Poof!!! Just like that...

He's gone.

I watched the u-haul drive down the road with two strong handsome young men in it, and it was everything I expected and more. And not in a good way. I (sorta) held my tears because Nate hates to see me cry, managed to only be a little choked up. as I mumbled don't go without anything you need, I love you, I'll miss you. And no mom stuff, because it's too late for that kind of parenting. I've had the last 6,964 days for that. I have had 10,028,640 minutes with this 9 lb 15.5 oz miracle and I would have loved just one more today. One more where he was still mine.

Perspective

I've been whining about Nate leaving. I was talking to Stacy, (newest member of my herd) she has a son Nate's age. She said, it's hard when they leave, and I agreed. And she said, at least it's not Afghanistan.

Changed my thinking.

I Choose You

I walked slowly up to him, twisting my hands nervously.

"I'm so sorry, I screwed up again. Will you forgive me?"

"Child, your sins have been hurled into the depths of the sea". Micah 7:19

"I do the same things over and over though. I'm scared you'll get tired of my failing."

"My child, I have loved you with an unfailing love." Jeremiah 31:3

"I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be good. I can't seem to get it right."

"If you confess your sins, I am faithful. I will forgive." 1 John 1:9

"How can you forgive me? How can you love me?"

"You are precious in my sight. You are called by my name, you are created for my glory." Isaiah 43:1-7

"I'm so unworthy. I'm not talented or beautiful. I'm not strong. I'm not good at anything. I'm not changing the world. I'm not even changing my part of the world. I'm just here. Living, breathing, getting by. Trying. What brings you glory in that? What is there to love?"

"You are fearfuly and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14 "You are moving forward. You are trying. Keep breathing, keep loving. Keep pressing on". Philippians 3:14

"You love me"? I asked, whispering, questioning.

"You are mine. I bought you at a very high price". 1 Corinthians 16:20 "Nothing can separate you from my love". Romans 8:39.

Mr. Cellophane

I’ve done some serious soul searching in the last 6 months. What is wrong with me, what is right with me, where do I need to make changes, etc. I discovered something. In the areas I’m real, I’m me, open, honest, transparent, right or wrong, bring on the constructive criticism, challenge me to make me a better ME, I don’t fail. Even in my weaknesses, I don’t fail.

But when I try to be what others think I should be or copy others, that’s the areas I get it wrong. God created me. And he is doing his work that will be completed someday and I’ll be perfect. Hard to believe, but even me. I get to be perfect. But he is not doing a work that will be completed when I’m like anybody other than Jesus. When I try to be like a woman I admire or one who is popular and has lots of friends or is more godly than me, I am a marine biologist. A marine biologist that lives in Kansas no less (pop culture reference to George Costanza on Seinfeld). I am living and pretending to be something I am not. Put simply in the words of my pastor, I’m a poser.

I heard a lady once say that she wanted to be like Beth Moore. I never purposely tried to mimic anyone. I’ve always wanted to be more like Jesus. Why settle for trying to be like someone on earth that is trying to be like Jesus? We can skip the middle man and go straight to the model himself. Live and love like Jesus.

This is where I’ve gotten into trouble lately. The old stumbling block issue. Am I doing something that will cause someone else to fail in their walk with Christ? And what is my responsibility? I tend to have the attitude that no one is watching me. That no one pays attention to me. Like the words from the song

Mr. Cellophane

Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister cellophane
Should have been my name !!!!
Mister cellophane
'cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there!

Truth is someone is always watching.

I’m torn between some great spiritual application or…

Ranting and raving!!! Of course I’m not gonna take the high road. It’s lonely up there.

If I wear a sundress over my swimsuit and stop at the grocery store on my way home from the pool, I am not a stumbling block, I just needed a few things. My shoulders, clavicle and upper arms are pretty dang sexy (I got muscles and a great tan) but COME ON!!! The orange sundress is beautiful. Just because it made your husband uncomfortable and you insecure does not make me a stumbling block. And the idea that it is okay for you to lecture me from your superior spiritual intellect that as a “woman of God” yada yada yada (pop culture reference - two Seinfeld references in one post, is this causing anyone to stumble?) really didn’t sit well. And yes, I look good, and it is not, I REPEAT, it is not because of stress. I have sweated my #@&*# off and counted every stinking calorie and been hungry for six months. (Does that explain the hostility???)

I am, however, quite proud of how well I held my tongue in that moment. And I read this and was going to delete the above comment, but in the interest of full disclosure, transparency and honesty, you get to experience the real me. Good, bad and the ugly.