another year older...

i am another year older. another year wiser. another year stronger.

and i am glad i'm another year older. am i the only one who gets reflective around my birthday(s)?

the weekend before thankgsgiving i had the chance to think about my age and place in life.

whitney and i went to target. as we were walking out i saw a family heading in. brought back memories, i wanted to laugh so bad. the dad was walking a little ahead of the family, only because he was taller and walked faster (or so i choose to believe) and looked like he would rather be anyplace else. the mom was pushing a cart into the store holding a baby down in the child seat so he wouldn't stand up. another child was hanging off the edge of the cart and two elementary age children were walking with her with one saying, "mom, can i have, can i have..."

i was walking out of the store with whitney holding the keys (because she drives us everywhere) carrying the bag with our four purchases, my bunch of broccoli for broccoli slaw and saline solution and her two birthday gifts for friends that she paid for.

i have loved every stage of my kids lives; babies to teenagers. every stage was precious. from poopy diapers and sleepless nights to elementary age missing two front teeth to the awkward middle school years with their little round baby fat faces and know it all attitudes to high school activities and first dates and heartbreaks and more sleepless nights.

i love the adult children stage. my kids are awesome. not for anything they do or have done. not for their amazing accomplishments at young ages. but for who they are. for what they have learned. for how they behave. they've all screwed up. made bad decisions. but they have learned (or are learning) from them. will they ever be perfect? heck no, (they are my kids, after all). and i'm happy to turn their lives over to them, with the knowledge that though none of us are perfect, i did the very best i could, and i trust that they will continue to grow and learn knowing that i'm so proud of them i could bust.

second example, (must remember to run with headphones) running the turkey trot i was in front of two 20 year old something women on the bike path. i was not eavesdropping. i would've done anything to have not been able to hear them. but they were talking about a 42 year old woman one of them works with and a situation in her life. conversation went something like this:

"yeh, she's 42. doesn't she know how old she is?'
"i know. at some point your body is just too old for some stuff. what was she thinking"

at this point i put my 4 months of sprint training into place and ran off and left them in my dust, with my 44 years and 11 month old body. when i finished the race and looked at final results i am proud to say that in my age group the girls represented. i was 51 out 55 in the 41 - 45 year old age group. that means 51 women 41 or older outran their young butts. i really get that running is something you train for and this was most likely not the first 10 miler that the majority of the 55 women ran, while i know it was one of these 20 somethings first.

here's the thing, i bet all 55 of us know EXACTLY how old we are, and we know what our bodies are capable of. and there were many many many 20 somethings ahead of me. i'm okay with that. and you can think i'm old. just don't tell me what i'm capable of. because i can do anything. better than i could back in the day.

starting line of the turkey trot

i've quote my friend carrie here before, but it's worth repeating because it is so true.

my 44 year old marathon running tire flipping push up doing bear crawling hill sprinting child bearing calorie counting body would kick my 21 year old butt.

i kind of live quoting scriptures to myself, and this one for working out and running does push me along.

ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

so today, on my birthday, i celebrate. every milestone. every experience.

and look forward to next year.

i would love new earphones for my birthday.

in the garden

i was in hobby lobby a couple weeks ago. they play old school christian music. hymns. as i was wandering around, i dialed in to a specific song they were playing.

instantly the memories flooded over me. i teared up just that fast. thankful for large sunglasses.

i could see her, wheelchair pulled up to the piano, gnarled arthritic fingers slowly playing the chords by memory.

i could hear the thin wavering soprano voice, warbling almost,

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.


she's been gone 15 years. this song always transports me back. my grandma loved jesus. more than anything. it was evident.

she lived a hard life, through world war ii and the depression. two sons died while in high school, hit by a drunk driver and killed at 14 and 18. her husband died while my mom was still in high school. another son took his own life 20 years ago.

and yet at the end of her life she loved jesus more than ever. i think she knew she was getting closer.

and when she sang this song, i really thought she knew what it meant to walk and talk with jesus.

this song and puffed wheat cereal. gets me everytime. i know someday i'll see her in heaven.

i'm so thankful for the legacy of god fearing parents and grandparents. i hope i pass that on to my kids. they may stray for a while, but i hope and pray they grow back to him. cause a life without him has no hope.

Wander Weekend

Steve and I just spent a wonderful weekend in Sturgis, South Dakota.  After Denver and now the Black Hills, I could become a mountain girl.  Loved it.  We went so Steve could pace his friend Mark at the Black Hills 100 Trail  Ultramarathon. 

We went to Hill City, which is a really neat little town.  We ate at interesting and delicious restaurants.  Everything from high class casino restaurant in Deadwood to Roscos diner in Sturgis and the Branding Iron at the Nemo Guest Ranch. 

And the Sturgis Coffee Company was the best place I've ever gotten a cup of coffee or an iced tea.

We saw Mt. Rushmore and Mt. Crazy Horse.

Carolyn and I at the starting line. 5:30 a.m., on less than 4 hours of sleep.

    

We drove to all the aid stations on Friday to have an idea of where we were going so we wouldn't get lost on Saturday. Steve took a little jaunt up the trail. It was so beautiful there.

And in true adventure woman fashion, I had time to climb the mountain. Steve went with me this time. When we came to the barbed wire fence he didn't think we should keep climbing, but he gave in to me and we kept going up. We crossed the trail the runners were on about 20 feet above the fence, so we knew we weren't trespassing so we felt a little better and continued up.

We had to deal with very slippery footing because the pine trees had lost their needles and they were dead and all over the ground. You couldn't use the downed trees for footing because they had been down for so long they were completely dead and when you stepped on them they turned to dust under your feet.

We were about halfway up when Steve told me he wasn't sure we could get all the way to the ridge line.  I was hot, sweaty and out of breath, but I told him we were going to the top.  I don't get to do many things that are exciting and hard and make me feel a great feeling of accomplishment.  I was getting to the ridge.  So he climbed in front of me, told me where to put my feet, what route was best and what rock was loose and not to climb on.  I really did listen and look, and yet still grabbed that rock and fell on the mountain.  It earned me this.  

When we reached the top, this was our view.  It took 80 minutes to climb up and then get back down, to give you an idea of how high it was.  I was so happy Steve climbed with me and got to see this.

This is a bluff that we went out on and looked down the moutain. 

I took this standing at the car.  It's so different then what I'm used to seeing.  God is really quite an artist.

It was an interesting experience.  Steve was dressed and geared up and ready to start running at the 50 mile mark.  He was so excited to get out on the course.  Mark however, had run an extremely challenging course in 90 degree weather and at mile 50 he dropped out of the race.  We had been at the aid stations with my new friend Al from Ontario whose wife, Linda was running the race and Dan, who's girlfriend Stephanie was running the race. 

Linda is a real powerhouse.  Steve asked her if she would like a pacer for the last 50 miles.  She said sure.  Since they were driving home to Ontario when she finished the race, Al asked since I was going to be there for Steve would I crew Linda and let him get some sleep.  I said yes, and then Dan was planning to run with Stephanie and had no one to drive his car, so Steve had a runner, I had two runners to crew and a car, so all was good.

And then everything went wrong.  Stephanie pulled out at mile 57.  I got asked to take Annoying Bob back to the start line also because he had dropped as well.  (Bob was only annoying because I was tired and cranky).  So we drove back to Dan's hotel and the start line and dropped them off and then I went back to the woods to check on Steve and Linda.  Missed them at the Nemo aid station, but picked up their stuff and went to the next one.

I expected them in about 2 hours, around 3:40 a.m.  At 4:00 they weren't there, and as time went on toward the 5:00 cut off, I got nervous and then worried and then downright scared.  I talked to the aid station volunteers who had no idea what the plan was for lost runners.  I was the only one of the volunteers or crew members that looked healthy enough to trek up the trail and look for them, but then I figured that there would just be one more lost person in the woods.  I drove to the next aid stations looking for the race director, trying to find out who would go after them.

I found no one who knew anything.  Now I'm frantic, imagining Linda going over the bluff, Steve trying to save her and both rolling to the bottom, a pack of mountain lions eating them, a broken leg, rattlesnake nests (I had 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, I was beyond myself).  As I was pulling back in I saw her red shirt and Steve's green shirt.  The trail was not marked well and after 70 miles and in the dark, it was even more confusing.  They ran an extra 7 miles and missed the cutoff time and Linda's race was over and Steve still had 29 miles of trail he wanted to see.

I was immensely relieved, thanked God for bringing them out of the trail.

We went sightseeing Sunday afternoon in Custer National Park.  Loved the buffalo.

Monday flew home.  So happy to be home.  I loved the trip, the experience, the people and the adventure.  Looking forward to the next one.  But SO SO happy to be home.

Losing the competition but claiming the prize

I was told the other day that IT IS a competition and I am not the winner. 

I agreed. 

I don't win much. 

I'm at the end of the pack.  I'm a slow finisher.  That's when I'm actually  in the race.  I'm content to be on the sideline a lot of times.

When I'm in the competition, I try.  I try hard at everything I do. I try to be kind and loving and forgiving.  I fail.  I lose.  But I keep trying.  I try really hard not to be mean and be offensive, and yet I still offend people.  It's gonna happen.  And I try to apologize if I can. 

But back to not winning.  I thought about it.  And it bothered me.  Is it okay if I admit that someone that shouldn't be able to hurt me anymore still can?  That I'm still not over something that happened a while ago?  I'm a slow healer.  Being called a loser hurt.  Okay, putting words out that weren't said.  I was called "not the winner of a competition". 

I realized I control this.  I can cut this completely out of my life.  So with this post, it is done.  No more room in my life for this individual, whether it's kind and complimentary emails (I don't have to open them, I have a delete button) or ugly blog posts about me.

I accept I am not the winner of the competition. 

I'm not the winner. 

But I got the prize.  Several actually.

I have a husband I adore.
I have children that I think the sun rises and sets on. 

These two above would be more than enough in one life.  But...

I have a job that pays enough. And provides incredible insurance.
I like what I see in the mirror, from head to toe.  (inside and outside) 
More material possessions than I need.
I am stronger physically, mentally and spiritually now then I was 10/20 years ago.

I have a do over everytime I need it with God.  He forgives and lets me start over.  And in his eyes, I am a winner. 

So if I have offended you with my words, email me or text me or post a comment.  I'll do what I can to make it right.  Because hurt and offense are never my intention.  Life is hard enough without me inflicting more damage with words. 

What about you? 

Are you winning?

Or do you just have the prize.

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, she, thought, I am that mom.

That mom that takes 5 kids to the grocery store at 5:30 in the afternoon, the busiest time of the day. The mom with 5 kids all talking and trying to tell her about their day. Not loud, but just 5 of them make more noise than 1 does. And they take up more room than 1.

She really doesn’t enjoy taking them to the store with her. Well, that’s not true, she loves having them with her. She doesn’t like the judgment of the other patrons.

Yes, the baby has a snotty nose. She is teething. She is not sick or contagious, and she won’t touch anything that you will, you won't be contaminated.

Yes, my husband could watch them, if he wasn't working full time and going to school full time. Even if he is home, he’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open and watching five rambunctious kids is trying on even the most patient person. And after leaving the kids at school and with a sitter all week while she works, she hates to leave them more and pay more for child care.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that forgot about the diarama of Charlotte’s Web due in 4th grade English. The mom that will now sit up with her 9 year old two hours past bedtime making a pig out of a wooden thread spindle, pipe cleaners and googly eyes because mom has known about it for two weeks, but forgot about it, and there is no way the 4th grader can do it on his own in time. And it’s 50% of the grade (why do teachers do that? Do they not have kids of their own?) It’s also a big deal to him to have a diarama on display in the class.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That looks at the clock and calculates that after she finishes the laundry because she hadn’t washed the baseball uniform (for the last three games, and he is the catcher, and the socks really are so stiff that they are standing up on their own and it was muddy at the last game) and packs lunches the baby will be waking up for midnight feeding and then, when she can finally lay down she might get 4 hours of sleep.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that has heard “why did you have five kids if you can’t keep up”. She never answers “I didn’t plan too.” Never responds that she does know what causes it and she knows what birth control is. Yes, she has a television. Three of her kids are stepdaughters that she loves so much it hurts, but constantly is under attack by them and their parents because she doesn’t parent them correctly. As unfair as it is, you are allowed to make mistakes with your own kids. It's accepted, even expected, even by the kids. On the other hand, perfection is required as stepmom. The other two kids, well, she knows three methods of birth control that don’t work. God really wanted her to have those babies. And she is so glad. So thankful.

Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

That mom that has willingly given up even more sleep to sit outside her kids bedrooms and pray for them all night the night before a test or volleyball tryouts or state tournaments or debate or court dates.

The mom that has sat in the bleachers in a heavy coat, hat, gloves while wrapped in two blankets because she might miss a hit, or a throw to second base. And every single moment is precious.


Yes, she thought, I am that mom.

The mom that would give anything to take 5 kids to the store again. That would love to make a diarama of anything. The mom that still spends hours praying the night before finals or a job interview. That cries harder when her adult children hurt than over any pain she has ever felt for herself.

The mom that has to not help because while that is what she wants to do more than anything, her help causes more harm in the long run. The mom that has to watch the hard lessons being learned while it tears at her, because being mom is the hardest, but most rewarding and worthwhile thing she has ever done.


Happy Mother’s Day to every woman who has ever loved a child, their's or someone else's.

On some level, if you've loved a child, you get this.

My Kids

Kari, age 23

Amanda, age 21

Ashley, age 20

Nate, age 19 (pictured with two of my nephews and soon to be niece-in-law)

Whitney, age 15

Anneshia, age 3

Mia, age 22 months

Steven, age 5 months

And Crist, age 4, our Nicaraguan son through World Vision for two and a half years. I have a shoebox for letters and pictures. I love him too.

The Voice

It’s a reality/game show on television with vocalists performing to win a recording contract. Unlike the many others on television you don’t see people sing who shouldn’t. You don’t ever wonder why they are humiliating people. You truly see talented individuals on the stage. If you haven’t seen it, a quick description, 4 judges sit with their backs turned to the stage, and judge only on the voice. The contestant comes out and sings. The judges have buttons that spin their chair around. If they turn to you, you are selected to go to the next round on their team. If more than one judge turns, you get to choose your judge. The judges are current music artists.

This round is the blind auditions. We watched them and I had 3 favorites. Jermaine was a backup singer for Alicia Keys, Tony is a former Mousketeer and has been performing acoustically for years, and Chris is an opera singer from Wichita, Kansas. (HE IS MY FAVORITE). And Steve’s, and Whitney’s…
The final show is tonight. These three men are all in the finals. It’s not that I know music, I’m just every woman in America, I guess. Last night’s performance show was one of the best competition music shows I’ve ever watched. Two performances by Chris Mann were awesome.

And this is what I really wanted to talk about. His two songs.

I’ve heard them before, probably everyone has. Whitney says I have no soul because I don’t get goose bumps when people sing. Nope, no goose bumps but I have tears. And both of these moved me to tears.

The Prayer
Pray you'll be our eyes,
and watch us where we go
And help us to be wise,
In times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer,
When we lose our way
Lead us to the place,
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe.


Have you ever prayed that? Maybe not those exact words, but the context? “Lord, I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do, help me to make the right decision?”

You Raise Me Up
There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.


What do you hunger for? What is your heart restless for?
When you feel the presence of God, are you filled with wonder? Do you get a feeling of peace that makes you glimpse, even for the briefest second what eternity in his presence will be like?

I love when God speaks to me through mediums that are unexpected. When he gives me a little something unplanned.

Running, Beer, Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and Tornadoes

These have something in common. Saturday night.

One of Steve’s ultra-running friends is a Team In Training coach. Team In Training is a running organization that helps new runners through coaches to run any distance they want to. Scott is an extraordinary runner. The 100 mile Steve ran in under 23 hours (which I still find amazing and am so proud of him) Scott won first place, ran in under 17 hours. He does some long training runs with Steve on occasion.

He is also a “home brewmaster”. So that’s the first three, right? Running, Beer and the Leukemia and Lymphona Society. Saturday night Scott hosted a fundraiser for one of runners he coaches for Team In Training. Hannah is also an ultra-runner, she ran the same hundred mile race above in about 31 hours. Awesome job, she’s a great lady. Her cousin lost a baby to leukemia. This is her way of showing she cares. And she found out she loves to run.

We went to the fundraiser and sampled beer even though we are not beer drinkers. After three samples that we tasted and gave to one of the gentlemen there, we simply enjoyed the food and the company. It’s a room full of runners. What’s not to love?

I did sit comfortably in my superiority of having run multiple marathons in a room full of mostly half marathon runners. Of course, Steve and Scott can keep me in my place, just because I know what they do.

And the discussion on which grand slam of ultra running each of them want to do humbled me immensely. (Grand Slam is four 100 mile races that if you register to run all four and register with the Grand Slam group you get a special award. Currently there are two, the original grand slam, but one of the races is hard to get into, it’s a lottery. The Midwest Grand Slam which Steve wants to do next year is two 100 miles races in June, one in July and one in September. And then the third ultra grand slam is tri-state of Kansas, Arkansas and Missouri. This includes two Steve has already run which makes it enticing because it’s the devil he already knows. That may be 2014?)

I looked at the women in the group and compared myself. Since I don't know any except for Hannah, personal trainer at Genesis health club and 100 mile runner and Jennifer, marathoner, lawyer, president of the Women's Business Association in Wichita, I got to feel pretty inferior, and the other women? I didn't have anything other than appearance. BAD PATSY. BAAAAD! Don’t ever do that. Compare yourself to women you don't know. Or do know for that matter. No matter how much you like yourself, you are asking for trouble. A little bit of self flagellation, not even going to share how pitiful I was.

However, after 3 hours with them I began to realize that most of them were more insecure than I am. I won't go into details, but it was evident. I'm really not insecure. I realized this week in spite of the heartache I've experienced this last year and how broken I feel I am more at peace than I've ever been. I have looked hard and long at myself and realized that I like myself. There is nothing wrong with me. We don't always get what we deserve, good or bad. Sometimes things happen to you that you didn't do anything to cause. When you walk through the dark times and find peace, when you realize you are loved by God first and foremost, loved by your husband, your children, friends, etc., (and they all have pretty dang good taste in people, so I must be special, right?) how can you compare yourself to others and say God made you wrong?

And number four, tornadoes...

Then all the iphone meteorologist began talking about the storm that was coming. So Steve and I decided to head home before it got to Wichita. We walked out the door as it started to rain. We are good at that. We were about 5 miles from home on the highway when Steve even reacted to the weather and slowed down. I had been hanging on to the overhead hand rail with my eyes closed and teeth clenched since we got on the highway. Night driving in storms brings all kinds of anxiety on me.

We made it home safely and waded down the sidewalk to the front door. We had localized flooding in less than half an hour. BUT no tornado at hour house, no damage at our house, we had power, etc.

The tornado did hit my place of employment and I got two unexpected days of vacation. Which is okay if insurance pays for it, but if I have to use vacation, I’ll be short for my Colorado and South Dakota trips. Small things. Will deal with that as it happens.

I was one of the group called back to work early because the ceiling of the warehouse that houses my material caved in. I'm most likley going to have a rough month or so getting caught back up.

Fortunately, in the 97 tornadoes that were in Kansas Saturday night, there were no fatalities. Some lost property, but no one died. And that is a blessing that can't be argued with.

Christmas is coming...

I wanted to make sure you all knew Christmas is coming. I can't believe the emotions Christmas stirs up. I've already witnessed debates about celebrating the birth of Christ when he wasn't even born in December and the comment was made that Christians need to do their research.

I've already heard people complain about crowds, attitudes, and how much money they will spend. (That may have been in my house, lol).

Loving Christmas music, hating Christmas music.

I just want to make fudge. It's not Christmas till I make it (and eat it).

Christmas is going to be different for us this year. It's been different the last few years, but every year another child moves out, it has a different feel. This school year has been really different with just Whitney home.

Steve and I were talking about Christmas shopping this year. I'm known for last minute everything. Steve knows we will do the majority of our shopping the week before Christmas. With older teenagers/early 20 something kids I'm really kind of stretched for gift ideas. But I'll figure it out.

I decided to run a 4 mile run for the Arthritis Foundation this Saturday. It's called the Jingle Bell Run. That should give me some Christmas spirit. And burn a few calories so I can eat fudge.

I have been overwhelmed with the "don't forget what Christmas is all about" message already this year. I think we need to think about it. I think we need to remember. But it's November. I'm still thinking about what I'm thankful for.

My 2012 ONEWORD is going to be Gratitude. A year of giving thanks. Journaling every day something I am sincerely thankful for. I don't want to just list the easy things, I want to make an effort to notice what I'm really grateful to have in my life. Big or little.

I have a month to be a grinch and then the year of giving thanks starts.

Just had a thought. Maybe I should take an advent calendar and give a little gift everyday to someone I love. Bump up my Christmas spirit, because it could use a little life. Maybe putting a little more focus on those I love will help me get more in the Christmas spirit. Hmmmmmmmmm

In my corner

Nate was home for a week. Saturday evening till Friday evening. I miss him already.

Visit with the endodontist. Root canal scheduled for December 8. Happy (late) birthday to me. Thank God insurance covers 80%.

Fixed thanksgiving dinner for my family. Lots of cooking, lots of food. Dominoes, pictionary. Good times.

Anneshia.


Heights State Championship football game. Lost 41-37. Bummer.


It was cold. 40 degrees, north winds 20+ mph. Really cold. But it was fun.


Put up my Christmas tree (like most Americans).


It's pretty.


Balck Friday shopping consisted of going to the tire store and getting my tire repaired from the blow out in Missouri during Steve's run and a trip to the dry cleaners.

We did go to the mall in Topeka before the football game on Saturday. It was dead. No Christmas shopping however, Whitney and I both window shopped boots, tennis shoes and dress shoes each. Now to come up with the $500.00 to buy them all...

Thanksgiving

Remember when I posted here about what I'm not thankful for?

I started paying attention to what I am thankful for. Not the standards of Jesus, the Bible, my job, healthy kids, because I am thankful for all of these things. More than you know. But I started really looking at what I'm thankful for.

Dentists. I had a toothache last week.
Antibiotics. Got rid of my toothache.
Fur lined shoes. It's gotten cold.
Cameras/pictures.
The ability to run.
My bed. I laid down for a nap one afternoon and literally said to myself "I love my bed".
Home made biscuits and gravy. Quite possibly the best comfort food ever.
Vacation visits with my son.
Opportunities. There is always something new to attempt, try for, attain.
Music.
My cowboy boots. I got them resoled for $17.00. They are ten years old. I can't replace them.
My clothes dryer.
Second chances. Getting them, giving them.
Books. Actual books with front and back covers and pages. (I think Nooks, Kindles, IPAD's are all really cool, though.)
Watching Grimm with Denae while Whitney takes a nap on the floor.
The color of the trees in the fall.
Steve finishing two hundred mile races in four weeks time and staying healthy while he did so.
Toilet paper. SERIOUSLY!!!
Kind words from friends. Whether it's blog comments, texts, facebook or email, I'm thankful for all of them.
Time with Steve.
My YMCA membership.
Charitable organizations: World Vision, Big Brothers/Sisters, United Way, the Humane Society, I could go on and on.
The virtual world that lets me stay in touch with my friends and family and see pictures, etc.
Answered prayers for my children.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving holiday.

What am I not thankful for?

I've been watching/reading/listening to people list what they are thankful for this month. Lists. Daily updates of what they are thankful for.

Wonderful that they are taking more than just Thanksgiving Day to think about what they are thankful for.

What am I thankful for?

I thought about what I'm not thankful for. Went to the bottom of the pit to see what is on the bottom of my list of what I wish I didn't have, have to deal with, etc.

Now I'm going to try and find a way to be thankful for these things.

Doubt

Two weeks ago when I was in Lawrence I told Nate that I knew God was going to answer my prayers for him in a big way. I knew that it was going to happen soon. (Nothing like putting God on the spot, is there?) Nate told me he was praying too. Which really touched me. So I'm rolling through the days praying continually, which I do. My very specific prayer for one of my girls was answered, and we thanked God and kept praying for the others. A very specific prayer for another of my girls was answered. Praised God and kept praying for the other two. Thursday morning (12 days after my speaking for God) Nate called. He is sick. What can he take. I get symptoms and Dr. Mom prescribes. He doesn't have anything other than tylenol, doesn't think he can make it to Dillons, two blocks away. But Sam will go when he gets home. I spend the day at my desk fighting tears and losing.

I wanted to get in the car and drive to Lawrence. But a day of vacation, two tanks of gas, I'd be worn out, and it's not necessary. And that afternoon, I doubt God. I am afraid that he is going to let me down, and on top of that, not show up and let Nate know that he does take care of him. I'm not only doubting, if I'm honest, I'm a little angry. I've had a rough year, I've relied totally on God's strength to get through, but for one day I doubted why I was even on this earth. All it took was pain in my child. (Not going to go into how I'm God's child and how he feels when I hurt, I get it.)

I get up Friday, it's a new day, and do the things I do. On my way home from work Nate calls. I don't usually answer the phone when I'm driving, but it was Nate, he had been sick, I was worried. He called to tell me that GOD HAD ANSWERED MY PRAYER. Okay, he called and told me what happened, but it was an answer to my prayer. After talking to Nate, I thanked God, tears streaming down my face. (Another danger while driving).

Fast forward two days. Mike is talking about doubting Thomas.

John 20:24-28

One of the eleven disciples was missing. This was a man named Thomas.

After Jesus was gone, Thomas came back to the room where everyone was hiding. When he entered, the disciples told him, “Thomas, oh Thomas, it is true! We’ve seen Jesus! He’s alive! “He said to them, “No. I won’t believe it unless I see the nail marks in His hands. I have to put my finger where the nails were. If I can put my hand into His side, then I’ll believe you.”

Eight days later, Jesus visited the disciples again. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus walked right through the locked doors. “Peace be with you,” He said. Then He said, “Thomas, come here with your finger and see My hands. Touch the wounds in My hand. Put your hand into My side. Stop doubting now and believe.”

Thomas felt very ashamed for not believing. He hung his head, “My Lord and my God!”

How many times does God have to prove himself to me before I stop doubting? I have metaphorically put my fingers where the nails were so many times (just this year!) and yet I still get disappointed by God. I was so thankful for the answered prayer, but it wasn't till Sunday morning I was convicted about my 24 hours on Thursday.

For those of you who have been praying for my kids since this post three of the four specific requests have been answered. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Conversations with Whitney

Can you take a third one?

What makes me smile...part 3

Volleyball and school is wearing this child out. 7:00 Wednesday evening. This is what I had watching television with me.

What makes me smile...part 2

I found this picture today. This is Nate at graduation with Chad, Sam and Dylan. I'm sharing it because Nate and Sam are the two in the middle, and Sam is Nate's roommate in Lawrence. And it really did make me smile.

What makes me smile...

This child. I'm going to share a weeks worth of Whitney. (Or 4 days).

It's her birthday

Like you all haven't seen tons of pictures of her. Today is her 15th birthday. She is number 5, and she came along and pulled a fragmented family together. She is the "OURS" in a yours, mine and ours family, and I'm pretty sure she is the glue that holds us all together.

She has been a light in my life from day one. She has a smile that lights a room. A laugh that is contagious. A sense of humor that is irrepressible. And a wit that never stops. She told me the other day that the snake she brought home was dead because it was laying on the street and it baked.

I remember the day she was born. I had a difficult delivery with Nate (to say the least) and had the same OB. When he came in and said it was time to deliver Whitney and that they had a team on standby for both Whitney and I because of the past history, I freaked out. I delivered her with an oxygen mask on my nose.

She took the majority of her naps snuggled up on Steve's chest. She walked at 8 months, gave up her bottle at a year, spoke full sentences (there's my mommy, where's my pacifier) at 16 months, was potty trained at two, and off the pacifier at about three. I have pictures of her with one in her mouth and a spare in each hand.

Life has never been boring around her. She was my "bonus baby" and I thank God for her. He definitely did good work with her.

I'm going to leave you with a few of my favorite Whitneyism's,and if you've heard them before, they are worth a laugh the second time.

"There's no food in this house. You feed Crist (our World Vision child) better than you feed me."

I have 105 "Conversations with Whitney" posts. This is one of my top 25

Setting: Dillons meat department. Whitney is holding a full chicken against her forehead.

Whitney: What is the square root of 16?

Me: Huh?

Whitney: What?? It’s a “smart chicken” (brand name of chicken).

Thankful Thursday

I sent Steve an email this week. I put the whole message in the subject line. Simply said “I am happy today.”

I am happy. There are a lot of good things in my life. A lot to be happy about. Much to be thankful for. I haven’t done a Thankful Thursday post in a while, so here are some things I’m thankful for (and happy about).

My foot feels tons better.

It’s a 3 day holiday weekend.

Steve and I have found a church we like. Think we may have found our new “home”.

Jake and Carrie will be headed home in 4 weeks.

School's out for the summer.


Care to share? What are you thankful for? What is making you happy today?

Pondering

Luke 2:19 "But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart."

I was raised knowing this verse. It's right after the angels sang in the sky at Jesus birth and the shepherds came and worshiped. I never truly understood what that meant. But I think I have an idea now. My children's births were not like that of Jesus, and I don't compare what Mary knew about her child to what mine meant to me. I just totally understand treasuring moments and thinking about them, as I'm sure every mother in the world does. A smile when your child has done something that in their mind is extraordinary. The gift that you really have no idea what to do with, but will treasure because of the face that gave it to you (I still have a three foot tall stuffed skunk, a tarnished silver cross, the ugliest candle holder ever in existence, etc.) I see looks on my kids faces that speak stronger than words. Whitney can look at me from the volleyball court and I know what's going through her head. These unspoken moments are gifts to mother's that no one else gets. Along with that, I believe these people that come out of our bodies have the power to make us feel pain like no other. When my kids hurt, I hurt. I would take any pain from them.

So, Mother's Day to me is not about gifts. Never has been. I don't want or need gifts on Mother's Day. No jewelry or kindle, no lunch out (I did tell Steve he could take me out for dinner another night this week, but only cause I like the time with him), no breakfast in bed. Lots of "Happy Mother's Day" wishes. Several brought tears to my eyes. Unexpected. People I didn't think would take the time to send me a text, really surprised they thought of me at all today.

I will treasure this Mother's Day for the rest of my life, and yes, keep it in my heart. Yesterday I woke up kind of foggy. And in that foggy state, my chest hurt right above my heart. And in that sleepy state, I wondered if my heart had hurt for so long that I could actually feel the pain. Then I remembered the 3 unassisted pullups from the night before. I felt awesome. So strong. And had I stopped...but I did a 4th and I tweaked a muscle. Today, nothing hurts. But all day yesterday, it hurt to touch it. That's when I realized that the pain really was external. God truly is the healer. And he is keeping his promises to me. And he chose today to make one well known.

This morning I didn't wake up to breakfast in bed or presents. I woke up to a request for money so Nate could go golfing with his cousins. But after that, my day started with the best Mother's Day gift I could've hoped for. Nothing tangible. Just some actions and a few words that many of us take for granted. I did up until not too long ago. I won't ever again. But today is a day I'll treasure and remember for the rest of my life. A look, a smile, words, memories. Those are important to this mom.

I love my kids, Kari, Amanda, Ashley, Nate and Whitney. I'm blessed to have you in my life. I love Steve. I have a good life.

Whitney - 14


Nate 18


Ashley 19 - Mia 10 months


Amanda - 20 Anneshia 2 years


Kari - 22

God continues to amaze me

God has been so present in my life. If you've been reading, I've shared that. And my human mind thinks that he must be done showing me how much he loves me. How many times, over and over, will he do something that makes me aware of how much HE LOVES ME? How many special things that only I get, but I do know are directed at my heart, my hurting heart, to say you are special, you are loved, you are beautiful and you are worth so much more to me in Heaven than on earth? I get more. Continuously. More, so much more. I'm going to share a few. These are not huge earth shaking WOW!!! You gotta hear this moments. These are those soft whispers you get from God that if you aren't being quiet you miss.
This comment in an email from a friend, I took out some stuff that is not necessary to the post, but it is almost exactly how I feel, even though we are at two different places in two extremely different lives, but the feeling is the same, and knowing that God is working in a friends life with the same feelings makes it easier to be strong.
"My life has sifted in every area ... every safety net gone, and never realized how much I was depending on those things instead of God's provision. I was in a "comfortable" state ... comfortable "sacrifice." ... I can truly say I've never been more fulfilled in the purpose God made me for... finally settling in to be who He made me to be and only trying to please HIM. It's a foreign feeling at times, but a very good feeling. Some days I feel like I'm growing, some days I feel like I'm melting down, but it's my life!"
He is still giving me encouragement and direction specifically from his word. On the airplane to Boston I was in a baaaaad mood. So I went to the least feel good book of the Bible I could think of, Ecclesiastes "there is nothing good under the sun". And danged if God didn't even find a way to give me hope through that book too.
He is still making sure I get it. I'm stubborn, thick headed and a bit of a control freak. (Well, not so much anymore). I read a passage last night. It was good. It spoke to me. I stopped and hugged my Bible while tears rolled down my face. I do that a lot anymore, because it's a letter from someone who loves me. Today I go to one of my friends blogs and one post back she has shared this Scripture passage. God is making sure I get it.
He is correcting and challenging me. I had a day where I was thinking I needed to tell some people off. Point out there sin even. And God quickly told me that he doesn't need me to do that, he has given that task to the Holy Spirit, and I should let him do it. So, I shut up before I spoke. I would've made things worse. I know that.
Communion at church in Boston. We were running around Sunday morning, Steve and I just going out the two of us. We didn't do that much in Boston, the three or four times were fun. Sunday we are on the subway and Steve sees a sign for a church that looked interesting. I look it up on my droid, we get on the right subway and get there after the service has started. Steve was disappointed we missed the worship, but wouldn't you know, they did their worship after the sermon. We missed one song and announcements. They offered communion. I haven't participated in communion service in a while, so I was moved at the opportunity. (The communal wine goblet made me a little nervous till I realized you dunked your very large cracker in the goblet. It was also my first real wine, non grape juice communion.) Something about sharing that ordinance with other believers I didn't even know existed till that morning made it even more powerful. But remembering Jesus sacrifice, and God's gift was amazing. On Palm Sunday, even more so. And in light of how loving he's been to me words fail me.
I love the quiet whispers. The soothing to my soul that he is providing.
So on Good Friday, as I remember his gift to me, I am overwhelmed with all he has done for me. Because I'm not much of a prize, and yet he values me. He is perfect and holy and yet he loves me.

Sabbatical not over...

But I did want to say a big thank you to all the wonderful women in my life who have held me up in prayer and really helped me through a rough time. I will be back to share some things, but don't know when or how much later. Huge thanks to my "blog girlfriends" Jules and Jenn for reaching out and praying. I'm looking forward to the day I get to meet you. To my "childhood girlfriends" who are still besties now, Sheila, thanks for letting me cry on you and praying for me and not being mean to my husband and for making me eat, even if wasn't much. And thanks for raising a daughter who knows how to be a girlfriend too. Rebecca, the one who knows me so well at my worst, all dark and twisted and isn't afraid to go to that dark and twisted place and drag me out. My "Boston girlfriends" Jenny for some of the best counseling I received, and for praying with me. Terrible time for a dropped call, who do we blame, AT&T or Verizon? And Carrie that I can't thank enough for how she treated Steve and what she said to him. WOW! Is about all I got, because of what it meant to him. My "summer girlfriend" Kathy, four years watching our boys play baseball and be close friends, your wisdom and frank talk was so needed.
To the others who reached out and offered prayers and kind words and if you need anythings, so appreciated. Mindy, Cate, Deb, Kristin.
THANK YOU ALL.