in my weakness

last wednesdays workout was rough. my mean girl inner voice doesn’t kick in as much anymore, i manage to mostly be focused on what i’m doing and why i’m doing it and what i want from it. which is different every day, but it’s enough for me to know i want to do it so i do. and when it gets really rough, like the last 5 minutes, this is what was going through my head – “breathe. use your arms. burpees are good for you”. whole different mindset from where I’ve been in the past.

then i got home. i thought i’d do a 15 minute core workout. i did two reps of two exercises and my abs told me no. i listened. but i felt weak. i laid on my floor and thought i should be stronger. but i went and made cake balls for denae and cupcakes for kelsey.

when i woke up the next morning while i was brushing my teeth a verse came to me. the word of the lord spoke to me through previously memorized scripture 2 cor. 12:9 “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” actually, it was more the sound of audio adrenaline singing “in your weakness he is stronger, in your darkness he shines through, when you’re crying he’s your comfort, when you’re all alone, he’s carrying you”.

i hate to be weak. i hate to feel weak. i hate to be told i’m weak, pathetic, pitiful, slow, pick an insult that makes me feel weak, i hate them all. as i’m brushing my teeth and this is rattling around my head i realize that if i’m never weak, god’s strength is never perfected in me. i never tap into his, i do everything in my own power. which makes me weak. and stupid.

i want to continue to get stronger. but i won’t forget that my weakness, although it may come at a different level, is the chance for colossians 1:11 “god will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient.” to be at work in me.

god has never let me down. the roughest times of my life he’s been the closest, strengthening me with his power because i am inadequate, weak, small and unable to make it on my own.

and in a true measure of god’s own great power strengthening me, i didn’t eat cupcakes or cakeballs.