Our Father

I read the passage commonly referred to as the Lord's Prayer today. Matthew 6:5-13. I read it in the NLT first. I had an interesting thought from the way it was worded.

And forgive us the way we forgive others.

I read it a couple different versions and pretty sure God isn't saying "I'll forgive you the way you forgive others". But what if He did?

I tend to forgive easily, being a pretty good screw up and needing a lot of forgiveness myself. But it was a good reminder.


I hope I remember this. I hope I let bygones be bygones. That's what I want for me. From God and everyone else.

role models

there is some controversy surrounding the best player in college football, manziel, this year's heisman winner.

apparently he was arrested and had a fake id.

the controversy is the integrity of the football player and the award. it shouldn't go to the best player, it should go to the best player with the highest morals, etc. because "ten year old boys look up to him".

this whole thing saddened me. coming on the tails of the kc chiefs player killing his girlfriend and committing suicide and the dallas cowboys player with the driving while intoxicated we have all kinds of football players being bad examples.

we are overlooking the good examples. i'm not even talking the overtly outspoken christian players. there are so many good men on the football field that work hard, provide for their families, obey the laws and do good.

but we expect them to be heroes.

one thing i know, my life wouldn't live up to that level of scrutiny. i had a fake id. i've told a lie (or two million). i had sex before i was married. i've bounced a check. i could go on. but basically all this says i'm not perfect. you know, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

on the issue of role models, we are responsible for our children. the ones god gives us. the ones he places in our homes. we need to teach them right and wrong. we need to teach them to follow god. help them develop a conscience. a love for god that keeps them on the straight and narrow, or at the very least provides a solid foundation so that when if they stray they return to him.

being mad at espn and the college football world and a 19 year old with a golden arm for throwing a football because he is not the perfect role model for your child is expecting too much and frankly is unfair.

the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" might be true in some respects, but when i answer to god for how i raised my son it's going to be me. albert puhols is not going to be standing beside me saying, "no god, that's on me. he looked up to me from miles away and i let him down. i didn't know him, or that he personally existed, but i should have been perfect, as you were perfect, so that he could aspire to be like me. and i don't know his family's values and what they taught him, but i should have met their standard regardless because i'm a famous baseball player."

this may be an extreme example, but i believe that we should teach our kids that it's okay to want to be like sports stars, where the sports part of it comes into play. but in their personal lives, we need to teach them the ways of god. the ways of being good and responsible members of society.

and show them real men as role models.

a math teacher who had life choices i wouldn't agree with, but his professional life and the way he treated my children was above repraoach.

the youth pastor that was overly competitive at sports and really didn't excel at them, but lived a hugely sacrificial life for his family and ministry.

the fifth grade teacher that invested in my son as a small group bible study leader that he still admires

a hillbilly that coached baseball just because he loved the game and showed nate you could win and have fun doing it.

own your behavior. teach your children to own theirs. and use this situation as an object lesson, if nothing else.

manziel did something illegal. he was arrested. no matter how good you are at football, you still answer to the law.

dissatisfied

this is a follow on to my previous post about sharing too much via social media.

i canceled my pinterest account. i found myself looking at things and wanting things and wanting to make things and spend money on things that i never wanted before. and don’t need. and probably don’t want if i’m really honest.

for example, i have a great black peasant skirt. i saw something on how to wear peasant skirts and immediately took mental inventory of what i had and what i would need to buy (or borrow from whitney) to copy the look.

two problems here. I DON’T NEED NEW CLOTHES. I DON’T WANT TO COPY A LOOK MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN ARE COPYING. and i have some awesome clothes in my closet. (note – i’m wearing my black peasant skirt with a 4 year old orange running chics sheer tee, 75% off orange satin ballet flats and steve’s levi’s jean jacket circa 1988 as i type this).

i also see on pinterest women planning weddings when they aren’t close to being engaged (or even dating). and dressing children they don’t have. i believe this is dangerous, leading lots of women (besides me? or am i the only one that struggles with this?) into dissatisfaction in their lives as well. some dreaming and wanting is okay. but at some point LIVE AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. if i was a guy dating a girl and I looked at her pinterest boards and she had 100 pins for her wedding and 179 of baby stuff it would probably freak me out.

i loved the humor boards until i came across several that were off color, down right raunchy, full of foul language, and the ones about teaching or created by teachers with typos and misspelled words just about send me over the edge.

and my dissatisfaction continued when i looked at facebook. you know about my love hate with facebook. i saw it. the much despised post “my husband just bought me an espresso maker (fancy name and picture). i’m so spoiled”. gag.me.with.a.spoon. (you can take a girl out of the 80’s but can’t take the 80’s out of the girl). and i don’t know the story behind the espresso maker. maybe she had been asking for one for a while and he finally got it for her. maybe he was tired of running to starbucks to get her espresso fix for her. or tired of watching the kids while she went. maybe she already had one and it was broken. maybe she was just publically thanking him because he’s the most awesome husband ever. not mine to get worked up over (but i did).

i ask steve why he doesn’t spoil me. he asks, pointedly, “do you want an espresso maker?” NO. because if i did, i could have one. he’d buy it for me or let me go buy it for myself. i realized that by this definition, i am spoiled too. he never tells me no. we just work it into the budget.

i changed my facebook profile picture to this one.

because i would rather have this all day long and twice on sundays instead of an espresso maker or any other expensive gift. a weekend out of town together, a race, a hug at the finish line. when i registered for my first race, a 10 mile in 2008 he registered too. and when i got to the 9 mile mark he had finished his race and come back and was waiting for me and ran the last mile with me. he’s done this more than once. ask me how I know he loves me and how he spoils me? this is one of many examples i can give.

this is not just a “brag about my husband” post. this is me looking at the kind things he does for me. the ways he shows me he loves me. he speaks MY love language, not someone else’s with espresso makers.

how quickly i can become dissatisfied with what i have, with my life in comparison to others. wanting more. wanting what others have. wanting validation from people that shouldn’t be able to speak into my life. steve is special. he is good to me. i don’t need presents, i just need him. and lots of races.

social media. i have to make sure that i get this right for me. i’m not telling anyone else how to manage their social media and how to live. it’s just a cautionary tale of the impact it can have on my life. and my continued search for the correct boundaries.

jesus loves me

i’ve been feeling unloved. in the one area i should never doubt. jesus. i’ve been kind of needy in our relationship. worse than usual. i’m doing more talking then listening. always a recipe for disaster.

here’s the readers digest version. i went on a week long pity party. part of it was the post marathon - no training, physically tired, mentally exhausted feeling. throw in steve feeling better after surgery finally and whitney settling into school. i always fall apart after the hard stuff is done. part of it was a series of unfortunate events (still have all these books, anyone interested?) that just kept me spiraling down. steve knew i was cranky, i didn’t share why. just kept it to myself, let it fester. enjoyed being miserable.

the end of the week did me in. friday night at the football game i got an upsetting phone call. i finally told steve what was really bothering me and once i had told him a surprising thing happened. i started feeling better. on the way home from the football game i prayed, pretty much told god i knew he was god, he could do what he said he could, and would do what he wanted, and that was best. and this is what i wanted and i believed he would do it.

saturday was better. we came home from whitney’s volleyball tournament, i opened the mail, big 8.5 x 11 envelope addressed to me and the contents? exactly what i had told god i wanted. it’s important to stress it was a want. i don’t pray “wants” very often. but this was like a gift wrapped package with a note card from god that said “yes, i love you”.

not sure if i can say this right, but god answering the prayer did more for me than getting what i wanted.

it doesn’t always work that way. it’s not a slot machine type of deal. lots of my prayers go unanswered or get a big fat no. this was just one of those special moments. i remember every time this has happened. here’s one of my favorites.

one saturday 10 (ish) years ago i had prayed in one of my needy times that i knew jesus loves me, but could he just somehow show it? i needed it to feel real. whitney was sitting with me in church the next day, sunday morning. being very good and drawing. she handed me a folded up note

couldn’t get more plain than that.

i read a passage in john, chapter 15.

“as the father has loved me, so have I loved you”. perfect love. unshakeable, unbreakable, unwavering, unending, unearned.

“abide in my love”. stay in it. never leave it.

“you did not choose me but i chose you”. he chose me. he wants me. he loves me.

“go and bear fruit that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name he may give it to you”. not sure exactly how to get this right to bear fruit and have my fruit abide so that whatever i ask…i’m sure my week of cranky followed by my surrender is a step in that direction.

wherever this finds you today, i pray that you feel the love of god in your life. these verses were written just for me, but they were also written just for you.

too much???

this week i enjoyed reading blog posts on the topic of social media and sharing too much. am i guilty of this? should i keep more to myself? share more?

i have pulled way back in the last year. i’m faithful to my blog, but that’s about it. and you know, it’s mostly about running…

i protect my children. i protect my husband. i’m pretty open about me, but it’s my life. i don’t share things that would embarrass or hurt my kids. i try to do the same with steve, and if he’s told me certain subjects not to talk about, i don’t.

i have some thoughts on the subject of social media, but I won’t link back to one of my favorite blogs to participate in posts about social media, even though it’s set up for that, because then other people who don’t already read me might find me and i write for us. always willing to welcome new people, but i don’t go out to drag them here. they have to find me.

i was most interested in the posts about comparison. comparing yourself to others via what you see on social media. it can really make you feel like everyone has it together but you. or the opposite, you can feel pretty good because some people are a real train wreck and willing to share way too much.

i had a day last week where i logged onto facebook and in direct response to everything i saw wanted to post this as my status

“i did not work out today. i fixed frozen lasagna and bagged breadsticks (which i burned) for dinner. i forgot to buy 12 things at the store. it’s 11:30 p.m. and the 3 dozen brownies i’m supposed to take for the volleyball tournament fund raiser tomorrow are just coming out of the oven. there are no clean towels for showers.”

yep, the “i made 14 pints of jelly from berries i picked in my own backyard”? can’t compete. everyday workouts at 4:45 a.m.? not this girl. cornbread from scratch? why??? the jiffy mix is $.50 and with enough butter or dunked in chili you can't hardly tell the difference.

and pinterest - i have a pinterest account. primarily so I can read (stalk) the funny posters that cate pins. and her sister brenda. seriously follow both of them just for that. i can’t handle the perfect houses, the crafts that always turn out right, the recipes that require more than 5 items. i do use the occasional recipe, and lots of workout/running stuff, although every picture from every workout i’ve seen has been fitness models, no real women and can't compare to that. i actually most like pinterest to let my wonderful, creative, exciting, fascinating friends do all the homework for me when it comes to recipes and patterns and humor…thank you all very much.

Twitter – i’m just not clever enough. or exciting enough. it’s too fast paced for me. can’t keep up.

facebook – last weekend i ran a marathon. i shared one beautiful picture with the marathon's page and nothing else. but all the pictures from the fotog were posted. and he’s great. and the pictures of me were unflattering. i loved the ones from the glow run, remember i shared those? pink skirt, black shirt, i thought i looked good.

but i didn’t look good in these marathon pics. awkward angles, least flattering but most comfortable running clothes i own. sports bras are unflattering, and then i strapped a camelback on that didn’t help me look better. i ran for hours (and hours), i was sick, it was all uphill or downhill which made me hold myself at odd angles, the capris and gators made my legs look short and my calves look huge…get the idea? but i didn’t untag myself. on purpose. because when i only post the pretty pictures, i feel dishonest. when i only talk about how well i did, it’s a lie.

i love social media. staying in contact with long distance friends and seeing pictures. tracking my friends when they are running races to see how they are doing and how they finish. i love to read blogs. amateur writers have some of the best stuff to say.

social media is like anything else in life. it should have boundaries. i don’t have a set of boundaries, but i try to be aware and cautious. there are things that i should keep more private and areas where i only paint myself in a good light. but a lesson was learned for me earlier this month when i came across a file folder where i had printed some very upsetting blog posts and emails that had been sent to me. they had been taken down/deleted, but i still had the paper copies. what you say one time in the virtual world is out there forever.

that's what i think about most. whether it lives in someones mind or on paper or just on line, it's out there.

here are my unflattering pictures.

they are on facebook, not from me, and the hawk 100 website so i guess a third place isn't a big deal, right?

i'm not jesus

i used my blog to tell someone off. (two someones) used it to make a point. specific points. she (they) deserved it. but it doesn’t make it right. i didn't say unkind or hateful things. i merely took information/some one else’s opinion and poked holes in it. used scripture and god to make my way right. used it to show my superiority (in my own eyes,of course). show my maturity and wisdom. which is exactly what i didn’t do.

most of you wouldn’t have understood it. might have noticed i was a bit in your face, but not gotten the specifics.

in hindsight would i do it again? most likely. because i didn’t do it on the spur of the moment or even in anger. i proofread what i wrote. i think it needed to be said. but not by me, and not the way i said it.

no matter how much hurt and pain you have caused the people i love (and me, but i'm included in the people i love because i love myself) doesn’t make it okay for me to strike out and hurt you back. no matter how much i want to see you hurt.

but while i am a christian who desperately wants to more like jesus, i am woefully inadequately human.

i can take a lot. i really can. but when comments are made about my appearance and ways i choose to spend my money. when my husband is insulted. when i feel attacked on purpose, when pain has been intentionally inflicted in the place that hurts me most, when my family has been hurt, and you just won’t stop, then i have a harder time behaving. taking the high road. again, i’m just not jesus.

so here is my public apology. as much as i want to be perfect and holy, loving and kind, showing grace and mercy, i miss the mark. sometimes instead of these wonderful qualities that I wish I had an abundance of i mete out judgment and anger and scolding scalding words.

then i need grace and mercy; forgiveness extended to me as well.

it’s not up to me to change people who need changing. that is god’s to do. i need some changing too. i realize it on a regular basis, like daily, how badly defective i am and how much i need my savior. this is not my inferiority or low self-esteem talking. this is the i’m-a-wretched-sinner-saved-by-grace talking. the same grace that is extended to the people who hurt me needs to be extended to me when i hurt them.

moving forward, lesson learned, except....

mess with my family and i lose sight of how i'm supposed to behave and then i end up asking for forgiveness again. maybe there won't be a next time. but if there is, i plan to deal with it with grace and mercy...same as i want to be treated.

whatsoever things are true

phillipians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest,

ahhh, the wonderful world of the internet. where we share more than we should. where we can pretend (or actually believe???) we are something we are not.

i wandered as i browsed the web - and i had 12 hours at the spine hospital yesterday with msnbc on and a bad library book to read - everything from facebook, twitter, blogs and pinterest, if we are really that disillusioned about ourselves.

i know many people that know me read this, and a few of them will (and have) called me out on past behaviors. i'm really glad they do. maybe not at the time, but eventually i am glad.

i think we all have areas of our lives where certain things are the norm. ways of dress, behavior, talk. do we compromise those? or do we live our lives as us. the unique wonderful way god made us?

one thing that i've learned that makes me different is that i like to wear dresses. at work, even in a professional office environment it's rare to see dresses. maybe i should be more specific, i like girly dresses. and i wear them grocery shopping, to whitney's volleyball games, to church, pretty much wherever i'm going.

and i stick out a lot of times. funny thing is, if you put me in khakis and a black tee shirt, i feel awkward. i do on occasion wear jeans, but even prefer them with pretty shirts and heels. (or sports tee shirts and tennis shoes, but if i'm going that way, i'm probably wearing sweat pants or yoga pants and actually working out.

this is a surface reality for me. but what is inside me? am i a hypocrite? do i talk about god and scripture and share positive uplifting spiritual truths on one pinterest board and call it "wisdom" and then call one "humor" or "things that make me laugh" share off color things, speak bad about men and even other women, calling them names and parts of the body and even plain out foul language? (i will share areas where i have seen hypocrisy in my life, later. can't take too much self flagellation in one day.).

think twice about what i say/type/post. one got away from me this week, i typed something i shouldn't have (even though i meant it and know it was true doesn't mean that i should've shared it) and scheduled it to post. when i proofread it (after it posted) i edited it and took the offensive sentence down.

i want my life to line up with god's word. with the life of a follower of jesus. but i want to be the kind of follower that is not afraid to get out of her boat and go to jesus.

Luke 9:23-24 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

daily. follow. jesus.

taking up my cross doesn't sound fun. carrying a cross in biblical times was a pretty horrific experience. and it doesn't say you MAY have a cross to carry. it says to pick up your cross. defninitive. there is a cross. i wander, can we truly follow if we aren't carrying our cross? theologues? peggy? jenny? people smarter then me? any answers?

even if it means to walk the path less traveled.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i love this by Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

lessons from the trail part 13 - look forward, not back

steve and i were talking about the past. okay, he was telling me to leave the past where it is.

because my children grew up in the 90’s, it’s best said by...

pumbaa: it's times like this my buddy timon here says: you got to put your behind
in your past.

timon: No, no, no. amateur. lie down before you hurt yourself.

i rarely look over my shoulder when i’m running. i have stopped and looked at a particularly tough area of the trail to see it from both sides. when I climbed in boulder i took a picture looking up. then i took one from the top of the mountain looking down. (interesting that they were both where i was going…)

when i waded the water crossing at the rockin’ k, i looked back to see what i had just finished. that may have been the only time. i stop and look and enjoy the scenery and the view, but i find i’m always looking where i’m going, not where i’ve been.

it’s time to put this in practice in the rest of my life. i believe in moving forward. but I’m not too sure i haven’t let looking backward affect me negatively.

some areas it’s okay to reflect, for instance, my kids when they were little. but it’s not healthy to dwell on it and miss them all being home to the point that i sit and cry. just remember it as happy, albeit (can you believe i just used the word albeit? i started to take it out but it made me laugh) crazy time of life and think about the good now, and better coming.


how many people in the bible put their behinds in their past as they moved forward for god?

the apostle paul quit killing christians and became a mighty man of god.

the disciple peter quit being scared and denying jesus and taking his eyes off of him to become one of the greatest preachers of the first century (or ever).

rahab put her past as a prostitute behind her to help the spies that came to jericho escape and is listed in the lineage of jesus.

john the baptist had a whole ministry of preparing for what was to come. telling people someone great was coming, look forward, etc.


the view of where i’m going is more exciting than the view of where i’ve been.

why???

do you ever wonder why?

why did this happen?
why didn't this happen?

and my favorite, why did it happen to me?

it's closely followed by it's relatives,

how and what

how come?

what did i do to deserve this?

these are dangerous questions to spend too much time on. mostly because usually there aren't answers. and if there are, in my case, the answers don't help.


isaiah 55:8-11 "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what i desire and achieve the purpose for which i sent it".

i find a lot of comfort in this passage. there is no room to mistake what god is saying here. he knows more. his ways and thoughts are better.

i have memorized this scripture in a couple of different translations of the bible, which should be a good thing, except they get all jumbled up now. basically, though, i have it hidden in my heart that "my ways are not your ways" and i never forget that. i might question, but when i do, this passage is usually quick to come to mind that he knows more. and he will accomplish what he desires.

mine is to accept that he wants better for me than i want for myself. that he knows what is good, no, better for me than i know myself.

do you ever have questions? do you accept that god knows more and leave it in his hands? is it as hard for you as it me?

what i know that god knows

he knew i'd fail, he created me

he knew i'd never be good enough, only he is perfect

he knew i'd have self esteem issues, he wants me to fill up with him

he knew i'd think i wasn't pretty enough, he tells me i'm beautiful

he knew i'd love him, i was made to love



he loves me...because he chooses to

i'm not afraid of the dark

in a list of things i'm afraid of, and there are several, the dark is not one of them. maybe because i'm only afraid of things i can see.

when i was a child i had nightmares. i still do. and i remember my dreams. i wake up scared and don't want to go back to sleep.

so guess what a child that grew up in the 80's was subjected to? jason, michael myers and dah dah dah...freddy krueger. he was the one that terrified me.

my kids love horror movies. nothing scares whitney, and nate laughed hysterically at children of the corn, which also had me petrified. he laughed harder that i was scared, but the whole religion and cult storyline, eww.

for years my oldest brother would say "the blue man! yes, the blue man!"

friday night i'm running down a dirt road all alone. no lights in sight. no houses, cars, headlamps, radio towers, the moon had even gone behind clouds. i am fine. not a fraidy cat bone in my body until...

i hear rustling. i am scared of rustling. well, not the rustling, what might be causing the rustling.

i turn and see the road is edged on both sides by cornfields taller than my head and i think "they're in the cornfield. isaac put them there". but it wasn't isaac the child prophet from children of the corn coming after me with his scythe and sickle, it was just the wind.

no snakes, no skunks, no mountain lions.

it added to my trip down 80's memory lane when shortly after the rustling i hit the block of queen music on my ipod. what's not to love; i want it all, bohemian rhapsody, fat bottom girls, i want to break free, under pressure, bicycle..

youth revisited. good times. sheila, you shoulda been there, two of your favorite things as well, children of the corn and queen.

repentance is hard, but it's free

have you ever had to say your sorry? i get to say that one a lot.

it's hard. saying i'm sorry. especially if you say it truthfully.

i'm sorry. i know i hurt you and i'm sorry. i can't say i didn't mean to, because i sharpened those words before i said them. i thought about what i was doing and knew it was wrong and new it would hurt you. yet i said/did it anyway. and i'm sorry.

how about the words "i'm sorry" and then you continue to hurt the person the same way you just apologized for. is it hard to say "i'm sorry" again? and do they believe you?

but how about when we take it to god and say "i'm sorry". he forgives and forgets. he gives a do over. and it's free. he doesn't expect anything from you.

repentance is asking for forgiveness and turning from the behavior. now if we could do it and get it right just by wanting to, just by asking for forgiveness one time. there would be a lot of perfect people. i don't know any perfect people. perfect is not a word i would ever use about myself or my life. in fact, the pressure of having a perfect life is more than i can handle. too far to fall when something goes wrong.

anyway, i thought about all the people in my world to see if i owe any apologies. where repentance is necessary. there are a few that i need to deal with, and i have. there are a few that i need to deal with, but they don't know so telling them would just be kind of dumb because they don't know i've been upset. it wouldn't make either of us feel better, so that one gets to be dealt with between me and god.

i know there are people that i have hurt that i didn't do it intentionally or my words hurt, but i stand by them and that is different. if i offend a young woman who e-mails my husband inappropriately and tell her it's wrong both of us want it to stop, i won't apologize for that, as long as i wasn't cruel and called her a home wrecking @$%&*@ or words to that effect. which i wouldn't didn't.

1 john 1:9 says "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness".

repentance - it's not a one time event. it's an ongoing process.

repentance is hard, but it's free. more than that, it's freeing. it will release you.

who gets my best?

i had three friends go on beach vacations this year. two went to florida, one went to california. two of them went on mad diet/workout programs to get ready to go. and they had a lot of work to do. one stayed with the same diet and workout routine she’s been on for years. no crashing to get ready to go, no trying to look better for her vacation. just continuance of her lifestyle.

all three have husbands and teenage daughters. i wandered what kind of message this sent, if anyone thought anything of it (besides me)?

i think it’s okay to eat whatever you want and not work out until you have a big trip planned. it's okay to let this be a motivator or a jump start. seriously, whatever gets you healther is great. or if you are happy unhealthy, you are at least happy.

but from my perspective, how i see my life, the people in california/florida, or in my case, south dakota and denver that didn’t know me, will never see me again, and most likely they won’t notice me while i’m there. they are not worth more than the people who see me every day and that love me. my husband and children are worth more and deserve me taking care of myself all of the time. and it matters to my husband and daughter that i want to be healthy and look my best. marquis client after us tuesday at wichita state was a boy off the heights football team. marquis introduced us, he has met whitney, and this young man knew whitney. when she told me she had talked to him and he told her that her parents were cool and in good shape, she was so proud. it matters.

i think it’s okay to have goals and goal dates and to want to look good for activities and trips and events. i just wander who is getting our best. and why we settle for less than our best until we have a trip or wedding or reunion to attend.

should we strive to be our best all the time? if looking good for vacation is important, shouldn’t we try to look good for our husband and families as much as we can? if we eat right and exercise to be/look the best we can for an event or trip, shouldn’t we maintain for our everyday life? the other 51 weeks out of the year.

and it's not all appearance, in fact, that's the least of what impacted me about this.

i took it one step deeper in my life. i go to work every day and get along with others. i’m kind, i smile. when i go home to the people who live with me, who love me, who are not spending time with me because they’ve been paid to do so, how do i act? do they get kindness and smiles?

They should get my best. i'm fortunate to have lovable people in my life. that still doesn't always make me kind.

big believer in loving everyone, which means everyone, even though that is REALLY HARD, being kind, i have to work hard at it, but i do need to evaluate who gets my best.

steve is going to see me with my hair a mess and no make up. he is going to see me in a ratty tee shirt scrubbing the floor or pulling weeds. he's going to see me dripping with sweat and mascara running down my face because i wore the wrong stuff on work out day (yes, i wear make up to work out). and he loves me when i look like this.

but every chance i have to look my best i take it. to look pretty, i take it, and to be sure he gets my best.

and this goes with my actions and words too.

vacation

“when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with you above the storm,
father you are king over the flood,
i will be still, know you are god.”

two things i’m not good at – soaring and being still.

i feel like i need to be still for a while. so i’m taking a virtual vacation. i’ll see you all in a couple weeks. have a great july.

love you all.

lessons from the trail part 7 - courage not available everywhere

I saw the cutest commercial on television the other night.  a man looks in the mirror, shakes his belly, and sighs.

next shot he's at a food wagon, orders a cheeseburger, looks at the calories on the mobile app and changes it to a salad.

shows him exercising.

shows him getting a picture from his kids holding signes that say "you can do it dad".

last scene, he's putting on a tux and his daughter in her wedding dress says "i'm so proud of you, dad".

i didn't know what the commercial was for, but at the bottom of the screen i caught the words "courage not available everywhere".  i saw it was a verizon commercial and quickly corrected my reading to "coverage not available everywhere".

that thought has stuck.

"courage not available everywhere"

i talked about courage here,  one of my favorite courage quotes.

courage definined by dictionary.com "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery."

i saw this commercial on a down day.  does anybody besides me have those?  something pulls you down and you just can't shake it.  at some point i'll end up in tears behind my sunglasses or in the shower or in the car.  because i hide to cry.

days and places i don't have courage.  it's not available. i can't pull my head and my heart out of a bad place.    

i've had people ask me after the rattlesnake and the waist deep water crossing and the foray up the mountain side with the snake attack how i can still go climbing and running trails with the wildlife.  i told sheila the other day it's just a different kind of predator. 

and in my personal life, i've been knocked down to have to get back up more times than i can count.  more than i want to think about.  how do you move forward when you feel the whole world is holding you back.  you have to find the courage to get up and try again. 

courage didn't used to be available to me many places.  i would stay on the trail.  i wouldn't run it by myself.  i was scared of what was out there.  i was scared i couldn't do it.  i was scared someone, anyone would see me fail.  i was scared i'd be weak, slow, less than everyone else.  and i missed a lot.

i also have fears that i'm not as good a mom, wife, sister, daughter, employee, person as everyone else.  i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, it's a recurring theme for me. 

but i've found the courage to be more.  to face difficulty.  danger, pain.  even with fear, i face it.  and i'm not as afraid anymore.  in life or on the trail.    

courage is not available everywhere.  but only because i don't tap into the correct source of strength. 

2 timothy 1:7 "for god has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

fear is not from god. 

phillipians 4:13 "i can do all things because he gives me strength."

courage can be available everywhere.

where do you feel weak?  where do you find your courage?

Drought and Storm

Matthew 5:44-45

^{44 "}But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵ that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous".

Do you have enemies? (And do they know they are your enemies)? And how would it look if you loved them? And the praying for them? I’m pretty sure God rejected my prayers of “make her go away” and others as a prayer that met the criteria for praying for your enemies.  I know he was probably quite disappointed in me over some of the words I said.  But I want to be a child of my Father in heaven, so I’ll do better. (This paragraph is just a bonus, when I read it I felt like I’d been spanked by the word of God.  I really intended to talk about verse 45). 

I've been reading the Gospels, over and over.  About Jesus.  About his love, how he handled situations and people because he always got it right.  I can learn from him.  Can't be him, but can be better.  Matthew is great. 

I really thought about verse 45.  He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous".

Ahhhh, me and my love/hate relationship with facebook. The place where someone is showing off their new thousands of dollars toy (that’s right I called it a TOY and we all have them) right next to someone who is asking for prayer for a child with cancer.

One person is building huts in the jungles of Guatemala and another is drinking Mai Tai’s on the beach in Hawaii.

One person is moving into their fancy new 4,000 SF home celebrating a good move/promotion and another is downsizing, literally cutting their belongings in half to move into a new home, city and career due to cutbacks/economy, etc.

First, let me say that I think buying new “toys” as I called them is great, vacations are great, big new beautiful homes are great. There is nothing that says we have to take a vow of poverty and give everything we have away. (Funny anecdote:  I was told once “every time I think about buying crest white strips I think I could give that money to missions”. I think of that every time I buy crest white strips, but I still buy them. One man’s sacrificial gift is another’s man gleaming white smile). 

I do believe we are asked to give and help others. But God will put it in your heart and you will know what cause to support and what amount to give.   And your giving is up to you and can and should be private.  So the person on the beach may have financed that whole trip to Guatemala and the building materials for the huts.  I don't know.  But it just made this verse stick out to me that while some struggle some flourish.   

But...

GOD IS GOOD

In the storm and the drought - which ironically are complete opposites and both represent bad in our lives.

When the unrighteous people are blessed and the righteous people struggle, God is good. 

When the righteous people are blessed and the unrighteous people struggle, God is good.

The bonus at work that is a blessing from God for one man is the same bonus to the atheist. It rains blessings on both.  The layoff for the devout Christian man is the same lack of income for the atheist.  

Sometimes I feel a season of drought. I need the storm. I need to realize sometimes it takes a storm to heal the drought.   

And I'm feeling kind of dry, So whether you think you are good or bad, righteous or unrighteous, if it’s raining where you are, would you come stand next to me?

And I’ll work on how to pray for my enemies.

Change will do you good

It seems most of my relationships are changing.  Except Sheila - not so much. She is (outside of family) the longest relationship I have, and (including family, to a large extent) the most solid and consistent.

My relationship with Steve has changed and matured and morphed over the years.  Right now I believe he is my biggest supporter, proudest fan, and loves me more than anyone else.  There have been times I wouldn't say that, but there have been times honestly I gave him no reason too.  We've chosen a life together and we are better for sticking with it.

My relationship with Nate the last two years he was home was rocky.  He obeyed the rules, he was respectful, but it very passive aggressive.  He loves me and respects me as his mom, and he never was verbally disrespectful, but it was there.  I chalked it up to growing from boy to man.  And then after he was home at Christmas I got the most beautiful text from him, apologizing for his behavior and the way he left.  "I just was young and immature and had to figure things out on my own.  I'm sorry."  And then, a couple months ago, this one "everything I have that matters I got from you.  Not materially, that doesn't matter.  I know what's really important.  I know how to find the light and how to walk in it, because you taught me".  Oh, I needed to hear that.  To feel like I got it right.  There have been a couple more, but this week he was making a decision about work and asked for advice because "you have years of experience and this is all new to me".  I stood up from my desk and actually said to God "how did I get him?  How did I raise this without screwing it up?"  He's growing into a man that will be respected and admired.  Our relationship is changing.  We are now discussing philosophy books and religion books and all the things he used to laugh at me for - reading for entertainment and personal growth, running for physical and spiritual and mental health...he gets it.  When he asks if I've read something, I love to discuss Don Quixote or Dante's Inferno or the Metamorphoses or the Lost Gospels wth him.

And then there is Whitney.  She will be 16 in August.  I'm teaching her to drive.  Well, Steve and I are.  "Mom, you sit in the back, I'll drive with dad".  And then she looks in the back seat and says "no back seat driving.  Dad will tell me if I do something wrong."  I know more about what she is up to through Twitter.  Like last nights late night sand volleyball tournament with Crystal and another friend (they won).  I knew she was staying with Crystal, didn't know about volleyball (this makes 5 games or practices in the last 3 days).  She is growing up too fast.  But she's still a little girl.  We will get there, it's just hard watching this relationship change.  She should still be my baby.  

I have others, Jenny moved to Boston.  That drastically changed that relationship.  Carrie moved home from Boston, that changed our relationship.  Kelly & Michelle moved to Seattle. 

And then there are the bad relationships, harmful, hurtful, that you just have to cut out.  There are a couple of these.  A person I know that I wish I didn't, I need to cut that one completely  I just don't know how.  Do I tell them I need them to stay away?  Does it need to be addressed?  Can it go away with unresolved hurt?  And a former friend from church that isn't a friend anymore, I think because I have failed miserably in areas of my life that she doesn't know how to deal with.  The last time I talked to her was so stilted and awkward that I'm letting her go too.   


I've been thinking about all my relationships.  Am I what I should be?  Am I the wife; the helper, the submissive one?  Am I mom; not friend or not competitor, but cheerleader, advisor and problem solver where possible?  Am I a true friend?  Do I pay attention to who might need an email or phone call or meet for coffee or a shared aerobics class?  Who needs encouragement?  Do I take the time to offer?

Relationships are not easy.  They take work.  Anything worth having is worth working for.  Relationships, like life have time spent in the valley.  Not perfect, not pain free.  But worth it.

And I want you to know today that when I hit the publish button I prayed for everyone that will read this.  That God will bless you.  Just where you need it.

It's your life

I have decided that's my new stand on things. I will love you and support you in your decisions. If they are bad decisions but not immoral or life threatening, I will keep my mouth shut. If they are bad decisions and immoral and life threatening. I may still keep my mouth shut.

Okay, if you are about to get snake bit I will yell, "hey, look out for that snake". And if you tell me you are going to rob a bank or abduct a child or kill your husband, I will try to talk you out of it.

But if you want to buy that horizontal striped dress and wear it, I will let you. No recriminations. (I bought one last weekend, and I love it).

If you want to go on an unhealthy unsustainable weight loss plan, I will let you, without verbally passing judgment and warning you that when you can't sustain it, maintaining weight loss is just as hard as losing.

When you eat that third piece of cake (STELLA) I will let you, but I might tell you to leave the last piece for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I have my life to live, my kids lives to meddle in, and I'm not getting it right.

Whatever your choice is, it's exactly that. YOUR CHOICE. Good luck with that. I get questioned so much on my choices, and I hate it. HATE IT!!

What gives me the right to make you feel the way I feel so many times?

"Do you know how hard running is on your body?"

"You aren't paying your sons way through college?" (Insert paying for ... apartment, car, etc. here)

"You run so much, I thought you would eat healthier than that." (At a birthday luncheon for a co-worker where the healthiest thing on the menu is beer because it's at least made from natural ingredients and can't be fried. Or can it? Has anyone ever had fried beer?)

I can go on (and on and on) with even more personal questions I've been asked.

But I have decided that I no longer will be passing judgment or disagreeing with your life choices. I don't much anyway, I'm pretty opinionated, but leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, on the stuff that isn't going to affect your well being, spiritual or physical at least.

So if I make you feel bad, become holier-than-thou, go all super Christian, the honorable Judge Judgemental, tell me to stop it.

You have my permission.

It's your life.

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, she, thought, I am that mom.

That mom that takes 5 kids to the grocery store at 5:30 in the afternoon, the busiest time of the day. The mom with 5 kids all talking and trying to tell her about their day. Not loud, but just 5 of them make more noise than 1 does. And they take up more room than 1.

She really doesn’t enjoy taking them to the store with her. Well, that’s not true, she loves having them with her. She doesn’t like the judgment of the other patrons.

Yes, the baby has a snotty nose. She is teething. She is not sick or contagious, and she won’t touch anything that you will, you won't be contaminated.

Yes, my husband could watch them, if he wasn't working full time and going to school full time. Even if he is home, he’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open and watching five rambunctious kids is trying on even the most patient person. And after leaving the kids at school and with a sitter all week while she works, she hates to leave them more and pay more for child care.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that forgot about the diarama of Charlotte’s Web due in 4th grade English. The mom that will now sit up with her 9 year old two hours past bedtime making a pig out of a wooden thread spindle, pipe cleaners and googly eyes because mom has known about it for two weeks, but forgot about it, and there is no way the 4th grader can do it on his own in time. And it’s 50% of the grade (why do teachers do that? Do they not have kids of their own?) It’s also a big deal to him to have a diarama on display in the class.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That looks at the clock and calculates that after she finishes the laundry because she hadn’t washed the baseball uniform (for the last three games, and he is the catcher, and the socks really are so stiff that they are standing up on their own and it was muddy at the last game) and packs lunches the baby will be waking up for midnight feeding and then, when she can finally lay down she might get 4 hours of sleep.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that has heard “why did you have five kids if you can’t keep up”. She never answers “I didn’t plan too.” Never responds that she does know what causes it and she knows what birth control is. Yes, she has a television. Three of her kids are stepdaughters that she loves so much it hurts, but constantly is under attack by them and their parents because she doesn’t parent them correctly. As unfair as it is, you are allowed to make mistakes with your own kids. It's accepted, even expected, even by the kids. On the other hand, perfection is required as stepmom. The other two kids, well, she knows three methods of birth control that don’t work. God really wanted her to have those babies. And she is so glad. So thankful.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that has willingly given up even more sleep to sit outside her kids bedrooms and pray for them all night the night before a test or volleyball tryouts or state tournaments or debate or court dates.

The mom that has sat in the bleachers in a heavy coat, hat, gloves while wrapped in two blankets because she might miss a hit, or a throw to second base. And every single moment is precious.


Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that would give anything to take 5 kids to the store again. That would love to make a diarama of anything. The mom that still spends hours praying the night before finals or a job interview. That cries harder when her adult children hurt than over any pain she has ever felt for herself.

The mom that has to not help because while that is what she wants to do more than anything, her help causes more harm in the long run. The mom that has to watch the hard lessons being learned while it tears at her, because being mom is the hardest, but most rewarding and worthwhile thing she has ever done.


Happy Mother’s Day to every woman who has ever loved a child, their's or someone else's.

On some level, if you've loved a child, you get this.

My Kids

Kari, age 23

Amanda, age 21

Ashley, age 20

Nate, age 19 (pictured with two of my nephews and soon to be niece-in-law)

Whitney, age 15

Anneshia, age 3

Mia, age 22 months

Steven, age 5 months

And Crist, age 4, our Nicaraguan son through World Vision for two and a half years. I have a shoebox for letters and pictures. I love him too.

The Voice

It’s a reality/game show on television with vocalists performing to win a recording contract. Unlike the many others on television you don’t see people sing who shouldn’t. You don’t ever wonder why they are humiliating people. You truly see talented individuals on the stage. If you haven’t seen it, a quick description, 4 judges sit with their backs turned to the stage, and judge only on the voice. The contestant comes out and sings. The judges have buttons that spin their chair around. If they turn to you, you are selected to go to the next round on their team. If more than one judge turns, you get to choose your judge. The judges are current music artists.

This round is the blind auditions. We watched them and I had 3 favorites. Jermaine was a backup singer for Alicia Keys, Tony is a former Mousketeer and has been performing acoustically for years, and Chris is an opera singer from Wichita, Kansas. (HE IS MY FAVORITE). And Steve’s, and Whitney’s…
The final show is tonight. These three men are all in the finals. It’s not that I know music, I’m just every woman in America, I guess. Last night’s performance show was one of the best competition music shows I’ve ever watched. Two performances by Chris Mann were awesome.

And this is what I really wanted to talk about. His two songs.

I’ve heard them before, probably everyone has. Whitney says I have no soul because I don’t get goose bumps when people sing. Nope, no goose bumps but I have tears. And both of these moved me to tears.

The Prayer
Pray you'll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer,
When we lose our way
Lead us to the place,
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe.


Have you ever prayed that? Maybe not those exact words, but the context? “Lord, I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do, help me to make the right decision?”

You Raise Me Up
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.


What do you hunger for? What is your heart restless for?
When you feel the presence of God, are you filled with wonder? Do you get a feeling of peace that makes you glimpse, even for the briefest second what eternity in his presence will be like?

I love when God speaks to me through mediums that are unexpected. When he gives me a little something unplanned.