too much???

this week i enjoyed reading blog posts on the topic of social media and sharing too much. am i guilty of this? should i keep more to myself? share more?

i have pulled way back in the last year. i’m faithful to my blog, but that’s about it. and you know, it’s mostly about running…

i protect my children. i protect my husband. i’m pretty open about me, but it’s my life. i don’t share things that would embarrass or hurt my kids. i try to do the same with steve, and if he’s told me certain subjects not to talk about, i don’t.

i have some thoughts on the subject of social media, but I won’t link back to one of my favorite blogs to participate in posts about social media, even though it’s set up for that, because then other people who don’t already read me might find me and i write for us. always willing to welcome new people, but i don’t go out to drag them here. they have to find me.

i was most interested in the posts about comparison. comparing yourself to others via what you see on social media. it can really make you feel like everyone has it together but you. or the opposite, you can feel pretty good because some people are a real train wreck and willing to share way too much.

i had a day last week where i logged onto facebook and in direct response to everything i saw wanted to post this as my status

“i did not work out today. i fixed frozen lasagna and bagged breadsticks (which i burned) for dinner. i forgot to buy 12 things at the store. it’s 11:30 p.m. and the 3 dozen brownies i’m supposed to take for the volleyball tournament fund raiser tomorrow are just coming out of the oven. there are no clean towels for showers.”

yep, the “i made 14 pints of jelly from berries i picked in my own backyard”? can’t compete. everyday workouts at 4:45 a.m.? not this girl. cornbread from scratch? why??? the jiffy mix is $.50 and with enough butter or dunked in chili you can't hardly tell the difference.

and pinterest - i have a pinterest account. primarily so I can read (stalk) the funny posters that cate pins. and her sister brenda. seriously follow both of them just for that. i can’t handle the perfect houses, the crafts that always turn out right, the recipes that require more than 5 items. i do use the occasional recipe, and lots of workout/running stuff, although every picture from every workout i’ve seen has been fitness models, no real women and can't compare to that. i actually most like pinterest to let my wonderful, creative, exciting, fascinating friends do all the homework for me when it comes to recipes and patterns and humor…thank you all very much.

Twitter – i’m just not clever enough. or exciting enough. it’s too fast paced for me. can’t keep up.

facebook – last weekend i ran a marathon. i shared one beautiful picture with the marathon's page and nothing else. but all the pictures from the fotog were posted. and he’s great. and the pictures of me were unflattering. i loved the ones from the glow run, remember i shared those? pink skirt, black shirt, i thought i looked good.

but i didn’t look good in these marathon pics. awkward angles, least flattering but most comfortable running clothes i own. sports bras are unflattering, and then i strapped a camelback on that didn’t help me look better. i ran for hours (and hours), i was sick, it was all uphill or downhill which made me hold myself at odd angles, the capris and gators made my legs look short and my calves look huge…get the idea? but i didn’t untag myself. on purpose. because when i only post the pretty pictures, i feel dishonest. when i only talk about how well i did, it’s a lie.

i love social media. staying in contact with long distance friends and seeing pictures. tracking my friends when they are running races to see how they are doing and how they finish. i love to read blogs. amateur writers have some of the best stuff to say.

social media is like anything else in life. it should have boundaries. i don’t have a set of boundaries, but i try to be aware and cautious. there are things that i should keep more private and areas where i only paint myself in a good light. but a lesson was learned for me earlier this month when i came across a file folder where i had printed some very upsetting blog posts and emails that had been sent to me. they had been taken down/deleted, but i still had the paper copies. what you say one time in the virtual world is out there forever.

that's what i think about most. whether it lives in someones mind or on paper or just on line, it's out there.

here are my unflattering pictures.

they are on facebook, not from me, and the hawk 100 website so i guess a third place isn't a big deal, right?

Change will do you good

It seems most of my relationships are changing.  Except Sheila - not so much. She is (outside of family) the longest relationship I have, and (including family, to a large extent) the most solid and consistent.

My relationship with Steve has changed and matured and morphed over the years.  Right now I believe he is my biggest supporter, proudest fan, and loves me more than anyone else.  There have been times I wouldn't say that, but there have been times honestly I gave him no reason too.  We've chosen a life together and we are better for sticking with it.

My relationship with Nate the last two years he was home was rocky.  He obeyed the rules, he was respectful, but it very passive aggressive.  He loves me and respects me as his mom, and he never was verbally disrespectful, but it was there.  I chalked it up to growing from boy to man.  And then after he was home at Christmas I got the most beautiful text from him, apologizing for his behavior and the way he left.  "I just was young and immature and had to figure things out on my own.  I'm sorry."  And then, a couple months ago, this one "everything I have that matters I got from you.  Not materially, that doesn't matter.  I know what's really important.  I know how to find the light and how to walk in it, because you taught me".  Oh, I needed to hear that.  To feel like I got it right.  There have been a couple more, but this week he was making a decision about work and asked for advice because "you have years of experience and this is all new to me".  I stood up from my desk and actually said to God "how did I get him?  How did I raise this without screwing it up?"  He's growing into a man that will be respected and admired.  Our relationship is changing.  We are now discussing philosophy books and religion books and all the things he used to laugh at me for - reading for entertainment and personal growth, running for physical and spiritual and mental health...he gets it.  When he asks if I've read something, I love to discuss Don Quixote or Dante's Inferno or the Metamorphoses or the Lost Gospels wth him.

And then there is Whitney.  She will be 16 in August.  I'm teaching her to drive.  Well, Steve and I are.  "Mom, you sit in the back, I'll drive with dad".  And then she looks in the back seat and says "no back seat driving.  Dad will tell me if I do something wrong."  I know more about what she is up to through Twitter.  Like last nights late night sand volleyball tournament with Crystal and another friend (they won).  I knew she was staying with Crystal, didn't know about volleyball (this makes 5 games or practices in the last 3 days).  She is growing up too fast.  But she's still a little girl.  We will get there, it's just hard watching this relationship change.  She should still be my baby.  

I have others, Jenny moved to Boston.  That drastically changed that relationship.  Carrie moved home from Boston, that changed our relationship.  Kelly & Michelle moved to Seattle. 

And then there are the bad relationships, harmful, hurtful, that you just have to cut out.  There are a couple of these.  A person I know that I wish I didn't, I need to cut that one completely  I just don't know how.  Do I tell them I need them to stay away?  Does it need to be addressed?  Can it go away with unresolved hurt?  And a former friend from church that isn't a friend anymore, I think because I have failed miserably in areas of my life that she doesn't know how to deal with.  The last time I talked to her was so stilted and awkward that I'm letting her go too.   


I've been thinking about all my relationships.  Am I what I should be?  Am I the wife; the helper, the submissive one?  Am I mom; not friend or not competitor, but cheerleader, advisor and problem solver where possible?  Am I a true friend?  Do I pay attention to who might need an email or phone call or meet for coffee or a shared aerobics class?  Who needs encouragement?  Do I take the time to offer?

Relationships are not easy.  They take work.  Anything worth having is worth working for.  Relationships, like life have time spent in the valley.  Not perfect, not pain free.  But worth it.

And I want you to know today that when I hit the publish button I prayed for everyone that will read this.  That God will bless you.  Just where you need it.

Giraffes

Denae loves giraffes as much as Whitney loves Simba.  She said that if she could have a giraffe cake it would make her life.  I am so far from a decorator, but I have a lot of fun with it.  For Denae's 16th I made this Texas Sheet Giraffe Birthday Cake (or death by frosting cake, as it is covered in traditional sheet cake frosting about a half inch thick and the giraffe took a recipe and a half of traditional white frosting).

Conversations with Whitney

Whitney is bumped today for Anneshia. 

You know parents and grandparents always want to tell you how smart their kids are?  I'll let you decide.

Neish:  Can I have milk?
Me: (handing her milk) yes, but don't spill it.
Neish: (two seconds later) I spilled it
Me: (heading toward the mess with a towel)
Neish: Whacha doin?
Me: cleaning up your mess.
Neish:  You made a mess?
Me: No, you did.  You spilled your milk.
Neish:  Can I have milk?

Conversations with Whitney

This picture is one that only a mom will really get. It was a mom moment. At my nephews wedding she was sitting a row up with my sister. I looked at her and she's so grown up. And Nate was sitting next to me and he's so grown up. And I realized I will never have that moment again. So I snapped this picture to remember.

This was from rehearsal dinner. From l-r: Brandon, age 21; Jeff, age 19; Nate, age 19; Soffia (the bride), age 22; Cameron, age 23; Whitney, age 15.

And this is just another of her self portraits.

It's your life

I have decided that's my new stand on things. I will love you and support you in your decisions. If they are bad decisions but not immoral or life threatening, I will keep my mouth shut. If they are bad decisions and immoral and life threatening. I may still keep my mouth shut.

Okay, if you are about to get snake bit I will yell, "hey, look out for that snake". And if you tell me you are going to rob a bank or abduct a child or kill your husband, I will try to talk you out of it.

But if you want to buy that horizontal striped dress and wear it, I will let you. No recriminations. (I bought one last weekend, and I love it).

If you want to go on an unhealthy unsustainable weight loss plan, I will let you, without verbally passing judgment and warning you that when you can't sustain it, maintaining weight loss is just as hard as losing.

When you eat that third piece of cake (STELLA) I will let you, but I might tell you to leave the last piece for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I have my life to live, my kids lives to meddle in, and I'm not getting it right.

Whatever your choice is, it's exactly that. YOUR CHOICE. Good luck with that. I get questioned so much on my choices, and I hate it. HATE IT!!

What gives me the right to make you feel the way I feel so many times?

"Do you know how hard running is on your body?"

"You aren't paying your sons way through college?" (Insert paying for ... apartment, car, etc. here)

"You run so much, I thought you would eat healthier than that." (At a birthday luncheon for a co-worker where the healthiest thing on the menu is beer because it's at least made from natural ingredients and can't be fried. Or can it? Has anyone ever had fried beer?)

I can go on (and on and on) with even more personal questions I've been asked.

But I have decided that I no longer will be passing judgment or disagreeing with your life choices. I don't much anyway, I'm pretty opinionated, but leave me alone, I'll leave you alone, on the stuff that isn't going to affect your well being, spiritual or physical at least.

So if I make you feel bad, become holier-than-thou, go all super Christian, the honorable Judge Judgemental, tell me to stop it.

You have my permission.

It's your life.

You know you love me, right?

One of those days that I'm quite sure either only I have, or only I will share. So in effort to make you all feel good about yourselves, here I am in one of my it-could-only-happen-to-me awkward moments.

It's a Monday night, school night, work night, nothing unusual. I can't sleep. Not the I'm tossing and turning and can't fall asleep, but the I'm ticked at Steve because I can hear him breathing. Not snoring. Not breathing hard. He's just breathing.

I grab a sheet and go to the couch, I stop and take a Tylenol P.M. and turn on the Golden Girls, because I always fall asleep when I'm watching them.

At 3:20 a.m. someone comes in my front door. I sit up, and it's Nate and Taite. I'm fairly sure (as sure as I can be) in my tylenol-golden girls induced stupor that I must be dreaming. BUT NO! Surprise Mom! Happy Mother's Day. YAY!!!

And I realize I am woefully, inadequately, inappropriately dressed. Have you seen the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition? She's wearing more than me. The Time Magazine woman wearing her three year old? Yep. She's wearing more than me. So I wrap my sheet capelike around myself and my inadequate nightclothes and go to my room to get my robe. I'm thinking about not coming out, ever. But I do.

Taite is watching television and/or his cell phone, and Nate is making a turkey, light miracle whip and pickle sandwich. You know, it's good to be back in mom's fridge. He tells me his plans for today, to sleep, go see Claire (Hannah's little sister) play softball in the Heights Regional Tournament with Hannah, and then come back by home for the evening before him and Taite leave.


So what do I say???

I'll try and make sure I'm fully clothed?

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, she, thought, I am that mom.

That mom that takes 5 kids to the grocery store at 5:30 in the afternoon, the busiest time of the day. The mom with 5 kids all talking and trying to tell her about their day. Not loud, but just 5 of them make more noise than 1 does. And they take up more room than 1.

She really doesn’t enjoy taking them to the store with her. Well, that’s not true, she loves having them with her. She doesn’t like the judgment of the other patrons.

Yes, the baby has a snotty nose. She is teething. She is not sick or contagious, and she won’t touch anything that you will, you won't be contaminated.

Yes, my husband could watch them, if he wasn't working full time and going to school full time. Even if he is home, he’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open and watching five rambunctious kids is trying on even the most patient person. And after leaving the kids at school and with a sitter all week while she works, she hates to leave them more and pay more for child care.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that forgot about the diarama of Charlotte’s Web due in 4th grade English. The mom that will now sit up with her 9 year old two hours past bedtime making a pig out of a wooden thread spindle, pipe cleaners and googly eyes because mom has known about it for two weeks, but forgot about it, and there is no way the 4th grader can do it on his own in time. And it’s 50% of the grade (why do teachers do that? Do they not have kids of their own?) It’s also a big deal to him to have a diarama on display in the class.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That looks at the clock and calculates that after she finishes the laundry because she hadn’t washed the baseball uniform (for the last three games, and he is the catcher, and the socks really are so stiff that they are standing up on their own and it was muddy at the last game) and packs lunches the baby will be waking up for midnight feeding and then, when she can finally lay down she might get 4 hours of sleep.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that has heard “why did you have five kids if you can’t keep up”. She never answers “I didn’t plan too.” Never responds that she does know what causes it and she knows what birth control is. Yes, she has a television. Three of her kids are stepdaughters that she loves so much it hurts, but constantly is under attack by them and their parents because she doesn’t parent them correctly. As unfair as it is, you are allowed to make mistakes with your own kids. It's accepted, even expected, even by the kids. On the other hand, perfection is required as stepmom. The other two kids, well, she knows three methods of birth control that don’t work. God really wanted her to have those babies. And she is so glad. So thankful.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that has willingly given up even more sleep to sit outside her kids bedrooms and pray for them all night the night before a test or volleyball tryouts or state tournaments or debate or court dates.

The mom that has sat in the bleachers in a heavy coat, hat, gloves while wrapped in two blankets because she might miss a hit, or a throw to second base. And every single moment is precious.


Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that would give anything to take 5 kids to the store again. That would love to make a diarama of anything. The mom that still spends hours praying the night before finals or a job interview. That cries harder when her adult children hurt than over any pain she has ever felt for herself.

The mom that has to not help because while that is what she wants to do more than anything, her help causes more harm in the long run. The mom that has to watch the hard lessons being learned while it tears at her, because being mom is the hardest, but most rewarding and worthwhile thing she has ever done.


Happy Mother’s Day to every woman who has ever loved a child, their's or someone else's.

On some level, if you've loved a child, you get this.

My Kids

Kari, age 23

Amanda, age 21

Ashley, age 20

Nate, age 19 (pictured with two of my nephews and soon to be niece-in-law)

Whitney, age 15

Anneshia, age 3

Mia, age 22 months

Steven, age 5 months

And Crist, age 4, our Nicaraguan son through World Vision for two and a half years. I have a shoebox for letters and pictures. I love him too.

In my corner

I decided not to run the marathon yesterday. I decided that on Thursday night. It was the right decision, but I really wished I was running. I ran back and forth to the aid stations to take care of Steve. He did awesome. I'm so proud of him.

I went into Lawrence to take Nate to lunch, but he wasn't hungry. So I took him to Target and bought him stuff to fix his own dinner. And some other stuff too. Spent an hour with him, love him and MISS HIM SO MUCH! He's a good boy, I'm so proud of him.

Whitney told me Monday after the last volleyball tournament that she was tired of being sore. Her arm and shoulder hurt. So she dropped the track team. I'm so proud of her. Love this girl. I have all kinds of time for me now that there are no volleyball practices, tournaments or track meets. I might get back on a good training schedule. (I printed a new one today, I'm very excited.)

This is her track/Hunger Games hair style. My nephew says her Hunger Games name is Whitness.

Zoey Avanell

I’m going to break one of my blogging rules and talk about my youngest stepdaughter. I generally don’t say much about my stepdaughters because I don’t feel it’s my place to share their lives on my blog. Ashley has had a rough couple of years. Much of it self-inflicted and she knows that and owns it. Bad decisions render bad results. She has really turned things around and is working really hard right now.

Ashley will be 20 in April, she is Mia’s mom, Mia will be 2 in July. Last fall Ashley called Steve and told him she was pregnant again. She didn’t want to call him. She didn’t want to be pregnant. She didn’t want to raise another child. She told us she was going to put the baby up for adoption.

She found a family, but that fell through rather quickly. I know 4 families that would like to adopt a baby. So Ashley called me and asked if I would check with them. But I had this weird feeling that I should contact someone other than any of these 4.

My college roommate is my age, but is in a much different place in life. (I don’t meant the fact that she lives in Bakersfield, CA either.) Rebecca has a wonderful husband and a 6 year old son. God, who we recognize his wisdom in this situation and Rebecca definitely seeks to follow God’s will, had chosen not to bless them with another child. Rebecca really wanted one, and was struggling with stuff that went along with this disappointment, including a couple miscarriages. I can’t imagine the feelings of loss. (And I didn’t know how bad it was, I did know about it.)

She had planned to attend a Grief Share Support Group to help her deal with these feelings. And the night of her first meeting, while she was sitting in the meeting, she got a text from me asking if they had ever considered adopting. She said yes, but there are so many things that make it difficult. I asked her if she would be interested if I could give her a baby in March. She asked if I was kidding.

Here we are on March 13th, and Rebecca was in the delivery room today with Ashley (dad Justin opted to hang out in the waiting room with big brother Josh) when Zoey Avanell Dyck entered the world. 7 lbs 19 ¾ inches.

He sees me beautiful

Isaiah 61 has been a favorite passage of scripture for a long time. I love the first four verses, actually memorized them a few years ago in a non-KJV for a Bible Study. That was a challenge.

I read it tonight and was really touched by these verses, (and I'll admit, convicted). I didn't expect this time of year to be as rough for me as it has been. So many triggered memories that I don't know how to deal with, don't want, and never know when they are coming. I deal, the best I can. This includes Bible, running, talking to people close to me that love me, and avoiding what I know brings me down.

Verse two says "He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD’s favor has come


I realize contextually this is not addressing me in my current situation. But I went back and read it again and had the thought that maybe the Lord is telling me it's time. Time to (my frequently used Lion King reference, can't help myself) put my behind in my past. It really is the past. I'm not there, Steve's not there, Nate's not there, Whitney's not there. We are here and now. I'm not where I thought I would be this spring. My life changed dramatically last year and I have accepted that that is okay. That God gives beauty for ashes, blessing instead of mourning, praise instead of despair.

Then I got to verse 10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels.

I was beautiful on my wedding day. And that is the way that my Lord sees me. That is the way he dressed me with Salvation and Righteousness. There is good news for the oppressed. There is joy in our Lord.

Good News for the Oppressed
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me,
for the LORD has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.[a]
2 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the LORD’s favor has come,[b]
and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.
3 To all who mourn in Israel,[c]
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the LORD has planted for his own glory.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins,
repairing cities destroyed long ago.
They will revive them,
though they have been deserted for many generations.
5 Foreigners will be your servants.
They will feed your flocks
and plow your fields
and tend your vineyards.
6 You will be called priests of the LORD,
ministers of our God.
You will feed on the treasures of the nations
and boast in their riches.
7 Instead of shame and dishonor,
you will enjoy a double share of honor.
You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.

8 “For I, the LORD, love justice.
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their descendants will be recognized
and honored among the nations.
Everyone will realize that they are a people
the LORD has blessed.”

10 I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God!
For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation
and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit
or a bride with her jewels.
11 The Sovereign LORD will show his justice to the nations of the world.
Everyone will praise him!
His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring,
with plants springing up everywhere.

In My Corner

Dinner with Rebecca, she's in town for another week. (More on that later this week).

Six basketball games (it was a lot of good basketball and a lot of fun).

Heights Falcons boys 4 times in a row state champions, Girls two times in a row.

If you look carefully, you can see Whitney on the far end at the left. Caused some controversy because only Seniors get to sit on the front row of the senior section and her and Denae bucked that tradition.

Eight volleyball games.

This really is about all I got done.

Spit up and Smiles

I sit in the stands of the state high school basketball tournament games drinking my contraband smuggled in diet coke because the concession stand only sells diet pepsi. My eyes drift from the game to the student section three sections over. The 15 year old version of me sticks out with her bright eyes, smiling face and her long red hair. Oh and how she resembles me. My eyes and nose and features. My skin tone and hair. Expressions. The smile? That’s all her dad. But every other time her mouth opens it’s me. Victory face in volleyball, rolling the eyes, sarcastic comments, and it’s a perfect size 8.5, just like mine. (Matches our feet.)

She has more confidence than me. Not just then I had at that age, I think she has more confidence then I do now. Pink boots, gray yoga pants, Heights baseball tee shirt, circa 2009 (which makes it retro and way cool) and hoodie. Perfect top teeth, braces on the bottom.

I see her, head thrown back, mouth wide open in a laugh. I see her lean over and talk in Madeline’s ear. Not because it’s a secret, but because it’s loud right there next to the band. When I look again she’s with Claire. And the next time with Denae. Her circle. Her friends.

I think about volleyball practice earlier this week. The girls were playing 4 on 4. Joe and I decided to make it 5 on 5, me on Whitney’s team and him on Denae’s. And I played back row only. Was doing okay. I’m out of practice, but in good shape. Then Abby’s dad and Denae’s mom made it full teams of 6. And my little Whitney told me where to cover, this is my “base area”, followed by “never mind, mom, I’ll cover for you”. And then she did. As did Keeley and Abby. Which was sweet, but then they started setting Denae’s mom. And letting her dive for the ball. This was confusing, because I’m in better shape. I’m still athletic. I’m tough, I played competitively up till 3 years ago. I didn’t recently break my finger playing volleyball and end up with surgery and pins in it and 5 weeks off from work to recover.

Somehow Whitney felt the need to protect me. And her friends followed her lead in that. Honestly I was touched, not insulted.

Her life has so much promise. It’s all ahead of her. She’s been hurt. Life has handed her some rough situations to deal with early on. Which is why she is so tough already. And I’m overwhelmed with child-woman I see across the crowd, the responsibility I still have to guide her into adulthood, and the hope that life sees her as wonderful as I do.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately, by the time you know that you are knee deep in spit up and smiles, ear aches and adventures in living room furniture tent camping, mac n cheese and hot dogs, backpacks and first days of school and their first taste of freedom as someone else begins to speak into their lives.

As a 15 year old sophomore, she still surprises me. This wonder that tells her dad she wants to be an anesthesioligist and tells me she wants to work at Hooters. That asks for Little Debbie snack cakes and black beans and rice. That gets excited about Lion King (and Lion King II and Lion King 1 1/2). That knows more about the ways of the world than I would ever want her to know and yet is strangely innocent. That tried out for the track team and not like last time, eighth grade year as a manager, this year she’s throwing the Javelin on the JV team. Woooo hoooo, Go Falcons! My two sport athlete.

Whitney's view

My mom doesn’t have feelings, (except for anger at me when I don’t get out of bed). And dad can do ANYTHING and she never gets mad at him.

I really think she doesn’t like to sleep because she stays up later than me and is always up before I am and then she gets angry at me for wanting to sleep longer. She also doesn’t like it when I sleep during the day. Says something stupid like I won’t sleep at night. I don’t really listen.


She eats weird too. She likes the crunchy edges of the brownies and she always wants the burnt grilled cheese sandwich or the steak that has charred edges. Dad and I don’t like them, so it’s a good thing mom does.

Somehow she runs 4 days a week and goes to Zumba classes twice a week and lets me and Nate and Dad eat over half her food and yet she still never gets any skinnier. I think she says it’s something to do with her metabolism and having babies and genetics, but secretly I think she’s eating candy bars all day at work.

She must really like to cook because there are days where we have NO.FOOD.IN.THE.HOUSE. But she can go in and make a 5 course meal with ground beef, a bag of potatoes, corn, flour and sugar.

She doesn’t know what fun is. She never wants me to have a good time. I think it’s because she thinks laundry and vacuuming and dishes are fun, and that’s what she wants me to do all the time. She never goes to movies or just hangs out with her friends. She sees her friends watching me play volleyball or running with them, and once a month she goes out to eat with friends, but they just talk and eat and then go home.

She never wants new clothes and shoes. She likes her old stuff. She hates when it gets holes and wears out. She also has quit growing and never loses weight no matter how hard she exercises, so her stuff fits forever. Good thing she likes old stuff.

I see her cry once in a while, but not very much. Sometimes when she really misses Nate. Or if someone hurts her feelings. She thinks I don’t know, but I can tell. But then she comes out of her bedroom or the laundry room and I can tell she’s okay. Or she pretends really good.

She just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be in high school. She’s really old.

Priceless

tank of gas $49.01
burgers and fries at Freddy's $30.64
eating it across the table from Nate...
hearing his laugh...
hugging him...
PRICELESS

What are you giving up for Lent?

As a Christian girl with deep roots in the Baptist faith, I have never participated in the sacrificial religious experience of Lent. But every year I participate in the question "what are you giving up for lent"? Because as a Christian, people tend to think that I will. We had the discussion at work yesterday, as it was Fat Tuesday. Today being Ash Wednesday and all, you have to know what you are giving up.

Whitney was watching a really bizarre show last night "My Strange Addiction". Have you seen it? This episode featured a guy in an intimate relationship with his car (named "Chase" hahahahaha) and a woman who snorts baby powder. Up her nose like cocaine. Next episode was a woman who eats cat food and something about moth balls. I had chores, I didn't watch. But these people need to be giving some stuff up.

I realized this morning taking Whitney to school that I need to give up my mild road rage. Not just for lent, but for all time.

There are a couple of other things in my life I need to give up for good. I'm not talking diet coke or facebook. Not even for Lent.

But I'm not going to share details because they are both deeply personal and this is a pretty public forum. When it used to be just me and 12 people who loved me I probably would have shared.

More than likely some of you would laugh at me, (which I'm okay with) and many of you wouldn't find these destructive behaviors. But they are FOR ME. I know they are. One of them causes me emotional pain. And yet I continue to wallow in it like life doesn't have enough pain on its own.

I figure today is as good a day as any other to start.

I'm letting go of something that's harmful to me, that doesn't bring me anything positive or good in life, and yet...

I'm struggling with giving it up. The part of me that enjoys the physical pain inflicted on myself running 20 miles must carry over into my emotional world too.

So here's to change. Not just for 40 days, but for life.

And I can do it, because

"I can do all things through Christ because he gives me strength". Philippians 4:13

"God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient". Colossians 1:11

Looking forward

I was looking at my calendar today and it’s going to be a busy fun filled year. I thought about last night as I counseled one of my kids about “crap jobs” and “doing something they love”. I understand crap jobs and wanting to do something you love. But sometimes the things you love you can’t make a living at. I can’t make enough any money running, writing or reading (my 3 R’s), the things I love to do. But I have a job where I can make enough money so that I can have and do the things I love. My advice was you don’t have to have it all figured out and if a job pays you it’s not a crap job. Do the things you love, work the job you have. And never feel stuck. Change can be good.

Here are some of the things I’m looking forward to, and if we don't get to all of them, will have a good time with what we do get to.

We have tickets to the OKC Thunder/Boston Celtics basketball game Wednesday this week.

KC for Whitney’s Silver Heart volleyball tournament next weekend. (We drive through Lawrence, I get to see Nate).

March 16 – 20 is our Spring Break trip to Dallas with Whitney and Denae. Whitney hates spring break after the last two years, so I’m redeeming spring break and making it fun again. Includes but not limited to Mavericks/Spurs game, Six Flags and the Galleria Mall.

April is the Rockin K Marathon/50 Miler

April is also the Free State Trail Marathon/100K (in Lawrence, I get to see Nate)

May is Westminster, CO for my nephew’s wedding (and some trail running for Steve in the mountains and some sight seeing and the Rockies are in town that weekend) Nate’s going with us. Yay

June is the Black Hills 100 mile race in South Dakota and Steve is pacing a friend who is running this. It’s not his first 100 mile attempt, but it will be his first completion.

July is KC for Coleen’s Sweat Fat Ass 50K (I’m thinking of trying all 50 K’s, but don’t hold me to that). We drive through Lawrence…

August Steve is wait listed for the Cascade Crest 100 in Seattle, but has a decent shot of getting in, so he’s training for it, just in case. If he doesn’t get in then he’s just ready for the next two.

September is the Hawk Marathon/50 Mile/100 Mile race. Again in Lawrence…

October is the Heartland 100

November is a long weekend in KC for a marathon and an early birthday celebration for me. I want a big to do with Steve and Whitney this year. Yep, through Lawrence again.

I realize out of my 11 highlights 7 are races. And 6 are times I get to see Nate (I will see him more than that). All things I love.

In my corner

Three zumba classes...I'm no longer lost. However, when I get to a sequence I know and can do well, I want to keep doing it while the class moves on. Two short runs, 2.5 miles of speedwork and a 15 mile long run on the trail.

First club volleyball tournament. Whitney played great. You know I'll be sharing pictures. Team needs some work, but show a lot of promise. Coach Joe Barber, large black man, fireman when he is not coaching volleyball, looked terribly cute in his black, red and white polka dot headband that matched the girls hair ribbons.

Whitney has a fever blister. Ruining her life.

I ate the biggest, fattest, sweetest grapefruit I've had in months. Worth talking about, it was that good.

Nate had to file a tax return for the first time ever. He made way more money than I thought he did last year.

Had dinner and Starbucks after with my sister.

I just complained about doing dishes. (There's only three of us where there used to be seven, and yet I complained). Steve was very helpful. He told me to throw them away and buy new ones.

Missing

I got an alarming text Monday night, a prayer request from my friend Sheila. A close family member is missing. Last seen Monday night getting into a green van after school. On the south side of Wichita. She's a 16 year old sophomore.

Sydney is the girl in the front, her cousin Madison is also in the picture. Remember when I hit rewind and went to see my friend in his band back from the college days? Sydney is his daughter.

I would like to ask you all to pray for her safe return. At this point, no one knows where she is, who she's with, why she is gone. No one has heard a word from her since Monday.

Thank you.

Of opossums and pills

I woke up late this morning. The effects of too much weekend, early wake ups on Saturday and Sunday, the 13 mile run, the zumba class…

Add to that my stress shoulder is stressed again. I was in pain and disgruntled about having to call the doctor and get a refill of my muscle relaxer or next step to the chiropractor when I found my prescription bottle. Still had two pills. And six refills left. So I took a pill and called the pharmacy. And was relieved that she gave me six refills for a year because it let me know this was something the doctor knew wouldn’t go away immediately. They don’t make me drowsy, but I sleep like I’m dead. And while it may not be dreamless, no dreams woke me or kept me awake, at least not that I remember.

But if I could figure out how to dream in full length novels I would have a writing career.

Back to my late morning. As I finish up with hair and make up I think to peek in Whitney’s room and she is still NOT OUT OF BED! I raise my voice (yell), tell her she has 15 minutes to be ready (she doesn’t make it) and head to the kitchen to pack lunches. I pack both hers and mine and throw some extra crap in hers so she can eat it for breakfast or between classes because I think she has late lunch today, not till 1:00. Then I go to take the trash out to the curb. Usually I do this on Sunday nights, but it was so windy that it blows the trash cart over. And my trash cart is full and heavy, but it was just that windy. The bungee cord that holds the lid down is broken so when the cart blows over the trash spills. The trash bags are all securely fastened, but we live really close to nature and the wild animals (skunks, opossums and raccoons) rip into the bags for our garbage. After Steve and Whitney watched the episode of “Infested” (I happened to be in the room) where the opossums took over the girls apartment and she ended up in the hospital with typhus I’m still a little freaked out, I hate opossums, so I waited till this morning to drag the trash out.

Twenty-five minutes after my fifteen minute deadline Whitney makes it to the car. I go back in to get her lunch and grab an extra pony tail holder while I’m in there because it takes two to hold her 15 pounds of hair.

And then...I get a notification on facebook (Shout out to Belinda for the encouraging words, much needed and appreciated) “Good morning, I don’t want you to have FACEBOOK envy. (a post for another time) You are going to have a special week because you are a daughter of the King. Keep pressing on to know Him. Love you."

What a great reminder.

Also got a reminder from Whit that I’m out of altoids and that dad saves the last one for her.