Does that make me crazy?

Someone in my house kindly did my dishes. I'm very grateful.

But as I unloaded it I rinsed some of them and put them back in the dish washer.

good day

You ever just have a good day?

I did today. My supplier that had been trying for 3 weeks to get me a good part finally did. This part, a little door latch, actually made me cry a few times. But by Friday I'm all caught up.

I got a raise. A good one. With a promotion.

And I'm able to work out full stream again. Got some catching up to do but will get it.

Be careful what you look for

The Internet makes it so much easier to see what people you used to know are up to.

I don't look up old boyfriends, don't care.

I have looked for high school teachers.

I'm actually face book friends with the girl I was meanest to in high school. And honestly I care about her life and love seeing pictures of her boys.

The other day I looked at pictures of a girl I don't care much for. Apparently she's got good stuff going on in her life. I'd like to be big enough to be happy for her, but not yet. (It took me 20 years after high school, I will get there). And I saw a picture that she looked good in. That pains me to admit.

So be careful what you look for, you may not like what you see. Lol.

Does that make me crazy?

I stood in the aisle at the store holding the most awesomely beautiful chocolate brown swimsuit.

Favorite designer, Betsey Johnson.

Perfect size.

On clearance from $154.00 to $23.00.

And had a mild anxiety attack about whether to buy it for my 17 year old daughter.

conversations with Whitney

Her wallet, my wallet.



Apple not far from the tree.

does that make me crazy?

I hate this saying. For a lot of reasons.

It teaches that skinny is better regardless of health.

It promotes poor self image in women genetically predispositioned for imperfection.

And today, I would argue that the pumpkin pie Priscilla brought in tastes better than skinny.

And the hot dog and onion rings Mark is eating probably taste better than my peach, cherry tomatoes and mushrooms, celery and diet coke.

Shame

If you were raised anything like me, in the ultra conservative fundamental Baptist (insert other denominations) way, you know shame. You know guilt. You were taught how to feel it. You were "shamed" on purpose.

I think it's a necessary feeling, really, but it's not one we should carry. I think we should from time to time be ashamed of our actions and feel guilt for those we hurt. But we shouldn't carry it with us.

Unfortunatly for me, shame and guilt run deep. Tentacles wrap around me and squeeze so tight sometimes I can't breathe.

Shame for my behavior is one thing. I know what to do with it. Jesus covered it with his blood. I just need to invite him in to my dark moments and give it to him and then NEVER TAKE IT BACK.

The one that is hard for me is feeling shame over other people's behavior. When I feel shame for my kids or guilt over their behavior. I take it and twist their behavior and try to make it my fault. I say "what did I do that caused you to step over that line?" "What didn't I do for you that left that hole in your life that you've tried to fill with something immoral, illegal, illogical unhealthy?"

When I see Steve and think "if I'd been a better wife that wouldn't have happened" or even, "if I'd been a better wife he would've had success in this area".

There is a difference in feeling shame and feeling convicted of sin.

John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman who felt shame. I talked once long ago about the character in the Bible I most relate to and it was the woman who was caught in adultery and taken to Jesus. This story has been close to me for all of my adult life because of this. God forgives the most heinous acts of sin and rebellion. He forgave me. Not just the public acts, the despicable ones, the things people look down on me for, but the hidden ones that know one else sees. He forgives. Everything. Always. For anyone who asks.

So my guilt and shame? It's mine. And I only feel it because I choose to hold onto it. There is release. There is relief. Their is forgiveness.

Where does the time go?

Whitney turned 17 years old yesterday. Got her drivers license. Starts her senior year of college. But that's not what I'm talking about.

I didn't blog at all last week. How did that happen?

The only thing I can guess is that work is stupid busy. And I'm pretty shocked at how tired I've been with the knee surgery. I've gone back to working out, the first week I just did core and my physical therapy exercises, the second week (last week) since I'm 80% strength and mobility, I think I'm pretty tough. Turns out no surprise there, I'm never as tough as I think I am. Or I am as tough as I think I am at the moment, but then I pay for it.

Wednesday Marquis had all the college kids he's been training working out with us too, as well as Whitney and Mark (cross country high school junior). 400 meter dashes on the track. I ran the 400 meter dashes distance, but there was no dashing involved. Everyone else though, they moved right along. I did of them, for a total mile. Felt pretty good while I was running and for the rest of the workout. Then came Thursday. My knee hurt, my legs hurt, and I was tired.

Friday was better, so I went and worked out, but limited it quite a bit.

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days. I'm doing extremely good, but I expect I should be well and I'm not. I'm pretty impatient.

So I have decided to train and run the 10 mile turkey trot. Start out really low mileage and take care of myself while I do this.

Now what do I do with my baby turning 17 and starting her senior year of high school?

Here's the going away dinner for the college athletes. Emily left yesterday. Not sure about the boys.

I'd take your pain

I had my follow up appointment for my knee.

Neither Steve not I talked to the doctor after my surgery. So I was thinking I had a flap tear cut off the outside my knee. My knee has hurt on the outside, inside, top of the knee and behind. I assumed it was the trauma of the surgery. Physical therapist told me it was weak muscles. I knew it wasn't that.

Today I get pictures and find out that there was the flap tear on the outside cut off. And one on the inside cut off. Also had fraying of the cartilage that was shaved off the top of the kneecap, behind the knee and also on the inside.

I already have better than 80% strength and mobility back.

While it didn't take away pain, knowing the pain should be there made me feel better.

And then Steve told me he wished it was him instead of me. Wishing he could take my pain. That made me feel better too.

Does that make me crazy?

Yes, this does.

I have a calorie counter app on my phablet. I don't use it as much as I should, but when I update it and it asks if I want to post my weight to facebook, SERIOUSLY????

I can't believe that's a question, let alone an option.