I'm tired

Not physically, well not so much, anyway, but I'm just mentally exhausted.

I try to be honest. I try to tell the truth, and I try to be content. Maybe not happy, but at least content. And I know how blessed I am. I know how wrong it is that I feel sorry for myself.

I know when I think "poor me, no one cares" I'm making light of the love my family and friends have for me.

I know when I'm financially irresponsible I will have to sacrifice or rebudget or work overtime or not give like I want to to make up for it. (But it's not my fault. I couldn't help it. I've been looking for black boots that will go over my large calves. They're not fat, just muscular. So when I went to Marshall's to trade cars with Whitney so I could get her oil changed and Karissa told me it was 20% off weekend for employees and Whitney had an additional 20% off coupon for an attagirl, and they had this awesome pair of Kenneth Cole riding boots that went over my calves, it was fate).

This week I got a call from World Vision asking me to volunteer at an event for them. I'm a big believer in World Vision. So Steve and I went. And will do it again, at every event in this area we can. I held my portfolios to hand out to people and answer questions and fill out sponsorship forms, etc., and I couldn't put Hana back on the table. I brought her home with me. The world is full of so much pain, if I can alleviate just a little bit, I want too. And this made me realize how blessed I am, not just that I'm not in that position, but I'm also in position to help.

But onto my tired. I believe my relationships are worth fighting for. Friends. Family, kids, and most definitely my marriage. And my marriage has taken a few outright attacks. And I unashamedly will say I fight for my husband. I'm in his side. And if you get between us, I'm a she devil waiting to come out. If you hurt him, I will not be kind and understanding. And no matter how much I love you, if you force me to choose between him and you, I will always, unequivocally choose him.

This week I got a walk down memory lane, not a pleasant one, over an issue from a while ago. I ended a friendship, it wasn't a close one, it wasn't one I put any effort into, it isn't one I miss. I won't apologize for anything I said because I was not out of line.

This is where the tired comes in. I'm tired of dealing with this kind of crap. We're adults. Not middle school. At what point do women grow up?

Why do some of us mature faster than others? Is it because my grown (and almost grown) children are wearing me out? Sometimes I think collectively between the five of them I'd be lucky of they made one good decision. JUST ONE!

I would swear I didn't raise idiots, but...

Fortunately, I outgrew it and hopefully they will too.

So all that to say, I'm tired. Two weeks of running four days a week, haven't missed a training day or a mile yet. 4-5 days a week with Marquis. (You'd think I'd be skin and bones by now, but that pan of fudge on my kitchen counter it is harbinger of doom). But it's not the physical tired. It's the emotional and mental.

Sometimes I feel I've poured out so much and no one or no where is pouring into me. And maybe it's a desert season from God, spiritually. Or maybe it's self imposed and I need to make changes. I guess I'll make the changes and trust that God will lift me up.