18 weeks away. I realized yesterday my feet don't hurt anymore since the marathon.
3 training sessions with Marquis. Such hard workouts, two of them i negatively impacted other workout as women stopped to watch and cheer for me. Gotta tell you I loved that. Couple of sore muscles. Alright, more like all of them.
Looking forward to a full week of running. Fallback week of four 4 mile runs and 1 eight mile run.
I love getting into a new training plan/regimen.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
jesus loves me
i’ve been feeling unloved. in the one area i should never doubt. jesus. i’ve been kind of needy in our relationship. worse than usual. i’m doing more talking then listening. always a recipe for disaster.
here’s the readers digest version. i went on a week long pity party. part of it was the post marathon - no training, physically tired, mentally exhausted feeling. throw in steve feeling better after surgery finally and whitney settling into school. i always fall apart after the hard stuff is done. part of it was a series of unfortunate events (still have all these books, anyone interested?) that just kept me spiraling down. steve knew i was cranky, i didn’t share why. just kept it to myself, let it fester. enjoyed being miserable.
the end of the week did me in. friday night at the football game i got an upsetting phone call. i finally told steve what was really bothering me and once i had told him a surprising thing happened. i started feeling better. on the way home from the football game i prayed, pretty much told god i knew he was god, he could do what he said he could, and would do what he wanted, and that was best. and this is what i wanted and i believed he would do it.
saturday was better. we came home from whitney’s volleyball tournament, i opened the mail, big 8.5 x 11 envelope addressed to me and the contents? exactly what i had told god i wanted. it’s important to stress it was a want. i don’t pray “wants” very often. but this was like a gift wrapped package with a note card from god that said “yes, i love you”.
not sure if i can say this right, but god answering the prayer did more for me than getting what i wanted.
it doesn’t always work that way. it’s not a slot machine type of deal. lots of my prayers go unanswered or get a big fat no. this was just one of those special moments. i remember every time this has happened. here’s one of my favorites.
one saturday 10 (ish) years ago i had prayed in one of my needy times that i knew jesus loves me, but could he just somehow show it? i needed it to feel real. whitney was sitting with me in church the next day, sunday morning. being very good and drawing. she handed me a folded up note
couldn’t get more plain than that.
i read a passage in john, chapter 15.
“as the father has loved me, so have I loved you”. perfect love. unshakeable, unbreakable, unwavering, unending, unearned.
“abide in my love”. stay in it. never leave it.
“you did not choose me but i chose you”. he chose me. he wants me. he loves me.
“go and bear fruit that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name he may give it to you”. not sure exactly how to get this right to bear fruit and have my fruit abide so that whatever i ask…i’m sure my week of cranky followed by my surrender is a step in that direction.
wherever this finds you today, i pray that you feel the love of god in your life. these verses were written just for me, but they were also written just for you.
here’s the readers digest version. i went on a week long pity party. part of it was the post marathon - no training, physically tired, mentally exhausted feeling. throw in steve feeling better after surgery finally and whitney settling into school. i always fall apart after the hard stuff is done. part of it was a series of unfortunate events (still have all these books, anyone interested?) that just kept me spiraling down. steve knew i was cranky, i didn’t share why. just kept it to myself, let it fester. enjoyed being miserable.
the end of the week did me in. friday night at the football game i got an upsetting phone call. i finally told steve what was really bothering me and once i had told him a surprising thing happened. i started feeling better. on the way home from the football game i prayed, pretty much told god i knew he was god, he could do what he said he could, and would do what he wanted, and that was best. and this is what i wanted and i believed he would do it.
saturday was better. we came home from whitney’s volleyball tournament, i opened the mail, big 8.5 x 11 envelope addressed to me and the contents? exactly what i had told god i wanted. it’s important to stress it was a want. i don’t pray “wants” very often. but this was like a gift wrapped package with a note card from god that said “yes, i love you”.
not sure if i can say this right, but god answering the prayer did more for me than getting what i wanted.
it doesn’t always work that way. it’s not a slot machine type of deal. lots of my prayers go unanswered or get a big fat no. this was just one of those special moments. i remember every time this has happened. here’s one of my favorites.
one saturday 10 (ish) years ago i had prayed in one of my needy times that i knew jesus loves me, but could he just somehow show it? i needed it to feel real. whitney was sitting with me in church the next day, sunday morning. being very good and drawing. she handed me a folded up note
couldn’t get more plain than that.
i read a passage in john, chapter 15.
“as the father has loved me, so have I loved you”. perfect love. unshakeable, unbreakable, unwavering, unending, unearned.
“abide in my love”. stay in it. never leave it.
“you did not choose me but i chose you”. he chose me. he wants me. he loves me.
“go and bear fruit that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name he may give it to you”. not sure exactly how to get this right to bear fruit and have my fruit abide so that whatever i ask…i’m sure my week of cranky followed by my surrender is a step in that direction.
wherever this finds you today, i pray that you feel the love of god in your life. these verses were written just for me, but they were also written just for you.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
does that make me crazy?
my toe hurt after the marathon. for a week i wandered if i had a neuroma but the pain wasn’t right for that. (steve is an expert). I thought maybe one of the bones might be cracked, but it wasn’t that painful, i’ve had stress fractures. i could run and it was only a moderate annoyance. but doing pushups and planks was excruciating.
i looked at my foot carefully and had an infected splinter in the tip of my toe. it was red and inflamed and sore to the touch.
steve dug it out with a needle and tweezers and no more pain.
mountains out of molehills. (or stress fractures out of splinters…)
i looked at my foot carefully and had an infected splinter in the tip of my toe. it was red and inflamed and sore to the touch.
steve dug it out with a needle and tweezers and no more pain.
mountains out of molehills. (or stress fractures out of splinters…)
Monday, September 24, 2012
funnest race ever
just a few pics from the shrnrm3.87. it's an annual event, if you are a local, you might want to check it out next september. i had a great time.
some people look really cool when they jump, i look like i'm going to attack hannah.
last place got the tunnel, made me feel like a star
and steve won a (recycled) award for the "happiest volunteer".
some people look really cool when they jump, i look like i'm going to attack hannah.
last place got the tunnel, made me feel like a star
and steve won a (recycled) award for the "happiest volunteer".
Sunday, September 23, 2012
shrnr3.87 memorial run
tonight i ran my 6th race of the year. 2 marathons, 1 22 mile, 1 half marathon, 1 5k and 1 3.87 mile run. it was a benefit for the leukemia and lymphona society put on by one of steve's ultra running friends, his first ultra running friend, scott. he is a team in training coach and is just all around awesome.
i showed up with the other 40 or so runners, it was very low key, no bibs, no official times, no winners...
these are all runners. no one is there to run their first 5k or marathon. and a comfortable pace for them is way in front of me. i stayed with the second half of the pack for the first mile and then i watched them pull away from me. i slowed down, they didn't speed up. this was the point when i realized that at their pace i would be out of gas at about 3 miles and the last .87 would be difficult.
i putt putted along enjoying the beautiful evening, watching that last runner in the white tee shirt get further and further ahead and when i turned the last corner to head to the finish line i started to pick my pace back up. i was running to 1515 north rock road and when i got to 1945 north rock road i figured i could go pretty much all out for the last 4 blocks. i was making good time, feeling good and i see a greent tee shirt heading my way.
memorial man himself scott came out to run the last block with me. he is running the two races steve had to roll his registrationst to next year for, next weekend and three weeks later. i finished, we went to scott's house for dinner and to hang out with other runners for an hour.
awards were hilarious. finishers medals were donated from all the races in wichita previous that were left overs. i now have a 2008 marathon medal for a race i didn't run. they gave a canine award to rowdy the border collie, best jump award for one of the picture areas, and second place finish awards because no one wins first place.
i told steve on the way home last place isn't fun. it's kind of demoralizing. the finish chute i got to run through with everyone making a tunnel for me and cheering was cool, but it was for last place. but we talked about how if i stress out about getting faster and making it about beating the clock, beating my past times and beating others i will take the fun out of it. i'm working with marquis again, at least while his future is undecided. i want to be stronger and faster. but it's not going to consume me.
i will work to get stronger and faster, but will make sure i continue to enjoy the sport of running.
because it is fun. like this. kinesiology tape to match the running skirt.
i will ramp up training for my ultra over the next couple weeks. once i hit running 20 miles for my long runs, i run two weeks long with a third week fall back. i get up to two 28 mile training runs with 16 mile runs on the sunday following by the end of training.
i need the weights and the cross fit training to build strength as well.
i could also lose a few pounds to get to "racing weight" and that would help. we'll see how it goes. i'm nervous, excited, and a little tired thinking about it. first week back after the marathon and week off was rough. weights were hard, running was hard, cross fit with marquis was hard...
but if it was easy everyone would do it.
i showed up with the other 40 or so runners, it was very low key, no bibs, no official times, no winners...
these are all runners. no one is there to run their first 5k or marathon. and a comfortable pace for them is way in front of me. i stayed with the second half of the pack for the first mile and then i watched them pull away from me. i slowed down, they didn't speed up. this was the point when i realized that at their pace i would be out of gas at about 3 miles and the last .87 would be difficult.
i putt putted along enjoying the beautiful evening, watching that last runner in the white tee shirt get further and further ahead and when i turned the last corner to head to the finish line i started to pick my pace back up. i was running to 1515 north rock road and when i got to 1945 north rock road i figured i could go pretty much all out for the last 4 blocks. i was making good time, feeling good and i see a greent tee shirt heading my way.
memorial man himself scott came out to run the last block with me. he is running the two races steve had to roll his registrationst to next year for, next weekend and three weeks later. i finished, we went to scott's house for dinner and to hang out with other runners for an hour.
awards were hilarious. finishers medals were donated from all the races in wichita previous that were left overs. i now have a 2008 marathon medal for a race i didn't run. they gave a canine award to rowdy the border collie, best jump award for one of the picture areas, and second place finish awards because no one wins first place.
i told steve on the way home last place isn't fun. it's kind of demoralizing. the finish chute i got to run through with everyone making a tunnel for me and cheering was cool, but it was for last place. but we talked about how if i stress out about getting faster and making it about beating the clock, beating my past times and beating others i will take the fun out of it. i'm working with marquis again, at least while his future is undecided. i want to be stronger and faster. but it's not going to consume me.
i will work to get stronger and faster, but will make sure i continue to enjoy the sport of running.
because it is fun. like this. kinesiology tape to match the running skirt.
i will ramp up training for my ultra over the next couple weeks. once i hit running 20 miles for my long runs, i run two weeks long with a third week fall back. i get up to two 28 mile training runs with 16 mile runs on the sunday following by the end of training.
i need the weights and the cross fit training to build strength as well.
i could also lose a few pounds to get to "racing weight" and that would help. we'll see how it goes. i'm nervous, excited, and a little tired thinking about it. first week back after the marathon and week off was rough. weights were hard, running was hard, cross fit with marquis was hard...
but if it was easy everyone would do it.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
does that make me crazy?
i take salad for lunch 4 out of 5 days a week at work. healthy stuff. breakfast bar. fruit. yogurt.
but the other day of the week?
but the other day of the week?
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
too much???
this week i enjoyed reading blog posts on the topic of social media and sharing too much. am i guilty of this? should i keep more to myself? share more?
i have pulled way back in the last year. i’m faithful to my blog, but that’s about it. and you know, it’s mostly about running…
i protect my children. i protect my husband. i’m pretty open about me, but it’s my life. i don’t share things that would embarrass or hurt my kids. i try to do the same with steve, and if he’s told me certain subjects not to talk about, i don’t.
i have some thoughts on the subject of social media, but I won’t link back to one of my favorite blogs to participate in posts about social media, even though it’s set up for that, because then other people who don’t already read me might find me and i write for us. always willing to welcome new people, but i don’t go out to drag them here. they have to find me.
i was most interested in the posts about comparison. comparing yourself to others via what you see on social media. it can really make you feel like everyone has it together but you. or the opposite, you can feel pretty good because some people are a real train wreck and willing to share way too much.
i had a day last week where i logged onto facebook and in direct response to everything i saw wanted to post this as my status
“i did not work out today. i fixed frozen lasagna and bagged breadsticks (which i burned) for dinner. i forgot to buy 12 things at the store. it’s 11:30 p.m. and the 3 dozen brownies i’m supposed to take for the volleyball tournament fund raiser tomorrow are just coming out of the oven. there are no clean towels for showers.”
yep, the “i made 14 pints of jelly from berries i picked in my own backyard”? can’t compete. everyday workouts at 4:45 a.m.? not this girl. cornbread from scratch? why??? the jiffy mix is $.50 and with enough butter or dunked in chili you can't hardly tell the difference.
and pinterest - i have a pinterest account. primarily so I can read (stalk) the funny posters that cate pins. and her sister brenda. seriously follow both of them just for that. i can’t handle the perfect houses, the crafts that always turn out right, the recipes that require more than 5 items. i do use the occasional recipe, and lots of workout/running stuff, although every picture from every workout i’ve seen has been fitness models, no real women and can't compare to that. i actually most like pinterest to let my wonderful, creative, exciting, fascinating friends do all the homework for me when it comes to recipes and patterns and humor…thank you all very much.
Twitter – i’m just not clever enough. or exciting enough. it’s too fast paced for me. can’t keep up.
facebook – last weekend i ran a marathon. i shared one beautiful picture with the marathon's page and nothing else. but all the pictures from the fotog were posted. and he’s great. and the pictures of me were unflattering. i loved the ones from the glow run, remember i shared those? pink skirt, black shirt, i thought i looked good.
but i didn’t look good in these marathon pics. awkward angles, least flattering but most comfortable running clothes i own. sports bras are unflattering, and then i strapped a camelback on that didn’t help me look better. i ran for hours (and hours), i was sick, it was all uphill or downhill which made me hold myself at odd angles, the capris and gators made my legs look short and my calves look huge…get the idea? but i didn’t untag myself. on purpose. because when i only post the pretty pictures, i feel dishonest. when i only talk about how well i did, it’s a lie.
i love social media. staying in contact with long distance friends and seeing pictures. tracking my friends when they are running races to see how they are doing and how they finish. i love to read blogs. amateur writers have some of the best stuff to say.
social media is like anything else in life. it should have boundaries. i don’t have a set of boundaries, but i try to be aware and cautious. there are things that i should keep more private and areas where i only paint myself in a good light. but a lesson was learned for me earlier this month when i came across a file folder where i had printed some very upsetting blog posts and emails that had been sent to me. they had been taken down/deleted, but i still had the paper copies. what you say one time in the virtual world is out there forever.
that's what i think about most. whether it lives in someones mind or on paper or just on line, it's out there.
here are my unflattering pictures.
they are on facebook, not from me, and the hawk 100 website so i guess a third place isn't a big deal, right?
i have pulled way back in the last year. i’m faithful to my blog, but that’s about it. and you know, it’s mostly about running…
i protect my children. i protect my husband. i’m pretty open about me, but it’s my life. i don’t share things that would embarrass or hurt my kids. i try to do the same with steve, and if he’s told me certain subjects not to talk about, i don’t.
i have some thoughts on the subject of social media, but I won’t link back to one of my favorite blogs to participate in posts about social media, even though it’s set up for that, because then other people who don’t already read me might find me and i write for us. always willing to welcome new people, but i don’t go out to drag them here. they have to find me.
i was most interested in the posts about comparison. comparing yourself to others via what you see on social media. it can really make you feel like everyone has it together but you. or the opposite, you can feel pretty good because some people are a real train wreck and willing to share way too much.
i had a day last week where i logged onto facebook and in direct response to everything i saw wanted to post this as my status
“i did not work out today. i fixed frozen lasagna and bagged breadsticks (which i burned) for dinner. i forgot to buy 12 things at the store. it’s 11:30 p.m. and the 3 dozen brownies i’m supposed to take for the volleyball tournament fund raiser tomorrow are just coming out of the oven. there are no clean towels for showers.”
yep, the “i made 14 pints of jelly from berries i picked in my own backyard”? can’t compete. everyday workouts at 4:45 a.m.? not this girl. cornbread from scratch? why??? the jiffy mix is $.50 and with enough butter or dunked in chili you can't hardly tell the difference.
and pinterest - i have a pinterest account. primarily so I can read (stalk) the funny posters that cate pins. and her sister brenda. seriously follow both of them just for that. i can’t handle the perfect houses, the crafts that always turn out right, the recipes that require more than 5 items. i do use the occasional recipe, and lots of workout/running stuff, although every picture from every workout i’ve seen has been fitness models, no real women and can't compare to that. i actually most like pinterest to let my wonderful, creative, exciting, fascinating friends do all the homework for me when it comes to recipes and patterns and humor…thank you all very much.
Twitter – i’m just not clever enough. or exciting enough. it’s too fast paced for me. can’t keep up.
facebook – last weekend i ran a marathon. i shared one beautiful picture with the marathon's page and nothing else. but all the pictures from the fotog were posted. and he’s great. and the pictures of me were unflattering. i loved the ones from the glow run, remember i shared those? pink skirt, black shirt, i thought i looked good.
but i didn’t look good in these marathon pics. awkward angles, least flattering but most comfortable running clothes i own. sports bras are unflattering, and then i strapped a camelback on that didn’t help me look better. i ran for hours (and hours), i was sick, it was all uphill or downhill which made me hold myself at odd angles, the capris and gators made my legs look short and my calves look huge…get the idea? but i didn’t untag myself. on purpose. because when i only post the pretty pictures, i feel dishonest. when i only talk about how well i did, it’s a lie.
i love social media. staying in contact with long distance friends and seeing pictures. tracking my friends when they are running races to see how they are doing and how they finish. i love to read blogs. amateur writers have some of the best stuff to say.
social media is like anything else in life. it should have boundaries. i don’t have a set of boundaries, but i try to be aware and cautious. there are things that i should keep more private and areas where i only paint myself in a good light. but a lesson was learned for me earlier this month when i came across a file folder where i had printed some very upsetting blog posts and emails that had been sent to me. they had been taken down/deleted, but i still had the paper copies. what you say one time in the virtual world is out there forever.
that's what i think about most. whether it lives in someones mind or on paper or just on line, it's out there.
here are my unflattering pictures.
they are on facebook, not from me, and the hawk 100 website so i guess a third place isn't a big deal, right?
Monday, September 17, 2012
a letter
have you seen these? the letter to the 13 year old me or 16 year old me, etc? they are on blogs everywhere.
if i would write one to myself for anytime period between 13 and 24 it would go something like this:
dear younger me,
straighten up.
sincerely,
older me (who still gets it wrong a lot of times)
so here are some specific things i would write to young women now.
all women, all ages, invest in your friendships. your whole life. you will never be sorry you made time for friends and worked to keep them close and made new friendships at every period of your life.
13 year old girls...18 year old boys are not interested in you
16 year old girls...you are more beautiful then you know
18 year old girls...hold onto every moment, don't try to leave childhood too fast
21-28 year old women...
- have fun. these should feel like the best years of your life. (but please know they really aren't)
- read more, travel more, make friends, grow
- stop giving it away, save it for someone who loves you
- pictures of yourself in bikinis/boobs out of your shirt make you look cheap. guys will think you are.
- you should know better!!! and i'm serious, someday you will wish you hadn't. i know they say you only regret the things you don't do, but don't believe that. you will regret somethings that you do. your whole life. have fun, but MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.
- you are worth more
- you are worth more than the man who puts sports first
- you are worth more than dating a married man
- you are worth more than a booty call
- two dates does not mean he is planning forever with you
- don't pick up men on international vacations...seriously, always a bad idea.
35 year old women...life is just starting to get good, you are not old.
- get somegood better wrinkle cream
40 year old women...find a hobby you love because you are about to have some serious time to do things you want to do.
- best years of your life...
i can't say anything beyond this, because i'm not there yet.
if i would write one to myself for anytime period between 13 and 24 it would go something like this:
dear younger me,
straighten up.
sincerely,
older me (who still gets it wrong a lot of times)
so here are some specific things i would write to young women now.
all women, all ages, invest in your friendships. your whole life. you will never be sorry you made time for friends and worked to keep them close and made new friendships at every period of your life.
13 year old girls...18 year old boys are not interested in you
16 year old girls...you are more beautiful then you know
18 year old girls...hold onto every moment, don't try to leave childhood too fast
21-28 year old women...
- have fun. these should feel like the best years of your life. (but please know they really aren't)
- read more, travel more, make friends, grow
- stop giving it away, save it for someone who loves you
- pictures of yourself in bikinis/boobs out of your shirt make you look cheap. guys will think you are.
- you should know better!!! and i'm serious, someday you will wish you hadn't. i know they say you only regret the things you don't do, but don't believe that. you will regret somethings that you do. your whole life. have fun, but MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.
- you are worth more
- you are worth more than the man who puts sports first
- you are worth more than dating a married man
- you are worth more than a booty call
- two dates does not mean he is planning forever with you
- don't pick up men on international vacations...seriously, always a bad idea.
35 year old women...life is just starting to get good, you are not old.
- get some
40 year old women...find a hobby you love because you are about to have some serious time to do things you want to do.
- best years of your life...
i can't say anything beyond this, because i'm not there yet.
Friday, September 14, 2012
conversations with whitney
whitney: "kelsey and i are going to wear tutu's for the southeast game. it's pinkout night can you make me one?"
cue the internal silent celebration, i've been wanting to make her a tutu for years
me: "sure"
a trip to hancock fabric the next day, $17.00 and two hours, voila
whitney: "kelsey and i really wanted to match and she has a pink tutu, but really likes mine better. can you make one for her too?"
oh, be still my heart. this is like the year i got to make two little bo peep costumes for halloween for her and her second grade friend. (this should really be in the "does that make me crazy file, i'm so jazzed about another trip to hancock's and making another tutu and adding more ribbon bows at whitney's request.)
cue the internal silent celebration, i've been wanting to make her a tutu for years
me: "sure"
a trip to hancock fabric the next day, $17.00 and two hours, voila
whitney: "kelsey and i really wanted to match and she has a pink tutu, but really likes mine better. can you make one for her too?"
oh, be still my heart. this is like the year i got to make two little bo peep costumes for halloween for her and her second grade friend. (this should really be in the "does that make me crazy file, i'm so jazzed about another trip to hancock's and making another tutu and adding more ribbon bows at whitney's request.)
Thursday, September 13, 2012
lessons from the trail 15 - the finish
i'm proud of these. my finisher's medals. i have even run a few that don't give medals. (it doesn't mean i didn't finish).
sometimes you get injured or too sick to finish. it does happen. i'm not knocking people who don't finish a race. i have heard that it's habit forming. quitting when it gets hard. i've also heard it hurts. that a dnf (did not finish) haunts you. there is a saying in the running world, dead last is better than dnf. i've had one dead last (or 11th place). and i prefer dead last to dnf. always.
i realized this week you can buy a race bib and a race tee shirt. you can register get the tee shirt, the race packet and all the swag without a lick of training or stepping to the starting line. and for this race, it was a really cool tech shirt.
but you can't buy the medal. you don't get the medal till you cross the finish line.
i wear my tee shirts, but i didn't earn them. and earned this medal.
my medals are in a drawer in my vanity. i don't wear them, no one sees them. yet they mean more to me than the tee shirts. i know how hard i worked, the training miles, the painful steps, the mental conversations in my head to earn these. i look at these medals and i remember the race and the stories that go with it.
finishing. finishing strong. that's always my goal
the growth physically, mentally and spiritually i've gotten from doing the hard things, from finishing is noticeable.
this was better than the medal at the finish line
2 timothy 4:7 i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith.
i like being a finisher.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
does that make me crazy?
ultra marathon training starts next week. i have a week between the marathon and this training that is unscripted.
i am so excited to start training next week!
i have 5 days of running, with hill and bleacher work
3 days of weights, an hour per day
2 days of cross fit, two different workouts, timed for intensity
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!
i am so excited to start training next week!
i have 5 days of running, with hill and bleacher work
3 days of weights, an hour per day
2 days of cross fit, two different workouts, timed for intensity
I'M SO EXCITED!!!!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
the adventures of wander woman
hawk marathon
i remember i said no excuses, so these are the facts. hard race. hard, hard day.
this course kicked my tail. steve had told me clinton lake was hard trails, and i believed him. but believing and experiencing are two entirely different animals.
i was ready. my stomach had been a little wonky that morning, but i have chronic stomach issues, i'm used to that. i was really tired and fatigued, but i only slept 4 hours so i figured 5 hour energy and gu chomps would wake me up. i'd be fine. pre race picture. i even look a little anxious.
and the first 6.85 miles, i was so confident and feeling good. at 6.85 i get to the first aid station. wait. let me back up.
at 2.5 miles in i got to see this sunrise from the top of saunders mound.
here i am, volunteer took my picture with the lake in the background. beautiful place.
the first 6.85 miles was uneventful, i was scooting along, keeping to a nice safe, but respectable pace. first aid station stopped long enough to fill up my camelback and headed out to ... well, much difficulty.
i didn't get far before i hit the rocks and limbs. i continually stubbed my feet and almost fell, but never actually did. which for me is success in itself. everytime i scrambled to keep my feet under my calves cramped. like fall down, grab them and scream in agony. i didn't, i just grabbed trees and hopped and stretched. but it slowed me down.
coleen had assured me personally that she marked the trail and if i followed the pink flags i would not get lost. i trust coleen, uber super ultra trail runner, so i wasn't too concerned until i hit this in front of me.
this behind me did in fact have the pink ribbon on the trail, so i plowed forward across these rocks.
bonus - this was the view to my left for about half a mile.
my entire focus was not killing myself on this portion of the trail. once i got beyond it i realized some things. my feet hurt. i had some hot spots on my arches from sliding around on the rocks and two toes on each foot hurt (always happens, my two middle toes are longer than my big toe. i'm a freak). this was expected, and i knew i could do 18 miles with these issues. but my metatarsals hurt. and my hip flexors hurt. and my calves were cramping even worse. this was too soon for this to be happening. but, i'm more adventurous and mentally strong than i am smart, so...
i am looking forward to mile 10.5 where i will get to see steve. looking at the garmin i pass 10 miles, 10.5 miles, 10.86 miles, and no aid station. this is mentally exhausting when i'm tired, thirsty, and just need a friendly face. i get there and my garmin shows 11.00 miles, which in trail running you can't count on your garmin to be exact or the measurements to be exact. but the marathon, 50 mile and 100 mile were all on the same 25 mile loop. the marathon did an extra 1.2 mile nature loop to start the race. so my disappointment was greatly reduced by: 1. seeing steve, 2. realizing i was at 11.7 miles and my garmin was behind, 3. a handful of tylenol, ibuprofen and salt pills, 4. and the knowledge that the next 2.5 miles was a grass prairie trail.
i saw steve again at 14 miles and then turned towards the finish line. ran two miles really well, but by this time i was so slow it didn't matter, and then at 16 miles i finally realized i might be sick. again with i'm more mentally tough than i am smart, i wanted the finisher medal. i walked the last 10 miles. well, basically. climbing up hills i managed a 26 minute mile pace. running flats, what few there were, i hit 16 minute mile pace. downhill i could hit a 14 minute mile pace. i will point out that i was working hard for these speeds too. i never took it easy. somedays your body just doesn't have it.
here i am finishing. i could've run, made it look good, but with my 20 minute mile average pace (this includes aid stations, picture and potty stops, lubing my feet stops, talking to chris at the downed tree for 5 minutes, etc, these are the only excuses i will make) i didn't see the point. (this time is for the 50/100 mile finishers, i wasn't THAT slow).
steve told danny that this is what defeat looks like - i was walking, dragging my empty camelback behind me. and i felt defeated.
here i am getting my medal. i earned this one.
i enjoyed the first 8 miles. i had several hours to feel inferior, slow, and just beat down. but the further i get from the race the more i realize that i am glad i finished, no matter how long it took, and didn't quit. i would run this one again.
i did burn 8,000 calories and couldn't make myself eat till after the race, and then it wasn't very much. still not hungry today, so tomorrow and tuesday i will probably eat like a bear.
highlights:
- i didn't get lost
- getting passed by adam as he went on to win first place in the 50 mile race with a blazing 7 hour 40 minute finish. he slowed down, high fived me and said "you look great! you are doing awesome." and was believable. superman's alter ego is not clark kent, it is a very handsome, fit, 20 something young man that lives in the kansas city area named adam dearing. true story.
- steve waiting for me at two aid stations, walking in with me at one, and being at the finish line.
- seeing nate for dinner friday night and him fixing dinner for me (dorito taco, i'd never had one) saturday after the race.
- coming home.
i remember i said no excuses, so these are the facts. hard race. hard, hard day.
this course kicked my tail. steve had told me clinton lake was hard trails, and i believed him. but believing and experiencing are two entirely different animals.
i was ready. my stomach had been a little wonky that morning, but i have chronic stomach issues, i'm used to that. i was really tired and fatigued, but i only slept 4 hours so i figured 5 hour energy and gu chomps would wake me up. i'd be fine. pre race picture. i even look a little anxious.
and the first 6.85 miles, i was so confident and feeling good. at 6.85 i get to the first aid station. wait. let me back up.
at 2.5 miles in i got to see this sunrise from the top of saunders mound.
here i am, volunteer took my picture with the lake in the background. beautiful place.
the first 6.85 miles was uneventful, i was scooting along, keeping to a nice safe, but respectable pace. first aid station stopped long enough to fill up my camelback and headed out to ... well, much difficulty.
i didn't get far before i hit the rocks and limbs. i continually stubbed my feet and almost fell, but never actually did. which for me is success in itself. everytime i scrambled to keep my feet under my calves cramped. like fall down, grab them and scream in agony. i didn't, i just grabbed trees and hopped and stretched. but it slowed me down.
coleen had assured me personally that she marked the trail and if i followed the pink flags i would not get lost. i trust coleen, uber super ultra trail runner, so i wasn't too concerned until i hit this in front of me.
this behind me did in fact have the pink ribbon on the trail, so i plowed forward across these rocks.
bonus - this was the view to my left for about half a mile.
my entire focus was not killing myself on this portion of the trail. once i got beyond it i realized some things. my feet hurt. i had some hot spots on my arches from sliding around on the rocks and two toes on each foot hurt (always happens, my two middle toes are longer than my big toe. i'm a freak). this was expected, and i knew i could do 18 miles with these issues. but my metatarsals hurt. and my hip flexors hurt. and my calves were cramping even worse. this was too soon for this to be happening. but, i'm more adventurous and mentally strong than i am smart, so...
i am looking forward to mile 10.5 where i will get to see steve. looking at the garmin i pass 10 miles, 10.5 miles, 10.86 miles, and no aid station. this is mentally exhausting when i'm tired, thirsty, and just need a friendly face. i get there and my garmin shows 11.00 miles, which in trail running you can't count on your garmin to be exact or the measurements to be exact. but the marathon, 50 mile and 100 mile were all on the same 25 mile loop. the marathon did an extra 1.2 mile nature loop to start the race. so my disappointment was greatly reduced by: 1. seeing steve, 2. realizing i was at 11.7 miles and my garmin was behind, 3. a handful of tylenol, ibuprofen and salt pills, 4. and the knowledge that the next 2.5 miles was a grass prairie trail.
i saw steve again at 14 miles and then turned towards the finish line. ran two miles really well, but by this time i was so slow it didn't matter, and then at 16 miles i finally realized i might be sick. again with i'm more mentally tough than i am smart, i wanted the finisher medal. i walked the last 10 miles. well, basically. climbing up hills i managed a 26 minute mile pace. running flats, what few there were, i hit 16 minute mile pace. downhill i could hit a 14 minute mile pace. i will point out that i was working hard for these speeds too. i never took it easy. somedays your body just doesn't have it.
here i am finishing. i could've run, made it look good, but with my 20 minute mile average pace (this includes aid stations, picture and potty stops, lubing my feet stops, talking to chris at the downed tree for 5 minutes, etc, these are the only excuses i will make) i didn't see the point. (this time is for the 50/100 mile finishers, i wasn't THAT slow).
steve told danny that this is what defeat looks like - i was walking, dragging my empty camelback behind me. and i felt defeated.
here i am getting my medal. i earned this one.
i enjoyed the first 8 miles. i had several hours to feel inferior, slow, and just beat down. but the further i get from the race the more i realize that i am glad i finished, no matter how long it took, and didn't quit. i would run this one again.
i did burn 8,000 calories and couldn't make myself eat till after the race, and then it wasn't very much. still not hungry today, so tomorrow and tuesday i will probably eat like a bear.
highlights:
- i didn't get lost
- getting passed by adam as he went on to win first place in the 50 mile race with a blazing 7 hour 40 minute finish. he slowed down, high fived me and said "you look great! you are doing awesome." and was believable. superman's alter ego is not clark kent, it is a very handsome, fit, 20 something young man that lives in the kansas city area named adam dearing. true story.
- steve waiting for me at two aid stations, walking in with me at one, and being at the finish line.
- seeing nate for dinner friday night and him fixing dinner for me (dorito taco, i'd never had one) saturday after the race.
- coming home.
Friday, September 7, 2012
conversations with madeline
i love this girl...
madel: "j was talking at volleyball that it was karma that she wasn't going to get to start and was just a sub because her pregnant best friends boyfriend was over at her house and she has a big bruise on her neck where he was biting her for the last 12 hours. she's so ratchet. it's not karma she just wanted to tell me that story. like, j? seriously? that's so...."
and then her and whitney discuss women who don't respect other women's relationships. they don't excuse the guys at all, but they have nothing good to say about these girls. they have both seen it happen to their friends and to their moms. it's a little too close to home, sometimes.
i've been both girls. i don't like the way either one of them felt. i'm glad my girls whitney and madel have more respect for themselves then i had at that age. and more respect for other girls and their relationships than i had at that age.
madel: "j was talking at volleyball that it was karma that she wasn't going to get to start and was just a sub because her pregnant best friends boyfriend was over at her house and she has a big bruise on her neck where he was biting her for the last 12 hours. she's so ratchet. it's not karma she just wanted to tell me that story. like, j? seriously? that's so...."
and then her and whitney discuss women who don't respect other women's relationships. they don't excuse the guys at all, but they have nothing good to say about these girls. they have both seen it happen to their friends and to their moms. it's a little too close to home, sometimes.
i've been both girls. i don't like the way either one of them felt. i'm glad my girls whitney and madel have more respect for themselves then i had at that age. and more respect for other girls and their relationships than i had at that age.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
measurements
why do women always feel like they don’t measure up?
i continue to see women unsure of themselves, trying to live up to other’s expectations. i am working hard at not doing this.
i went to heights for locker decoration night for the volleyball team. i have no scrapbook junk anymore so i had to make a trip specifically to buy stuff for a poster board. it needed to be red/white/silver and about volleyball and have whitney’s name and volleyball number on it. not too difficult. armed with my baggie (seriously) of supplies and a glue gun we went and picked up our poster board and i got to work.
i watched women come in with full scrapbook kits. bags of stuff. i was done in 10 minutes and socialized for a while. when whitney and i left an hour later there were women still not done.
whitney’s locker decoration is not a work of art. it was better before she added to it with glitter glue. okay, the glitter glue was cool, but someone touched it before it was dry... but it is hers. it was not lame or dorky or embarrassing. (whitney acts tough, but she cares if her dad and i embarrass her. so we don't).
i listened to the women talk about not being creative and not knowing what to do and apologizing for what they were making. it made me sad. there was no wrong or right way. just a bunch of mom’s showing up to do something special for their daughter. and yet there was insecurity.
then at work this week a lady brought in banana bread and put it on the desk CLOSEST.TO.ME. (that's irrelevant to the story, i just hate that the food desk is now right next to me and not two aisles over where i never see it) and said, just call me “betty dillons”. which was funny. but she did something thoughtful and then poked fun at herself that she didn’t make it from scratch. we didn’t care. we appreciated the bread.
a friend ran her first 5k this week. and when she talked about it, she was proud of herself, but felt the need to say she had to walk a couple times. who freakin’ cares? you ran a 5k. you worked hard for it. be proud of it no matter how long it took and how much you walked.
i did this. i made excuses. but i’ve quit. just do it and be proud of the accomplishment. i much prefer this over the not finishing or making excuses or not having the courage to try.
it’s one thing to go out and run 3 miles. it’s another thing to step to the starting line of a race with other people. your time is going to be published on line. pictures will be taken. people will see you. and even though you may not know them, it can be intimidating, especially the first time or two.
my area of insecurity is different. and I know where it comes from. i’m dealing with it. (it "manifests" itself {anyone else see the move or read the book SPHERE?} in nightmares about snakes and being naked in awful situations. my two recurring themes since childhood) once in a while it raises its evil ugly head and says “you aren’t good enough”, “you aren’t pretty enough”, “you just aren’t enough”. Not enough for your husband. Not enough for your kids.
i’m realizing i don’t have to be enough for anyone else. i’m less defined by other’s opinions of me than i have ever been in my life. still a work in progress.
i have a marathon in two days. the last three weeks with steve’s back going out has changed me training. i also didn’t feel well over a weekend and it rained and volleyball season started… (there’s the excuses for why i didn’t get my last long training run in). i’ve been kind of nervous. i keep telling myself i ran a marathon in april, 25 miles in july, and tons of training miles.
i’m registered, i’m going. and there will be no excuses. if it takes me 5 hours or 8 hours. i’m going to go and run it. and enjoy it. (and secretly be very grateful there is a 50 mile and 100 mile being run on the same course at the same time. i won’t be the last one to finish. i’m okay with being last. it didn’t hurt at all, which wasn't what i expected. I just hate making every one wait for me).
even if it rains friday and the trail is a muddy mess saturday. even if i fall down. even if i see snakes. even if i get a cramp. i'm going to enjoy every step. every minute.
i continue to see women unsure of themselves, trying to live up to other’s expectations. i am working hard at not doing this.
i went to heights for locker decoration night for the volleyball team. i have no scrapbook junk anymore so i had to make a trip specifically to buy stuff for a poster board. it needed to be red/white/silver and about volleyball and have whitney’s name and volleyball number on it. not too difficult. armed with my baggie (seriously) of supplies and a glue gun we went and picked up our poster board and i got to work.
i watched women come in with full scrapbook kits. bags of stuff. i was done in 10 minutes and socialized for a while. when whitney and i left an hour later there were women still not done.
whitney’s locker decoration is not a work of art. it was better before she added to it with glitter glue. okay, the glitter glue was cool, but someone touched it before it was dry... but it is hers. it was not lame or dorky or embarrassing. (whitney acts tough, but she cares if her dad and i embarrass her. so we don't).
i listened to the women talk about not being creative and not knowing what to do and apologizing for what they were making. it made me sad. there was no wrong or right way. just a bunch of mom’s showing up to do something special for their daughter. and yet there was insecurity.
then at work this week a lady brought in banana bread and put it on the desk CLOSEST.TO.ME. (that's irrelevant to the story, i just hate that the food desk is now right next to me and not two aisles over where i never see it) and said, just call me “betty dillons”. which was funny. but she did something thoughtful and then poked fun at herself that she didn’t make it from scratch. we didn’t care. we appreciated the bread.
a friend ran her first 5k this week. and when she talked about it, she was proud of herself, but felt the need to say she had to walk a couple times. who freakin’ cares? you ran a 5k. you worked hard for it. be proud of it no matter how long it took and how much you walked.
i did this. i made excuses. but i’ve quit. just do it and be proud of the accomplishment. i much prefer this over the not finishing or making excuses or not having the courage to try.
it’s one thing to go out and run 3 miles. it’s another thing to step to the starting line of a race with other people. your time is going to be published on line. pictures will be taken. people will see you. and even though you may not know them, it can be intimidating, especially the first time or two.
my area of insecurity is different. and I know where it comes from. i’m dealing with it. (it "manifests" itself {anyone else see the move or read the book SPHERE?} in nightmares about snakes and being naked in awful situations. my two recurring themes since childhood) once in a while it raises its evil ugly head and says “you aren’t good enough”, “you aren’t pretty enough”, “you just aren’t enough”. Not enough for your husband. Not enough for your kids.
i’m realizing i don’t have to be enough for anyone else. i’m less defined by other’s opinions of me than i have ever been in my life. still a work in progress.
i have a marathon in two days. the last three weeks with steve’s back going out has changed me training. i also didn’t feel well over a weekend and it rained and volleyball season started… (there’s the excuses for why i didn’t get my last long training run in). i’ve been kind of nervous. i keep telling myself i ran a marathon in april, 25 miles in july, and tons of training miles.
i’m registered, i’m going. and there will be no excuses. if it takes me 5 hours or 8 hours. i’m going to go and run it. and enjoy it. (and secretly be very grateful there is a 50 mile and 100 mile being run on the same course at the same time. i won’t be the last one to finish. i’m okay with being last. it didn’t hurt at all, which wasn't what i expected. I just hate making every one wait for me).
even if it rains friday and the trail is a muddy mess saturday. even if i fall down. even if i see snakes. even if i get a cramp. i'm going to enjoy every step. every minute.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
i'm not jesus
i used my blog to tell someone off. (two someones) used it to make a point. specific points. she (they) deserved it. but it doesn’t make it right. i didn't say unkind or hateful things. i merely took information/some one else’s opinion and poked holes in it. used scripture and god to make my way right. used it to show my superiority (in my own eyes,of course). show my maturity and wisdom. which is exactly what i didn’t do.
most of you wouldn’t have understood it. might have noticed i was a bit in your face, but not gotten the specifics.
in hindsight would i do it again? most likely. because i didn’t do it on the spur of the moment or even in anger. i proofread what i wrote. i think it needed to be said. but not by me, and not the way i said it.
no matter how much hurt and pain you have caused the people i love (and me, but i'm included in the people i love because i love myself) doesn’t make it okay for me to strike out and hurt you back. no matter how much i want to see you hurt.
but while i am a christian who desperately wants to more like jesus, i am woefully inadequately human.
i can take a lot. i really can. but when comments are made about my appearance and ways i choose to spend my money. when my husband is insulted. when i feel attacked on purpose, when pain has been intentionally inflicted in the place that hurts me most, when my family has been hurt, and you just won’t stop, then i have a harder time behaving. taking the high road. again, i’m just not jesus.
so here is my public apology. as much as i want to be perfect and holy, loving and kind, showing grace and mercy, i miss the mark. sometimes instead of these wonderful qualities that I wish I had an abundance of i mete out judgment and anger and scolding scalding words.
then i need grace and mercy; forgiveness extended to me as well.
it’s not up to me to change people who need changing. that is god’s to do. i need some changing too. i realize it on a regular basis, like daily, how badly defective i am and how much i need my savior. this is not my inferiority or low self-esteem talking. this is the i’m-a-wretched-sinner-saved-by-grace talking. the same grace that is extended to the people who hurt me needs to be extended to me when i hurt them.
moving forward, lesson learned, except....
mess with my family and i lose sight of how i'm supposed to behave and then i end up asking for forgiveness again. maybe there won't be a next time. but if there is, i plan to deal with it with grace and mercy...same as i want to be treated.
Monday, September 3, 2012
confession...
i was looking for a new devotional/bible study plan. i like them where it's more scripture than supplemental bible study. as i looked through the topics, i realized i was passing over some because i was convicted just reading the titles.
i knew if i dug into those topics of study that i would be required to confess some things and make changes.
to communicate with some people i'd rather not to try and heal some things. make things right. not begin or restore a relationship, just fix some wounds.
fix my attitude about ___________________ (yep, fill in the blank. about 5 different things would fit.)
and i don't want to.
this came after a week where i had the absolute worst nightmare of my life. and i had two this week, one i was staying at a bed and breakfast and it was snake infested, with venomous snakes. but it was handled well, they had people on staff that watched you and the snakes while you slept and if you slept really still, you would be okay. but if you tossed and turned, the snakes would bite you. the watchers would administer anti-venin after you were bit, in your sleep. when i checked out there were two charges for anti-venin on my bill. and this was not the worst one i had.
weird that they were both about sleeping. may have to google the meaning of dreams...
i wish i knew why i had such vivid nightmares. have since i was a child, though.
anyway, i chose a different bible study plan. but i know there are some things i need to change. (aren't there always?) so when i finish this 21 days, i will revisit the others and step out in faith that god will do agood big work in me.
i knew if i dug into those topics of study that i would be required to confess some things and make changes.
to communicate with some people i'd rather not to try and heal some things. make things right. not begin or restore a relationship, just fix some wounds.
fix my attitude about ___________________ (yep, fill in the blank. about 5 different things would fit.)
and i don't want to.
this came after a week where i had the absolute worst nightmare of my life. and i had two this week, one i was staying at a bed and breakfast and it was snake infested, with venomous snakes. but it was handled well, they had people on staff that watched you and the snakes while you slept and if you slept really still, you would be okay. but if you tossed and turned, the snakes would bite you. the watchers would administer anti-venin after you were bit, in your sleep. when i checked out there were two charges for anti-venin on my bill. and this was not the worst one i had.
weird that they were both about sleeping. may have to google the meaning of dreams...
i wish i knew why i had such vivid nightmares. have since i was a child, though.
anyway, i chose a different bible study plan. but i know there are some things i need to change. (aren't there always?) so when i finish this 21 days, i will revisit the others and step out in faith that god will do a
Saturday, September 1, 2012
catch all
it's been a jumbled up month.
steve's back surgery went well, rougher recovery then what he is used to, but remarkable recovery for back surgery. he is still home for a couple more days, but back to work middle of next week. no exercise for 3 months.
marathon is next week. training was going so well, then school started and volleyball practice and i have been leaving the house at 7:25 a.m. and getting home about 6:00 p.m. was starting to get a little concerned, but looked back at my training log and i've gotten in several short intense workouts during the last two weeks, so my confidence is pretty good. sometime this weekend i'll get a 10 mile in and then just light stuff next week. my goal is to finish. i've never ran this trail, but i'm looking forward to it. checked the weather and it's supposed to be mid-80's with rain in the forecast. most likely that will move in or out before then. worst case, i get wet and muddy. best case, i stay cool.
fist football game. first volleyball scrimmage (first game is this week, new coach, not sure what is going to happen).
here's my sweet sixteen year old
ultra marathon training will start in two weeks. i'll have a week after the marathon to take it easy and recover and then time to start the new training plan. i thought about not sharing the experience here, but when i went back and read my first marathon training experience, i was so glad i had it. so more for me than anyone else, i will track the good, the bad and the pitiful. i have a very specific running plan including hills, bleachers and tempo work. i am looking at three days a week weights, whether i do weights or crossfit plan, haven't decided yet.
i am currently registered for 4 races. that has never happened to me. i usually take one at a time. marathon in lawrence 9/8; rock n roll scott hill memorial 3.87 mile race, fundraiser for the lymphona and leukemia society 9/23; monster dash 4 mile trail obstacle costume race 10/4; and rocky raccoon 50 mile february 2.
hope everyone has a blessed weekend.
steve's back surgery went well, rougher recovery then what he is used to, but remarkable recovery for back surgery. he is still home for a couple more days, but back to work middle of next week. no exercise for 3 months.
marathon is next week. training was going so well, then school started and volleyball practice and i have been leaving the house at 7:25 a.m. and getting home about 6:00 p.m. was starting to get a little concerned, but looked back at my training log and i've gotten in several short intense workouts during the last two weeks, so my confidence is pretty good. sometime this weekend i'll get a 10 mile in and then just light stuff next week. my goal is to finish. i've never ran this trail, but i'm looking forward to it. checked the weather and it's supposed to be mid-80's with rain in the forecast. most likely that will move in or out before then. worst case, i get wet and muddy. best case, i stay cool.
fist football game. first volleyball scrimmage (first game is this week, new coach, not sure what is going to happen).
here's my sweet sixteen year old
ultra marathon training will start in two weeks. i'll have a week after the marathon to take it easy and recover and then time to start the new training plan. i thought about not sharing the experience here, but when i went back and read my first marathon training experience, i was so glad i had it. so more for me than anyone else, i will track the good, the bad and the pitiful. i have a very specific running plan including hills, bleachers and tempo work. i am looking at three days a week weights, whether i do weights or crossfit plan, haven't decided yet.
i am currently registered for 4 races. that has never happened to me. i usually take one at a time. marathon in lawrence 9/8; rock n roll scott hill memorial 3.87 mile race, fundraiser for the lymphona and leukemia society 9/23; monster dash 4 mile trail obstacle costume race 10/4; and rocky raccoon 50 mile february 2.
hope everyone has a blessed weekend.
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