesus. They also help kids with schoolwork. GP is in the process of adopting the students in their children's ministry so they can attend school. Uniforms are required to attend school, so the money goes for uniforms and school supplies. The parents bring the kids and then hang out because they have nowhere else to be, and they are learning about Jesus too.

Cody's message was beautifully simple. No catchy phrases, nothing to tweet. It was simply to give everything you have. To give your life to live for God.

This was especially powerful as it came from a man who gave up everything to live in the slums of Costa Rica to minister to the people there. They live in the same houses as the people they are ministering too. They eat rice and beans every day. He says they are dirty and they stink. They don't have insurance. And he absolutely loves it.

We are not all called to missions. We can't all live in Costa Rica. But we can all love God and love everyone around us. And that is a scriptural concept that God continues to impress on me. Love him, love everyone else around me. That's what he has called me too. I really wonder what this looks like for me. What it actually looks like right now and what it really should look like. I'll be chewing on this one for awhile.

And singing "there is a house in New Orleans..." Wait, that's the tune, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound..." those lyrics.

13 weeks

2012-01-08T00:12:00.000-06:00

I'm thirteen weeks from my first 2012 marathon. I was very concerned Christmas that I wasn't going to have time to get ready. But there is a wait list, and I know a couple of people wanting in so I could get my money back.

I decided to give it the week between Christmas and New Year's and see what happened. What happened was everytime I put on my running shoes Steve headed out with me. Even if he had already ran that day. And I ran a couple of 4 milers, a 6 miler and a couple of 8 milers. This week back at work, my regular scheduled life, I was still able to stick to my schedule and get my runs (and my Yassos) in.

Today I met Sheila for five miles while Steve was at worship team practice and then headed home to run more on the trail. I ran the first mile and a half with Steve for his warm up, and then he went on ahead. At about 3 miles in I saw him coming back toward me on the trail. His camelback had a leak and his back was soaked. He couldn't go too far without water so he was going to call today a bust. Since I was at a little past 8 miles for the day and still had to get home I traded him camelbacks, dumped the water out of the leaky one and headed home with he empty and let him finish his long run.

I know every short cut (if there is one) to get home, so I climbed out of the trail, hopped the fence into the church frisbee golf course and headed home the shortest route. Ended up with a total of 11 miles and I feel pretty good about that. I feel confident about being ready for a marathon in 13 weeks. If I just add a mile a week to my long run I'm there. (The trick will be training and running it to be ready for the one I want to run two weeks after).

I'm so happy to have friends that share my running passion. I'm also very happy that Steve loves it too and that he runs with me and pushes me and causes me to be better. Now I'm going to go read my new Runner's World.

Conversations with Whitney

2012-01-06T07:01:00.001-06:00

Whitney: can you cook bacon on a George Foreman grill?
Whitney: nevermind. I'll just eat frosting.

Never stop running

2012-01-04T10:09:00.000-06:00

Saturday morning after a 10 mile group run at Sedgwick County Park (of which I did not run with the group and only ran 8 miles) the group went to IHOP for breakfast. I did participate in this group activity of post race pancakes.

Tony B was celebrating the completion of his 5000 miles in 2011, which was a goal of his. And I was properly impressed. This group had all different levels of runners, different speeds, and was pretty evenly split between male and female. But one runner really made an impact on me. Tom S is in his mid-sixties. He said he doesn't feel sixty-ish, he feels great. And told us to never stop running.

I have had to take extended breaks from running. But I'm always excited and ready to get back into it. I'm hoping that I stay healthy and I can never stop running.

I have given up other activities, other dreams, other goals. I've had some dreams taken away from me, some goals pushed completely out of reach.

I realized that some of my dreams were not really mine. I also realized that God replaces broken dreams with new ones. Maybe not immediately, but over time you start to see them take shape. This verse has never pointed to dreams for me before, but I'm kind of thinking it will from here on. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What better dreams could I have than to know the Lord knows his plans for me, and they are for good, not for harm, to give me hope and a future?

Resolutions - No, not this year

2012-01-02T17:47:00.001-06:00

I was talking with Steve, Nate and Whitney at lunch today.

Took Nate to his favorite restaurant for his last full day in town. I have never eaten there. Da Cajun Shack. We ordered Da PaPaw (pronounced pow pow). Gator, crawfish, catfish and shrimp. Fried okra, cajun fries, dirty rice and jambalaya. It was very good.

While we were there, we talked about resolutions. I decided that I should only make ones I can keep. Had to explain myself. If I set running goals to run 5 races, but have 10 on my schedule including 10K's and 5K's, I should easily meet the 5. If I say I'm going to read the Bible through this year, that is actually less than I generally read it in a years time. If I say I'm going to eat healthy, that's one thing. But healthier is a different resolution altogether, and much easier to manage.

While on the topic of the Bible, Nate asked if that gets boring. I have to admit, the list of "begats" gets kind of monotonous. But I said that the stories are really good. Nate proceeded to tell me he knows all the stories in the Bible. (Quite possible, years of Awana's and 5 years of Christian school plus Sunday School, etc). Whitney was not to be outdone so she tells us "well, I wrote the Bible". Taken in context, which everything must be with Whitney, it was funny.

So I'm not making resolutions - except for this one. To live in the moment. Be fully present IN THE MOMENT. Not focus on the past, not fixate on the future. Not disappear into myself to avoid reality.

I will enjoy every minute spent sitting in the bleachers at volleyball.

I will cherish every word of every text, email, blog comment, phone conversation, face to face conversation.

I will meet my friends for lunch, dinner and coffee.

I will make the most of every step I run, solitary or with a running partner. Training run or a race.

I will enjoy cheering Steve on at all his races and being his crew.

I will read books I love and if I don't love them, I'll put them down and find one I do love.

I will enjoy my food. I can eat healthy and enjoy it both.

These aren't resolutions. This is a way of life.

In my corner

2012-01-01T21:44:00.000-06:00

I've been off work for 11 days, one more before vacation is over.
Nate has been home 11 days, and leaves Tuesday to go back to Lawrence.
Steve helped me get through an 8 mile run, longest in two months, on an absolutely beautiful day in late December.
Steve's anniversary present from me has shipped, Celtics vs. OKC Thunder basketball tickets for the end of February.

Looking Forward

2011-12-31T00:52:00.001-06:00

My favorite posts of 2011, tried to decide how to do this. I could base it on the number of hits and my top three posts of 2011 were my semi-nekkid pictures after surgery, Steve's first and second 100 mile race reports.

If I pick my favorites, it was my taking my broken to Jesus, rocks, and Picasso.

As 2011 ends today, I would say I'm looking forward to 2012. 2011 is past, it's history. So many good memories, lots of fun times, much happiness and love.

2012 is unwritten and my future looks good and I'm so excited for the coming year.

I don't say things like this often, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. So I'm going to say it. I'm going to shout it.

I LOVE MY LIFE!!! I'M SO BLESSED!!!

Conversations with Whitney

2011-12-30T09:07:00.000-06:00

Not from Whitney, one of her close friends said this. I love teenage girls.

My mom says I have to start filling my own gas tank so I can learn responsibility. Why can't I just do the dishes everyday?

Yesterday, Today, Forever

2011-12-27T21:07:00.000-06:00

There is an old hymn with the words "yesterday, today, forever, Jesus is the same". It's from Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

In thinking about this, I've come to a realization. I believe that if Jesus walked out of the pages of the Bible into today's time all he would need is a pair of True Religion jeans, an Affliction tee shirt and a pair of Chucks. His message and his lifestyle would not need to change. He would be as "culturally relevant" today as he was 2000 years ago.

Maybe he would go to BWW instead of the well. Instead of tax collectors he would seek out the Enron CEO. Instead of a woman taken in adultery he would give mercy to 80% of the young women in our country today between the ages of 18 and 26. His message of love the Lord with all your heart and love others as yourself and modeling that lifestyle would be just as powerful and revolutionary today as it ever was.

It's so comforting to know that Jesus never changes. That he can be trusted and. That what he was yesterday he will be tomorrow.

Bullies

2011-12-26T20:46:00.000-06:00

A little over a week ago I got a phone call from the school. Whitney was in trouble. For bullying. This beautiful child, 5'4" 118 pounds honor roll varsity athlete sweetest kid ever hates bullies champion of the underdog and friendless got in trouble for exactly that.

I listened to the vice principal tell me the story (from his point of view) getting more upset with every word. At him, the school and Whitney all three. Turns out Whitney was more of a victim of bullying by the administration then the bullying she supposedly perpetrated. Not on school property, not during school hours, via twitter, and very non-specific, not racial or prejudicial. Kind of guilt by association thing. However, when they tried to get her to blame it on a friend, she owned her words. Proud of her for that.

We did discuss the written word, retweeting on twitter, and the lack of personality and the fact that not everyone that reads it loves her. Hard to believe there are people who don't love this, isn't it?

I was so upset I took the afternoon off from work. I needed to talk to someone, and I chose the wrong person. They ended up dragging me down further. Really bad day. I walked around the mall in my sunglasses, unable to Christmas shop, crying my eyes out because of Whitney's situation, how to parent through it correctly, and the advice on other areas of my life that was unsolicited.

Several days later I did the same thing. A situation sent me mentally down a rotten path. As I was on my knees that evening praying and crying to God to just make it stop, he brought this verse to my memory

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

This verse has come to mind several times since then. It's a pretty simple formula for peace. Trust in God, keep your thoughts fixed on him.

I took my Christmas tree ornament that is simply the word "peace" in glitter and hung it on the refrigerator. I think I'm going to need to keep it in front of me for a while.

And Whitney? A three day suspension for bullying she doesn't feel she did? She isn't sad about missing school, doesn't feel bad about her words, and knows she is not a bully.

I have been the victim of bullying this year, and it's not fun. I really abhor mean girls. I have found out that they exist at all ages, and that it really speaks to something lacking inside them, not the person they are striking out at. It's so ugly. I don't want that for my daughter. Giving or receiving.

So hopefully Whitney did learn the lesson of being careful with her words.

My Christmas Wish

2011-12-25T07:37:00.002-06:00

I hope you love more than you are loved,
That you give more than you get.

I hope you forgive more than you are forgiven,
And extend mercy and grace at every opportunity.

I hope you hold your friends close and
Tell them often how special they are.

I hope you take time to do the things you love
And love the things you do.

I hope that 2012 is full of peace, contentment and joy for each of you.

Much love.

A front row seat

2011-12-23T07:16:00.000-06:00

Every year at Christmas I think about this. Well, at least for the last 20 years.

I can’t begin relate to Mary in her pregnancy in the idea that she was carrying the Son of God. But I was pregnant and not married. We did have that in common. And my brother did threaten to stone me.

This year as I thought about pregnancy and childbirth and child raising milestones I was struck once again with the difference. Even in Mary’s time Jesus birth was unorthodox. But now it has taken on the feel of a children’s story and the reality of it seems to get missed.

From the beginning, Nate has never left any doubt that he was here. From knowing I was pregnant from two weeks on (that makes for a looooonnnnnngggg pregnancy) to taking the home pregnancy test that said the indicator would turn any color of pink to purple and mine turned so dark purple it was almost black. The doctor said at 8 weeks he would try to get the heartbeat but that was really soon, but there it was beating right along, strong as could be.

Mary didn’t have home pregnancy tests or ultrasounds. She didn’t get to hear the heartbeat. But she never doubted she was pregnant either. Angels visited her. She knew more about her baby than I knew about Nate. She knew it would be a son. She knew he was the Messiah. And she knew he was born to die on a cross years later.

I wonder if that made her pregnancy, already traumatic with being unmarried at conception and telling people he was the Messiah even more traumatic? She was a scarlet woman, people thought she was crazy because she believed he was coming to save everyone including her, and that he would ultimately die because of HER sins. She was giving birth to her Savior.

I wonder if in the pain of childbirth it crossed her mind that he would feel pain, so much more pain; physical, mental and spiritual in his life then what she was feeling and had felt?

When Nate was born my mom was in the delivery room. I asked her to leave. She wouldn’t. I wanted to have her removed. I wanted to be alone. When Whitney was born, the delivery nurse asked who could be in the room with me. I told her just Steve. So the idea that Mary gave birth to Jesus with just the farm animals is the kind of privacy that I would like. Maybe a little more sterile…

The fact that he was Jesus didn’t make his birth less painful, his childhood less enjoyable for his mother. Mary was a real person who felt the pain of childbirth. She was a real mom with real feelings of love for her children, just like me.

I think about how proud I am of Nate. How proud I’ve been sitting in the stands of his life watching. How many tears I’ve shed because I’m proud of the man he is. How many times I’ve jumped up and down and screamed and yelled and cheered for him. How many times I’ve done it internally because it wasn’t appropriate to yell, like his senior awards day.

I cannot begin to imagine the pride Mary has felt for her son, and will feel when she sits on the front row of the stands in Heaven and watches Jesus come for us. (I wonder if they will get a five minute warning in Heaven before the trumpet sounds, just to let them get into place to watch???) And then when she watches him finally defeat Satan. I can see her leaning forward in her seat, hands clasped in front of her, all the confidence in the world on her face, her grin a mile wide as she looks at him step out. “Come on Jesus, you got this. YOU GOT THIS. Let’s go, Son. Whooo hoooo!!! Yes, that’s it, ALRIGHT JESUS! YES!” (high fives the other Mary sitting next to her) “Boo Yah! And that’s how it’s done!!! That's MY boy.”

My mama’s heart cannot begin to fathom what she will feel. If she was not already in her perfect heavenly body, I’m afraid her heart might actually explode.

Laughter

2011-12-21T07:10:00.000-06:00

Need a laugh? Follow teenage girls on twitter.

The importance of being me.

2011-12-20T07:11:00.000-06:00

I realized that lately I have changed some of my behaviors. And I believe change is good. I always reserve the right to be smarter tomorrow than I am today.

But sometimes…I change in the moment, for reasons I shouldn’t and do things I really would rather not.

Just because your wife couldn’t sleep and got up at 4:30 a.m. and made donuts for you to bring to work doesn’t mean I have to eat one. I do not have to take a donut because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I can just say “no, thank you.” However, I took the donut when pressured, waited till he went back to his desk, wrapped it in a paper towel and put it in the trash.

I changed clothes to wear something I didn’t want to wear out for an evening. I wanted to wear a sweater tunic and leggings but wore jeans and a tee shirt because the group we were meeting usually dressed down. And then she was all dressed up and looked cute and I felt frumpy and mad at myself for not wearing the tunic.

Conformity is an issue for me. Always has been. I’m a non-conformist, I like my own path. I don’t feel the need to be like anyone else. In fact, I don’t like to dress like other people or look like other people or talk like other people. I don’t like it when I see myself copied, and I try not to copy others. This actually is humorous at points in my life.

If Steve and I are dressed alike, one of us has to change. If we are wearing jeans and black shirts, I’ll change my shirt. If we are wearing the same race tee shirt, I will change.

Some friends have phrases they use all the time. One of them lists things. Always says “#1…” Another one uses the term “bottom line” so much she should trademark it. I say neither of these because I would feel like I was stealing from them. And I hate it when people use MY words (cause you know there are words that I OWN, and no one else should use them) or I see my thoughts on someone else’s blog (and I know they read mine, it’s not a coincidence. PLAGIARIST!!!)

Sometime when you are in a group of women, look around. Check out the purses, the shoes, the hair styles. Look at the clothes. Do you look like everyone else? Should you? I never do. But then I would have to show pictures of what I wear on a regular basis for you to totally understand that. At the first volleyball practice/parent meeting in a sea of jeans, sweaters, Uggs and Coach bags, I was wearing Nate’s old sweatpants and a trail marathon tech shirt. In a world of e-readers I was carrying a ten year old water stained broken spine book. I have been looking at tablets, just haven’t picked/purchased one…yet. Any suggestions? And this is just one instance.

I also had the only teenage girl out of 40 who went to practice without long pants over her volleyball spandex in 24 degree temperatures. She’s a non-conformist (idiot?) too. Or is this a parenting fail?

I am who God created. I want to be more like him. That’s my goal. But the things that make me me? My uniqueness and individuality? I need to embrace that. Not try to be like someone else. Just the best me, the very best version of me.

Psalm 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Coleen’s Frozen Fat Ass

2011-12-19T07:10:00.000-06:00

There aren’t many races in January in Kansas. I think it has something to do with the weather…

Steve wants to run “Coleen’s Frozen Fat Ass” January 13 in Olathe, Kansas. There is a little explanation needed for non-runners. A “Fat Ass” run is a run that is primarily experienced runners. It is a “No Fee, No Awards, No Aid, No Wimp" run. They are not races, they are runs, and generally, you need to know what you are doing, carry your own aid, and not need any volunteers to help you out along the trail. Coleen is an ultra running friend of Steve’s.

This one starts at 8:00 p.m. Friday evening. It’s a 5K loop that you can run as many times as you want in the ten hour time limit, but it’s billed as a 50K.

So how fortunate are we this year? Whitney has a volleyball tournament that weekend. In Topeka, On Sunday. We drive through Lawrence to get to Olathe. Whitney can stay the night Friday with Nate in Lawrence while Steve and I (yes, I’m crazy also, but will probably only attempt to run 25K, 15 miles) run overnight and then we will go to Topeka and get a hotel for Whitney’s tournament. We even get to sleep Saturday before the tournament on Sunday after running all night. So that weekend, what’s not to love? A run with Steve (or the few minutes he slows down when he passes me every third 5K loop or so) a visit with Nate, and Whitney’s first club tournament of the year.

In my corner...

2011-12-18T14:29:00.001-06:00

Sundays are now Anneshia, age 2 year and 7 months and Mia, age 1 year and 5 months.

Went thrifting with Whitney. Scored this beautiful hand crocheted afghan. Whitney has claimed it.

Date with Steve to hear a country band.
Made fudge. It's going to work for my co-workers.
Watched my girl put her own money in the firefighter's boot for MS.
Infected with a computer virus.
Lunch and Christmas shopping with Whitney, my mom, my sister and sister-in-law.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-12-16T08:00:00.001-06:00

Dropping Whitney off at the basketball game she gets out of the car and says

"bye uglies" to me and her dad.

Saddest part is we didn't think anything of it till Danae commented on it.

Secrets

2011-12-14T06:42:00.000-06:00

I got asked the other day for my beauty secrets because someone didn’t think I look my age.

I really don’t have any. But since she asked…

I try to eat healthy. Except for the bag of Rolo’s I found on my desk this morning that is now half a bag of Rolo’s.

I drink a lot of Diet Coke. It contains elixir from the fountain of youth.

I run to relieve stress, stress makes you look older. I run marathons…this is an indication of stress levels.

I use moisturizer. And sunscreen.

I color my hair. Keeps it from being gray, which makes me look old.

I whiten my teeth. While I like Crest white strips, I still have my secrets from my poor college student years. The dentist offers what I call “sandblasting”. It’s a salt water spray. It is not pleasant, but man my teeth are white. And I rinse with peroxide.

Sunglasses. Keeps me from squinting, which cuts down on wrinkles.

I take a handful of vitamins every night.

I hang out with 15 year old girls. That will keep you young. (Or age you in a big hurry, can really go either way).

And Sunday morning in church I told Steve this one. Dress your age. This is harder than it sounds. You can’t go in Dillards and find a rack that says age 31-35 or age 36-40. It’s rough. Not wanting to dress like your mom, but not like your 15 year old daughter either. For me, I don’t shop at Forever 21 because I’m not (forever 21). I did find two shirts at Vanity that were age appropriate, and while Whitney was buying a coat at Wet Seal I saw a couple of things I would wear. I got a great sweater from American Eagle from Whitney for my birthday. But polyester and several other synthetic factors scream senior citizen. Some articles of clothing just scream “I’m one step away from assisted living”.

Shoes can make you look older. You can find a place where comfort and style coexist. Comfort is different for each of us. Old lady shoes make you look like – well, an old lady. I find these both adorable and comfortable.

Fortunately, I don’t mind being my age and looking my age. I got to be 18, and 21, and 30. It’s now my turn to be 44. I’m going to embrace it and make it a good year. I’ll let the 21 year olds have their turn at being 21. Frankly, I’m not sure I can handle that pressure. But I'm going to try and look my best as I continue to age.

And enjoy every minute as it goes by. These are by no means suggestions for anyone else, and I'm pretty sure they are not well kept secrets.

Escapades in (Grand)parenting

2011-12-12T11:31:00.003-06:00

I'm off my game. If I ever had one in this area.

Sundays Anneshia spends the afternoon at our house. Words that are not used in our home get uttered frequently. Yelling "NO" and "PUT THAT DOWN" and "GET IN HERE" are a minute by minute occurence. Throw in the "no, you can't go outside" and you have our four hours.

Recently we've added the word "potty" to the mix.

Yesterday Steve had a group trail run he wanted to run. Whitney had a make up volleyball practice. Unusual Sunday, but not a big deal. I raised 5 kids, what's one 2.5 year old for two hours.

I'm talking to the club director, watching Anneshia watch practice, squealing gleefully "Wee Wee" every time Whitney hits the ball or "Nae Nae" every time Denae does. Clapping, cheering and yelling "ball". And Denae's mom grabs my arm and says, "does she need to go to the bathroom"? (Thanks Sheila B.)

Yes, all the signs were there. The pulling at her crotch, the wiggling and fidgeting. And I missed it. So into the high school bathroom we go.

Debbie if you are reading this, STOP NOW!

I decide to make use of this time wisely and utilize the second stall while Anneshia is in the first one. I'm done before she is, step into the other stall where she is... playing in the feminine hygiene disposal. I will spare the details, but it's as gross as you can imagine. After finishing her up and sterilizing her from head to toe, we head back to the gym and Wee Wee and Nae Nae.

Few minutes later I hear "potty", and I do remember you never tell a 2.5 year old "you just went", so we head back in. I stop on the way in to look in the mirror and adjust my hair (stupid vain shallow Gigi. What were you thinking?)

I get in the stall 3 seconds behind baby girl who is leaning over the toilet bowl, face in the circle like she's been on an all night bender. She's so little her feet are swinging free off the ground. I pick her up and notice that the water in the toilet bowl is rippling.

I told Steve and Whitney I am not to be trusted alone with the baby ever again. And when I drop her off, I find out Mia (age 1.5) is coming next week too.

Double the trouble, twice the fun???

In My Corner

2011-12-11T13:42:00.005-06:00

Club volleyball started this week.

Three birthday meals: Mexican, pizza and soup/salad buffet. Three birthday cakes traditional, ice cream and chocolate sheet. All delicious.

Running, zumba and more running. (see above)

Countless episodes of Auction Hunters, Storage Wars and American Pickers. Steve loves his "reality" T.V. (My two favorite shows are "Once Upon A Time" and "Grimm". Obviously I want to live as far from reality as possible).

Root canal. Still can't open my mouth all the way and where they gave me 14 numbing shots still feels like hamburger.

Steve leading "O Come All Ye Faithful" this morning. The second verse, "Sing choirs of angels, sing in exultation, O sing all ye citizens of Heaven above." This struck me that they celebrated, no, EXULTED in Christ's birth. Because they knew the truth that he was the promised Messiah, that he was bringing redemption and hope for all who would receive.

A comment Mike Felder, Gracepoint's Arkansas campus pastor, made at church this morning "Jesus came to offer redemption and hope to ALL who will receive." Reminder to me why he came. I hear the argument that we should celebrate Easter more than Christmas, because it was his death that brings us life. I won't debate this, as it's kind of a chicken or egg debate, if he hadn't been born, he couldn't have died. CELEBRATE BOTH!!!

We are talking about redemption from our sins and hope for a better life, here on earth living for Jesus and eternally in Heaven, someday. BUT THIS IS A RIGHT NOW OFFER TOO! Redemption is not a one time action. It's something I need to know I have over and over.

Hope can be defined as: desire, anticipation, expectation with confidence.

I need hope everyday. Hope for restoration and redemption. Hope for mercy, forgiveness and love. Hope for healing for the 4 people I love celebrating Christmas with the shadow of cancer looming over them. Hope for comfort for those stressed and afraid of their future. Hope for the lonely. Hope for those with children far from home. For those fighting for our country. Hope for those with marriage trouble, financial trouble. Hope for those who are pretending on the outside that everything is fine, and inside they are crumbling a little more every day.

Jesus is that hope. I needed this reminder today.

**And my "25 Days of Christmas" to get me in the holiday spirit is going pretty well. I'm not giving a gift everyday, but I am looking for ways to be kind and give where I can.

Rewind - again

2011-12-10T07:02:00.003-06:00

I hit my life's rewind again. Went back to high school, senior year.

I sat at all of Whitney’s volleyball games this year and never felt transported back in time to my days as a high school volleyball player. Maybe because the game is so different, we didn’t have a libero, rally scoring, spandex, and if the serve hit the net it was a side out, not a great serve.

Went to the Heights basketball game Tuesday night, girls and boys. Made me think of my days on the basketball court. The game hasn’t changed, and the length of their basketball shorts is longer than the culottes I wore at my Christian school. No lie. One major difference, these girls got game! Very impressive.

I also get to go back to middle school on Monday, for an off-site work meeting. You know those places you’d rather never go? Hospitals? Dentists? Well, Curtis Middle School is on my list of places I don’t want to go. Since I’ve been in the hospital (visiting) and at the dentist, I guess Curtis Middle School makes it my hat trick within a 7 day period and I’ll be done with

Have a great weekend everyone! I hope you get to go places you love, see people you love, and do great fun activities.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-12-09T08:28:00.000-06:00

United Way Operation Holiday

I wanted to get my (at least) three mile run in, so I ran to the facility and Steve took Denae and Whitney with him. They were working hard by the time I got there.

We sorted food into vegetables, grains, fruit (canned), proteins, miscellaneous, peanut butter, etc. It gave me time to think about how much we take for granted. There was a huge area set up with donated coats and another room full of donated toys.

I was glad Steve signed us up. It was hard work. Loading canned food from grocery carts into boxes and then carrying the boxes. I'm out of shape.

Whitney and Denae had a good time, and have made note of this for college scholarship applications. They were happy to do it just to do it, and then found out they might be able to use this experience and are looking for others.

Good girls.

Gifts from Heaven

2011-12-07T13:28:00.003-06:00

Steve's grandbaby #3 Steven Antoine Baker

Anneshia is a proud (confused?) big sister

44

2011-12-06T06:22:00.000-06:00

It’s only a number.

It’s Nate’s high school baseball number. I could always find him, even dressed identical to everyone else and wearing hats identified by this number on his jersey.

It’s considered to be the hitter’s number in baseball, worn by both Hank Aaron and Reggie Jackson.

It’s a popular cough syrup, Vicks 44.

It’s the number of presidents our country has elected. We have our 44th president serving in office right now.

It’s my 44th birthday today.

I can’t think of anything else that sticks out to me about the number 44.

It’s gonna be the best birthday I’ve ever had. Gonna be the best year of my life. The Year of Favor. (Isaiah 61:1-3) And if any haters get in my way, I will claim the Lord’s vengeance on them (reference the same Isaiah passage).

In My Corner

2011-12-04T15:35:00.004-06:00

Ran six miles with Steve in the drizzling rain, 41 degrees. Longest run since surgery, really enjoyed the run and the company.

Went to the mall. Realized after I left that only one store had I gone into looking for something for me, and it was a necessity. Everything else was for others. I'm not as far from the Christmas spirit as I thought.

Went out for double date night with Jake and Carrie. Took our fifth wheel, Whitney. She loves Jake and Carrie and eating out.

Holiday open house at some friends home. Had a wonderful time. I'm not as far from the Christmas spirit as I thought.

Found this on my mantel. I love this girl. Now I have to find stuff for her stocking too. And my Christmas spirit is fully intact.

Ultra Running

2011-12-02T17:07:00.002-06:00

This may be the single reason ultra runners continue running marathon plus distances after their first ultra.

Is it a picnic? A lunch buffet? No, it is an aid station at a 100 mile race.

Do you give back? (and a short convo w/Whitney)

2011-12-02T11:01:00.004-06:00

Tis the season...to get asked everywhere you go to give to charity. Bell ringers outside every store. Inside every store, would you like to give a dollar to _________ (fill in the blank). Marines outside Walmart asking for toys.

Every charity out there is begging for money. They all need money. Whatever cause you feel led to support (or not support) is entirely okay. It takes us all, it takes all kinds.

This year though, I've been hit up at work by everybody. Everyone has a cause. Wants to give back, and wants you to help them give to have a bigger impact. AWESOME. Seriously, it really is. Some examples...

Please bring a tooth brush and tooth paste to work. My church is adopting an elementary school and giving out tooth brushes.

We are adopting the Ronald McDonald House again this year. Please bring 5 things from the list below, or give me $20.00.

We are adopting 10 children from the angel tree. Please see __________ to donate. To sign up to shop with us, contact ____________.

Chili Feed, $7.00 suggested donation to benefit ___________.

Taco Salad day, $8.00 suggested donation to benefit __________.

Make "Santa Calls" to children signed up to receive phone calls from Santa.

Sew stockings for underprivileged children.

We are adopting the teens at Youthville. Please donate any of the following items and $$$.

All wonderful things to be involved in, but none really tug at my heart. And chili feeds and taco salads scare me, my food allergies being what they are.

Yesterday I get an email from Steve. Operation Holiday will be setting up one of it's distribution centers. His company has volunteered to set up the Operation Holiday facility and sort clothes and food. He signed himself, Whitney and me up to work a 4 hour shift, and told Whitney to bring her friends too.

Grocery shopping last night he walks up to the cart with all the things he thinks I will forget (oh yes he did) and a handful of hats and gloves for the donation box at work.

Something inside me is broke right now, because the first thought that entered my mind is, "my birthday is next week, he's in a giving mood, SCORE!!!"

Whitney asked me what I wanted for my birthday (I listed 5 things). She grinned and said "Grandma is working now and said anytime I wanted anything to let her know. We're going shopping."

Must remember, it's better to give than receive, it's better to give than receive, it's better to give than receive.

When I grow up I'm gonna be obese

2011-11-30T13:45:00.003-06:00

One of Whitney's friends said this last night. We were at the volleyball team end of season party. Pizza. I declined pizza (well, at first I did), and the cute little thing sitting across the table from me that ate 10 pieces of pizza said, "Oh, mama baker, I know I'm gonna be obese when I grow up. I'm gonna tell my husband before we get married."

Nate has told me for years that he can't wait to be an old man. He's going to wear velcro tennis shoes and let the hair in his ears grow till he has to comb it. He's going to pull his athletic shorts up to his nipples and tuck his white tee shirt in.

This is what the youth of today is looking forward to.

I don't want to be young again. I don't want to be obese and I'm definitely keeping my ear hair trimmed.

Christmas is coming...

2011-11-29T08:08:00.001-06:00

I wanted to make sure you all knew Christmas is coming. I can't believe the emotions Christmas stirs up. I've already witnessed debates about celebrating the birth of Christ when he wasn't even born in December and the comment was made that Christians need to do their research.

I've already heard people complain about crowds, attitudes, and how much money they will spend. (That may have been in my house, lol).

Loving Christmas music, hating Christmas music.

I just want to make fudge. It's not Christmas till I make it (and eat it).

Christmas is going to be different for us this year. It's been different the last few years, but every year another child moves out, it has a different feel. This school year has been really different with just Whitney home.

Steve and I were talking about Christmas shopping this year. I'm known for last minute everything. Steve knows we will do the majority of our shopping the week before Christmas. With older teenagers/early 20 something kids I'm really kind of stretched for gift ideas. But I'll figure it out.

I decided to run a 4 mile run for the Arthritis Foundation this Saturday. It's called the Jingle Bell Run. That should give me some Christmas spirit. And burn a few calories so I can eat fudge.

I have been overwhelmed with the "don't forget what Christmas is all about" message already this year. I think we need to think about it. I think we need to remember. But it's November. I'm still thinking about what I'm thankful for.

My 2012 ONEWORD is going to be Gratitude. A year of giving thanks. Journaling every day something I am sincerely thankful for. I don't want to just list the easy things, I want to make an effort to notice what I'm really grateful to have in my life. Big or little.

I have a month to be a grinch and then the year of giving thanks starts.

Just had a thought. Maybe I should take an advent calendar and give a little gift everyday to someone I love. Bump up my Christmas spirit, because it could use a little life. Maybe putting a little more focus on those I love will help me get more in the Christmas spirit. Hmmmmmmmmm

In my corner

2011-11-28T07:45:00.002-06:00

Nate was home for a week. Saturday evening till Friday evening. I miss him already.

Visit with the endodontist. Root canal scheduled for December 8. Happy (late) birthday to me. Thank God insurance covers 80%.

Fixed thanksgiving dinner for my family. Lots of cooking, lots of food. Dominoes, pictionary. Good times.

Anneshia.

Heights State Championship football game. Lost 41-37. Bummer.

It was cold. 40 degrees, north winds 20+ mph. Really cold. But it was fun.

Put up my Christmas tree (like most Americans).

It's pretty.

Balck Friday shopping consisted of going to the tire store and getting my tire repaired from the blow out in Missouri during Steve's run and a trip to the dry cleaners.

We did go to the mall in Topeka before the football game on Saturday. It was dead. No Christmas shopping however, Whitney and I both window shopped boots, tennis shoes and dress shoes each. Now to come up with the $500.00 to buy them all...

Back at it

2011-11-27T07:43:00.000-06:00

“The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep”. Robert Frost

Robert Frost did not write this about trail running, but it fits.

Steve asked me this week what races I want to run in 2012. This was an easy question, my list was 8 races, all double digit miles. 2011 was about getting Steve through the OT 100, which we did. Along the way, I could’ve run as many of the races as I wanted, but unfortunately the stress fracture and surgery sidelined me. I did, however, get to scout a lot of races I would like to run.

I showed Steve the 8 races I want to run, even asking which of the two trail marathons that are two weeks apart would be more suitable and fun. He said he is running the 50 mile at one and the 100K at the other, why don’t I do both (April)? Then there are two half marathons (May & June), a 22 mile lunar run (July), a 50K (September) and a November marathon. They are all close to home, they are mostly trail runs, and I’m going to run as many of them as I can. If I can stay healthy. I never want another stress fracture.

I signed up Tuesday for the April 7 trail marathon. It has already changed my commitment to working out. I love to run and work out, but when I have no goal it’s easier to slack off. So I’m pretty happy to have something to work towards.

Gratitude

2011-11-24T23:01:00.003-06:00

Psalms 136:1

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever". (NLT)

Turtle Vents

2011-11-22T11:22:00.001-06:00

We have turtle vents on the north and south walls of our house. Never noticed them. They were just stuck to the side of the house. Then we hit a particularly wet windy spring. In Kansas when it storms it doesn’t rain down from the sky. It rains sideways. About 35 mph. It’s not deadly, it’s not hurricane force winds. It’s just annoying. Umbrellas are useless, they get caught in the wind and flip inside out. About the only good an umbrella does is to put it in front of you like a shield, duck behind it and push your way to where ever you want to go.

I can’t tell you how many times I have tied a trash bag over my head and taken my shoes off to run barefoot to the car.

When it stormed, the turtle vents let the rain in. It then ran down the inside of the walls and damaged the walls and the window sills, etc.

The storm wasn’t the problem. It was unpleasant, but much needed moisture hit the earth. Everything was fresh smelling and turning green. It ushered in spring.

The turtle vents were the problem. How long they had been stuck to the side of the house doing what they were supposed to, half heartedly, we don’t know. It took a storm to show that they weren’t right. Not just rain, a storm. Blowing, howling, hard pounding storm.

Sometimes there are problems below the surface. We aren’t even aware that they are there. Or if we are, they seem minor so we leave them alone. Then the storm comes. And we weather the storm. We start to see the green again. We smell the fresh. We see the sun. But the storm has uncovered weak areas.

There will always be tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis. The question is, are our turtle vents installed correctly? We are always going to have storms. Job loss, health complications, marriage problems. Have we put the proper safe guards in place to live through the storm and emerge on the other side into the promise of a fresh new world? Replacing, even rebuilding if necessary?

Thanksgiving

2011-11-20T20:08:00.003-06:00

Remember when I posted here about what I'm not thankful for?

I started paying attention to what I am thankful for. Not the standards of Jesus, the Bible, my job, healthy kids, because I am thankful for all of these things. More than you know. But I started really looking at what I'm thankful for.

Dentists. I had a toothache last week.
Antibiotics. Got rid of my toothache.
Fur lined shoes. It's gotten cold.
Cameras/pictures.
The ability to run.
My bed. I laid down for a nap one afternoon and literally said to myself "I love my bed".
Home made biscuits and gravy. Quite possibly the best comfort food ever.
Vacation visits with my son.
Opportunities. There is always something new to attempt, try for, attain.
Music.
My cowboy boots. I got them resoled for $17.00. They are ten years old. I can't replace them.
My clothes dryer.
Second chances. Getting them, giving them.
Books. Actual books with front and back covers and pages. (I think Nooks, Kindles, IPAD's are all really cool, though.)
Watching Grimm with Denae while Whitney takes a nap on the floor.
The color of the trees in the fall.
Steve finishing two hundred mile races in four weeks time and staying healthy while he did so.
Toilet paper. SERIOUSLY!!!
Kind words from friends. Whether it's blog comments, texts, facebook or email, I'm thankful for all of them.
Time with Steve.
My YMCA membership.
Charitable organizations: World Vision, Big Brothers/Sisters, United Way, the Humane Society, I could go on and on.
The virtual world that lets me stay in touch with my friends and family and see pictures, etc.
Answered prayers for my children.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving holiday.

Turkey Trot 2011

2011-11-19T14:07:00.005-06:00

I ran the two mile today. Toughest race I've ever run. All those darn small moving obstacles (children). There were toddlers that ran the two mile. They were adorable crossing the finish line.

A two mile run is not in itself worth talking about, (except it was fun, I ran it pretty well for only 3 weeks of running, 9 weeks after surgery). But I ran, or at least started the race with these three.
Always a good time. They left me at the start line, but apparently I passed them somewhere around .75 miles. Whitney caught up to me and ran a little ways with me, but when I down shifted to pull the hill, she left me at the mile turn around and finished pretty well for a girl who only runs as punishment for volleyball. She said it didn't feel like 20 minutes, it only felt like 10. It was fun.

Steve and I waited to watch the ten milers finish. All of them. I realized that we were at the start/finish line for a total of two and half hours. Which may seem like a long time to some. I waited longer than that at every aid station of both of Steve's 100 mile races. It's perspective, I guess.

While we waited, Whitney, Denae and Madeline went to the art museum. The children's area. One of the ladies who worked there took pictures of them with her camera too. (With permission).

I miss him

2011-11-16T12:42:00.004-06:00

Nate will be home for three days for Thanksgiving. I'm hoping that he eats one meal with us, by the time he visits all his friends he won't have much time. But I'm fixing everyone's favorites for Thanksgiving in an effort to entice them to spend time. We get Whitney's favorite mac n cheese, Nate's favorite green bean casserole, Kari's favorite corn bread casserole, Pumpkin and apple pie and Steve requested pudding cake.

I want to share one of my favorite memories of Nate.

Nate’s sophomore year of high school we were running an errand after baseball practice.

15 year old boy + 20 hours of baseball practice per week = 3 dinners per evening.

We were stopping for first dinner at McDonald’s. A man is going from car to car and we are watching people put their windows up. He gets to my window and says “ma’am, I’m really hungry, could you spare a couple of dollars”. I have eight dollars in the little pull out drawer under my radio. I give him the three dollars and he walks right into McDonalds. This conversation ensued:

Me: I should have given him the $5 not the $3.

Nate: $3 will buy him food. It was more than anyone else gave him.

Me: Yes, but what would Jesus have done (tongue in cheek).

Nate: Jesus would’ve taken him into McDonalds and bought him a Big Mac extra value meal, blessed it and sent him home with 12 leftover Big Mac extra value meals.

And a picture from college this year. He's at the University of Kansas for a girls soccer game against Baylor (Selby plays for Baylor) with some of the "gang" he ran around with from freshman year all through high school.

In My Corner

2011-11-14T07:26:00.000-06:00

Recovered from going 41 hours without sleep last weekend in the woods...finally.

I went out with friends and saw bull riding. Steve was in a suit so he didn't ride the mechanical bull, but he said next time...I will get pictures/video.

I went to some friends 25th wedding anniversary and renewal of their vows. It was beautiful, good food. And Steve got a lesson in how to eat chicken wings, as the "groom" said he left too much meat on the bone. Steve has decided he will continue with his way of eating wings, because he will never eat the gristle.

I went to lunch after church with friends (and Steve and Whitney). I find out when we get home that she has posted as her facebook status "Dude...parents can talk FOREVER". This was an hour and fifteen minute lunch. That comment earned her 36 likes and 12 comments. She makes me laugh.

I didn't do anything but play and rest all weekend.

Have a good week everyone!

Five dollars worth of lottery tickets

2011-11-13T08:52:00.002-06:00

She stood impatiently in line at the grocery store customer service counter with a $5bill in her hand. It had been a long day. The first cold and rainy, wintry day of fall. She was only here to buy lottery tickets.

As she glanced around, she noticed the man standing at the counter next to her. He was carrying a plastic grocery bag of belongings. It wasn't from the grocery store they were standing in. He was wearing a full length padded winter coat, Oakland Raiders emblazoned on it. It was worn and ripped. His shoes didn't have shoestrings.

Something inside her said to give him her $5.00. But she resisted, how do I know he needs it? What if I embaress him? He may not be homeless or destitute.

But as she continued to watch him, he started counting out quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies. Digging in each pocket of his pants and coat. She counted with him, $2.00.

Oddly, she noticed he was clean. He didn't smell.

Then again, she felt like something was saying give him your $5.00.

She still resisted, how do I hand him money in front of all these people? They will look at me. They will look at him. It's just too weird.

But the inner tugging said he needs this more than you need lottery tickets. And she said to the inner voice and answered back, God, you want me to give it to him, I will.

So she folded the $5 bill into fourths and reached across the counter and slid it under his hand.

He looked down at his hand, and then looked up at her. A beautiful smile lit up his face. "Thank you miss", and it felt better than winning the lottery. He took the $5 and picked up his change and his grocery bag of belongings and left the store.

And she walked to the car empty handed, with tears running down her face, mixing with the rain.

Does $5 matter? Can it make a difference?

And the same voice told her to remember the loaves and fishes. Remember the woman who gave everything she had. Remember the good Samaritan.

Remember why you are here.

Love me, love others.

Where they are.

With what you have.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-11-11T08:05:00.000-06:00

The wisdom of the young, the maturity of youth really inspires me.

Comment from Whitney -

Just because a person does something horrible doesn't make them a horrible person.

Comment from Claire -

If it happened in the past, leave it there.

What am I not thankful for?

2011-11-10T08:01:00.001-06:00

I've been watching/reading/listening to people list what they are thankful for this month. Lists. Daily updates of what they are thankful for.

Wonderful that they are taking more than just Thanksgiving Day to think about what they are thankful for.

What am I thankful for?

I thought about what I'm not thankful for. Went to the bottom of the pit to see what is on the bottom of my list of what I wish I didn't have, have to deal with, etc.

Now I'm going to try and find a way to be thankful for these things.

Ozark Trail 100 Race Report

2011-11-07T11:17:00.020-06:00

2011 Ozark Trail 100 Mile was a success. It was a great weekend. Usually I stick to the crew view of things, but this includes some actual hikes into the trail and pictures.

We drove up Thursday night to have Friday to play before packet pick up and pre-race dinner. We chose to stay in Salem, Missouri, 35 minutes from the starting line instead of Bass River Resort which is the finish line and is two hours from the starting line. This 100 (102) mile point to point race is 55 miles of driving from start to finish and its never straight, never flat.

Friday morning we went to the starting line so I could see it in the light, and to hike for a little ways. Here is the starting line Friday morning in the light

Start line Saturday morning not in the light

Roots growing across the trail.

Rootballs – there was a storm here a while back that took out a lot of trees. There are places where this is in the middle of the trail and there is about a foot wide spot to get around it. I wish I’d had Steve stand in the picture to give perspective of how big this hole is. The root was about shoulder high on me.

Hills. This one was about a mile in from the starting line.

More hills. Steve coming into the aid station at 43.5. He came in from the right as you are looking at this picture. He had actually run down the ridge line behind him.

Even more hills. I hiked up the trail out of the 43.5 aid station and after ten minutes of just climbing, I turned around and came down. I did discover that the steep incline on one side of the trail and the decline on the other all covered with leaves brought on vertigo, not new to me. Steve said there were portions of the trail where you had to lean into the incline.

I saw Steve at miles 17.6, 43.5, 68.5, 81.5, 95 and 102. There was never a time where I thought he wasn’t doing well. He had an idea of how he wanted to run the OT 100, but he came in at the 17.6 mile aid station 45 minutes behind where he wanted to be. He was feeling strong, but completely threw his plan out and his new plan was to stay way ahead of the cutoffs and finish the race. When he left an aid station he would tell me when to expect him and he came into every aid station within 15 minutes of the time he told me he would be there. Always smiling.

Mile 95 aid station

He was happy and ready to finish the race. He had 7 miles left with four and half hours to finish. He told me it would take about two and half hours because he was going to savor the last 7 miles.

There was another runner leaving about the same time Steve did, and Eric and Steve did the last 7 miles together. My understanding from Steve (and other runners) is that the last 7 miles is the toughest of the course.

There are such wonderful people on the trails. The aid station volunteers, the ham radio operators, the race directors, the pacers, and the families and friends. And they all have a story. Some of my favorites…

The sixteen year old boy who asked if he could run last year and he was told no because of his age. They let him run this year. He finished. Sophomore in high school.

The crew of an Oklahoma runner who adopted a runner who was running slightly behind their runner. He was young and running solo, so they looked after him.

The crew of a runner who showed up at every station and volunteered until their runner headed out. Their runner won “the last mule in the barn award” so they were at the aid stations for awhile.

The runner from Michigan who said everyone in the midwest was so nice. Could she just take them all home with her?

The runner with pink hair who dyed her hair pink in support of her friend who has breast cancer. And her pacer who ran 59.5 miles with her. And the friend with breast cancer who was her crew. I loved these women, and if they didn’t live 3 hours away, they would have to see me more.

Steve coming into the finish line at Bass River Resort 30:02:34 28th place out of 43 fnishers

Steve at awards getting his buckle

Other notable events in my experience of this race.

Flat tire at mile 95 aid station. But I can change a tire.
The runner who decided to change his clothes at mile 43.5 aid station. I couldn’t look away fast enough. I think the fresh boxers helped, he finished well.
The eight year old boy who paced his dad for the last 7 miles.
Runners from Alaska, Singapore and Dubai.
The baked potato at the finish line.
Hearing about Steve singing with his ipod in the forest and getting requests.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-11-04T07:36:00.001-05:00

This is not Whitney. I told a friend of mine when I saw this that I'm living her future.

***MOM of adorable witch...I should've asked permission, but since no one knows who it is or where you live her anonymity is protected, lol. Like your child wants to live in anonymity.

She's just like me...sometimes

2011-11-03T11:30:00.004-05:00

Whitney started some drama the other day. Unintentional. Funny comment on a friend's facebook page. I didn't even know it was an inside joke, and it made me laugh. A girl got highly upset because she thought it was about her. Turns out it was. I also started some drama. Called someone out on something they said. Not an inside joke, same principle. Whitney gets her mouth from me.

This girl went after Whitney. On facebook, towards Whitney's friends, foul language, some threats. Whitney deleted the words. I got emails sent to me, blog posts made about me, and I used the delete button without reading these words. Whitney takes after her momma there.

Whitney laughed. Says she doesn't scare me. She knows my friends. She knows who has my back. She isn't going to do anything. I was called ignorant and people wanted to kick my ass and I laughed. Whitney has my attitude. The laughing in the face of danger (or maybe she gets that from Simba. She says Lion King is the BEST MOVIE EVER!)

Whitney stands up for herself. Fights for what she believes is right. I'm a fighter. Stand on my own two feet. Happy to pass this on to her.

We both have strengths and weaknesses, good and bad. And she has a lot of the same one's I have that she will have to deal with and overcome.

She's just like me...sometimes.

Then she smiles. And she is her daddy's girl.

Doubt

2011-10-31T07:20:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago when I was in Lawrence I told Nate that I knew God was going to answer my prayers for him in a big way. I knew that it was going to happen soon. (Nothing like putting God on the spot, is there?) Nate told me he was praying too. Which really touched me. So I'm rolling through the days praying continually, which I do. My very specific prayer for one of my girls was answered, and we thanked God and kept praying for the others. A very specific prayer for another of my girls was answered. Praised God and kept praying for the other two. Thursday morning (12 days after my speaking for God) Nate called. He is sick. What can he take. I get symptoms and Dr. Mom prescribes. He doesn't have anything other than tylenol, doesn't think he can make it to Dillons, two blocks away. But Sam will go when he gets home. I spend the day at my desk fighting tears and losing.

I wanted to get in the car and drive to Lawrence. But a day of vacation, two tanks of gas, I'd be worn out, and it's not necessary. And that afternoon, I doubt God. I am afraid that he is going to let me down, and on top of that, not show up and let Nate know that he does take care of him. I'm not only doubting, if I'm honest, I'm a little angry. I've had a rough year, I've relied totally on God's strength to get through, but for one day I doubted why I was even on this earth. All it took was pain in my child. (Not going to go into how I'm God's child and how he feels when I hurt, I get it.)

I get up Friday, it's a new day, and do the things I do. On my way home from work Nate calls. I don't usually answer the phone when I'm driving, but it was Nate, he had been sick, I was worried. He called to tell me that GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYER. Okay, he called and told me what happened, but it was an answer to my prayer. After talking to Nate, I thanked God, tears streaming down my face. (Another danger while driving).

Fast forward two days. Mike is talking about doubting Thomas.

John 20:24-28

One of the eleven disciples was missing. This was a man named Thomas.

After Jesus was gone, Thomas came back to the room where everyone was hiding. When he entered, the disciples told him, “Thomas, oh Thomas, it is true! We’ve seen Jesus! He’s alive! “He said to them, “No. I won’t believe it unless I see the nail marks in His hands. I have to put my finger where the nails were. If I can put my hand into His side, then I’ll believe you.”

Eight days later, Jesus visited the disciples again. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus walked right through the locked doors. “Peace be with you,” He said. Then He said, “Thomas, come here with your finger and see My hands. Touch the wounds in My hand. Put your hand into My side. Stop doubting now and believe.”

Thomas felt very ashamed for not believing. He hung his head, “My Lord and my God!”

How many times does God have to prove himself to me before I stop doubting? I have metaphorically put my fingers where the nails were so many times (just this year!) and yet I still get disappointed by God. I was so thankful for the answered prayer, but it wasn't till Sunday morning I was convicted about my 24 hours on Thursday.

For those of you who have been praying for my kids since this post three of the four specific requests have been answered. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

In My Corner

2011-10-30T20:34:00.009-05:00

I made two kinds of cupcakes for my two oldest daughters birthday party.

I ate too many cupcakes.

I ran 8 miles.

I went to two ab classes.

I've been freaked out by all the scary movies that are on TV and Whitney's love for them.

I made Oreo Truffles to send to Nate. I wont' be having dessert till Thanksgiving now.

Steve registered to run the Ozark Trail 100. Four weeks after the Heartland 100. I'm excited for him.

I went to a Halloween party.

Steve was hilarious.

I dressed up like the 80's to lead worship Sunday morning. This misses the full effect of the blue eyeshadow and leg warmers. It also doesn't show that I'm giving my best rendition of Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time".

Steve dressed up like the 80's (Run DMC tee shirt) and not sure what he was singing here, but he did an awesome rendition of Warrant's power ballad "Heaven". (We also did some great worship music, it's a series called "My Generation" and we've done 60's, 70's and 80's. Lots of fun, lots of great sermons. Tomorrow I'm going to share how today's message really touched me).

Conversations with Whitney

2011-10-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

Some of these are repeats, but these faces made me laugh as I was printing them for the scrapbook party.

Tummy Tuck Week 6

2011-10-26T08:50:00.001-05:00

I am released to exercise and run. I couldn't wait, so I have already been to an ab class and ran two miles. The ab class was fun, I was very careful, my tummy is still really tight, so I didn't do any ball or bosu work. Also limited on push ups and used very light weights. I felt ab muscles working and actual soreness the next two days so the doctor got them fixed.

I was nervous about running and had decided on two miles on the treadmill so I could be done by pushing stop if I couldn't do it. I took my time, I started out slow and as I was speeding up, Austin (my former trainer and a runner of the Steve 50) came over and talked to me. So I slowed down to a walk and talked, (he's getting married in 2 weeks) and the first mile wasn't painful at 14:26 pace.
The second mile I ran.

I felt good, so I continued to speed up and finished at a little under 8 minute mile pace which felt comfortable. I was stiff and sore the next day, but mostly in my legs and that was because I hadn't run a single step for 6 weeks.

A few added benefits, my tummy felt great while I ran. Much less of it out front was awesome. And my pants stayed around my middle the way they were meant too. I didn't have to adjust my clothes while running.

This picture is from four weeks. Same jeans, a lot looser, but still a lot of swelling. The imprint on my tummy is from the binder I wore for six weeks. Still experiencing a lot of swelling, especially at the end of the day.

Is there Utopia? Can I go?

2011-10-24T11:12:00.004-05:00

I've got some heavy stuff in my heart. But I don't want to be deep and heavy and deal with feelings today. I want light hearted and fun. I want something to take the hurt away. The angst of life.

I want to be care free. I want life to be simple. I want to play all day. I want to feel whole. I don't want ugly people in my life. I don't want stupid people in my life.

I want to sleep until I'm not tired.

I want to read Donald Duck cartoons and watch game shows. I want to eat Pizza and ice cream.

I just want easy. For a while. A short while.

Easy isn't to be confused with good. I have good.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-10-21T07:30:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what your children think of you?

Last weekend we were at the volleyball tournament in Sabetha, Kansas. The 2010 census lists their population at 2,571. Perspective??? Heights had 1,554 official enrollment in 2010. Whitney said it's really crowded this year, don't know if that means more students or different schedule.

Some of the volleyball team snuck out their windows. I saw the pictures on facebook. Taken by my daughter. I would like to say the three senior girls involved were the ringleaders, but sadly, truthfully, it was the sophomore girls, (aka WHITNEY BAKER).

And one of the senior girls at senior night says her favorite volleyball memory is sneaking out of the hotel room and taking pictures in the field. Coach has said he's resigning. Said at the senior reception (mmmmmm cake) that next year there will be a parent in every room. In reply to this...

Whitney: YES!!! My mom will hold the window open for us.***

***Yep, but I'd go with them.

She was interviewed for the catchitkansas.com website.

http://www.catchitkansas.com/sports/cik-heights-volleyball-has-solid-week-20111017,0,197854.story

I still can't get my links to work, I have got to get a computer whiz to show me what I'm doing wrong. If you want to read it, you can paste this into your browser. She comes across like the intelligent young lady she is. Not the dodgeball looking toughie.

Gifts

2011-10-18T11:40:00.003-05:00

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11

Thought of this today. I took Nate shopping Friday in Lawrence. Whitney shopping last night for more dress clothes for the last volleyball game of the season tonight. Two special birthdays this month for two of my girls I get to go look for gifts. I love to give my children gifts.

I have some gifts I'm asking my heavenly Father for right now. What kind of gift do you need? It doesn't have to be material or monetary. It can be relational, or relief of a burden; physical, emotional or spiritual healing. It can even be a special prayer for a gift for someone else. Ask. I am. I'm asking for those of you who come by and read this. That our heavenly Father will give good gifts to those of you bold enough to ask. If you want me to pray more specifically, leave me a comment, or if it's too personal for comments, send me an email. I'd love to pray for you.

patsybaker@rocketmail.com

I believe

2011-10-17T06:02:00.000-05:00

There is something in high school sports, at least in Wichita, that I love. It’s a chant from the student section. And when you have a couple hundred teenagers jumping up and down and dancing and yelling at the top of their lungs “I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN” it is truly something fun to see.

At Whitney’s volleyball game last Tuesday night we played a school that is undefeated in city league. It’s a privileged school, private catholic school. Heights has a lot of disadvantaged kids. Not so much on the volleyball team, although there are a few. Our tallest player is about the same height as Kapaun’s shortest player. We look like underdogs. We lost our first game of the match 8-25. Big ouch, but we had lost to Kapaun already this year and we weren’t expected to win. And then the unexpected happened in game two. We beat them. 25-21, I think. And to game three, the tie breaker. We were down. By more than 5. But our scrappy little team kept playing. In a gym that had about 100 Kapaun students in their student section, making a lot of noise, and 3 Heights students in our student section making a lot of noise. (And one extremely brave 6 grade sibling of one of the volleyball players, she ran with a poster board that said “heights point” in front of their student section. It was awesome.) And we started coming back. And we ate at their lead. And heard their voices screaming “I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN.” Right up to the point we tied it at 24-24. And then beat them 26-24 to win the match. But until that last ball hit the floor, they believed that they would win.

AND…Whitney told us on the way home that when we caught up to them she knew we would win.

I wondered when the last time I had that much confidence in myself or my team was. I wondered how it would look for me to stand up and jump up and down and yell at the top of my lungs “I BELIEVE THAT I WILL WIN”. Why not? Everything in life that is important to me is Jesus, my husband, my children, my friends, people in general. I will fight for what I believe in, but I try to make sure I’m on the side of what’s right. (And I prefer to avoid conflict. I don’t much like it, I can easily walk away.)

This verse came to mind Romans 8:31 “What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us”?

Makes me want to be sure God is for me. Keep my actions honoring him. Keep my words pleasing to him. Keep my heart tender to him. And then, I can say it.

I BELIEVE THAT I WILL WIN!

In my corner

2011-10-16T14:31:00.003-05:00

I got to spend Friday evening with Nate and Saturday with these two. There aren't words to say how much I love them. I did take him out to eat and shopping for some necessities and wants and got to hug him ( a bunch) and love on him.

But I still see this.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-10-14T11:59:00.002-05:00

I was told this last weekend at Whitney's volleyball tournament that she looks like she belongs in Dodgeball, The movie.

Do you see it?

When you pass through the fire

2011-10-13T11:26:00.005-05:00

In my Bible Study I was thinking this morning about what I do. Where I serve God, how I serve God, what I do for God.

I'm not changing the world. I'm not a Paul or Abraham or David or Jonah. I'm not a Ruth or Esther.

I thought this morning though that if I could be like someone in the Bible, really truly be like someone, Enoch would be on the list. We don't know much about him. He was Noah's great-grandpa, the father of Methuselah. Hebrews 11:5 says "he had the witness that he had pleased God well." My Sunday school teachers always taught us that Enoch walked with God. That's really all I know. And for me, it's a great testimony. I'm no Enoch, but I would love to be.

I shared previously that my older kids are all going through tough times. I have friends going through tough times. I have some pretty heavy stuff weighing on me.

A friend of mine gave me some advice this week, from her wisdom arsenal. She said she has told God that the donkey was going to have to do it. (Old Testament reference, Numbers 22). She said we never do it on our own, but when we reach the end of what we can do, God will step in and make it happen, and he can do it in ways we would never dream of.

So here's to the donkey, getting it done.
Balaam and the angel, painting from Gustav Jaeger, 1836.

Heartland 100 Race Report

2011-10-10T11:02:00.004-05:00

Heartland 100 Race Report – the crew view

DISCLAIMER - There will be no course descriptions or actual information from someone running this race, as I was only there in the dark and did not run a single step of the course. Doctor’s orders.

I was member of the crew from 4:15 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. and then again from 7:30 p.m. till well, still now. He's doing great, but his legs are pretty tired so I'll take care of him for a couple more days.

I took Steve to the start line at 5:15 and waited around for the “ready, set, GO” to start the race. Trail races are different than marathons.
No chip timing, no bands, no gun to start the race, no jockeying for position on the front row.

I left after the last runner passed where I was standing at the side of the road. It wasn’t hard to have a front line view of the 111 runners. I drove the 45 minutes home and took a shower and got my cooler and mac n cheese and 4 dozen cookies for the volleyball team and headed to the tournament. My girls played well. We didn’t win; we played a tremendously tough field of teams and split with some, and played all of them close. Which means lots of points and extra games per match, extra time. Which was good, they played well, but sucked for me cause I wanted them to be done so I could get to the race and watch (check) on Steve.

I got updates after every crew access aid station from Jimmy and Patty Moulds. They were brief, but always said which aid station he was leaving and that he was on schedule. He had a very detailed pace schedule so he could finish in under 24 hours, and I had a copy so I knew exactly where he was, and for the first 50 miles he stayed with that schedule, I knew he was doing great. (I then had to pass on updates to the volleyball parents and Whitney who proudly wore her Heartland 100 Tee shirt that Steve got her to school today).

Steve had an awesome crew and group of pace runners. He had 5 people volunteer to run with him and crew for him. After mile 42.5 he could have pace runners, one at a time for the last 67.5 miles. Jimmy and Patty were there at 9:00 for his first crew aid station and stayed till he crossed the finish line. Heidi showed up at mile 42.5 and ran 15 miles with him. Heidi is a triathlon coach and is a great athlete and encourager, and was really good company for him.

Patty ran the next 6 miles with him. This is the only time they fell off pace and it was because it was overcast and rainy and got dark earlier than usual and without their headlamps they had to slow down to navigate so they were in about 30 minutes behind schedule. She finished running at 7:30 and that was when I wanted to be there, but I was just getting off the highway at 7:30 and knew I wouldn’t make it. As I was leaving the gym, (okay, as I was yelling at a ref for two bad line calls in a row that cost us a game, last two plays of the game we lost 26-24) Jed called. He had got back into town and was going to come out and run the leg Steve didn’t have a runner for. It was pouring in Derby when I left, but remarkably, the monsoon (it felt like a monsoon, carrying a cooler, crockpot, cushioned chair backs and a feedbag to the car) in Wichita had not made it to Cassoday, and didn’t.
Volleyball wears them out.

I stopped at the Cassoday general store to change clothes and get something to eat. I wondered around the two 6 foot long aisles trying to decide which kind of chips and beef jerky I wanted (I know, it was so limited) when the clerk asked what I was looking for. Two quick questions and I left with the best pulled pork sandwich I’ve ever had. Seriously. The. Best.

Jimmy was off and running his 11 miles with Steve and I met Brian Jackson and Patty at the store to follow them to next aid station. When we got to the aid station, Jed and Jenny and Kael and Zoey (their kids who are old pros at aid stations and races as dad is marathon runner and ultra runner himself and mom is a crazy good triathlete) pulled in behind us. Jed and Jenny are good friends with Jimmy and Patty (Jed and Jimmy were on the same college track team) and also know Brian well. We watched runners come in to the aid station and Jimmy and Steve showed up earlier than expected, Jimmy made up 20 minutes of the time they had lost.

Jed was like a race horse at the starting line of the Kentucky Derby, he couldn’t get Steve out of the aid station and back on the course fast enough. Steve did what he needed to do, lubed his feet, filled his water bottles, etc., grabbed a freshly made to order grilled cheese sandwich and headed out.

We drove to the next aid station and waited at the top of the hill. This is 83 miles into the race. And watched people come into the aid station. And cheered for them. And Jenny got out her “Christmas Crack”. This is a trail mix kind of thing she specially makes at the Nifty Nut House in downtown Wichita. I was still full three hours later from the sandwich, so I didn’t have any crack. Earlier than we expected I looked down the hill and saw a handful of headlamps. It was so dark out there we could see runners coming by the little bobbing lights. Most were walking up the hill. But two were running, and I knew it was Steve and Jed. There was no way Jed would walk into an aid station, even if it required running uphill. And it was. Jed brought him in 20 minutes ahead of schedule with 16 miles to go.

Brian was shoed up and ready to go, so Steve (sweaty, stinky Steve) hugged Jimmy and Patty and Jed and Jenny and thanked them over and over for coming and headed out with Brian. I was expecting to follow them back to Cassoday, from there I could find the finish line and wait, and was totally amazed that at 12:30 at night they all went to the finish line and took naps in their cars and waited for Steve to finish. Except for Patty who sat with me at the finish line. I had consumed too much caffeine trying to stay awake since 4:15 and couldn’t sleep. She kept me company.

We watched 100 milers and 50 milers trickle in for the next 3 hours or so. After the 12th train went through town, two blocks down from the finish line, Jimmy joined us. I realized at 2:30 I was starving and got out my last food, a bag of powdered donuts. (Lots of additional crack jokes here because of the white powder and the loopiness of all involved). Jed and Jenny soon joined us and we waited in the cold, humid dark, watching for headlamps.

I watched them cross the finish line walking and running and limping. I watched crews and family members stand every time headlamps showed to see if it was their runner. We were watching for two headlamps as Steve was one of the fortunate runners to have company.

One lone headlamp showed up in the distance and we watched a runner, running very well at the end of 50/100 miles cross the finish line to cheering and clapping. They asked for his number and he says, “I’m just a pacer. Is Patsy here?” My heart dropped, thinking Steve was way behind schedule, that his knee with the meniscus surgery had given out, that he was sitting on the side of the road unable to run and didn’t want me worried, all kinds of things, so I said I was there and I will never forget these words, “We are 30 minutes ahead of schedule and Steve was afraid you wouldn’t be at the finish line”. Much laughter at this, but these people did not know I have slept through aid stations and one finish line.

Steve was about 5 minutes behind Brian and finished the race with a friend, Adam. He was very excited to find the whole crew had stayed to see him finish. He finished strong, beating his goal of under 24 hours, and was ahead of his planned pace/schedule by 27 minutes, finishing in 22:52 and 16th place. He ate some pancakes at the aid station, picked up his beautiful belt buckle
(now we will buy a belt so he can wear this thing) and headed home. I did wash his clothes before I went to bed. Twenty-six and a half hours without sleep and I did a load of laundry before I went to bed. Yep, 100 miles worth of sweat and stink. When another runner tells you at mile 92, both of you at mile 92 that you stink, you really stink. (Thanks Adam, will always laugh at this).

I am so proud of him. Not bad for foot surgery and knee surgery in July.

Having only run marathons, the amount of training and mental toughness required to run 100 miles is something I have only witnessed. But these are remarkable people. I could write two more pages about the runners and the crews and the aid stations and the race directors….

He fell asleep in the car head upright halfway through sending a text. Finger in the air poised over the iphone.

Busy Day

2011-10-08T16:23:00.003-05:00

Normally I don't talk about being busy, cause aren't we all? But I have now been up for twelve hours as I type this. Sitting on the floor in the Derby High School commons area, Whitney is headed into the gym for match 5. We are four and one. She is tired too. I forced her to eat a Reeses for energy. Seriously. Last update I have Steve was through mile 42.5 on scheduled pace. Its so hard wanting (needing) to be two places at once.
He has a great crew and pacers, he is not alone.

By 9:00 a.m I had my hobbit on and was eating second breakfast. Had cheered Steve off at the starting line at 6:00, showered, made mac n cheese for volleyball and got to the first game. When its over I will head back to the Heartland 100 and be there when Steve runs the last 40 miles.

So grateful for friends letting Whitney hang with them and friends looking after Steve and keeping me updated. So here is to busy fun weekends. And now to the gym to watch my girl.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-10-07T07:11:00.002-05:00

A recent outing with Whitney took us to Mead's Corner in Old Town for a smoothy (for her) and an iced tea and pumpkin cookie (for me). Then we went to the thrift store on the corner. She bought a really cool necklace of a sun, moon and stars and a heart shaped cameo necklace for $5.98. She also found a prom dress (lol).

And this pillow that she didn't buy because it would be like "sleeping with your head on someone's butt".

TMI

2011-10-06T12:34:00.002-05:00

I sometimes wonder what constitutes TMI. There is so much I don’t share. (I know that may be hard to believe). So many situations I can’t talk about. I have 5 kids. Four of them are going through extremely difficult times right now. And as much as I would love to ask specific prayers for them, I can’t.

I have some stuff heavy on my heart that I am seeking the Lord for and I can’t share it with anyone. I know everyone has this in their life. Sometimes it’s just heavier when you carry it all by yourself.

And I thought about this today and knew that if I feel this way, there has to be so many other people feeling this way too. I don’t know what it is for you, but as I typed this, I prayed that God would show himself in some way to everyone who reads these words that is looking for an answer to something heavy. That he would comfort you and let you know that while you may not have many (or anyone) you can share with here on earth, that he loves you, and he cares.

1 Peter 5: 7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you."

Tummy Tuck - 3 weeks post op

2011-10-05T12:15:00.000-05:00

Update, I am feeling really good, like I should be normal because I go to work, I go to volleyball games and church, I do dishes and laundry. I think I should be 100% back to normal already and I’m not. Not by a long shot. I get tired easy, still some pain, and just some other post-op stuff I have to deal with. Plus, I'm still healing, and that's tiring work on my body.

I didn’t take a picture in my jeans, (will do that next week). After going to work at 6:00 a.m., going to the doctor after, Whitney's volleyball tri-meet and some chores last night I was too tired to even put my jeans on and take a picture.

I still have a lot of swelling. I haven’t measured my waist, but even with the swelling, my hips are 5 inches smaller. I worked out with a trainer and ran for five months training for and completing a marathon and lost 3 inches around my hips. Not to discourage anyone from working out and running or to encourage surgery. Just my facts

I am looking forward to get back to running in three weeks.

Random Thoughts

2011-10-04T11:05:00.000-05:00

What is the fascination with vampires? They drink blood, can’t come out during the daylight, and they bite people. I have a hard enough time hugging people I don’t know very well, biting a stranger? Ewwww. (I realize I’m more bothered by biting them than drinking their blood.)

Why do people send out emails of the people of walmart dot com website? If I want to be grossed out by the people who shop at Walmart, I’ll go to Walmart. Or look on purpose at the website. Being greeted with that unsuspecting in the morning while eating breakfast when I open an email is quite a shock.

My 15 year old daughter would never in a million years dress like me, especially not at the same time. Last week her and Steve bought the same running shorts. Then on Saturday she made sure they both wore them to her volleyball tournament. And she put hers on over her spandex between every game so everyone could see. And they were loud. Highlighter green with orange and blue stripes on the side. It was great fun when someone would point out that “that dude has the same shorts” and she would say, “that’s my dad”.

I get to see Nate next weekend. This is the first time I have thought about putting a smiley face in something I typed.

It’s windy in Kansas. And dry. There are fire watch advisory’s out this week.

I have a phone on my desk at work, a company cell phone and my personal cell phone. I get personal calls at work and company calls on my personal phone.

I watched Whitney construct a quesadilla last night. Tortilla layered with cheese, refried beans, grilled chicken breast, salsa, sour cream, more cheese and another tortilla. It was about an inch and a half thick. Feeding her after 17 volleyball games last week and 3 days of practice is fun. I took her and Maddi to Il Vicino with us when we went out with Jake and Carrie last week. Both girls mowed through their whole pizza, Maddi ate a salad, and then Whitney came and got money for Tiramisu for them to share. All that, and she’s getting thinner.

I Want

2011-10-02T07:42:00.001-05:00

I want to love my husband.

No matter how bad his mood is or how good his mood is.

When he treats me like a princess.

When he doesn’t. (I can be on the other side of the fairy tale, I can be witchy.)

When he buys me gifts.

When he doesn’t.

When he tells me I look nice in jeans and tee shirt. (I think they said sweat pants, but if he told me I looked good in sweats, I would know it wasn't true.)

When he doesn’t notice how nice I look dressed up and fixed up.

I want to remember he’s human.

He will not always put me first.

He will not always hang on my every word.

He will not want to spend every moment with me.

He may want to choose the restaurant.

He gets to make decisions in my house.

He will mess up.

He will hurt me.

He will not be perfect.

BUT I WILL LOVE HIM. EVERY MOMENT, EVERY DAY.

I WILL FORGIVE HIM. I WILL EXTEND GRACE.

This is for all my single lady friends who keep posting on facebook that they want a man who treats them like a princess, tells them they are hot in sweat pants with no make up and who will basically put them on a pedestal and worship them. THAT’S WRONG. Only worship God.

Are you willing to love? Whole heartedly? 100%? Give someone your best? That means nice sweat pants. Make a list of the things you want to do for those you love.

Remember 1 Corinthians 13 says “love does not demand its own way”. Maybe if the world quit selling the idea of demanding what you want and looking for perfection (cause you ain't no perfect princess either) and settle for happily married imperfection like the rest of us. I love my imperfect man. With everything I have.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-09-29T21:30:00.001-05:00

A picture is worth 1,000 words...in this case, words fail me, and that doesn't happen often.

VICTORY FACES!!!

A picture is worth a 1,000 words...or in this case, priceless.

City league sports here are highly competitive. And the school rivalries are fierce. We faced one of our biggest rivals in volleyball Tuesday and the match went all five games and three of them were two point games, including the fifth match which we won 15-13. Good day to be a falcon.

*pictures courtesy of The Wichita Eagle, kansas.com*

Tummy Tuck - 2 Weeks Post Op

2011-09-27T16:31:00.007-05:00

I saw a plastic surgeon three years ago and he told me that my ab muscles were non-existent (due to carrying a ten pound baby) and that I would never lose my tummy, it would have to be surgically removed. I somewhat believed him, but also thought he just wanted money.

So after three years I have run a handful of 10K's, several 10 milers, four half marathons, two marathons and more double digit training runs than I can count. I have run at 5:00 a.m. and 12:00 a.m. I have run through every type of weather and every condition possible. I have counted calories and attended weight watchers. I have gone hungry and skipped dessert. I hired a personal trainer and went to ab classes three times a week for six months.

I found out he was right. So I saw another surgeon. Remember this post?

http://patsybaker.blogspot.com/2011/05/more-than-you-want-to-know.html

She explained that having no muscles in my abs would not allow me to lose the weight in my tummy and worked my back overtime when I did core exercise. Which was causing chronic back pain, trouble sleeping even. I had no idea my back was straining to cover for my non-existent abs. Whitney laughed herself silly over this, "mom, you did all those crunches for nothing."

So I did it. Here is my day before surgery and my two weeks post op, taken today. I'm experiencing a bit of swell hell, but it is getting better. Will take a while for it to completely subside.

I went back to work after a week and it was a little rough the first three days, but then I got a weekend and it's been good since. A few too many post op doctor appointments, but that's a good thing.

I am thrilled. THRILLED.

my world

2011-09-27T07:55:00.000-05:00

I drove into the Subway parking lot to get something healthy for lunch. Okay, a foot long so I had dinner too, because Steve was going to Independence Friday night to run a 50K on Saturday.

As I pulled into the parking stall, a car pulled in next to me. The guy driving had tattoos that matched the paint job on his car. I was intrigued and was staring. As I watched him and rolled into the parking stall, I did not hit the brakes before my tires hit the concrete slab and stopped me quite suddenly.

The driver of the car sees this and laughs at me. Believing I'm interested in him. It was a very awkward conversation and trip through the line ordering my sandwich in Subway.

In my corner

2011-09-25T15:40:00.007-05:00

Illustrated version, I'm tired.
One evening at the mall for Whitney's new leopard print dress. The theme for the football game was animal print. She wore a leopard print headband to the football game.

Ten matches (23 games)

31 miles of the Flatrock

Slept 14 hours last night. I was tired. Still am, so talk to you tomorrow.

Rocks

2011-09-23T07:37:00.000-05:00

I looked at the large pile of rocks in front of me.

They all had writing on them, and as I looked closer the writing was a name and a sin, many with a time and date. There were several rocks that had the same name on them, just different sins. As I read them, I realized these were my rocks. People who had wronged me and I had started collecting rocks to throw. There was no doubt they deserved to be thrown. I wanted to throw these rocks with a purpose. I wanted to hurt these people the way they had hurt me. I picked one up, in particular and it felt pretty good in my hand. She deserved it. She knew she did. I knew she was waiting for me to throw it. And because I hadn’t (yet) she thought I was a godly woman. Oh, how many of these rocks had her name on them.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw on the edge of my pile of rocks a man standing with a much larger pile of rocks in front of him. My eyes were drawn to him, even from this distance I could see the love and compassion in his eyes. I was ashamed of myself when I realized who it was.

It was Him. And here I was with an unconsciously unintentionally collected pile of rocks, holding one in my hand. Mentally I had already thrown these, several times. Physically, somehow, this man had stopped me from the actual destruction I could’ve caused.

I felt myself drawn closer to him, wanting to say I’m sorry. I pushed through the rocks toward him, toward the large pile I saw right at his feet. As I got closer, I could see the writing on the rocks.

Judgment
Hypocrisy
Anger
Bitterness
Laziness
Liar
Proud
Deceitful
Selfish

There were more rocks below these with words I couldn’t read. I bent over and picked up a rock. There was a name on the other side that I recognized, a time and date. The same on the next one…and it all crashed in on me. These were also my rocks. Times and dates and names of people who were going to throw them at me. And I had deserved them. The pile seemed to grow before my eyes as I looked at more and more names and sins I was guilty of through my tear blurred vision.

I dropped in front of him, tears rolling down my face, kneeling on these rocks meant for me. As the rock in my hand fell at his feet, realization dawned that these rocks were here, at his feet, where they had been dropped in shame, as I was now, and walked away from before they could be hurled at me. These were the hits that I should have taken. Hits I deserved. Yet in his mercy, he protected me. He stood in the gap for me. He offered the opportunity to others to show grace to me, and they had.

I stayed on my knees at his feet and asked forgiveness. For both piles of my rocks.

When I stood up and looked around, I noticed my pile of rocks no longer had names and accusations on them.

I no longer felt the need to throw.

When I looked for Him, he was gone…but I still felt his presence.

Steve, Snakes and Taco Bell

2011-09-22T11:50:00.001-05:00

Steve came home Monday night with this story. He went and ran with our friend Steve W. at Sedgwick County Park. He said he heard something hiss and looked over and there was a snake. It was coiled, it was kind of wound up and it’s head was up and it’s tongue was shooting in and out and it was hissing. AUDIBLY. He said if he’d been walking, it would’ve been able to bite him. Steve W. said he heard it, but thought it was the sprinklers coming on. Every snake I’ve come in sight of was trying to get away from me, was never in the attack frame of mind. I have to tell you, this one freaked Steve out a little. He doesn’t know what kind it was, but really, do you need to know? Ewwwww.

Steve came home Wednesday night from a run on the trail behind our house. Had to run off the trail around behind a snake spread out 4 foot wide across the path. I think the sudden change in temps has driven them out looking for warmer places.

If I have to take 6 weeks off from running, this is a good time. I seeing snakes.

I can’t wait to get back on a real training schedule for a real run with tee shirts and aid stations and other runners and the excitement of the starting line and the comraderie of the finish line. Hopefully in November I’ll get the chance. Next up, crew for the Heartland 100 Steve is running in October.

And totally unrelated, I love Taco Bell.

Virtual Darkness

2011-09-21T11:49:00.002-05:00

I took a week off. From work. From email. From twitter. From facebook. From my blog and everyone elses. Due to the nature of why I was off I also did no housework and cooking. If I had to feed myself I ate cereal or PB&J. Whitney made Sunday dinner. Chile and cinnamon rolls. And both were delicious. Steve has been taking care of both of us. And doing a darn fine job.

Today I'm back at work. Took Whitney to school and drove on to my office. Logged on to my computer and (gulp) 579 new email messages. Fortunately, everything that had an action required had been worked by my extraordinary co-workers. So that just left reading thoroughly to make sure if there was follow-up I was in the loop.

Now I'm at lunch. PB&J and grapes. I'm released to go back to work, but not to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk or do housework. Nice gig, I tell ya.

I did not miss my computer or facebook or twitter. I checked my personal email and opened the ones that I knew required a response from me. Everything else I deleted. It's kind of powerful.

And just to let you know how much I love technology, even in my virtually dark week, I have called Whitney the last three days to wake her up for school. From my room to her room, I've called her and said it's time to get up.

*please note, I never offer my mothering practices as the correct way to do things.*

D E F E N S E

2011-09-13T12:18:00.004-05:00

I pulled this picture off the Catch it Kansas website. It made me think of Ephesians 6 and the armor of God.

Whitney is a defensive player on the volleyball team. Her position is defensive specialist. She plays defense behind the top hitter in the Wichita city league. Crystal has been described as "wood splintering". Whitney follows her to the net for hits and blocks to cover the dink, and backs up to take the other teams hits to make a pass so the ball can be set up for Crystal to pound. Crystal is amazing. So is Whitney. She leads the team in passing percentage. Her passes are right on the money 9 out of 10 times. Whitney has one offensive move. Her jump floater serve. And she nails it.

Whitney lives for digging the ball. Taking the "ace" away from the server. Getting under the well hit ball and putting it in the air for the set and the hit. Her wood burns and bruises are legendary on her teams. Skin scraping the floor. Elbows torn out of jerseys. Knee pads with chunks taken out of them. She loves the thrill of diving away from the ball, swinging with one arm and landing the pass right on top of Laura. Defense. It's her spot.

Ephesians 6:10-18
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people

There are all the pieces of armor for defense. Head to toe. So necessary. I need to remember to clothe myself with them every morning.

There are two offensive weapons in our aresnal. The Bible, called "the sword of the Spirit" and praying always. Not really attack moves, are they.

The reason this hit me when I looked at this picture was because I sometimes think I need to do the Lord's work. Go on the offense. And I don't mean in a good way, as in feeding the poor or volunteering at church. I mean as in pointing out faults and flaws. Telling people how wrong they are. Making sure they know how wretched they are. This is not what God has given me to do. Mine is to love. And for me, one more thing I have to keep in mind, love unselfishly. Love where the need is, not what is easy and convenient for me. Not love MY way, but let Jesus love shine through me.

I don't need to go out and splinter wood with my hard hits. The Holy Spirit will take care of that. I need to lovingly play defense and protect and encourage.

I'm gonna need a new sweatband!

Write it on your wrist

2011-09-12T08:15:00.002-05:00

I took a Beth Moore Bible study several years ago. It was good. I have taken some of her stuff, back when they offered it at church on Wednesday nights and I was there already. I’m not really a “bethmoorite” that can’t wait for every study and goes to every conference within a three state area, but I enjoy them occasionally. Mostly, I like to read my Bible. Anyway, that whole paragraph was really to get to this point. The study was Believing God. A couple weeks in they talked about the children of Israel weaving cords of blue into their prayer shawl to remember the commands of the Lord, and then they talked about rocks of remembrance, building a stone altar remembering how God was good to them.

In the Bible study they challenged everyone to wear a blue ribbon tied around their wrist to remember to believe God. That is a powerful thing. Having something tangible with you to make you remember. This spring as I was going through a rough time I bought this bracelet.

The blue to remind me of God’s commands. The stones in it to remind me of the good things he has already done. When I started wearing it I almost felt Catholic rubbing a rosary. I would hold these beads between my fingers for comfort. I would see or feel the bracelet on my arm and it would remind me to pray.

Interestingly enough, this is one of those karma bracelets or something like that and the inscription that came with it is “hope”. That always brought my mind to the scripture 1 Corinthians 13:7-8 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends.

These verses have come to mean to me that loving others is going to be hard, otherwise we wouldn’t have to bear and endure and hope. But it’s so worth it.

I still wear it. The bracelet. The white and greeny blue don’t match much in my closet. But then, I’m not all about matching accessories. And what this bracelet means to me now is different than 6 months ago, even 3 months ago. It reminds me that God is faithful. That he keeps his promises. That he can be trusted. This strip of white threads interspersed with green stones and white sparkly stones cost pennies compared to the tennis bracelet I wear with it.

It was a gift from Steve. It’s very special to me too. I wear it often and it makes me think of him. It reminds me that he loves me. It reminds me of our life together. And I had been meaning to take it to the jewelry repair shop, because one of the prongs broke and I lost a diamond. But now I’m not going to. In the picture you can’t tell it’s missing a diamond. It’s shiny and sparkly and beautiful. I like the missing diamond. I like the idea that it’s beautiful but imperfect. I like that the bracelet shines and sparkles and you have to look hard to see it’s missing a chunk. I like that its beauty, in my eyes (the owner) is not diminished because of the missing piece, it’s more valuable to me because of what it’s come to represent. It reminds me of Steve and I together. Not perfect, but together. Beautiful in our owner's (creator's) eyes. Broken, but repairable by the expert.

It represents that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. That beauty is found in imperfection. That just because something can be made whole, doesn’t mean it has to. It can be used and loved and valued in its “less than” state. While beauty can be found in a 2 carat diamond tennis bracelet it can also be found in embroidery thread and glass beads. That value is placed on the expensive gift from a lover but there is also value in a cheap bauble purchased for myself.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-09-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Got a good picture of her. And she had a great game this week. Nearly perfect. Foot fault on one jump serve. Other than that, nothing hit the floor (except for Whitney, should say no balls hit the floor) no missed serves, no shanked passes. Made me remember why I love to watch her play. Club season last year was pretty miserable, but this season so far has been fun. She will have bad games and bad plays. But this one game this week? Reminded me of the fact it's fun. It's not about life, it's not about college, it's not about teamwork or learning to deal with other people, it's a game and it's fun.

Helloooo? Is there anybody out there?

2011-09-08T07:57:00.000-05:00

Talk to me!

Tell me something about yourself.

Your name?

Any prayer requests?

It doesn't have to be about me ALL the time.

Defending league volleyball champion Northwest passes big test against Heights

2011-09-07T17:58:00.002-05:00

I hope this works. Click the link for a five minute video from a local television stations website dedicated to high school sports. Whitney is #15 with the yellow headband. She is wearing a black jersey this time.

Defending league volleyball champion Northwest passes big test against Heights

I love church

2011-09-07T11:55:00.000-05:00

Not MY church, Gracepoint, which I do love; not my OLD church, Newspring, which I did and do love; not Westlink or River Community or Riverlawn Christian or Central Christian or Aldersgate or Aviator Church or Boston Vineyard. I love all of them.

I also love Audacity Church, which has yet to launch in Wichita. And Gracepoint's Fayetteville campus, which launches this week in George's Majestic (a bar, who else is using it on Sunday morning? And everyone in the area knows George's, Huey Lewis is there the night before launch Sunday), and Restoration Church (I just love that name) that also launches this Sunday in Rockland, Mass at Players Bar and Grill (they are serving waffles), and again? Who else is using it Sunday morning. Just a side note, George's is $3,000 less a month than GP paid for the building they met in here in Wichita till they got their own building, and Players is free. No rent, no charge for utilities, etc. Pretty awesome stories.

We choose a church to worship in. Certainly there is a style of worship I prefer. And a preacher I like to listen to. And friends at the church I like to attend. And we spent a great amount of time searching and praying for just where God wanted us.

Here's the thing. Gracepoint is gritty. There are a lot of lifetime Christians, but there are a lot of new Christians. And there are a lot of tattoos and long hair on men and clothes on women that would have been deemed inappropriate at every other church I've attended. And at these churches, someone would've said something to you about causing men to stumble, self esteem, knowing you are a princess in God's eyes, etc.

Gracepoint is full of broken people. And they know it. I am a broken person. I look prettier on the outside than some, and I know how to talk Christian, but internally I'm as shattered, if not more so, than they are. Our spirits understand each other. But the lady at church my college years that told me my dress was too low cut and I was causing men to stumble? I get it (now) that she is broken too. She needed us to live at her standards. She felt the need to point out my sin. Or the lady who gossiped about me at 24 when I was pregnant with Nate. And my brother who stuck his nose in the conversation and told her they were going to stone me, but they couldn't find rocks big enough. She is broken too. And my big brother is a whole nother story entirely.

I realize we all need Jesus. I need him everyday. I can't get very far in my day without his strength. If I try, it's disastrous. Every bad day I have starts out that way, me doing it on my own. And I know it. Yet it still happens. Less than it used to, but it happens.

Some of us realize just how far we are from the standard he sets for us, and we try. And we get that love your neighbor is the first commandment. Love them. Not get them cleaned up and living right and then love them. Not love the ones who are like you. Love your neighbor. And that includes the judgemental. That includes the poor, the uneducated. That includes the addict, the homosexual and the drunk. That includes the person that you think you have a right to hate, (and by the worlds standards, maybe you do). And it includes the church. Some of the worst offenders of all. We get it, but don't always do it. At least I don't.

This is a recurring theme on my blog, love your neighbor. God loves us because he chooses too, and commands us to love him and to love others. But Sunday at church I had a moment. (Well, I had two, but I'm only going to share one right now, this is wordy enough already).

A lady came in with 4 special adults. (By special, I mean it in the politically correct way to say handicapped). They were so precious. The lady with downs syndrome who was so quiet and shy. The lady with the fancy lacy white dress and yellow lace veil. The old man that was so small I could've picked him up. The other man that the leader told to count five seats and sat down. He counted 4 and sat down, then looked at them and said 5!!! and moved over one more seat. I watched them sway with the music. I watched them wave their arms and clap their hands. And I thought as we sang "child of weakness, watch and pray, find in me thine all in all". That in a lot of ways I am weaker than they are. They don't even know enough to be as bad as I am. With all I've been given, which is much, so much more than I deserve, I do so little.

I know that true freedom is finding Jesus as my all in all. And that means, love, love LOVE!

I'm praying for each of these churches that I have been in this year, and the ones that are launching this weekend that I may never attend (well, Steve's already talking about a trip to Fayetteville to check that one out) and knowing that I love the church.

But I also love those who are not yet members, that need to meet Jesus.

Praying a blessed week for everyone.

Conversations with Whitney

2011-09-05T07:26:00.000-05:00

I tell you all the funny things she says, but here is a new one for you.

When Steve picks her and her friends up, she always sits in the front. (You might think that goes without saying, but Madeline and Denae will sit in the front with me and make Whitney sit in the back.)

Whitney likes to get her dad to turn around real suddenly and scream at the girls. Just some random yell. Scares the pee out of them everytime. Or if they are asleep in the back seat, she will ask him to take a corner fast or slam on the brakes.

My evil daughter and her dad.

The "I'm not training" update

2011-09-04T18:58:00.004-05:00

I got asked the other day how come I never update on my training. Short answer, I'm not training for anything. Long answer...

I was going to train for the 15K Tiger Trot, but it's on Sunday instead of Saturday and I am leading worship that Sunday, if you are home Sunday morning at 10:00 or 11:30 CST, you can check it out here http://gracepointchurch.tv/

and NATE IS COMING HOME.

Also, I have a procedure mid-September that will sideline me for 6 weeks. No running, no weights. I can walk. That's it. I will update you more on that in the future. It's elective, it's not life threatening, but definitely life and health enhancing. So I plan to bounce back quick and run the turkey trot November 19, just because while I've had several reasons to stop running and heal, I've always been able to come back fairly quickly. I have some plans for next year without looking too far ahead, a race in February and one in April.

I ran this weekend. I hadn't run more than two miles at a time for two weeks as I had that weird virus for about five days. But Friday night Steve planned a 50 mile run overnight because high temps Friday and Saturday were 108 ish. I worry about him on these long runs, so I had him call me about 13 miles from home and I went and parked at the Y and Sheila and I ran the last 8 miles home with him. Which was great, except on the way to the Y Whitney texts me and says pick her up from practice at 9:30 or 10:00 (pretty big window of time, but okay). At 8:55 we are 4 miles from home. So I tell Steve and Sheila I'm going on ahead. This is unusual, me running ahead, but he had already run 47 miles at that point.

I'm tearing down the road, (tearing is a relative term) and I'm two blocks from the train tracks and I hear the train whistle. So I speed up even more. Just call me flash. Those yassos have really come in handy. I race the two blocks waiting for the guards to come down, but I get to the tracks and the train is over a block away, so I'm able to get across without waiting. I'm making good time, but I know I'm going to be late. So I get to the bridge where I can get on the walking path or take the ditch.

For those of you not local, the ditch is a flood control system, it's a medium size river when it rains and floods. It runs from the north side of Wichita and dumps all the water on a small town south of Wichita, sorry Mulvane. Right now it's a very large dry ditch. In true Kansas fashion, it's simply called "The Big Ditch". It connects twice with the Arkansas River (which in true Kansas fashion is pronounced the "are CAN sas" river. No lie.)

I hop the fence into the ditch because this cuts about a half mile off my run. I get home with a decent time of 35 minutes for my 3.6 miles, with the street crossings and street lights and traffic, etc. was very acceptable and head to the school. I'm two blocks away when I get the call "mom, you do know to come to the back of the school." So I do where she promptly asks for money to go to McDonalds for breakfast with Crystal and McKinzie. I have no money, but giver her my debit card. This allows me to drive home a different way and check on Steve and Sheila who are walking one block from home. (Dang I made good time.)

I go back to McDonald's to get Whitney and she hops in the car empty handed. I ask where is my debit card? She is yelling as she runs back towards the door "I threw it away!" We dumspter dive and get my debit card and head home and no harm, no foul.

So today I had made plans to run with Sheila. I had my running clothes on. It's 84 degrees for a high, but windier than Kansas in the fall...wait. Anyway, I tell her I'm going to wait till Monday because it's too windy. But then an hour later I think of the cake I ate (notice I said cake, not piece of cake) so I cinch up my shoes. Steve needs a recovery run so we go for a three mile run. And let me say, it was too windy. But I had a good, hard run with Steve and I enjoyed the trail and being in nature.

That is my "I'm not training" update. 10.5 miles this weekend for no reason other than I love to run. Or because I love cake. Or because I love both???

Do you ever?

2011-09-02T12:04:00.001-05:00

Hear a cell phone ring that makes you want to dance?

See a child enjoying themself and it makes you smile?

Cry because you hurt for someone else?

Do something nice for someone that NO ONE will ever know it was you?

Stay up at night and pray for someone you love?

Laugh too much?

Make a new lifetime friend based on a single common experience?

Wish for something like you did when you were 4? Eyes closed, fists clenched, knowing if you believe enough it will happen?

Celebrate and share someone else's good news?

Sing at the top of your lungs? Off key?

Do something extravagant for yourself? Even if it's just a $4.00 latte?

Get dirty with your kids?

Create something new, a craft, a new meal, a new dessert?

Fear failing so much that you won't step out and try something?

Thank God that you are you? You the way he made you? With all your faults (that you are trying to overcome) with all your idiosynchrosies that no one else fully understands? With all your weaknesses that make you want to ostrich yourself?

That's where I am today. Thinking of all the wonderful wacky painful things that life has handed me and what to do with them. This has been a year I will never fully recover from. I've accepted that. I know now, for the first time ever that God really will never let me down. I will not ever get everything I want. Things will not go my way. But...

I WILL GET EVERYTHING HE WANTS FOR ME. THINGS WILL GO HIS WAY.

His way really is better. And that makes me smile....

Isaiah 55:8-12
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

So is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;

Conversations with Whitney

2011-09-02T08:01:00.000-05:00

Can you take a third one?

What makes me smile...part 3

Volleyball and school is wearing this child out. 7:00 Wednesday evening. This is what I had watching television with me.

What makes me smile...part 2

2011-09-01T07:54:00.000-05:00

I found this picture today. This is Nate at graduation with Chad, Sam and Dylan. I'm sharing it because Nate and Sam are the two in the middle, and Sam is Nate's roommate in Lawrence. And it really did make me smile.

What makes me smile...

2011-08-31T08:40:00.001-05:00

This child. I'm going to share a weeks worth of Whitney. (Or 4 days).

Rough day

2011-08-30T11:56:00.006-05:00

Everyone else's lunch smells better than mine. That could be because I have a can of split pea soup...

Tore my favorite dress on the seat belt getting out of the car.

Just got told I have to work overtime for the next week. Gonna try and get out of it. Wish me luck.

Heavy heart and lots of prayers for Nate. It's hard not being around him, I can tell when things aren't right, but he's too far away and I can't fix things. (If you have a minute you could pray for him, I'd appreciate it.)

I stayed in bed 15 minutes too long. I'm sporting what I call my "wind tunnel look". I dried my hair under the ceiling fan in front of the box fan with the blow dryer. Then I look in the mirror and determine whether a flat iron, curling iron or banana clip and hair pins is the best option.

And it's only 12:00...certainly enough time for the day to turn around.

Hey!!! I have split pea soup for lunch! AND DIET COKE!!!

My dress has embroidery on it, maybe I can repair it and no one will know?

I may have to work overtime, but I still get the whole long weekend off.

Nate says he's doing good and he likes it and things are going okay. Maybe my mom intuition is off??? Maybe??? Just maybe???

First volleyball game is tonight.

I'm getting Subway for Steve and I on the way to the game, so I'll enjoy that meal. Along with another Diet Coke. (Oh how sad the things I look forward to).

Temperatures are cooler.

Three new audio books from the library, at least I'll have something to listen to while I work 9-10 hours a day.

Try and change my perspective.

In My Corner

2011-08-28T14:15:00.009-05:00

Volleyball season started with a scrimmage game at Falcon Frenzy and introductions of all fall sports teams and players. First game is Tuesday.
She is actually passing the ball to Laura here, but you can't see her behind Makenzie. (OH!!! AND SHE MADE THE VARSITY SQUAD!!!)

Shes the little one with the yellow headband and pink and peroxide blonde stripes in the back of her hair. I told her no when she wanted to shave one side, this seemed the best compromise.

I baked on Saturday to send goodies to my college student. I miss him so much. Peanut butter kiss cookies and chocolate cake balls. They are both excellent, if I may say so myself. Good thing the box I sent was big so I didn't have to eat more. They aren't works of art, just delicious.

The baggie of cake balls next to the plate is for Denae, as she NEEDS cakeballs.

Double date night with Jake and Carrie. Always a good time. (Picture is pirated without permission from facebook.)

Steve took me out to dinner and then to see Bruce's band "GetBad". Got to see Stacy for a little bit too. (Also pirated without permission from facebook.)

Steve played softball Saturday night. I have a really bad picture from a long way out, but I can't get it to upload and didn't want to wait for it. In searching for his glove, I went through three bags of Nate's baseball stuff. Found a complete set of catcher's gear, two catcher's gloves, 6 pairs of metal cleats, two other baseball gloves, 8 pairs of batting gloves, 3 pairs of wrist sweat bands, 18 baseballs (not counting the bucket left in his room), and one half drunk bottle of gatorade. Not sure how old it is. Oh, and a pound of red dirt that is now all over my back porch.

I had some weird virus that made me feel like I was motion sick for three days. Dizzy, nausea, it was not fun. But I feel better now, and I'm looking forward to a good week.

I'm praying blessings for all who visit my blog this week!

El Roi - The God Who Sees

2011-08-24T07:19:00.001-05:00

Why did I believe her?

Why did I think that she would do what she said she would?

Why did I think she would do anything that was good for me, even though it didn't matter to her? Would cost her little more then ten minutes? Wouldn't hurt her and would mean the world to me?

Why do I believe the good in people even when I've never seen any?

How am I here, in this place where I feel I can't get ahead, my life is in turmoil, and hers looks so good? She has cost me so much and I'm so battered and she isn't.

Why do I keep trying to do the right thing, even though my heart and mind don't want to and it doesn't seem to make a difference?

How do I continue to care when I know it doesn't mean anything to anyone?

WHAT ABOUT ME?? Doesn't anyone see me? Doesn't anyone care? Does anyone know how hard I try? How bad I hurt? How much I ache?

Even as early as the book of Genesis, women felt this way, her name was Hagar. (Read her story in Genesis chapters 16-21). She gave God the name El Roi, the God who sees.

Genesis 16:13 [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: You are the God who sees me.

He sees me.

I Peter 5:7 …casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.

Not only does He see me, He cares for me.

John 3:16 for God so loved the world...

Not only does He see me and care for me, He loves me.

And you too. Whatever your struggle today, He sees you. He cares for you. He loves you.

Hagar in the desert Painting by Pompeo Girolamo Batoni

Psalm 23

2011-08-23T07:45:00.000-05:00

1 The LORD is my shepherd; I have everything I need. And more.

2 He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. Metaphor, but I do have rest and peace.

3 He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. The trick is following his guide and staying on the right path and bringing honor to his name. But I try, I want to.

4 Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. I certainly have times where I have to remember not to be afraid because he is with me. And I've experienced his protection and comfort. Goes hand in hand with the rest and peace from verse two.

5 You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You welcome me as a guest, anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. I am blessed. I have a wonderful life. I love my life.

6 Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the LORD forever. I hold on to this. Unfailing love that PURSUES me all the days of my life. ALL THE DAYS. UNFAILING LOVE.

Been quoting this to myself today. Kind of singing it to myself more than quoting, but it really is comforting.

Have a blessed week everyone!

Ah haaa

2011-08-21T13:52:00.002-05:00

I (think) know what I believe. I (think) know the principles I stand on. Until I realize that somewhere between what I believe and what I know is my actions. And they don't (always) match up.

That happened to me this week. I was asked a question. What 3 things do you know now you wish you'd known back in the day. I answered after thinking. Because my answers are things I should've always known with my background, but haven't always been things I believe in strongly and know to the center of my soul.

My answers were
1. Jesus never fails.
2. God loves me because he chooses to. (I wrestled with how God could love me for a long time, realizing this and accepting this was a big deal for this bad girl).
3. Everyone is special and valuable as a creation of Christ.

The third one is the one that was my Ah haaa moment this week. I treated someone like they weren't worth my time. I talked to someone else like I didn't think they were good enough. I looked at someone and felt sorry for them for something they couldn't help. OUCH. I didn't feel very good about myself.

Because I do believe God created each one of us uniquely and specially. And I believe we are all created imperfect, but that God is doing a work in us and we will be complete in him on the day we see him. (I'm pretty excited about that)! And I believe we are all supposed to strive to live better on earth every moment of every day. Try to be more like Jesus.

So there are a couple of people I need to look for the good in, even if all I can see is that God created them. I need to treat everyone I come in contact with the value they deserve as a creation of Christ. I need to realize that my time is not more important than how someone else feels when I walk away after contact with them. And feeling sorry for someone for something they can't help? God gave them that. It is there's to overcome and use for his glory.

One worship song this morning Steve sang had the lyrics "You make all things work together for my good". I have hated this verse for the past several months. There are somethings that have no good in them. There are some things I don't want to recognize good in. There are some things I don't ever want to hear someone say, "God used that in you." Because I don't want there to be any good in it. But this morning as I DIDN'T sing those lyrics, because I kind of don't sing worship lyrics I don't mean, I thought about the scripture passage this comes from, Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I can't say I love God and not believe this. I want to believe I've been called to some purpose for him.

And I sang those lyrics with a few tears, because I was letting go of something I didn't really want to. With letting go of it I am giving up and letting God work this for my good. Even though I don't really think I want it, and inside I'm screaming "why am I not good enough yet?" I really know the answer to that.

Philippians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

He began a good work in me a long time ago, (maybe because he knew he would need a lot more years to complete it in me) and he will work ALL THINGS for my good until the day of completion.

One more step forward. Holy or broken? A lot of both. But maybe my heart can be more whole after it's been put together by Jesus. He continues to put my heart back together and bring healing to me.