Shame

If you were raised anything like me, in the ultra conservative fundamental Baptist (insert other denominations) way, you know shame. You know guilt. You were taught how to feel it. You were "shamed" on purpose.

I think it's a necessary feeling, really, but it's not one we should carry. I think we should from time to time be ashamed of our actions and feel guilt for those we hurt. But we shouldn't carry it with us.

Unfortunatly for me, shame and guilt run deep. Tentacles wrap around me and squeeze so tight sometimes I can't breathe.

Shame for my behavior is one thing. I know what to do with it. Jesus covered it with his blood. I just need to invite him in to my dark moments and give it to him and then NEVER TAKE IT BACK.

The one that is hard for me is feeling shame over other people's behavior. When I feel shame for my kids or guilt over their behavior. I take it and twist their behavior and try to make it my fault. I say "what did I do that caused you to step over that line?" "What didn't I do for you that left that hole in your life that you've tried to fill with something immoral, illegal, illogical unhealthy?"

When I see Steve and think "if I'd been a better wife that wouldn't have happened" or even, "if I'd been a better wife he would've had success in this area".

There is a difference in feeling shame and feeling convicted of sin.

John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman who felt shame. I talked once long ago about the character in the Bible I most relate to and it was the woman who was caught in adultery and taken to Jesus. This story has been close to me for all of my adult life because of this. God forgives the most heinous acts of sin and rebellion. He forgave me. Not just the public acts, the despicable ones, the things people look down on me for, but the hidden ones that know one else sees. He forgives. Everything. Always. For anyone who asks.

So my guilt and shame? It's mine. And I only feel it because I choose to hold onto it. There is release. There is relief. Their is forgiveness.