Friday, December 27, 2013

Jesus is not a wuss

I've watched all the uproar over Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson with interest. I've read the interview in GQ and about every article and blog response I've come across. Christians for and against. Members of the LGBT for and against. People chastising him for his "hate" speech. People supporting his right to free speech. People supporting his right to free speech but A&E's right to fire or suspend him.

Boy we like our drama, don't we?

I have an opinion. Of course I do. I'm pretty black and white on things (this is not a racial comment, lol). If the Bible says something is a sin, I believe it's sin. I don't look deeper or translate from the original Greek, Hebrew or Aramaic. I don't parse verbs. I read it and believe it.

I don't know if this is rare or not, but I'm one of those people who gets what a wretched sinner I am. I actually tend to believe my sin is worse than yours. Let's talk some time.

Gossip? Check - just tonight for the record
Gluttony? Check - again, tonight. should've stopped a scoop or two earlier on the ice cream
Pride? Check - Just read this post. I'm a bigger sinner than you.
Sexual immorality? Check - not gonna list those, too ugly and don't want them in print for posterity. Also, I don't want you to know how bad I am.
Theft? Check - I've been given too much change and not taken it back. For whatever reason, too busy, too far from the store, too lazy, the list is endless. Also, there have been days where I didn't work quite like I was working for Jesus, to put it in the best light possible.
Hate, bitterness, anger? Check, Check and Check.

So here's the deal. I can call my sin SIN and confess and make it right (and stumble and fall and start back over to do right). No excuses. And if asked or in a position that I need to call something sin, wrong, I will do so.


What has really fascinated me with all this media drama is the people who say things about Jesus.

We are making him into what we want him to be, not what he is. We are making him light and fluffy. We are putting our words in his mouth. I think this is dangerous.

Yes, Jesus loves us. Yes, he forgives us and shows us mercy and grace and forgiveness. He is longsuffering. But he is not a wuss.

He is righteous and just and holy. And the Bible says that there is a day of judgment coming. And we will stand before him. And it says that he will take the place at the head of his army. And bring judgment to the earth.

We seem to forget this side of Jesus.

It's made me think about how I view Jesus. It's made me think my life and what sin in my life I need to root out.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

50 Years Ago

My parents celebrated 50 years of marriage today. We had an open house for them and friends and family came by. It was a really sweet evening. My dad told the story of when they met.



He was in the navy. And he was a hooligan. But one of his shipmates shared the story of Jesus with him and it changed his life. He gave up his sinful lifestyle to live for Jesus. He had been writing to his girlfriend back home in Turon, Kansas, but when she found out he "got religion" she didn't want anything to do with him. My mom told her to give him her address because she was a Christian also.

My dad and mom had a letter writing relationship that turned into love.

My dad says that she had sent him her senior picture from high school. She was two days from 19 when they got married. He says that she was wearing glasses and the picture was really formal and black and white.


When he got home and went to her house to meet her and she came out he said that he thought it was her younger sister because she looked so much younger than the picture she sent. And he said "and she was a knockout".

I know it's life. I was there once a long time ago. When young people get married and they think they have it all figured out. They know what love is and theirs is going to be different. Perfect. And maybe it will be. I certainly hope so.

But love is not the perfect proposal or the perfect wedding with the pictures artfully posed with water profiles and the staged "first time he saw me in my dress", etc. Love is not sharing every moment on facebook so every one knows how awesome your life is. (I once asked Steve if we went out for a great evening and didn't share it on social media, did it really happen?) Love isn't what people see publically. If it is, my parents don't have love. They don't have a computer or facebook. I have the only two pictures of them from their wedding - and I put them up and don't know where I put them. Simple. Sweet.

And love looks different for everyone and every marriage. But it's the same thing. It's putting someone else ahead of you. It's choosing to love them. For better, for worse. I've seen this in my parents. They both really know how to love people. Not just each other, it spills over.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas

Check out these cuties!

We had all these little rascals (except Zoey, but she's just so dang cute!) on Christmas Eve. Children really make the holidays fun.


Papa got Anneshia a razor scooter and she rode it through the house the rest of the night. Except for when she was wrestling with Nate.


Mia never quits moving. And when I say never quits moving, she jumps, she dances, she runs, she is all energy all the time. And completely and utterly adorable telling everyone "Merry Christmas" and hugging the boys goodbye. Not the girls, just boys.


Steven doesn't need toys. He doesn't care about toys. All he does is chase his sister, his cousin and the dog.


Justin just wanted to sleep. And eat pie.


And Zoey is with her most wonderful family in California celebrating. Right where she belongs.

I learned this Christmas Eve that armor all wipes will take sharpie off of a dining room table, nail polish remover will take sharpie off of sunglasses, toddlers will drink out of the dogs water bowl (twice), toddlers do not know the difference in a razor and a comb - stopped that one before it was disastrous.

We had a wonderful Christmas at my house.




Friday, December 20, 2013

Conversations with Whitney

She finished high school yesterday. Starts college January 21. She is 17 years, 4 months and 10 days old. It's kind of hard to know how I feel about this. She won't technically graduate till May. She'll attend the senior breakfast, walk across the stage and get her diploma all after finishing her first semester of college. We'll do a graduation party then, but I feel like we should do something now too.

I'm not surprised, she's done most everything early her whole life. Came into the world 10 days before her due date. Took ballet lessons till she learned the dance, well before the rest of her class and then she was done. So many examples I can give.

I love this girl and her outlook on life. I had the rare blessing of having her and Steve both at the grocery store with me last week. We are in the meat section and she picks up "smart chicken" and tells us she's pretty sure that's why she did so good in school, was she connected with the "smart chicken" at the grocery store.

A little back story, she was in fourth or fifth grade, in the grocery store she holds the chicken up to her forehead and says "what is the square root of 16" looks at me and says, "what? It's a smart chicken".

I'm not ready for her to be grown up. I'm not ready for her to face life on her own. But it doesn't really matter whether I'm ready or not, because apparently it's here.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

So this is Christmas

I'm pretty much done with my Christmas shopping. I have a couple of things left to pick up, some stocking stuffers, some cash to hand out.

We are at the point in life that we buy for the grand babies and a gift for our kids, but mostly it's cash.

I have a beautiful Christmas tree I put up and decorate. And I am the stereotypical mom that gets teary eyed over the puzzle piece reindeers and popsicle stick nativities and hand painted snowmen.

I put out the stockings and make the fudge (and eat the fudge).

I go to the Christmas dinners and spend time with my family.

I try to hold on to one or two traditions.

But life changes. Kids grow up and have families of their own and make their own family traditions.

Finding Christmas in your heart can be tough sometimes. Maybe you get it right every year. But sometimes I have to dig deep.

This year I've been looking for extra ways to do kind acts. I've found some, and when I have the opportunity I take it.

This weekend I really found my Christmas spirit. Steve took me to Salina, Kansas to an old fashioned theater for the Michael W. Smith Christmas Tour Concert. We've both always been fans. And his Christmas show was great. There were some lights, some wreaths, some trees, 6 band members and 3 back ground singers, and Michael at the piano. Christmas songs and some that were just instrumental.

And he told the Christmas story. Very quick and concise, birth of baby Jesus to death on the cross.

It was beautiful and I really felt Christmassy. And was certain I was going to hold on to that.


And two days later as I washed my car outside in almost 60 degree weather Christmas is a little bit further from my mind...

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

Whitney picked out some new towels for the house. They are striped short ways instead of long ways.

Every time I use one when I get out of the shower I have brief moment of confusion.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Enough

This week I had the opportunity to read a blog by a young husband who's wife is a stay at home mom of two young children. He made the comment to a woman he works with that his wife would love to have a "coffee break" and that she works really hard.

From all the working moms in the world, I need to say this.

If you are a stay at home mom and you can't find time for a ten minute coffee break in your day, you are doing it wrong. I realize there will be days where your kids won't take naps at the same time, or nap at all. But it won't stunt their life if you put on a veggie tale video and you sit down with a cup of coffee and enjoy Bob and Larry for ten minutes.

I don't discount being a stay at home mom is hard. I was a full time mom. I just went to work in during the day. And it was hard. It's hard to leave sick babies, even with grandma, and go to work. It's even harder to go to a stressful job after no sleep because you have a teething baby. Just because I didn't stay home didn't mean my heart and most of my mind wasn't with my children at every moment.

I hate the comparisons. I hate the "my life is harder/better/more difficult than yours".

I hate the home school vs public school vs Christian school wars.

I hate comparison.

So why do I do it to myself? Why do women especially do it?

I don't near as much anymore. It's going to sound really sad to say it this way, but I quit because my best is typically at the back of the pack or at the very least, mediocre. And always being last and comparing yourself to the front runners is a real downer.

But did you get that? MY BEST! That's all I have to work with. I was the best mom I could be, best wife I could be. And that's what I'm responsible for. The success of my children as they turn into adults becomes their responsibility, theirs to do their best. How my husband behaves is his to answer for. I am only responsible for my behavior, my efforts, my utilization of my gifts.

I don't compare myself to other runners (anymore??? or I try not to) because I have to start with what I was given genetically. And that is not fast. It's stubborn, mentally and physically tough, but not fast. I don't compare myself to people sitting on the couch either. If I have to say I'm lapping someone sitting on the couch I've sunk to a new level of low in comparison.

I try to do what I like to do, what I have to do, what I love to do, and do it to the best I can. And if that typically puts me at an average or mediocre level, I know I did my best.

I realize I'm different.

My life is different.

As I continue to push away from comparison and accept my best is exactly that, I realize that I accept me as enough. And that's all I can do.

I also continue to challenge myself to encourage other women in the goals and dreams and compliment them for their victories and good hair days. Because it's a tough brutal negative world we live in.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Training

No picture because how do you take a picture of cold? And dark? Daylight savings is killing me!

Anyway, heat wave of 50 degree weather this week and then two weeks off for the Christmas season, I'm very excited.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Conversations with Whitney

I should really keep up with this thread, as this girl is awesome.

"who needs dog sweaters"

Belle outgrew her puppy sweater and she was cold, so Whitney put one of her hoodies on the dog. Best part, Belle didn't care.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Faith

This Thanksgiving weekend I had reason to pray and trust God. One of those things that all the worrying in the world wouldn't change, so why do it? I spent a little time being upset and yes, worrying, then I talked to Steve and was calmed down and then I realized what I was worrying about wasn't an issue.

Made me think about something my momma always said, "it's one thing to have faith, it's another to jump off a cliff and yell 'God save me'".

I see this so much. One of the benefits??? of social media is people share too much. And you get front row seats to stupidity. Bad decisions. Wrong decisions. And then you get to see all the "God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers", "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it", etc. This is pure unadulterated crap.

One of the lessons I learned from David Jeremiah many years ago that has always stuck with me is if it's an act of sin, God isn't in it. Upon confession and repentance God will work mightily in your life. But there are consequences of actions, there are repercussions from sin that cannot be undone. Lessons can be learned. Lives can be changed.

Just a few examples, if you don't show up to work for a few weeks and get fired and then say God is testing you financially, you are fooling yourself. If you show up faithfully to work, work hard, have a good attitude and get downsized, that may be a test. (It also is just life, but you can see the difference).

If you are involved in a bad/wrong/sinful relationship and pray for God to honor it and give you a lifetime with someone that you shouldn't be with and it doesn't work out, it's not a God wanted me to learn and grow from knowing that person. GOD WANTED YOU OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP.

These are both true life examples of people I know.

I believe whole heartedly in miracles and prayer and the goodness of God and the love Jesus and his heart for his people.

But I also believe there are consequences to our actions. And calling the results of our bad decisions tests from God and getting all spiritual in the hard times and ignoring him when things are good is not the way it works.

I do believe God rescues us from bad decisions and can make good things happen and bless us through them. But when that happens, I know it's his mercy and grace.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Training update

Yesterday's 10.65 miles was painful. Went by fast, but it wasn't easy. I didn't think I'd see anything on this run that would be picture worthy. But 2.5 miles from home these two cuties in their K-State cheerleading uniforms crossed the street heading to the park. And they picked up trash all along the sidewalk and put it in a dumpster behind the dentist office right before the park.

It was the sweetest thing.

Friday, November 29, 2013

A grateful heart

Thanksgiving.

A holiday with the meaning right in the name. A day of giving thanks. And yet I saw so much division on social media over Thanksgiving this year.

I have an opinion. On everything. From Black Friday shopping on Thanksgiving to politics to gay marriage to abortion to home school to child raising methods to ways to cook a turkey. But having said that, they are my opinion. In some cases they are Biblically based. In others, they are cultural, based on my upbringing and in some, they are just how I feel.

And how I feel about Black Friday??? You do what you want. I will too. How I feel about Black Friday starting on Thursday? Again, you do what you want, and I will too. I know that people had to work so others could spend. But I saw comments on both sides of that, people happy for the opportunity to make money. Retail isn't the best pay, and for a single person, that might have been a pretty big deal. But some people don't need the hours and were forced to work. I get that that sucks.

I didn't shop at all yesterday or today. Don't usually on Black Friday. Not because I am opposed to it, (or think that "it's what's wrong with America", lol) but just because I didn't need or want anything that was a door buster or big enough savings to drive me out of the house.

I do think that saying it's what's wrong with America is stretching it just a little. Unemployment, fatherlessness, alcoholism, drugs, the knockout game, prison crowding, overall immorality? Hunger, homelessness, apathy. Maybe I think too much about things. Maybe I should stay away from social media.

This Thanksgiving I realized Wednesday as I went to the grocery store to pick up the stuff I forgot (ingredients for Whitney's macaroni and cheese) that I was also missing a grateful heart.

I could list for days the blessings I have, the things to be thankful for.

So I adjusted my attitude, I focused on the blessings I have.

And I had a wonderful holiday.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

I bought new towels. Whitney picked them out. They are striped short ways instead of long ways.

Every time I unfold one to use it when I get out of the shower I suffer a brief moment of confusion.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Marathon training



The 6th running of the turkeys.

When we were talking at training one day Chris asked when the next race was because we hadn't trained on Saturdays because of Steve's races. We told them Turkey Trot, but since it was on a Sunday it wouldn't affect Saturday morning. There was interest in the race, and when our whole group including Marquis said they would run the 2 mile, Steve and I stepped our plans down from the 10 mile to the 2, Sheila agreed, and there we all are.

Mark is recovering from a strained muscle in his hip from cross country, the boy can bust out 5 minute miles, but he stayed with Emily and Whitney and Chris, (Chris is his principal at school).

The last 100 yards a young man began to sprint for the finish. Mark sped up next to him. Young man sped up again, Mark matched him, and then at the end finally sprinted and left this poor kid in the dust.

Here's why I shared that story. I ran the whole race chasing my group. Other than Steve, I'm probably in the best running shape of the group. Sheila could've ran off and left me, Marquis, but they stayed with me. The youngsters got ahead, but stopped 200 yards from the finish and waited so we could finish as a group.

Whitney said at the mile turn she started struggling, she was happy to have that break. Marquis was dogging it a little bit, but he finished easily.

I chased everyone. Sprinting effort wise to keep up.

While everyone thought I was struggling because I was at the back, I really wasn't. I was running in the grass to pass people, and my knee is still much better on flat surfaces, not uneven ground. That made me nervous. I'm also still not where I was speed (if you can call my pace speed) wise before knee surgery. I expect to be better than I ever was going forward, though. I could've ran another 5 miles. With the exception of Steve and Sheila, everyone in the group was done at 2 miles.

Appearances can be deceiving. Mark probably made that kid mad. And Mark could've been top 3 in his age group.

I have to be careful not to compare my self to others, but only measure my progress. It's not measured in speed or distance. It's not measured in whether I was faster than last year. Progress? This marks the 6 year I've ran this race. 4 times 10 miles, 2 times 2 miles. It's not monumental. It only matters to me. But it's a sign of progress. It's a marker on the time line of my life when I started making my health a priority. When I found something I love to do.

My mental, emotional and physical health are all so much better. That is progress.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

Yes, these do.


I really hate seeing these posted by young(ish) women. Why are you apologizing and putting yourself down to then tell everyone how great you are??? Where is the need in that?

Placing value on someone based on their looks is so wrong. It just is. There's so many other things to dislike people for! JUST KIDDING!!!

I work with a man who is a classic case of male chauvinist pig. He is a sexual harassment case waiting to happen. He sits two desks from me. I put up with him, ignore him, tell him he's offensive, once I even told him I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. And now, none of the comments are directed at me. My poor female co-workers laugh and to some extent egg him on. So I pretend I don't hear it. But I hate that men objectify women. Judge them by their cup size or their age or how they look in a skirt.

I do appreciate being treated like a lady. That doesn't mean that when it's time to throw that box of paper on the cart I don't do it, because I'm in better shape and I'm stronger then most of the men I work with, some of them are one step away from a heart attack. Being treated a lady doesn't mean you get treated weak.

So I wrote one for me.

I am beautiful. I am loved. I am created unique and special. I am forgiven. I am a princess.
Because I am a daughter of the King.

I don't need to be sexy. I don't need to be perfect. I don't need men's approval or compliments, especially not on my appearance.
Because the Lord is my shepherd, I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED.

Skinny is never my goal, just healthy and fit. And I work at that, I will change me.
I will not be the same "me" tomorrow (internal or external) that I am today.
Because he who started a good work in me is faithful and will complete it.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Friends forever

I graduated from a Christian school in the mid 80’s. Stands to reason that Michael W. Smith’s “Friends are Friends Forever” was sung at my graduation.

I have a forever friend. (I have a couple, but for this instance, I’m going to only talk about one). I had several occasions recently to think about this friendship.

We are working out and talking about 80’s movies. When I get to pick workout music, we get 80’s music. Onto 80’s movies. Better Off Dead, Breakfast Club, and then I said one of Sheila’s in high school had been Weird Science. Marquis, shocked, says you’ve been friends since high school? I wish I had known you then. (He’s 24, kind of impossible…). Sheila says we’ve known each other since elementary school.

Then we are sitting together at Emily’s college volleyball game Saturday and I see a little old lady come in with a huge purse carrying her bottle of diet coke. I look at Sheila and say “that’s me in 30 years”. We had a good laugh. And she knows that she will be seeing me in 30 years.

Yesterday Sheila is at a funeral and I text her to see how she’s doing. I get “I like potatoes” as a response. Emily got her phone.

And I realize what a gift this friendship is. To this day we can say “you told me you were cutting your hairrrrr” and we would both laugh.

It’s not easy to maintain a friendship. It takes work. (Not that she’s hard to be friends with) Work in the sense that everyone is always so busy. Not me so much anymore, I can cancel most anything to free up time for what I want to do. I’m as busy as I choose to be. But it hasn’t always been that way. So staying friends with Sheila is important to me, and at this point in our lives is much easier. We aren't running together right now, and that's mostly a pride issue for me because I have to work so hard for every mile and don't want to affect her run or have her see me struggle that hard and witness the bad attitude that comes with it. But we work out together, and we stay in touch.

I was going to say community is important. And it is. BUT WE NEED OUR GIRLFRIENDS. So take a minute to let them know they are special to you. I’m going to.


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Week 3


Red and Gold tree

Although as rough as today's 7 miles was, I had a hard time finding any beauty. But I managed.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

I'm tired

Not physically, well not so much, anyway, but I'm just mentally exhausted.

I try to be honest. I try to tell the truth, and I try to be content. Maybe not happy, but at least content. And I know how blessed I am. I know how wrong it is that I feel sorry for myself.

I know when I think "poor me, no one cares" I'm making light of the love my family and friends have for me.

I know when I'm financially irresponsible I will have to sacrifice or rebudget or work overtime or not give like I want to to make up for it. (But it's not my fault. I couldn't help it. I've been looking for black boots that will go over my large calves. They're not fat, just muscular. So when I went to Marshall's to trade cars with Whitney so I could get her oil changed and Karissa told me it was 20% off weekend for employees and Whitney had an additional 20% off coupon for an attagirl, and they had this awesome pair of Kenneth Cole riding boots that went over my calves, it was fate).

This week I got a call from World Vision asking me to volunteer at an event for them. I'm a big believer in World Vision. So Steve and I went. And will do it again, at every event in this area we can. I held my portfolios to hand out to people and answer questions and fill out sponsorship forms, etc., and I couldn't put Hana back on the table. I brought her home with me. The world is full of so much pain, if I can alleviate just a little bit, I want too. And this made me realize how blessed I am, not just that I'm not in that position, but I'm also in position to help.

But onto my tired. I believe my relationships are worth fighting for. Friends. Family, kids, and most definitely my marriage. And my marriage has taken a few outright attacks. And I unashamedly will say I fight for my husband. I'm in his side. And if you get between us, I'm a she devil waiting to come out. If you hurt him, I will not be kind and understanding. And no matter how much I love you, if you force me to choose between him and you, I will always, unequivocally choose him.

This week I got a walk down memory lane, not a pleasant one, over an issue from a while ago. I ended a friendship, it wasn't a close one, it wasn't one I put any effort into, it isn't one I miss. I won't apologize for anything I said because I was not out of line.

This is where the tired comes in. I'm tired of dealing with this kind of crap. We're adults. Not middle school. At what point do women grow up?

Why do some of us mature faster than others? Is it because my grown (and almost grown) children are wearing me out? Sometimes I think collectively between the five of them I'd be lucky of they made one good decision. JUST ONE!

I would swear I didn't raise idiots, but...

Fortunately, I outgrew it and hopefully they will too.

So all that to say, I'm tired. Two weeks of running four days a week, haven't missed a training day or a mile yet. 4-5 days a week with Marquis. (You'd think I'd be skin and bones by now, but that pan of fudge on my kitchen counter it is harbinger of doom). But it's not the physical tired. It's the emotional and mental.

Sometimes I feel I've poured out so much and no one or no where is pouring into me. And maybe it's a desert season from God, spiritually. Or maybe it's self imposed and I need to make changes. I guess I'll make the changes and trust that God will lift me up.



Sunday, November 10, 2013

Week 2


This gem of a trail is in Wichita. Between 13th and 21st, Rock and Webb. I hit it once a week or so.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Conversations with Whitney

Me: I'm going to the store, any requests?

Whitney: Dr. Pepper

Nate: Spaghetti-o's with meatballs

Whitney: never looks up from her iphone holds out her fist for a fist bump

Monday, November 4, 2013

Prayer

I always say that when God wants to get me a message I'll hear it twice.


This week I read a blog post that a friend shared. It was prayers for our daughters, taken from the women in the Bible. It was really good. And after I read it, I had a moment (or half an hour).

I spent a lot of time praying for my kids when they were younger. Still do. And right now it appears it was for nothing. As I wallowed in all the time I wasted praying for my kids (I know how ridiculous and untheological and downright critical and appalling to God that is) I decided to really throw a pity party and feel sorry for myself for all my sacrifices and all I have done for those in my family to find out they didn't appreciate all I did and didn't care if they hurt me and "this is how" they paid me back. Yep, God should've taken the lightning in that thunderstorm that day and stood my hair on end. Fortunately, he's merciful.

But I didn't come out of it right away. The next day Nate had an interview. Not the job kind, the kind with detectives and attorneys and will you testify against...etc. I was so nervous and scared for him. I prayed for hours straight. I couldn't eat. And I waited for him to let me know it was over. And he didn't. So finally when I was sure he wasn't with them any more and he wouldn't get in trouble for a text I texted him. It was over, went fine, he would talk to me in person when he got home. The next day when he got home, he simply said it went well and he didn't want to think about it or talk about it.

You can imagine I didn't take it well.

Friday morning I get on facebook (a little back story, I have supplier in Malaysia through work. 11 hour time difference. One morning on a conference call my phone went nuts buzzing almost off the table. Thinking it was Whitney trying to get a hold of me, texting; mom - Mom? MOM! MOMOMOMOM!!!!! I looked at. It was 4 friend requests on facebook. When I check it out, it was my contacts in Malaysia.) I saw this poster.
most of the time I just like their pictures and ignore their posts/posters and go on. Because I don't speak Malay. But for some unexplained reason today I asked Amin what this meant. His words below "Patsy Baker - sometimes we just great because our parents prayers, without their prayers we are nobody"

So after I shed a few tears, I realized that maybe they aren't great - yet. But without a parents prayers? Would they be where they are today?

It never fails to amaze me the ways God can speak to me.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Another Marathon

I'm going to run CrossTimbers Trail Marathon in February. I had 16 weeks from the day I decided, so I found a 16 week training plan. It's aggressive, no fall back weeks, but I think I can do it.

So I just completed week 1 successfully. Slowly. Want to build up to running miles and time slow so I don't injure myself. Plus after the time off for knee surgery, I just don't go it. But instead of training updates, I'm going to post a picture or two every week from my runs to show you some of the cool beautiful things I get to enjoy in my time on my feet.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Conversations with Whitney

"On a scale of one to tired I'm sleep!"

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Blood clots



Not sure if it's my generation. Or my religious upbringing. Or my dad's unwavering devotion to his boys, but I was not raised as a princess. Tomboy would be generous. My brothers would drag my sister and I out to play football, baseball, climb trees, run around on the roof, etc.

And this week, after a particularly grueling week of workouts in addition to starting a marathon training plan (wait for it - you know I'll talk more about it over the next 16 weeks) which included suicides - timed suicides, two days of intense upper body weights and one day of 3 on 3 full court basketball, I'm dead.

I watched my daughter play basketball with us. Steve, another gentleman Steve's age, a high school freshman, a high school junior and a high school senior. It was brutal. I have some basketball playing in my background so I know positions and correct way to shoot which is no guarantee it will go in the basket, and can run and dribble and make a lay up. I was unprepared for how tired I would be the next day.

I work out in skirts and I even have several workout dresses (think tennis?). But I'm not princess looking. In Marquis' words, I look tough.

I would like to be a princess for a day. So I may just buy me a tiara and wear it. With my wedding dress. I'm not too old to pretend.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

That's not my God







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[No Subject]







Baker, Patsy A
To Me



Oct 23 at 2:42 PM






I saw one of those sayings about God that made me cringe. This happens a lot.



“Don’t ever tell God you can’t take it anymore because he will give you more to prove you wrong”.



God is not a bully. He is not trying to break you with the weight of the world. I know sometimes it seems like everything piles up on you till you can’t take it. But he is not sitting on his throne in heaven gleefully rubbing his hands together saying “she just thinks she’s overwhelmed, wait till she sees what’s coming next! I’m going to prove to her she is stronger than she thinks”.



Here’s my belief on this, and a few scriptures to show where I’m getting my ideas.



Jesus offers rest “come unto me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. He doesn’t want us to run on our own, pushing forward against walls we can’t move. He wants us to come to him and rest.



Jesus gives us his own strength “God will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come but you will be patient”. Colossians 1:11 When troubles come, and they will, it doesn’t say, be prepared, just when you think you’ve had enough I’m going to whack you with more, nope. Says I will strengthen you with my power. (This is the same power that called Jesus out of the tomb three days after he died. That’s power.)



And this one is very specific about Moses literally being put in a cleft between the rocks so the very glory of God didn’t kill him when he passed by. “When my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” Exodus 33:22 What if, just suppose, WHAT IF we are covered in a cleft while God passes by and that is why we don’t see his glory? Why we don’t see him at work? What if when we look back at the lowest point when we feel all alone and realize that he was actually covering us while he passed by and fixed our problems?



Patsy Baker

Spirit AeroSystems, Inc.

Wichita Operations SCM
Supply Chain Management Procurement Agent

M/S K95-49, cell 316-207-6097

E-mail: patsy.a.baker@spiritaero.com








Reply, Reply All or Forward | More















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[No Subject]







Baker, Patsy A
To Me



Oct 23 at 2:42 PM






I saw one of those sayings about God that made me cringe. This happens a lot.



“Don’t ever tell God you can’t take it anymore because he will give you more to prove you wrong”.



God is not a bully. He is not trying to break you with the weight of the world. I know sometimes it seems like everything piles up on you till you can’t take it. But he is not sitting on his throne in heaven gleefully rubbing his hands together saying “she just thinks she’s overwhelmed, wait till she sees what’s coming next! I’m going to prove to her she is stronger than she thinks”.



Here’s my belief on this, and a few scriptures to show where I’m getting my ideas.



Jesus offers rest “come unto me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. He doesn’t want us to run on our own, pushing forward against walls we can’t move. He wants us to come to him and rest.



Jesus gives us his own strength “God will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come but you will be patient”. Colossians 1:11 When troubles come, and they will, it doesn’t say, be prepared, just when you think you’ve had enough I’m going to whack you with more, nope. Says I will strengthen you with my power. (This is the same power that called Jesus out of the tomb three days after he died. That’s power.)



And this one is very specific about Moses literally being put in a cleft between the rocks so the very glory of God didn’t kill him when he passed by. “When my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” Exodus 33:22 What if, just suppose, WHAT IF we are covered in a cleft while God passes by and that is why we don’t see his glory? Why we don’t see him at work? What if when we look back at the lowest point when we feel all alone and realize that he was actually covering us while he passed by and fixed our problems?



Patsy Baker

Spirit AeroSystems, Inc.

Wichita Operations SCM
Supply Chain Management Procurement Agent

M/S K95-49, cell 316-207-6097

E-mail: patsy.a.baker@spiritaero.com








Reply, Reply All or Forward | More















Wine


I saw one of those sayings about God that made me cringe. This happens a lot.


“Don’t ever tell God you can’t take it anymore because he will give you more to prove you wrong”.

Not Biblical. Not even good theology or decent logic.

God is not a bully. He is not trying to break you with the weight of the world. I know sometimes it seems like everything piles up on you till you can’t take it. But he is not sitting on his throne in heaven gleefully rubbing his hands together saying “she just thinks she’s overwhelmed, wait till she sees what’s coming next! I’m going to prove to her she is stronger than she thinks”.

Here’s my belief on this, and a few scriptures to show where I’m getting my ideas.

Jesus offers rest “come unto me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”. Matthew 11:28 He doesn’t want us to run on our own, pushing forward against walls we can’t move. He wants us to come to him and rest.

Jesus gives us his own strength “God will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come but you will be patient”. Colossians 1:11 When troubles come, and they will, it doesn’t say, be prepared, just when you think you’ve had enough I’m going to whack you with more, nope. Says I will strengthen you with my power. (This is the same power that called Jesus out of the tomb three days after he died. That’s power.)

And this one is very specific about Moses literally being put in a cleft between the rocks so the very glory of God didn’t kill him when he passed by. “When my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” Exodus 33:22 What if, just suppose, WHAT IF we are covered in a cleft while God passes by and that is why we don’t see his glory? Why we don’t see him at work? What if when we look back at the lowest point when we feel all alone and realize that he was actually covering us while he passed by and fixed our problems?

And how about "for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

At my roughest times (and boy have there been doozies) when I knew I couldn't take anymore. Absolutely without a doubt knew I couldn't take anymore, I would always somehow be reminded that I didn't have to. There is peace and rest when you take it to God. When you "cast all your cares upon him because he cares for you" I Peter 6:7

So whatever heap is on you right now, God isn't trying to prove you wrong that you can't handle more. He just wants you to let him handle it for you. And really, truly, he will.

I have a very dear friend, awesome Christian lady who at a rough point in her life actually told God "you're going to have to use the donkey" Numbers 22:21-41 is definitely worth the read.

Look up friends, because there is strength and power and rest and companionship. Everything you need. There is PEACE.































































































































































Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

I bought a new oven mitt. At the dollar store.

It's ridiculous how happy this oven mitt has made me.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

A story of restoration

This summer Whitney turned 17. Got her license. Started senior year. My job changed. I have to be at work by 7:45 to update two reports before a mandatory meeting at 8:15 everyday. Whitney needed to be able to drive herself to school.

So, Steve and I talked (and talked and talked and talked) about what to do. Once we decided the dream of a Hummer was exactly that and would stay a dream, we had to choose a course of action. We went auto shopping. We didn't know what we were going to do. The only for sure plan was I was happy with my 6 year old SUV. Were we getting Whitney a car, or Steve a car and her the Camaro.

Steve totally surprised me by picking a Ford Fiesta. Brand new, but still well within budget, 40 miles to the gallon, very economical insurance wise. And all were happy. Until a week into this. Steve told me he missed his Camaro. And Whitney wasn't crazy about the stick shift and the power of his beast. And the second week of school someone hit the back of the Camaro in the school parking lot. Rite of passage, every one of my kids was in a fender bender of some sort in the Heights parking lot. Except in Whitney's words "but I was the only one that did it in Dad's car".

That day Steve took the Camaro back, gave Whitney the 6 year old SUV, bigger, taller, stronger car, and I have the Fiesta. Makes the most sense, Steve and Whitney both drive less than 5 miles to school and work while I drive 15 one way plus run errands on the way home, etc. I'm okay with it, now, like it more and more the longer I drive it. And when I drove to Lawrence (and back) for $45 in gas, I really was okay with it.

And the Camaro went into the shop for restoration. It's needed some body work for 2 and half years. It was hit in a parking lot in a hit and run and also I had to push it out of a snow drift with the SUV around the same time which messed up the front fender. Both of these are associated with bad memories for me. They can and have triggered some rough spells for me. I am quite happy to get this car back to it's former glory. Steve - well, what can I say. His favorite material possession is his car. He is emotionally attached to it. Not in an unhealthy way, I find it comforting (and kind of sweet) how much he loves this 13 year old car.

Restoration is an awesome concept. Webster's definition "the act or process of returning something to its original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc."

God has done so much restoration in my life, I love the similarities here in something that was not beautiful being brought back to its original beauty. Just like we were willing to spend what it took to make it whole again, time and money, God has been willing to expend what it takes to make me whole. Restore me. Make me beautiful.

I've always thought of restoration in the sense that it's not as good as new. But after this experience I realize that it is as good as new. It is the same as new. Because Steve's car is as good as new. It may have replacement parts and some repairs done, but once the replacement parts are put on and the repairs are done and the new paint is put back on, it's show room beautiful again. No one who didn't see it damaged would know that it has been damaged.

I believe, in a lot of respects this is an object lesson for my life as this mirrors my life.

I've been restored. Unless you saw the broken, you wouldn't know about it. The repairs are made, replacement parts put in place, and the fresh new covering blends them in and shows that I am whole. I am good. I am not inferior, I am not wrecked.

I went back and read this, He makes me new.





Sunday, October 13, 2013

Running, running and running, running!

Steve finished his 5th hundred mile race this morning. Even more impressive than that (to me, anyway) is that in 4 weeks time he finished 3 ultra races.

Hawk 100, then a Saturday off, Flatrock 50K, then a Saturday off, then Heartland 100. Hawk is extremely difficult. Flatrock is technical and difficult, but only 31 miles. But it was 31 miles of rain, so water coming at you, coming out of you, and mud sucking your shoes.

Steve was seriously fatigued early in the race, but there was no complaining or whining - never is. But he also didn't share that he was feeling that way.

Starting line at 6:00 a.m. Early and cool.

Coming into the aid station at mile 25. Certainly explains Kansas reputation as a flat and covered with wheat. Now if I had just got the picture of the cow that was as big as my SUV running down the side of the street, stereotype complete.

The first half of the race was pretty uneventful. Steve ran well, had a few close running friends at about the same speed as him, and he was keeping to his planned pace. Which is great for me. Sophia was there crewing and pacing a girl who was running about the same speed as Steve at that time so I had a friend to hang out with most of the day light hours myself. It was not a large race, but there were enough runners that Steve really was never a lone and that's a good feeling for me.

Marquis texted me early afternoon to ask what time he needed to be there and said he was bringing friends. I will interject here, Marquis has never run further than three miles. And he planned to run 6 miles. He brought his friend (and mine) Harpreet, and Harpreet's girlfriend Christina. An actual runner, marathon finisher herself.

These three were Godsends, especially considering the physical and mental fatigue he was feeling.

A couple of highlights with these guys, the full on chest bump when Marquis finished his 6 mile stretch was wildly popular with the aid station and radio volunteers. It was quite impressive. I can't jump that high on a trampoline.

And Harpreet came back to the car to get Steve's long pants at mile 75 because it was cold. As he sprinted to catch up with Steve another runner said to his pacer "I don't care if he is a pacer, that's just wrong". Easily amused at 3:00 a.m. when I've been up since 4:00 a.m. the previous day living out of my car and eating out of a cooler.

These three were invaluable to Steve, as they got him through 25 rough miles. They all let him set his pace, run according to his body, and because of this he was able to run quite a bit of the last 16 miles as the morning arrived and he didn't think he would be able to. They were also invaluable to me as I knew there were three people on the course dedicated to making sure he got to the next aid station, basically he got to me.

I thought I hired a trainer, but I made a friend.

Off in the to sunset with Marquis at mile 57.5.

And the finish line with the race director. Well earned belt buckle and hoodie.

Steve is taking a break from 100 mile races for an "undetermined" amount of time. He has every intention of running, even running ultra's, but will keep it at the 50K and 50 mile distance for awhile.

And maybe some shorter 10 milers with me while I build my endurance and distance back up.


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Does that make me crazy

I got to my 5:45 training appointment an hour early. I figured I'd put my hour to good use and run. 3.5 mile loop.

Three quarters of a mile to go I was struggling. But if the timing was right Steve and Whitney might drive by and see me walking.

So I wouldn't walk.

I didn't want the people who see me at my very worst catch me walking. Some weird kind of pride.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Of detox (headaches and hunger pains)

I lasted one day ONE DAY! on Marquis detox plan.

3 mile run

Shake one - V8, kale, spinach, strawberries and protein. Taste wasn't bad.

Shake two - standard protein shake, chocolate covered strawberry, it was good.

Lunch was a huge salad. With fat free French dressing.

Then I had more V8 and an orange and about 3 glasses of green tea.

At 4:30 I got home from work to get ready for my training work out.

Steve says "you know, you don't have to do this". I went straight to the kitchen for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I talked with Marquis about adding more food and trying again. More like a body builder building lean muscle.

Will see. I have this problem.

I LOVE FOOD!


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Does that make me crazy

I love cake. Never been a secret.

This week I made a caramel apple cake with caramel frosting.

Some flavors just don't translate well to cake. Over half of it went in the trash.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Of senior pictures, college applications, races, detox and anniversary plans

I have so much to talk about. Work has been crazy since June, but I finally feel under control with all the new stuff I was given and the increased work load, so I will be catching up with my "online journaling". Our new motto at work seems to be "to do less with more until we are doing everything with nobody".

Anyway, FAFSAs done, college applications to two first choice local colleges done, second ACT scheduled, transcripts sent, countdown in place (12 weeks to go).

Senior pictures taken by the always awesome Melissa Dinsmore, friend extraordinaire from Newspring, we have another session scheduled in casual clothes with Belle. Ought to be fun. Here are my top three (I think) favorite pictures.

I signed up for a 5K next week, Rosstoberfest 5K. Rosstoberfest benefits Muscular Dystrophy. Ross of Rosstoberfest was the manager of the Heights baseball team Nate's senior year of high school. Nate has volunteered to help at the race. In honor of Ross. Running with the sweetest lady on earth, Meredith Gannon. We ran the color me rad 5K together in April, cold and rainy. Guess what? In a startlingly expected turn of events, the high on Saturday is going to be 66 degrees. Which means a much cooler start to the day. But it will be fun!!! Anytime spent with Meredith is fun.

Marquis wants to put together a 21 day detox plan for his clients. But he wants to work on the recipes and a way to add salad, protein, etc. and make it all taste good and I have been volunteered to be his guinea pig and blog about it on his website. You all will be kept up to speed on it as well. Will have to see what happens. Fortunately I can afford to do a 21 day detox after my lack of exercise due to the knee surgery.

My parents 50th wedding anniversary is this December. We are planning a surprise reception. SHHHHH! Don't tell them. They are computer illiterate, and even after all this time, don't know what a blog is and don't know I have one. Anyway, 50 years is a big dang deal!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Chips off the block

Went to my happy place Barnes & Noble this weekend. Took my offspring. This is one of the few places where I know we definitely share DNA.

We each left with a book.


Makes us look pretty cerebral, right? Except you didn't see us laughing hysterically over the ghost book. I mean a small book with pictures of ghosts on one page and on the other page a description of the ghost. Emo ghost. Swiss Cheese ghost. You get the idea.



Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

These smell equally good.

One tastes better, but one is zero calorie.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Finish the course.

Acts 20:24
"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race (course) and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."

Steve finished his race last weekend and made the comment that not everyone "ran the same course".

I found this interesting, because it was the same loop for the marathon, the 50 mile and the 100 mile. The marathon was one loop (one extremely tough brutal loop, I ran it last year), the 50 mile was two brutal loops, and the 100 was 4 brutal loops.

Steve said that even though it was single track (single file running), a narrow trail, people still didn't put their feet in the same places. Some weaved around rocks, some went over them, some walked over them.

Whether it was avoidance or straight through, it had a lot to do with knowledge of that trail, experience, and training.

There are people who run that trail weekly. There are people who have never seen it before.

There are people who train on like terrain. There are people who never train on this type of course.

What happens for those that are successful, they run it to their strength. Whether its familiarity, similarity, or just bulldogged determination, those that finish race all have this thing it's hard to put into words. The emotions the runners have when they finish is worth a case study.

One girl came in and said "I just want to sit down". One guy had to be helped to his lawn chair and his girlfriend took off his shoes and he rehashed the night hours with his friends and family.

Steve came in and sat down and wolfed down his Egg McMuffin and wanted a shower. His feet were blistered and sore. He was emotional after being up for 30 hard hours. But after his sandwich and shower and fresh clothes, he was a whole new person. Planning the next four races.

Whatever your course, you may choose to step in different places on the path.

But my biggest challenge right now in several areas is to finish my course. Some are marathons, some are sprints. I fail, I start over. I'd like to quit failing and finish.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Hawk 100

I did it! I sat through another 100 mile race of Steve's. And I enjoyed it, just like every other one.

He did amazing. And we went and worked out tonight and I watched him push the prowler and do tuck jumps and run the track and he's already 100% three days later. So proud of him.



You can read all about his adventure here.

I sat in my reclining lawn chair with a book and a cooler of diet coke. And had a thoroughly enjoyable weekend. No adventures, so human interest stories, I was a hermit and I loved it.


Friday, September 13, 2013

Post knee surgery

I got to run this week!!! Two miles. And it went surprisingly well. Wanted to run more than I did but work has been insane. (Unfortunately they don't consider me getting my feelings hurt a safety concern.) So next week full on training time.

Steve ran it with me, let me walk when I wanted to, pushed me, encouraged me, it was really great to get that first run back under my feet and realize I haven't lost it. At least lost what I actually had.

The last two weeks with Marquis I've been able to go full steam as well. We now work out 5 days a week, and he has once again "taken us to the next level". This one is apparently one step closer to death fitness.

We did one circuit that was pushing the prowler, then suicides, flipping the tire, then more suicides, than hang cleans, and yes, more suicides. There was a time where flipping the tire was suicide. I love his workouts, I love him. He's been a wonderful addition to my life.

I am "training" for a 5K (running with Meredith and Sheila) and then the 10 mile Turkey Trot the Saturday before Thanksgiving. After that, will see what I feel up to. No long term goals right now except to get back to running. Since I was mildly envious of Carrie telling me tonight at dinner about her half marathon this Saturday. She showed me the route, it's all by the river on the bike paths, my favorite place to run in town. Thrilled for her, just wish I was running it too, so yep, half marathon/marathon will be in my 2014. Anyone wanna come along?

Anyway, race weekend for Steve, 100 mile time. I love watching him run, and this is fairly local so I get to see lots of runner friends that I love so I'm looking forward to crewing/cheering and sleeping in the great outdoors. I get to try out my new reclining/rocking lawn chairs.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

My Goat Knows

There is this song that goes through my head on occasion. Weird occasions.

Sung to the tune of "Michael Row Your Boat Ashore".

"My goat knows the bowling score hallelujah"

If I sing this around my brothers we all laugh. Just like saying "two penguins are sitting in a hot tub". Family jokes.

"I don't have your stupid donkey" favorite text I ever got from Nate

And those inside jokes with friends. Sheila and I can start many conversations with "you remember that one time you almost died". Our workout group went out to eat before the college kids left and Sheila and I sat together (of course) and laughed till we cried. Whitney and Emily kept looking at us, thinking we were talking about them, but what they don't know is, WE HAVE OTHER STUFF TO TALK ABOUT!

Steve and I have code words for things. We can talk about stuff and no one else knows what we are talking about. Some of our codes are things that are so mainstream that we can talk about them in public and no one would be aware it was code.

Shared memories. Inside jokes. Secrets.

It's so good to belong. To be part of the crowd, to know the stories and the jokes.

It's good to be part of community.

It's also good to meet new friends and make your community bigger.

It's also good to be alone.

But mostly, it's just good to laugh.

You know, remember that one time I almost died????

Monday, September 9, 2013

Lion Fighting

II Samuel 23:20 "Benaiah chased a lion down into a pit. Then, despite the snow and slippery ground, he caught the lion and killed it."

A one verse story in the Bible.

Marquis made me think of this today talking about fighting lions.

There's a lot more that can be said about Benaiah. He was one of David's "mighty men". He was one of David's generals in his army, he was one of David's bodyguards. He was also known for killing an Egyptian with the Egyptians own spear. You know, kind of like the modern day having your own gun taken from your hand and getting shot with it.

All that to say Benaiah was tough.

If I was telling this story to a Sunday School class, I'd certainly hit on all the other parts of his life to set the stage for what a man he was.

But this one verse, he CHASED the lion. He wasn't napping in a cave when the lion came in. He wasn't thrown into a den of lions where God sealed their mouths (which is equally awesome). He went after him. And it said he went down into a pit. Despite the snow and slippery ground. Bad conditions. Caught it and killed it. I really wish we had more of this story. GIVE ME DETAILS!!!

That confidence. That faith in yourself. I'm scared to walk on the snow and slippery ground, even without the lion around.

I think it might be time to go after it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Conversations with Whitney

"Two of my three sisters are married yet I have never been a bridesmaid. This troubles me greatly."

"If you are ever having trouble on a test, just write "Jesus" for the answer because Jesus is always the answer".

"Well, I was in a good mood today for like an hour"

"Your phone takes the most awesome pictures of me ever"

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Dumbest Decision Ever

Steve and I were talking the other night and he said "that was the dumbest decision I ever made". While I was thrilled about the situation he said was his dumbest, it made me start thinking about my dumb decision.

There have been a lot of them.

The gray sweater mini dress, the hair cut when I was 22, that one job change, that one guy I dated, the one night in Indianapolis, those words, that friendship, I could go on (and on and on).

At work today someone said they wished there were do overs.

You know what? There are.

Lamentations 3:22-23

"It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness."


Do overs. Thank God. Cause I need them.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

back to school

I went to parent swap day for Whitney. I went Nate's senior year. That was 4 years ago.

I would rather work my 10 hour day then go to school for 4 of her hours. Government was interesting, we talked about Egypt and the Muslim Brotherhood and religious war and why American was in Syria yet and read part of the Constitution. Very cool. But the rest?? Snoozers. Boring teachers, some tried too hard, subject matter, but it was my last one.

It's not been a great weekend, it's a holiday weekend, I have extra days off from work, but just a lot of stuff happened this weekend that drug me down. Way down. Ruined the weekend I was looking forward to. And I'm pretty protective of my time away from work and how I spend it and I get pretty childish when someone else determines how I will spend it. Not very flexible like that. I want say in my life now. For 21 years small people have held me hostage and I want control at least partially.

So I'll look forward to Thanksgiving break.

This is what happens when I say I had a good day. The rest of my week goes downhill.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

Someone in my house kindly did my dishes. I'm very grateful.

But as I unloaded it I rinsed some of them and put them back in the dish washer.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

good day

You ever just have a good day?

I did today. My supplier that had been trying for 3 weeks to get me a good part finally did. This part, a little door latch, actually made me cry a few times. But by Friday I'm all caught up.

I got a raise. A good one. With a promotion.

And I'm able to work out full stream again. Got some catching up to do but will get it.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Be careful what you look for

The Internet makes it so much easier to see what people you used to know are up to.

I don't look up old boyfriends, don't care.

I have looked for high school teachers.

I'm actually face book friends with the girl I was meanest to in high school. And honestly I care about her life and love seeing pictures of her boys.

The other day I looked at pictures of a girl I don't care much for. Apparently she's got good stuff going on in her life. I'd like to be big enough to be happy for her, but not yet. (It took me 20 years after high school, I will get there). And I saw a picture that she looked good in. That pains me to admit.

So be careful what you look for, you may not like what you see. Lol.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Does that make me crazy?

I stood in the aisle at the store holding the most awesomely beautiful chocolate brown swimsuit.

Favorite designer, Betsey Johnson.

Perfect size.

On clearance from $154.00 to $23.00.

And had a mild anxiety attack about whether to buy it for my 17 year old daughter.

Friday, August 16, 2013

conversations with Whitney

Her wallet, my wallet.



Apple not far from the tree.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

does that make me crazy?



I hate this saying. For a lot of reasons.

It teaches that skinny is better regardless of health.

It promotes poor self image in women genetically predispositioned for imperfection.

And today, I would argue that the pumpkin pie Priscilla brought in tastes better than skinny.

And the hot dog and onion rings Mark is eating probably taste better than my peach, cherry tomatoes and mushrooms, celery and diet coke.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Shame

If you were raised anything like me, in the ultra conservative fundamental Baptist (insert other denominations) way, you know shame. You know guilt. You were taught how to feel it. You were "shamed" on purpose.

I think it's a necessary feeling, really, but it's not one we should carry. I think we should from time to time be ashamed of our actions and feel guilt for those we hurt. But we shouldn't carry it with us.

Unfortunatly for me, shame and guilt run deep. Tentacles wrap around me and squeeze so tight sometimes I can't breathe.

Shame for my behavior is one thing. I know what to do with it. Jesus covered it with his blood. I just need to invite him in to my dark moments and give it to him and then NEVER TAKE IT BACK.

The one that is hard for me is feeling shame over other people's behavior. When I feel shame for my kids or guilt over their behavior. I take it and twist their behavior and try to make it my fault. I say "what did I do that caused you to step over that line?" "What didn't I do for you that left that hole in your life that you've tried to fill with something immoral, illegal, illogical unhealthy?"

When I see Steve and think "if I'd been a better wife that wouldn't have happened" or even, "if I'd been a better wife he would've had success in this area".

There is a difference in feeling shame and feeling convicted of sin.

John 8:1-11 tells the story of a woman who felt shame. I talked once long ago about the character in the Bible I most relate to and it was the woman who was caught in adultery and taken to Jesus. This story has been close to me for all of my adult life because of this. God forgives the most heinous acts of sin and rebellion. He forgave me. Not just the public acts, the despicable ones, the things people look down on me for, but the hidden ones that know one else sees. He forgives. Everything. Always. For anyone who asks.

So my guilt and shame? It's mine. And I only feel it because I choose to hold onto it. There is release. There is relief. Their is forgiveness.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Where does the time go?

Whitney turned 17 years old yesterday. Got her drivers license. Starts her senior year of college. But that's not what I'm talking about.

I didn't blog at all last week. How did that happen?

The only thing I can guess is that work is stupid busy. And I'm pretty shocked at how tired I've been with the knee surgery. I've gone back to working out, the first week I just did core and my physical therapy exercises, the second week (last week) since I'm 80% strength and mobility, I think I'm pretty tough. Turns out no surprise there, I'm never as tough as I think I am. Or I am as tough as I think I am at the moment, but then I pay for it.

Wednesday Marquis had all the college kids he's been training working out with us too, as well as Whitney and Mark (cross country high school junior). 400 meter dashes on the track. I ran the 400 meter dashes distance, but there was no dashing involved. Everyone else though, they moved right along. I did of them, for a total mile. Felt pretty good while I was running and for the rest of the workout. Then came Thursday. My knee hurt, my legs hurt, and I was tired.

Friday was better, so I went and worked out, but limited it quite a bit.

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days. I'm doing extremely good, but I expect I should be well and I'm not. I'm pretty impatient.

So I have decided to train and run the 10 mile turkey trot. Start out really low mileage and take care of myself while I do this.

Now what do I do with my baby turning 17 and starting her senior year of high school?

Here's the going away dinner for the college athletes. Emily left yesterday. Not sure about the boys.