Sunday, December 30, 2012

training update

I'm starting to run again this week. YAY! The feetsleeves I got for my plantar fasciitis have worked. A pair of $50.00 compression socks with a weird heel with no toes in them. Plus kinesiology tape when I work out. Has done wonders. I also think the rest right away when it started hurting helped.

I have several marathons and even a few ultra marathons I'm looking at. April I'm thinking I will attempt a 40 mile at Clinton Lake. Steve is running a 100K there, there are lots of runners, lots of distances, and I've run there before, even though it kicked my tail. This one...

And then if I stay healthy Steve said he would run the Lunar Trek 100K with me in July. That was the night run I turned from 22 miles into 25 ish.

We are still working out with Marquis three times a week, hour sessions and plan to continue forever. It has done wonders for me and Steve. I like being strong and healthy.

So here's hoping to staying healthy and relatively pain free!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I choose joy

I haven't blogged as much this month as I normally do. There's been a lot to do and I've just needed to unwind some. Now that I'm off work for 11 days, haven't been running for two weeks and Christmas is over, I find myself bored with some free time.

I have some projects, I cleaned out my closet and organized mine and Steve's. We have way too much running gear and race tee shirts. But I'm keeping them all. I need to get some 75% wrapping paper and name tags for next year. The tree has to stay up till after the 29th when we celebrate Christmas with my brothers and sister in law and nephews. Looking forward to it.

Some highlights of my Christmas:

Nate home for 5 days

Dinner with Jake and Carrie

Every gift I got. Especially my bracelet from Whitney that says "fearless".

Christmas Eve Candlelight service. So low key. So lovely. So in the spirit of Jesus coming and bringing peace. And this sweet thing sitting next to me with her candle singing carols.

Les Miserables on Christmas night with Steve, Whitney and Nate. Steve singing along to all the songs, Whitney saying after "yeah, that's Wolverine and Gladiator" and Nate saying "I've read the book, but I didn't know it was a MUSICAL."

Pumpkin pie

Delivering home made/home baked presents

This was the best Christmas I've had in a long time. Starting to feel that much needed peace in my life. Joy. Not that everything is right, not that things can't be better. Things just are. Life just is. I have Jesus. I have the love of my family and truly wonderful friends. I have a good job that I rather enjoy.

I looke forward to next year, no matter what it brings. God is truly on the throne.

I embrace peace.

I choose joy.

Thursday, December 20, 2012


i have found peace in some areas of my life that i have been desperately needing it.

laid some things down. gave some things up. peace.

i hope the holidays give you peace. whether it's brief moments of peace or like me, peace in areas of your life where it has been lacking.

peace on earth. goodwill toward men. something we should pursue year round, not just at christmas.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

give a little bit

Life has been crazy for the last couple weeks. I’ve been moved to a new desk at work, all new accounts and they have not been managed as well as they should have. With all new accounts, suppliers, and co-workers, it’s been a little challenging, but it’s starting to level out. It’s a good move, just not one I would’ve looked for.

Been busier at home trying to get ready for Christmas. In my effort to show love this year I have been trying to be thoughtful and do things that are special. When you open yourself up for this, you find all kinds of ways available.

I have made several Christmas presents. Very cool stuff. I am making cake balls and oreo balls (special request from Whitney’s teachers) for friends and teachers.

Whitney is throwing a baby shower for a friend from school this week (yes, I know how very sad it is that high school students are giving birth) and this is requiring pink cake balls and the most adorable tiny little lime green and pink tutu you’ve ever seen.

I was thinking about some of the stuff I was planning to do for Christmas and then thought about not doing it and then heard a sermon “Secrets of the Wise Men” on Sunday and I’m going to do the things God spoke into my heart. They are not earth changing, they are not expensive. But I’m going to believe if God placed the idea in my head, then it will be well worth the giving. Jeff told a story about a little boy in a third world country that was in school with an American teacher who was explaining the meaning of Christmas and that the gifts represent the greatest gift that was given to us and we give gifts to those we love at this time of year in remembrance of that.

The young boy brought her the most beautiful sea shell, only found at a specific beach 3 miles walk away. She commented on the long walk he had made to get the shell. He told her that the long walk was part of the gift.

I want to recognize "the long walk" that comes with the gifts. It's so easy to overlook the acts of kindness that are done for us behind what we actually see.

I know it’s a sad time of year for so many. I pray the peace of Jesus for everyone who reads this today. I hope you are showered with the peace and love of the gift we are celebrating this time of year.

Monday, December 17, 2012

seven weeks out

I dropped my registration from my first 50 mile attempt this weekend.

Since the Turkey Trot November 17 I have developed plantar fasciitis (again). Not sure exactly when, but I ran a long run with Steve two weeks ago and it bothered me.

I babied it and felt better and last Saturday ran a longer run with Steve and it killed me all week. So I didn’t run at all other than in my workouts with Marquis. Yesterday I sent the email dropping out of the race.

Today my feet feel better than they have in a month.

I still plan to take two weeks off from running to make sure they are healed. I have kinesiology tape and a foot sleeve I’m wearing to insure I get them well.

I’m getting new running shoes this week before I start running.

I was pretty disappointed. And then today as I looked at all the races coming up that I can do that I hadn’t registered for because I didn’t know how long it would take for me to feel better my spirits lifted quite a bit.

I’m going to sign up for a couple of races in the spring.

My first attempt at an ultra is now going to be April 20. It’s a 40 mile race, not a 50 mile. I still intend to try a 50 mile this year. I have my training plan worked out and I will be taking better care of my feet to avoid this problem as much as possible going forward.

I will also keep track of how many miles I put on my shoes. I think I need to replace both my street shoes and my trail shoes for safety sake and start keeping a log.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

role models

there is some controversy surrounding the best player in college football, manziel, this year's heisman winner.

apparently he was arrested and had a fake id.

the controversy is the integrity of the football player and the award. it shouldn't go to the best player, it should go to the best player with the highest morals, etc. because "ten year old boys look up to him".

this whole thing saddened me. coming on the tails of the kc chiefs player killing his girlfriend and committing suicide and the dallas cowboys player with the driving while intoxicated we have all kinds of football players being bad examples.

we are overlooking the good examples. i'm not even talking the overtly outspoken christian players. there are so many good men on the football field that work hard, provide for their families, obey the laws and do good.

but we expect them to be heroes.

one thing i know, my life wouldn't live up to that level of scrutiny. i had a fake id. i've told a lie (or two million). i had sex before i was married. i've bounced a check. i could go on. but basically all this says i'm not perfect. you know, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

on the issue of role models, we are responsible for our children. the ones god gives us. the ones he places in our homes. we need to teach them right and wrong. we need to teach them to follow god. help them develop a conscience. a love for god that keeps them on the straight and narrow, or at the very least provides a solid foundation so that when if they stray they return to him.

being mad at espn and the college football world and a 19 year old with a golden arm for throwing a football because he is not the perfect role model for your child is expecting too much and frankly is unfair.

the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" might be true in some respects, but when i answer to god for how i raised my son it's going to be me. albert puhols is not going to be standing beside me saying, "no god, that's on me. he looked up to me from miles away and i let him down. i didn't know him, or that he personally existed, but i should have been perfect, as you were perfect, so that he could aspire to be like me. and i don't know his family's values and what they taught him, but i should have met their standard regardless because i'm a famous baseball player."

this may be an extreme example, but i believe that we should teach our kids that it's okay to want to be like sports stars, where the sports part of it comes into play. but in their personal lives, we need to teach them the ways of god. the ways of being good and responsible members of society.

and show them real men as role models.

a math teacher who had life choices i wouldn't agree with, but his professional life and the way he treated my children was above repraoach.

the youth pastor that was overly competitive at sports and really didn't excel at them, but lived a hugely sacrificial life for his family and ministry.

the fifth grade teacher that invested in my son as a small group bible study leader that he still admires

a hillbilly that coached baseball just because he loved the game and showed nate you could win and have fun doing it.

own your behavior. teach your children to own theirs. and use this situation as an object lesson, if nothing else.

manziel did something illegal. he was arrested. no matter how good you are at football, you still answer to the law.

Monday, December 10, 2012

the meaning of christmas

what does it mean to you?

the birth of baby jesus?

celebrating the people you love?

giving gifts?

receiving gifts?


all of the above?

i told nate the other day that my birthday was just an excuse to be selfish and eat cake. kind of kidding, kind of not. i actually told steve when he asked what i wanted for my birthday that i want everything. (i didn't get it, i guess i'm not the spoiled wife, lol. reality is, i had a great birthday.)

nate texted me on my birthday and said "i'm glad you were born".

i've thought about those words a lot. we celebrate the day someone was born. i'm all for that. i love to celebrate the people i love.

this is attitude i want to have about christmas this year. i want to show that i'm glad jesus was born.

what do i think would make jesus feel celebrated? the greatest commandment is this, love your neighbor as you love yourself.

i'm trying to find ways to show love.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

eight weeks

yesterday i ran with steve and we left later than we wanted to so we knew we would be racing on the trail to beat the sun going down. we are finally feeling winter here in kansas, yesterday was chilly and drizzly most of the day. it was bearable, even with the moisture and the damp air. today would not have been.

the whole 5 hours yesterday i was focused on one thing. the two hours i would have today. i didn't make it. i managed an hour workout tonight and then i was done.

saturday after running we went and did three hours of christmas shopping and my feet and legs were hating me. today i feel pretty good.

the workouts with marquis continue. and continue to kick my butt. they are harder and more intense every time. which is the plan. i'm definitely stronger than i was. i'm faster too, but only for short distances. i can run my sprints much faster than before. and my fastest mile yesterday was mile 18. so after running 17 miles i was still able to speed up and run even faster that i had been.

steve was running four miles further than me yesterday, so with an hour from home i had him go on ahead so he would get the most of daylight too. i snapped this picture as he was running ahead. it even looks cold.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

another year older...

i am another year older. another year wiser. another year stronger.

and i am glad i'm another year older. am i the only one who gets reflective around my birthday(s)?

the weekend before thankgsgiving i had the chance to think about my age and place in life.

whitney and i went to target. as we were walking out i saw a family heading in. brought back memories, i wanted to laugh so bad. the dad was walking a little ahead of the family, only because he was taller and walked faster (or so i choose to believe) and looked like he would rather be anyplace else. the mom was pushing a cart into the store holding a baby down in the child seat so he wouldn't stand up. another child was hanging off the edge of the cart and two elementary age children were walking with her with one saying, "mom, can i have, can i have..."

i was walking out of the store with whitney holding the keys (because she drives us everywhere) carrying the bag with our four purchases, my bunch of broccoli for broccoli slaw and saline solution and her two birthday gifts for friends that she paid for.

i have loved every stage of my kids lives; babies to teenagers. every stage was precious. from poopy diapers and sleepless nights to elementary age missing two front teeth to the awkward middle school years with their little round baby fat faces and know it all attitudes to high school activities and first dates and heartbreaks and more sleepless nights.

i love the adult children stage. my kids are awesome. not for anything they do or have done. not for their amazing accomplishments at young ages. but for who they are. for what they have learned. for how they behave. they've all screwed up. made bad decisions. but they have learned (or are learning) from them. will they ever be perfect? heck no, (they are my kids, after all). and i'm happy to turn their lives over to them, with the knowledge that though none of us are perfect, i did the very best i could, and i trust that they will continue to grow and learn knowing that i'm so proud of them i could bust.

second example, (must remember to run with headphones) running the turkey trot i was in front of two 20 year old something women on the bike path. i was not eavesdropping. i would've done anything to have not been able to hear them. but they were talking about a 42 year old woman one of them works with and a situation in her life. conversation went something like this:

"yeh, she's 42. doesn't she know how old she is?'
"i know. at some point your body is just too old for some stuff. what was she thinking"

at this point i put my 4 months of sprint training into place and ran off and left them in my dust, with my 44 years and 11 month old body. when i finished the race and looked at final results i am proud to say that in my age group the girls represented. i was 51 out 55 in the 41 - 45 year old age group. that means 51 women 41 or older outran their young butts. i really get that running is something you train for and this was most likely not the first 10 miler that the majority of the 55 women ran, while i know it was one of these 20 somethings first.

here's the thing, i bet all 55 of us know EXACTLY how old we are, and we know what our bodies are capable of. and there were many many many 20 somethings ahead of me. i'm okay with that. and you can think i'm old. just don't tell me what i'm capable of. because i can do anything. better than i could back in the day.

starting line of the turkey trot

i've quote my friend carrie here before, but it's worth repeating because it is so true.

my 44 year old marathon running tire flipping push up doing bear crawling hill sprinting child bearing calorie counting body would kick my 21 year old butt.

i kind of live quoting scriptures to myself, and this one for working out and running does push me along.

ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

so today, on my birthday, i celebrate. every milestone. every experience.

and look forward to next year.

i would love new earphones for my birthday.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

does that make me crazy?

we celebrated a birthday at work. they had cake.

no cake is better than sex.

Monday, November 26, 2012


this is my christmas tree.

i think it's beautiful. (of course i do, otherwise i would change it up). you can't see all my ornaments, but it has quite a collection of random awesomeness on it. two simba ornaments circa 1993. the twelve days of christmas bells that were a promotional item when i worked at j.c. penneys in the late 80's. then angel in the maroon dress that i bought unfinished and painted. the sock monkey. the wreath with nate's name on it from 1st grade. whitney's ice cream stick nativity. you can't see the cow on skis that i got my senior year of high school. or the our first christmas ornament from 1995. steve's treble clef from his senior year of high school.

i love looking at my ornaments. all of them are special. some because of sentiment, some because they are pretty. steve and i put the tree up, he helped with lights and then i did the rest. i picked out exactly what ornaments to put on it. there are some i didn't get out. they have no "special" to them or i don't think they are pretty.

i am planning to redo my living room sometime next month. i was looking for hymns for a project and got out one of the old hymnals to look for my favorites, needing favorite hymns that happen to be in that book and laid out correctly. as i flipped through the pages the melodies rolled through my mind. memories of church as a child, my dad leading some of these hymns, my grandma playing them on the piano, two girls singing a duet of one of them in elementary school.

i've been alive long enough now and my kids are old enough that we actually have family traditions. nothing earth shattering. but things we do that are expected. it's familiar and comfortable. i hope they someday remember these fondly.

me and my memories. i hold on to some of them. i try to let go of others. christmas is always a time for walking down memory lane. it's a place on the timeline of life that rolls around every year. measurable. i hope next year at this time when i remember christmas past and years past that i have no regrets for how i spent 2013.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

ten weeks

ten weeks till i attempt my first ultramarathon. i have until the first week of january to drop and get my money back. not that i plan on that, but i do know i have that option...

i haven't felt much like sharing. not that there isn't a lot going on, there always is. new grandbaby, nate's been home twice, new running clothes, whitney got her nose pierced (my first trip to a tattoo parlor) major indoor soccer league soccer game, movies, running, training, church, christmas pre-shopping, job change at work...

you know, just life. hopefully i'll shake off my whatever it is and get back in the full swing of life.

in the meantime, happy holiday season to everyone!!!

enjoy the lights, the crowds, the music, and a wee little bit of the sweet treats!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

i get by with a little help from my friends

today is sheila's birthday.

everyone needs a friend like sheila.

when i told her i was going to train for a half marathon she didn't laugh or belittle me or say i couldn't do it. she asked for my training plan and ran with me.

that was over 4 yearsago.

last month we ran our 4th half marathon together, (i don't know how many races total we've run together and separate, it's a lot). when i wiped out at mile 13, she came to help me up and check on me to make sure i was okay.

three weeks later when i was at her house we were talking about it and she laughed. describing it. how i was so excited to be finishing. how it looked like slow motion. how i jumped up and kept running. she laughed so hard she couldn't talk.

yep, everyone needs a friend like this.

a friend all in for the crazy stuff, yet compassionate and caring when you're down and ABLE TO LAUGH HER BUTT OFF AT YOUR when it's all said and done.

happy birthday sheila!

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

does that make me crazy?

yes, this DOES make me crazy.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

the adventures of wander woman

life is an adventure.

everyday there is something to be excited about.

someone to love.

something to do.

this week totally got away from me. it was crazy busy and whitney and were both sick and just so much stuff going on.

we had two meetings/parties/lunches with two local running organizations this weekend. food was good, and we love the people in our running community.

i ran the turkey trot for the fifth straight year. my plan was to "stay" with steve, he's been running for a week after 3.5 months off for back surgery. we got to mile 2 in seventeen minutes, a pace i cannot maintain and my strategy of staying with steve went out the window and i went to "plan a" which is always the same, finish and feel okay when you get done.

per usual, time was consistent with what i always run, attitude was consistent (meaning i had moments i loved and moments i hated and moments i wished i'd never started running) but when i saw steve at mile 9.5 come back to finish with me it made my race. such a happy girl when that happens.

with the 30 days of thankfulness i see on facebook i've had moments where i've thought about what i'm thankful for this month.

it has varied from the altruistic

thankful for my healthy kids
thankful for my job and benefits

to the extremely shallow and selfish

thankful for the diet coke in my refrigerator
thankful for my kinesiology tape
thankful for my dvr
thankful for two cars

i have a very blessed life. i'm very aware of that. very thankful for that. i just wish i could always be that way, and not have my moments of selfishness, self pity, self absorption, well, you get the idea. always will be working on that.

mostly, i realize that i love my life. i'm generally very happy. that is in addition to the joy i have with jesus as my savior.

Turkey Trot 2012

now i'm going to go sit on the couch and watch the music awards with steve.

have a great holiday week!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

does that make me crazy?

i found a darling dress on the clearance rack at target because the size was mis-marked.

i paid $5.98 for the dress.

then i paid $12.00 for tights to wear with it.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

why do i exist?

my saturday/sunday facebook and twitter feed had the usual "sermon was so great, i know god answers my prayers", "i'm shutting out the noise and listening to god", "he works all things for my good", just over and over, several churches represented where everyone was so positive and upbeat about what god was doing for them.

i thought this was great. so awesome.

then i went to the 10:45 service at my church sunday morning. i love jeff a little more every week. talked about the attitude of servanthood. attitude of humility. attitude of obedience. did you get that? all things i should be doing. no god's gonna do all this for you (which i get, i believe, i like to hear this too) but what i got was a good talking to about what i should be doing for god.

ended with two questions, why should i have an attitude like christ? to glorify god.

what do i need to surrender today? i don't want to share that. more than one is on the list though.

the last thing i scribbled on my bulletin was this comment made at the end of the sermon...

god does not exist for us, we exist for him.

i have to admit that i get in the mindset that he is at my beck and call. that i have a right to question and whine and even demand. not true.

as i enter the christmas season (i put my tree up today, it's bee-yooo-tee-ful) i want to remember all he did for me. already. and think about why i exist and what i can do for him this christmas season.

the opportunities to give our huge, and i'm working on several. whether it's time, money or energy, i want to fully experience and enjoy the next 6 weeks with christ at the center.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

12 weeks to go

some days i think there is no way i'll be ready and some days i feel very good about the race and myself. i had both those this week.

I didn't get to run as much or as far as i would have like to this week. but today's 6 mile run was one of the best i've had in a while, i was able to pick up speed on the uphill with at five miles and was able to sprint the last 4 blocks, even after the hill.

i also had two of the hardest workouts with marquis yet, one was a 30 minute session in the sand pit. it included throwing medicine balls, sprinting with resistance bands, pulling tractor tires and flipping tractor tires.

all in all, i feel stronger than ever.

and i got to run with steve for the first time in 4 months. he's released to exercise and is so happy about that. a little pain in his back, but he was able to log a 4 mile run and a 6 mile run. i'm pretty happy about that.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

does that make me crazy?

i made a chocolate sheet cake for my girls birthday this weekend. there was too much of it left so i wrapped it up in some rubbermaid and left it on sheila's porch.

the crazy part?

i would give away 6 pieces of cake because i'm sure i could've eaten them all by myself. and whitney and steve would've known it was me. that's my problem with it. not that i can eat 6 pieces of cake. but that i don't want my family to know i could.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

my right to complain

shut the &$%@# up

yep. comment made at work today. “get out and vote. if you don’t, shut the &$%@# up”.

hear it all the time, if you don’t vote you don’t have the right to complain. people who are more familiar with our constitution and our rights feel free to confirm or deny this, but i’m guessing the right to complain is covered in free speech??? and if this is so, i have this right whether i vote or not. i get to complain just because it’s the american way.

i wonder how many other countries watch our uproar over voting on our new leader and laugh at the “united” states of america. could we be more divisive?

but we do have the freedom to elect our own leader.

i don’t say much anything about politics. i know what I believe. i know what is important to me. i know what issues matter to me. i won’t change anyone’s mind or opinion by anything i say, and it’s also my right to keep my opinion to myself. (i rarely do, though). i know that your issues may not be my issues, and that definitely comes into play when we decide who we will vote for. we may agree on 90% of everything, but our important issue, whether it's economy, women's rights, gay rights, pro-life, death penalty (also pro-life??) may be the one deciding factor.

it’s an honor and responsibility to vote, and i will, right after work.

i keep thinking today about proverbs 21:1. the king’s heart is like a flowing stream in the hands of our god. he can direct it where he wills. god changes the hearts of kings. when i think that god can change and direct the hearts of our leaders it gives me peace.

and not just our world leaders, all leaders. business leaders. family leaders. school leaders. church leaders.

no matter who is elected, god is still greater. more powerful. able to direct and change hearts.

just like he had a plan to save the world after its fall when adam sinned, he has a plan for our country (our world) after election today.

no matter who i vote for, no matter if i vote or i don’t, this is one thing that I will never “shut the &$%@# up” about - our god.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

training update

i am loving this weather. perfect running weather.

i had a couple of tough work outs with marquis, i'm loving getting to work hard. i love getting stronger and faster. i love the stress release.

i'm hitting the point in my training plan where i run a lot of miles. longer runs on wednesdays, sundays are longer. lots of miles a week, lots of time spent. and i like it.

i'm trying to be careful and stay healthy. that's my biggest goal, that and getting stronger.

Friday, November 2, 2012

conversations with whitney

gotta love a teacher that tweets pictures of what your high school student is doing in class

she was one of a very few that would dissect the dead rat.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

changing seasons

i’m not very busy. not really. and that makes the fact that i have a whole mountain of stuff to do that much more unbelievable. (stuff i'm behind on).

that could change. i could be busy again. but only as busy as i want to be.

i run, workout (a lot of time, 2 hours at the gym yesterday), watch tv (more than two hours), read, go to church, work, sleep, eat, you know, all the normal stuff. but I no longer have kids in sports and music and drama (no drama as in theater, I have four daughters, there will always be drama). we aren’t volunteering at church (shocked? it’ll happen sometime, just not till god says.)

part none of me misses those busy days. at first I thought i did. but i love my life. the freedom. doing what I want to a large extent.

we have anneshia on sundays still and while i was running up the stairs and sliding down the slide with her over and over and over i asked steve if he was sorry we didn't have the child i wanted when whitney was 2. he made a face at me. he never wanted another child after whitney, and is so glad to be on the final stretch of raising her. honestly, i'm glad i don't have a freshman.

seasons of life. it’s just like weather seasons. they change. i love all four seasons. or eight seasons? however many there are. i love spring – rainy spring and dry spring. I love summer. i love beyond summer into 110 degrees with 100% humidity. i love fall. whether it’s 40 degree fall days or 80 degree fall days (like today, almost makes it worth sleeping in and not running this morning to enjoy the beautiful afternoon), but it is still fall and you can tell. and i love winter, the mild, the snow, the below zero temperatures, the holidays.

i also love my central heating and air, heated car seats, windshields with built in defrosters, boots, full length coats, ice water, swimming pools, cook outs, chili, hot drinks and electric blankets.

seasons of life.

ecclesiastes 3 talks about this - the whole chapter is worth reading, but

verses 1:4

there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

my time for weeping and mourning and healing is about over. god has done such a work in my heart, and i want to laugh and dance and build...

and i love verse 11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

he makes everything beautiful in his time. he understands eternity. he is not bound by time. by our short life spans. when you feel you can't take another day another minute of how things are, remember in his time. and he is not measuring it the way we do.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

in my weakness

last wednesdays workout was rough. my mean girl inner voice doesn’t kick in as much anymore, i manage to mostly be focused on what i’m doing and why i’m doing it and what i want from it. which is different every day, but it’s enough for me to know i want to do it so i do. and when it gets really rough, like the last 5 minutes, this is what was going through my head – “breathe. use your arms. burpees are good for you”. whole different mindset from where I’ve been in the past.

then i got home. i thought i’d do a 15 minute core workout. i did two reps of two exercises and my abs told me no. i listened. but i felt weak. i laid on my floor and thought i should be stronger. but i went and made cake balls for denae and cupcakes for kelsey.

when i woke up the next morning while i was brushing my teeth a verse came to me. the word of the lord spoke to me through previously memorized scripture 2 cor. 12:9 “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” actually, it was more the sound of audio adrenaline singing “in your weakness he is stronger, in your darkness he shines through, when you’re crying he’s your comfort, when you’re all alone, he’s carrying you”.

i hate to be weak. i hate to feel weak. i hate to be told i’m weak, pathetic, pitiful, slow, pick an insult that makes me feel weak, i hate them all. as i’m brushing my teeth and this is rattling around my head i realize that if i’m never weak, god’s strength is never perfected in me. i never tap into his, i do everything in my own power. which makes me weak. and stupid.

i want to continue to get stronger. but i won’t forget that my weakness, although it may come at a different level, is the chance for colossians 1:11 “god will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient.” to be at work in me.

god has never let me down. the roughest times of my life he’s been the closest, strengthening me with his power because i am inadequate, weak, small and unable to make it on my own.

and in a true measure of god’s own great power strengthening me, i didn’t eat cupcakes or cakeballs.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Thursday, October 25, 2012

never give up

this made me laugh.

paired with this one

i had a tough workout today with marquis, but i love that, i love being able to do things i couldn't do a month ago, and i like feeling stronger and healthier (heck, i'm invincible)

it was a hill workout. the hill is .02 of a mile and a pretty steep grade. it included lunges up the hill, high knees with holding at the stop of the jump, squats and jumps to the top of the hill, and squats are my biggest weakness, hardest thing for me to do correctly.

up the hill like i'm skiing, back pedaling up the hill, backward jumps, and bear crawls and other assorted torture, .81 miles of bliss.

we ended with high knee sprints up, jog down, and 10 burpees (decreased by one each sprint) in between the hill sprints. originally he said 7 times, switched to 5 and then said 5 and we'll see. i did the first sprint so well and knocked out the 10 burpees like a pro. turned and headed up the hill, sprinting, knees high arms pumping and thought...i'm gonna die. next time bottom of hill i did the 9 burpees, all the way down to 5. six reps. thought i was gonna pass out at that point.

i am so much stronger, faster, focused, and my belief in myself to do hard things? just continues to get stronger.

i'm a unicorn...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

does that make me crazy

i was sitting in church sunday morning staring at the people the few rows in front of me and had this thought:

ears are weird

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

before i was a sinner

romans 5:6-8 you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us.

we are attending a fairly large christian church close to our home. we have our pros and cons about it. is it the right fit for us? still not sure, but we continue to go back so that must mean something.

one thing i absolutely love about this church is there is no gimmicks. no hooks. no expensive sets. no catchy titles ripped from pop culture. the title of the sermon series started to day is "to live is christ" taken from the book of philippians and the life of the apostle paul. speaks to my old school upbringing. but really, you can't mess it up when you are preaching about the gospel.

anyway, the sermon today was nothing earth shaking or ground breaking for a life time church attender. but it was a great reminder. one question, what is your "one thing"? i'm not sure everyone would say that my one thing was that i loved jesus. not sure how to fix this, but it's something to think about.

the other thing was the scripture above. a reminder that...

before i was a sinner. before my parents were sinners. before any of us were sinners god had a plan to save us. he loved me enough that even knowing what i would do and how i would fail he made a way for me.

when i get the attitude that god owes me something (and i do get this attitude sometimes) or that he has let me down, or that i deserve better (thanks for talking me out of this one last week, rebecca) or why can't he let me be happy, i think about this.

it was paul himself that said i have learned in whatever place i am to be content. learn to be happy where you are. god has given us everything we need to be happy and content.

forgiveness, grace, mercy, eternal life, future with him. to want more, especially here on earth, is setting ourselves up for unhappiness. i believe god wants us to be happy and content. i just believe his idea of our happiness and contentedness is very different than our earthly opinion.

before i was a sinner, christ died for me. for all the sins i have already committed and the ones still in my future. reality is i can't be perfect. i need his forgiveness yesterday, today and all my tomorrows.

i am so glad i can say that jesus died for this unrighteous, ungodly sinner.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

15 weeks to go

15 weeks sounds so far away and yet so close, especially since i didn't run at all this weekend. the week went good, training and all but this weekend flew by and i didn't accomplish all the things i wanted to.

whitney had her sub-state volleyball tournament. we won our first game but lost the second so we don't advance to state. i saw on facebook that everyone elses kids did in volleyball and cross country. i just have to say to that, i'm very proud of my girl and how well she played and the character she displays on her team. (and the one play against washburn rural, defending state champions and number one ranked team in the state where she slid ribs first into the corner of the wooden bleachers with her arms over her head to protect it AFTER SHE MADE THE DIVING PLAY AND KEPT THE BALL IN PLAY made momma nervous, but proud.)

she's glad the season is over. i'm glad the season is over. training gets a lot easier, no practice, no two games a week, no tournaments. and she has decided to take this season off from playing club. she's tired. and she wants a job.

we made a spooky tutu for kelsey for the pommies routine this friday at the football game. it turned out great, very zombieish.

and later this week we are making simba and nala tutu's and manes for whitney and kelsey for halloween. so much fun.

back to training...

i haven't shared my 50 mile goal outside of us. just here on my blog. haven't told my family, unless they read this. haven't told friends, unless they read it here, you get the idea.

i chose the one in texas on an easy course and while i know a few people running there, maybe 6 out of 750, i did this on purpose. i want success at my first attempt. and i figure no matter where i do it, i have to do it on my own.

steve has told me that if i pick a hundred mile next fall after his heartland 100 early in october he will run it with me. we have found one he wants to run as well in december and i'm seriously considering it. will wait till after the 50 mile in february before i decide anything further than marathon distance next year. i have to do the training and finish the race on my own power, but company would be nice.

we both have a lot of races on our wish list race calendar next year, everything from two 4 milers i want to run again to 100 mile races and every distance in between. i'm very excited. hope we both stay healthy.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

conversations with whitney

her junior class is well represented on the volleyball team

three junior varsity players

six varsity players

all adorable

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

lessons from the trail part 16 – falling down

i fall down more than i would like to when i’m running. i would like to never fall down at all.

in south dakota I fell climbing up the mountain. big gash in my leg pouring blood and a bruise that went knee to ankle and the whole outside of my leg. steve was in front of me and since i didn’t yell, he had kept climbing. when we were on our way down he noticed it and checked to make sure i was okay. but he didn’t see me fall, and had i been wearing long pants, i could’ve hid it, at least for the day.

sunday when i ran with sheila i fell. that’s an understatement. a friend of mine, lori, was at the corner at 13 miles. i was walking a few steps with sheila, getting ready to turn the corner and bring it home, looking good for the finish line. lori yelled she wanted me running cause she wanted to take a picture. so thinking i’m feeling pretty good, i take off. and as i go into my happy I’m finishing big smile for pictures i overdo the hopping and skipping and stub my toe and it’s downhill and i can’t right myself and i wend down hard. HARD. skidded on my hands, elbow, knee, hip and then rolled over and sat up. lori runs to me, helps me up, sheila is there worried about me, lori goes on ahead and gets this picture.

i’m laughing at myself, while taking mental inventory of everything that hurts, hurts bad enough i’m not even embarrassed yet, even though i did note all 100+ observers of my humiliation watch me get up and sprint toward the finish. (the sprint was mostly because i could not wait to put this experience and everyone who witnessed it behind me.) i’m actually bruised worse than i am bleeding. but we finish. and the right side of my body is banged up. i was so close to the finish line.

i can’t help but compare this to my spiritual walk and the metaphorical “falling into sin”. when i wipe out into the pit of sin even if no one witnesses it doesn’t change the fact that i did it and there is blood and bruised, hurts and wounds and repercussions to deal with. even if there is no visible sign it still happened. but I can cover it up. make it right with god, and no one ever has to know. i have sin like this. it’s between me and god, and i’m glad everyone doesn’t see it.

there are also those sins that everyone witnesses your colossal wipeout; face first, skidding on your hands and knees, running shoes over elbows trying to right yourself but knowing as you go down in front of everyone that there is no hiding it. even jumping up and moving on, you know you can’t yell “i’m okay” and have anyone believe you.

along with the pain of falling is the humiliation of being seen and everyone knows. i have noticed how people reacted to my wipe out.

lori ran to pick me up.

and then ran ahead and took this picture.

sheila was behind me and ran to pick me up and has checked on me 3 times since then to see if i’m okay.

some people looked away
some laughed
some clapped when I got up
some have shared their own falling down stories with me (there's been a lot of these)

this parallels how people have acted toward me in times of spiritual falling

some ran to pick me up and checked on me, regularly
some looked away
some knocked me back down
some threw salt in the open wounds
some laughed and mocked
some have cheered and clapped and urged me on

falling down/getting knocked down in life is inevitable. getting back up is a necessity. i can do that. i can also pick up others who have fallen as i definitely know what it’s like to fall and fall hard.

Monday, October 15, 2012

what a weekend

saturday steve and i volunteered at the heartland 100. this is one of steve’s favorite races and he deferred his registration till next year. we were at an aid station at 42.5 miles in and then it was 57.5 miles on the way back to the finish. we had a great time. we waited on runners, feeding them soup, sandwiches, crackers, cookies, candy, filling water bottles, popping blisters, taping feet, digging in bags for new socks, shuttling runners who quit back to the finish line. it was a wet, rainy, windy, stormy day. steve was actually not disappointed to volunteering instead of running.

this is the race director’s 11 month old cutie playing in the mud, gotta love moms like this.

this is the first place runner. He was a cutie too. i love that this picture shows the way the sky looked, the muddy country roads that this race is run on, and the runner making his way down the street to the aid station.

sunday i ran the prairie fire half marathon with sheila.

we were as miserable as we looked here crossing the finish line.

i had forgotten how hard asphalt is. the street is harder than sidewalks and much harder than trails. the pounding tore my hip flexors up, and my feet were feeling it. but after a shower, a sandwich and a nap, i felt almost good as new.

Friday, October 12, 2012

conversations with whitney

i hate when my mom says “let me ask dad”.

i’m like, nvm, i didn’t want it that bad anyway.”

...and a professional picture

Thursday, October 11, 2012

in my ongoing personal war against comparison, myself included…

i hate this poster.

i know a lot of people find it moving and inspirational and motivational.

quit comparing yourself to people who are sitting on the couch. if you want to get better, faster, stronger, try chasing after the people who are out there doing it better and faster and more often. train with them. ask them questions. get advice.

and feel good about yourself for what you are doing, not because you are doing something while millions of americans sit on the couch and get lazier and unhealthier. it shouldn’t matter what the rest of the world is doing.


you are special. you. the way you are. regardless of what others say. regardless of how you feel about yourself.

fearfully and wonderfully made. that verse is about you, you know. wonderfully made. SPECIAL!!!

fast or slow
thin or thick
blonde or brunette
rich or poor
married or single
young or not as young
career woman or sahm
successful or struggling

you. YOU - are special.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


this is a follow on to my previous post about sharing too much via social media.

i canceled my pinterest account. i found myself looking at things and wanting things and wanting to make things and spend money on things that i never wanted before. and don’t need. and probably don’t want if i’m really honest.

for example, i have a great black peasant skirt. i saw something on how to wear peasant skirts and immediately took mental inventory of what i had and what i would need to buy (or borrow from whitney) to copy the look.

two problems here. I DON’T NEED NEW CLOTHES. I DON’T WANT TO COPY A LOOK MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN ARE COPYING. and i have some awesome clothes in my closet. (note – i’m wearing my black peasant skirt with a 4 year old orange running chics sheer tee, 75% off orange satin ballet flats and steve’s levi’s jean jacket circa 1988 as i type this).

i also see on pinterest women planning weddings when they aren’t close to being engaged (or even dating). and dressing children they don’t have. i believe this is dangerous, leading lots of women (besides me? or am i the only one that struggles with this?) into dissatisfaction in their lives as well. some dreaming and wanting is okay. but at some point LIVE AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. if i was a guy dating a girl and I looked at her pinterest boards and she had 100 pins for her wedding and 179 of baby stuff it would probably freak me out.

i loved the humor boards until i came across several that were off color, down right raunchy, full of foul language, and the ones about teaching or created by teachers with typos and misspelled words just about send me over the edge.

and my dissatisfaction continued when i looked at facebook. you know about my love hate with facebook. i saw it. the much despised post “my husband just bought me an espresso maker (fancy name and picture). i’m so spoiled”. (you can take a girl out of the 80’s but can’t take the 80’s out of the girl). and i don’t know the story behind the espresso maker. maybe she had been asking for one for a while and he finally got it for her. maybe he was tired of running to starbucks to get her espresso fix for her. or tired of watching the kids while she went. maybe she already had one and it was broken. maybe she was just publically thanking him because he’s the most awesome husband ever. not mine to get worked up over (but i did).

i ask steve why he doesn’t spoil me. he asks, pointedly, “do you want an espresso maker?” NO. because if i did, i could have one. he’d buy it for me or let me go buy it for myself. i realized that by this definition, i am spoiled too. he never tells me no. we just work it into the budget.

i changed my facebook profile picture to this one.

because i would rather have this all day long and twice on sundays instead of an espresso maker or any other expensive gift. a weekend out of town together, a race, a hug at the finish line. when i registered for my first race, a 10 mile in 2008 he registered too. and when i got to the 9 mile mark he had finished his race and come back and was waiting for me and ran the last mile with me. he’s done this more than once. ask me how I know he loves me and how he spoils me? this is one of many examples i can give.

this is not just a “brag about my husband” post. this is me looking at the kind things he does for me. the ways he shows me he loves me. he speaks MY love language, not someone else’s with espresso makers.

how quickly i can become dissatisfied with what i have, with my life in comparison to others. wanting more. wanting what others have. wanting validation from people that shouldn’t be able to speak into my life. steve is special. he is good to me. i don’t need presents, i just need him. and lots of races.

social media. i have to make sure that i get this right for me. i’m not telling anyone else how to manage their social media and how to live. it’s just a cautionary tale of the impact it can have on my life. and my continued search for the correct boundaries.

Monday, October 8, 2012

if you don't know where you are going

steve and i have put together the list of races we want to run next year. (it's exciting).

we have planned a weekend trip the end of this year.

we have budgeted and talked about christmas, what to do for the kids, present ideas.

we are talking about what we want to do after whitney graduates from high school.

i've always been more of a spur of the moment person. never planned too far ahead. i always thought that was my personality. now i'm starting to think it's because my life was so crazy and hectic that i didn't plan stuff because it was all going out the window anyway.

now when i make plans, it's possible to stick with them. i'm rather enjoying that.

i once heard a saying "if you don't know where you are going, you will probably get there". i don't want this to be true. i want to get where i want to get. (deep, huh).

i'd share, but you guys will hear about my races after i run them and whitney still has a year and a half of high school and then we have to see what her plan is for college. if she stays home a year or two we will not leave her. (i'd be happy if she did). and i don't want to tell you about christmas. nothing earth shaking, just trying to do the best we can for our kids where it will most bless them and still be exciting and fun without being needs.

it helps to have a plan. but you have to stick to the plan...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

training update

three workouts a week with marquis. he continues to kill me. about halfway through our second set of exercises he is having to pull me up off the mat. 40 minutes, i get water breaks for about 2 minutes between sets. 6 minutes of breaks. he told me he intends to mix it up so i'll stay sore. YAY!

i can tell a huge difference in my legs. the four miles at the monster dash the other night were easy. the trail was a piece of cake. uphills, downhills, i was able to run without slowing or adjusting my pace or feeling it. i was very pleased with how i felt. along with stronger, i am recovered from the marathon. the shrnrm 3.87 was really hard because i was still dog tired.

after an easy week, this is the start of the first push week, 20 miles this weekend.

and a bonus picture from friday night...these are the monsters that jumped out of the trees to scare me while i was running.

there were 184 runners. i was 100. 61 of 122 females. smack in the middle. it all depends on the race and the registered runners. sometimes i feel fast and accomplished and sometimes i feel out of my depth. but it is always fun.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

the adventures of wander woman

night run...

the monster dash 4 mile run at el dorado lake was a fund raiser for the el dorado high school drama department. the kids from the drama department were hidden on the trail in costume with props and jumped out and yelled and chased us. they are way less scary then mountain lions and snakes so i was fine. it was at the same place the storm the dam half marathon is held, and i kind of like that race too.

it started at 7:30 friday night. it was already dark. there were probably about 100 people, 90 in costume. yours truly was not, but only because i ran out of time to make a batman costume. there were not many headlights or flashlights which led me to assume (i soon found out i was right) that the majority of these people were not 1. trail runners, 2. runners, 3. night runners.

creepiest race shirt ever.

i actually started passing people at .52 miles in. which you all know from 3 of my last 4 races this is a switch. we ran paved roads through the camp grounds and some bike path. about two miles in we veered towards a wooden bridge and i was happy, my favorite portion of trail out at the lake. there was a line of 25 people in front of me. i know, because i counted as i passed them. i had two things on my side they didn't. i had run the trail before, several times, and i had a headlamp.

we hit pavement for about a half mile and right before we headed back into the same loop of trail three women i had passed the first time through went in right in front of me and immediately began walking. i asked to pass them, and they courteously moved out of my way. 50 yards down the trail i hear them behind me and so i asked which side they wanted to pass me on. she says, neither, we want to share your headlamp. so they stayed right on my heels and i yelled, LIMB, ROOTS, ROCK, DUCK (not the animal, the action) until we came out of the trail and hit pavement and then they ran on ahead.

at the finish line there was water, which is normal, and pizza, cookies and beer which is not. there was also a scary movie that would be shown in the amphitheater.

i didn't get my picture taken at the finish line, i veered in from the side. but dressed in black tights, black tee shirt and a headlight, i would've been hard to see. so here is a selfie.

anneshia is spending the weekend with us. took her to the race. steve said she cried when i ran off. forget how different life is for a 3 year old. when i crossed the finish line she was waiting there with steve and she says, gigi, you're fast.

the costumes and ghosts didn't bother her, the big spiders were fine, but she didn't like the creepy skulls.

Friday, October 5, 2012

conversations with whitney


live action - taken with my cell phone while i sat in the bleachers. didn't try real hard, but you get the idea how i've spent the last two saturdays and the next three...and many weekends of the last 5 years.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

i have questions

when your co-worker has a “tail” clipped to the back of their clothes, do you tell them?

do some places actually have gradual changes in the weather or does everywhere see 30 degree temperature changes in a 12 hour period?

when I’m working out with marquis and have an audience waiting to see “how long it will be before she punches him”, is it too extreme?

how do you know when a 16 year old girl is really okay? moods change faster than the kansas weather.

you can unfriend/unfollow people on facebook and twitter. you can block them. Is there a way to wipe your mind clean of them? why can’t my mind be like an etch a sketch, turn it upside down and shake it clean. oooooh, better yet, a virus cleaner for your mind. yep, someone please invent this. and make it affordable.

how long can you sit in a meeting getting asked questions you can’t answer before you realize that they think you are someone else? well, not someone else, but they think that you do a different job then you do? really awkward meeting.

how long is it okay to dream about blowing an unexpected lump sum of money (ie. bonus/found money) before deciding to do the responsible thing?

can you maintain a “healthy lifestyle” and eat a piece of cake everyday?

do you have a friend you are close enough to buy her a pair of panties as a gift? that is a really close friend. whitney did this last week for a friend of hers. it was a moment when i wandered if i was not close enough to my friends to buy them panties or if i was close enough to know better than to buy them panties. denae loved them.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


rarely seen together, this is steve and his three younger brothers. taken at grandma's funeral on monday before one went back to nebraska and one went back to illinois.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

common sense

today i was reading proverbs chapter 2, talking about common sense. there is a misconception that coomon sense and wisdom can be taught. I always thought you were born with it or without it. proverbs states that god gives them. tells us to beg for them.

verses 3-4

beg as loud as you can
for good common sense.
search for wisdom
as you would search for silver
or hidden treasure.

if you or someone you know is lacking, now you know why. time to start begging god.

i wander if part of begging god for common sense and seeking him for wisdom is in facing a difficult decision and turning to him for guidance and not just rolling full steam ahead. sometimes i think i get ahead of god and when i do that chances are real good i will take the wrong path. maybe, just maybe, if i took the time to search for wisdom and beg loudly for good commmon sense i'd save myself some heartache.

my mom always said "he ain't got the sense god gave a goose." i know geese with more sense then some humans. guess they are asking god.

Monday, October 1, 2012

at the cross

sunday morning as we were walking into church i said a little prayer asking god to help me pay attention, listen for him and let him speak. it's so easy to let my mind wander during a service.

example, young man sits down in front of us and i tell whitney there is a guy for her, she should move up and sit by him. it was a joke, he was a geek, i have nothing against geeks, not at all. button down shirt, glasses, white tube socks...

steve says she should sit with the guy behind us. in whitney's words, "he's beautiful" and he was writing his tithe check.

i pulled it back in to concentrate and the worship set was all songs about the cross. loved that. especially one of my long time faves, at the cross by hillsong.

Oh Lord you've searched me
You know my way
even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me

we move on to the sermon and it's about the cross and how we want comfort but the cross is not comfortable.

i've thought about that for a couple days and i realize mostly that i have taken the cross for granted. i know the sacrifice. but i haven't been living like there was a sacrifice made for me, not recently. i've been coasting.

i was asked once not to long ago what i've done with my life that mattered. taken in context, this was asked by someone who thinks her career makes her life matter more than mine and that i'm not doing anything worthwhile.

this was not upsetting, it was more humorous because what i've done that matters is share jesus. i may not be a teacher or a doctor or a lawyer, a career "that matters", but i am a creation of jesus, and i love him and try to point people to him and that is what i do that matters. (i'm also a good wife, mother, employee, friend, etc.)

i thought about this today as i sat at steve's grandmother's funeral. everything i do on earth will be tested before my creator. thrown into a fire and the worthless stuff will be burnt off and we will see what is left. my earthly life will pass so quickly, and only what i do for jesus will stand the test of eternity.

1 corinthians 3:12-13
If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.

the sacrifice jesus made on the cross cost more than his life. it cost him a separation from god. it cost him feeling the weight of all the sins committed by every human being past and future from that time. when i think of how heavy my sin weighs on me and the idea that jesus carried all mine at one time, forget anyone elses, i know the expense. i know he deserves more than what he gets from me.

he deserves my all. he deserves for me to remember the cross.

Sunday, September 30, 2012


18 weeks away. I realized yesterday my feet don't hurt anymore since the marathon.

3 training sessions with Marquis. Such hard workouts, two of them i negatively impacted other workout as women stopped to watch and cheer for me. Gotta tell you I loved that. Couple of sore muscles. Alright, more like all of them.

Looking forward to a full week of running. Fallback week of four 4 mile runs and 1 eight mile run.

I love getting into a new training plan/regimen.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

jesus loves me

i’ve been feeling unloved. in the one area i should never doubt. jesus. i’ve been kind of needy in our relationship. worse than usual. i’m doing more talking then listening. always a recipe for disaster.

here’s the readers digest version. i went on a week long pity party. part of it was the post marathon - no training, physically tired, mentally exhausted feeling. throw in steve feeling better after surgery finally and whitney settling into school. i always fall apart after the hard stuff is done. part of it was a series of unfortunate events (still have all these books, anyone interested?) that just kept me spiraling down. steve knew i was cranky, i didn’t share why. just kept it to myself, let it fester. enjoyed being miserable.

the end of the week did me in. friday night at the football game i got an upsetting phone call. i finally told steve what was really bothering me and once i had told him a surprising thing happened. i started feeling better. on the way home from the football game i prayed, pretty much told god i knew he was god, he could do what he said he could, and would do what he wanted, and that was best. and this is what i wanted and i believed he would do it.

saturday was better. we came home from whitney’s volleyball tournament, i opened the mail, big 8.5 x 11 envelope addressed to me and the contents? exactly what i had told god i wanted. it’s important to stress it was a want. i don’t pray “wants” very often. but this was like a gift wrapped package with a note card from god that said “yes, i love you”.

not sure if i can say this right, but god answering the prayer did more for me than getting what i wanted.

it doesn’t always work that way. it’s not a slot machine type of deal. lots of my prayers go unanswered or get a big fat no. this was just one of those special moments. i remember every time this has happened. here’s one of my favorites.

one saturday 10 (ish) years ago i had prayed in one of my needy times that i knew jesus loves me, but could he just somehow show it? i needed it to feel real. whitney was sitting with me in church the next day, sunday morning. being very good and drawing. she handed me a folded up note

couldn’t get more plain than that.

i read a passage in john, chapter 15.

“as the father has loved me, so have I loved you”. perfect love. unshakeable, unbreakable, unwavering, unending, unearned.

“abide in my love”. stay in it. never leave it.

“you did not choose me but i chose you”. he chose me. he wants me. he loves me.

“go and bear fruit that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name he may give it to you”. not sure exactly how to get this right to bear fruit and have my fruit abide so that whatever i ask…i’m sure my week of cranky followed by my surrender is a step in that direction.

wherever this finds you today, i pray that you feel the love of god in your life. these verses were written just for me, but they were also written just for you.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

does that make me crazy?

my toe hurt after the marathon. for a week i wandered if i had a neuroma but the pain wasn’t right for that. (steve is an expert). I thought maybe one of the bones might be cracked, but it wasn’t that painful, i’ve had stress fractures. i could run and it was only a moderate annoyance. but doing pushups and planks was excruciating.

i looked at my foot carefully and had an infected splinter in the tip of my toe. it was red and inflamed and sore to the touch.

steve dug it out with a needle and tweezers and no more pain.

mountains out of molehills. (or stress fractures out of splinters…)

Monday, September 24, 2012

funnest race ever

just a few pics from the shrnrm3.87. it's an annual event, if you are a local, you might want to check it out next september. i had a great time.

some people look really cool when they jump, i look like i'm going to attack hannah.

last place got the tunnel, made me feel like a star

and steve won a (recycled) award for the "happiest volunteer".

Sunday, September 23, 2012

shrnr3.87 memorial run

tonight i ran my 6th race of the year. 2 marathons, 1 22 mile, 1 half marathon, 1 5k and 1 3.87 mile run. it was a benefit for the leukemia and lymphona society put on by one of steve's ultra running friends, his first ultra running friend, scott. he is a team in training coach and is just all around awesome.

i showed up with the other 40 or so runners, it was very low key, no bibs, no official times, no winners...

these are all runners. no one is there to run their first 5k or marathon. and a comfortable pace for them is way in front of me. i stayed with the second half of the pack for the first mile and then i watched them pull away from me. i slowed down, they didn't speed up. this was the point when i realized that at their pace i would be out of gas at about 3 miles and the last .87 would be difficult.

i putt putted along enjoying the beautiful evening, watching that last runner in the white tee shirt get further and further ahead and when i turned the last corner to head to the finish line i started to pick my pace back up. i was running to 1515 north rock road and when i got to 1945 north rock road i figured i could go pretty much all out for the last 4 blocks. i was making good time, feeling good and i see a greent tee shirt heading my way.

memorial man himself scott came out to run the last block with me. he is running the two races steve had to roll his registrationst to next year for, next weekend and three weeks later. i finished, we went to scott's house for dinner and to hang out with other runners for an hour.

awards were hilarious. finishers medals were donated from all the races in wichita previous that were left overs. i now have a 2008 marathon medal for a race i didn't run. they gave a canine award to rowdy the border collie, best jump award for one of the picture areas, and second place finish awards because no one wins first place.

i told steve on the way home last place isn't fun. it's kind of demoralizing. the finish chute i got to run through with everyone making a tunnel for me and cheering was cool, but it was for last place. but we talked about how if i stress out about getting faster and making it about beating the clock, beating my past times and beating others i will take the fun out of it. i'm working with marquis again, at least while his future is undecided. i want to be stronger and faster. but it's not going to consume me.

i will work to get stronger and faster, but will make sure i continue to enjoy the sport of running.

because it is fun. like this. kinesiology tape to match the running skirt.

i will ramp up training for my ultra over the next couple weeks. once i hit running 20 miles for my long runs, i run two weeks long with a third week fall back. i get up to two 28 mile training runs with 16 mile runs on the sunday following by the end of training.

i need the weights and the cross fit training to build strength as well.

i could also lose a few pounds to get to "racing weight" and that would help. we'll see how it goes. i'm nervous, excited, and a little tired thinking about it. first week back after the marathon and week off was rough. weights were hard, running was hard, cross fit with marquis was hard...

but if it was easy everyone would do it.

Friday, September 21, 2012

conversations with whitney

whitney: the person who created zebra cakes is a culinary genius.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

does that make me crazy?

i take salad for lunch 4 out of 5 days a week at work. healthy stuff. breakfast bar. fruit. yogurt.

but the other day of the week?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

too much???

this week i enjoyed reading blog posts on the topic of social media and sharing too much. am i guilty of this? should i keep more to myself? share more?

i have pulled way back in the last year. i’m faithful to my blog, but that’s about it. and you know, it’s mostly about running…

i protect my children. i protect my husband. i’m pretty open about me, but it’s my life. i don’t share things that would embarrass or hurt my kids. i try to do the same with steve, and if he’s told me certain subjects not to talk about, i don’t.

i have some thoughts on the subject of social media, but I won’t link back to one of my favorite blogs to participate in posts about social media, even though it’s set up for that, because then other people who don’t already read me might find me and i write for us. always willing to welcome new people, but i don’t go out to drag them here. they have to find me.

i was most interested in the posts about comparison. comparing yourself to others via what you see on social media. it can really make you feel like everyone has it together but you. or the opposite, you can feel pretty good because some people are a real train wreck and willing to share way too much.

i had a day last week where i logged onto facebook and in direct response to everything i saw wanted to post this as my status

“i did not work out today. i fixed frozen lasagna and bagged breadsticks (which i burned) for dinner. i forgot to buy 12 things at the store. it’s 11:30 p.m. and the 3 dozen brownies i’m supposed to take for the volleyball tournament fund raiser tomorrow are just coming out of the oven. there are no clean towels for showers.”

yep, the “i made 14 pints of jelly from berries i picked in my own backyard”? can’t compete. everyday workouts at 4:45 a.m.? not this girl. cornbread from scratch? why??? the jiffy mix is $.50 and with enough butter or dunked in chili you can't hardly tell the difference.

and pinterest - i have a pinterest account. primarily so I can read (stalk) the funny posters that cate pins. and her sister brenda. seriously follow both of them just for that. i can’t handle the perfect houses, the crafts that always turn out right, the recipes that require more than 5 items. i do use the occasional recipe, and lots of workout/running stuff, although every picture from every workout i’ve seen has been fitness models, no real women and can't compare to that. i actually most like pinterest to let my wonderful, creative, exciting, fascinating friends do all the homework for me when it comes to recipes and patterns and humor…thank you all very much.

Twitter – i’m just not clever enough. or exciting enough. it’s too fast paced for me. can’t keep up.

facebook – last weekend i ran a marathon. i shared one beautiful picture with the marathon's page and nothing else. but all the pictures from the fotog were posted. and he’s great. and the pictures of me were unflattering. i loved the ones from the glow run, remember i shared those? pink skirt, black shirt, i thought i looked good.

but i didn’t look good in these marathon pics. awkward angles, least flattering but most comfortable running clothes i own. sports bras are unflattering, and then i strapped a camelback on that didn’t help me look better. i ran for hours (and hours), i was sick, it was all uphill or downhill which made me hold myself at odd angles, the capris and gators made my legs look short and my calves look huge…get the idea? but i didn’t untag myself. on purpose. because when i only post the pretty pictures, i feel dishonest. when i only talk about how well i did, it’s a lie.

i love social media. staying in contact with long distance friends and seeing pictures. tracking my friends when they are running races to see how they are doing and how they finish. i love to read blogs. amateur writers have some of the best stuff to say.

social media is like anything else in life. it should have boundaries. i don’t have a set of boundaries, but i try to be aware and cautious. there are things that i should keep more private and areas where i only paint myself in a good light. but a lesson was learned for me earlier this month when i came across a file folder where i had printed some very upsetting blog posts and emails that had been sent to me. they had been taken down/deleted, but i still had the paper copies. what you say one time in the virtual world is out there forever.

that's what i think about most. whether it lives in someones mind or on paper or just on line, it's out there.

here are my unflattering pictures.

they are on facebook, not from me, and the hawk 100 website so i guess a third place isn't a big deal, right?

Monday, September 17, 2012

a letter

have you seen these? the letter to the 13 year old me or 16 year old me, etc? they are on blogs everywhere.

if i would write one to myself for anytime period between 13 and 24 it would go something like this:

dear younger me,

straighten up.


older me (who still gets it wrong a lot of times)

so here are some specific things i would write to young women now.

all women, all ages, invest in your friendships. your whole life. you will never be sorry you made time for friends and worked to keep them close and made new friendships at every period of your life.

13 year old girls...18 year old boys are not interested in you

16 year old are more beautiful then you know

18 year old girls...hold onto every moment, don't try to leave childhood too fast

21-28 year old women...
- have fun. these should feel like the best years of your life. (but please know they really aren't)
- read more, travel more, make friends, grow
- stop giving it away, save it for someone who loves you
- pictures of yourself in bikinis/boobs out of your shirt make you look cheap. guys will think you are.
- you should know better!!! and i'm serious, someday you will wish you hadn't. i know they say you only regret the things you don't do, but don't believe that. you will regret somethings that you do. your whole life. have fun, but MAKE GOOD DECISIONS.
- you are worth more
- you are worth more than the man who puts sports first
- you are worth more than dating a married man
- you are worth more than a booty call
- two dates does not mean he is planning forever with you
- don't pick up men on international vacations...seriously, always a bad idea.

35 year old is just starting to get good, you are not old.
- get some good better wrinkle cream

40 year old women...find a hobby you love because you are about to have some serious time to do things you want to do.
- best years of your life...

i can't say anything beyond this, because i'm not there yet.

Friday, September 14, 2012

conversations with whitney

whitney: "kelsey and i are going to wear tutu's for the southeast game. it's pinkout night can you make me one?"

cue the internal silent celebration, i've been wanting to make her a tutu for years

me: "sure"

a trip to hancock fabric the next day, $17.00 and two hours, voila

whitney: "kelsey and i really wanted to match and she has a pink tutu, but really likes mine better. can you make one for her too?"

oh, be still my heart. this is like the year i got to make two little bo peep costumes for halloween for her and her second grade friend. (this should really be in the "does that make me crazy file, i'm so jazzed about another trip to hancock's and making another tutu and adding more ribbon bows at whitney's request.)

Thursday, September 13, 2012

lessons from the trail 15 - the finish

i'm proud of these. my finisher's medals. i have even run a few that don't give medals. (it doesn't mean i didn't finish).

sometimes you get injured or too sick to finish. it does happen. i'm not knocking people who don't finish a race. i have heard that it's habit forming. quitting when it gets hard. i've also heard it hurts. that a dnf (did not finish) haunts you. there is a saying in the running world, dead last is better than dnf. i've had one dead last (or 11th place). and i prefer dead last to dnf. always.

i realized this week you can buy a race bib and a race tee shirt. you can register get the tee shirt, the race packet and all the swag without a lick of training or stepping to the starting line. and for this race, it was a really cool tech shirt.

but you can't buy the medal. you don't get the medal till you cross the finish line.

i wear my tee shirts, but i didn't earn them. and earned this medal.

my medals are in a drawer in my vanity. i don't wear them, no one sees them. yet they mean more to me than the tee shirts. i know how hard i worked, the training miles, the painful steps, the mental conversations in my head to earn these. i look at these medals and i remember the race and the stories that go with it.

finishing. finishing strong. that's always my goal

the growth physically, mentally and spiritually i've gotten from doing the hard things, from finishing is noticeable.

this was better than the medal at the finish line

2 timothy 4:7 i have fought the good fight, i have finished the race, i have kept the faith.

i like being a finisher.