Tuesday, July 31, 2012

i'm not afraid of the dark

in a list of things i'm afraid of, and there are several, the dark is not one of them. maybe because i'm only afraid of things i can see.

when i was a child i had nightmares. i still do. and i remember my dreams. i wake up scared and don't want to go back to sleep.

so guess what a child that grew up in the 80's was subjected to? jason, michael myers and dah dah dah...freddy krueger. he was the one that terrified me.

my kids love horror movies. nothing scares whitney, and nate laughed hysterically at children of the corn, which also had me petrified. he laughed harder that i was scared, but the whole religion and cult storyline, eww.

for years my oldest brother would say "the blue man! yes, the blue man!"

friday night i'm running down a dirt road all alone. no lights in sight. no houses, cars, headlamps, radio towers, the moon had even gone behind clouds. i am fine. not a fraidy cat bone in my body until...

i hear rustling. i am scared of rustling. well, not the rustling, what might be causing the rustling.

i turn and see the road is edged on both sides by cornfields taller than my head and i think "they're in the cornfield. isaac put them there". but it wasn't isaac the child prophet from children of the corn coming after me with his scythe and sickle, it was just the wind.

no snakes, no skunks, no mountain lions.

it added to my trip down 80's memory lane when shortly after the rustling i hit the block of queen music on my ipod. what's not to love; i want it all, bohemian rhapsody, fat bottom girls, i want to break free, under pressure, bicycle..

youth revisited. good times. sheila, you shoulda been there, two of your favorite things as well, children of the corn and queen.

Monday, July 30, 2012

in the garden

i was in hobby lobby a couple weeks ago. they play old school christian music. hymns. as i was wandering around, i dialed in to a specific song they were playing.

instantly the memories flooded over me. i teared up just that fast. thankful for large sunglasses.

i could see her, wheelchair pulled up to the piano, gnarled arthritic fingers slowly playing the chords by memory.

i could hear the thin wavering soprano voice, warbling almost,

I come to the garden alone
While the dew is still on the roses
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there,
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing,
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

I’d stay in the garden with Him
Though the night around me be falling,
But He bids me go; through the voice of woe
His voice to me is calling.

she's been gone 15 years. this song always transports me back. my grandma loved jesus. more than anything. it was evident.

she lived a hard life, through world war ii and the depression. two sons died while in high school, hit by a drunk driver and killed at 14 and 18. her husband died while my mom was still in high school. another son took his own life 20 years ago.

and yet at the end of her life she loved jesus more than ever. i think she knew she was getting closer.

and when she sang this song, i really thought she knew what it meant to walk and talk with jesus.

this song and puffed wheat cereal. gets me everytime. i know someday i'll see her in heaven.

i'm so thankful for the legacy of god fearing parents and grandparents. i hope i pass that on to my kids. they may stray for a while, but i hope and pray they grow back to him. cause a life without him has no hope.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

the adventures of wander woman

lunar trek 22 mile run (25 mile in my case) friday, july 27, 2012, pike valley high school cross country team fund raiser

steve was running the 100k at the lunar trek so i figured i had plenty of time to run 22 miles. my training was not technically up for 22 miles, but that doesn't typically stop me. i figured i would easily finish before him, take a nap, and then drive us home.

for reference, in the last 3 months i haven't run further than 15 miles. so take your longest run and add 7 miles. now stay up for 17 hours, run all night and don't eat first. yeah, i dont' recommend it for you either.

steve's race started at 9:00, mine at 11:00. that's p.m.

so many things i should have thought about before i registered. being up for 17 hours before the race started without a nap. running on trails/dirt/gravel roads i'd never been on before. running said route illuminated only by a head lamp. my view was this, a circle of light about 10 feet in front of me and 5 feet wide.
i realized much later that my view would've been better by the moon and stars instead of the light. much to learn.

i added to the difficulty by eating dinner at 5:30 and then eating nothing else before and during the race.

all that said, i felt really good when we started. running well and everything felt good. i had just left the 5.5 mile aid station when i ran into steve, he was running the loop clockwise, i was running counterclockwise. he said his neuroma in his toe was hurting. bummer.

i still felt really good so i plugged along. and realized a couple miles later that my 24 oz bottle of water was not going to last me to the next aid station. i slowed down and started drinking less. with about two miles to the aid station i was out of water so i started walking. this added quite a bit of time to how long i would be on the course.

right before the 11 mile aid station steve texted me to say he had dropped after the first loop because his toe hurt. i understood (surgery is on the schedule for this winter). i wanted to finish my race. i continued on, uneventful until two miles from the 15.5 mile aid station was out of water again, so back to walking.

filled up and back on the road and still feeling really good, but unable to eat anything. my stomach felt okay until i picked up food and then immediate nausea.

blasted (okay, i felt like i blasted, but by this time it was a slow jog) through to the last aid stations, texted steve i was two miles out and turned like a horse toward the barn.

half mile from the finish i shifted into my finish line trot and then, in true wander woman fashion, missed the last sign (in my defense, signs were black arrows on white board about shin high in the ditch of the road. on the inside lane of the course. because 40 milers and 100k runners were coming back out i was being courteous and running the outside lane of the course) because we came in different than we went out, it wasn't terribly visible, there were two ways to go, one dead end sign and no moonlight. i chose poorly. when i had been running another mile and a half with no finish line, but came to a highway i was pretty sure i shouldn't be at, i called steve, lost. i was two miles from the finish.

i wanted to cry, and unlike baseball, there is crying in long distance running, but i didn't.

i also was a little disoriented at the time when i missed the turn. i saw a large combine parked off the side of the road. the combine was actually there, but i saw the wheels spinning and it was rolling out towards the street towards me. it wasn't moving, but the wheels were turning and i thought it was going to roll in front of me. i new this was just a hallucination, but it was still freaky.

i wanted a finish, so i turned in around, turned on my droid navigation system with the volume up loud and went back into race mode. i pushed that last two miles, hard. got to the turn, couldn't see the sign, but the navigation lady told me to turn so i did. even ran up the last hill full tilt.

i saw the finish line and...no steve. i was so disappointed already after a hard run, difficult run, being lost and running 3 miles further than planned, i could hardly stand it. but i finished and went to the car and collapsed into the lawn chair. i pulled a diet coke out of the cooler, because that's what i do post-race and took my shoes off. put on flip flops, talked to the race director, and found my post race sundress.

i finally went inside to change clothes and steve was sitting in the cafeteria with stuart. when i came in he looked at me with huge eyes, looked at the clock and said when did you get here. i told him i'd been back for 30 minutes. he told me my last text said i had 4 miles to go. stupid auto correct. put the decimal on the end of the word before to make it a sentence so it looked like i was 4 miles out, not .4 miles out. i couldn't look at him because at this point, all the disappointment, pain, frustration, anger, pain, tiredness, hunger and pain would have poured out of my eyes. it was my fault, i didn't read my text well enough before i hit send. darn combine.

we drove home this morning, i couldn't keep my eyes open. shower, nap, grocery shopping, laundry, pick up whitney,

and steve asks why i'm limping, i only ran 25 miles...

if i get a copy of the picture gary took at mile 18 i'll share it. simply so you can see me with a headlamp, reflective vest, and how dirty and sweaty i was.

Friday, July 27, 2012

conversations with whitney

a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's a couple thousand words from whitney's summer, a trip to los angeles, with stops at albuquerque, venice beach, redondo beach, long beach, melrose and hollywood.

volleyball on the beach

doing laundry

bringin' sexy back

dirty dancing with patrick

then on to seattle with her cousin jeff to visit my brothers and sister in law.

49 degrees and snow at the top of the mountain


at the pier

i'm glad she got to go, but i'm so glad she's home.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

lessons from the trail part 10 – success isn’t necessarily winning

marquis is big on motivation. says “this is how you get to be #1”. “you gotta believe!” he’s very good at it. i, however, am realistic in my expectations and goals. 3 work outs in i could tell i was stronger. i was faster. my endurance was better. that’s what I wanted. if three workouts could do that, what is 8 weeks going to bring? i’m very excited to find out.

first place for me isn’t the goal. success is being stronger and faster.

when he told us we were running to the top of the bleachers of wichita state university’s football field, i thought bring it on. when he told me i was going to beat him, i told him not gonna happen. i knew the only way i would beat him to the top was if he let me. and that’s not winning. but i would give everything i had. and i did. countless times up the bleachers. wore me out. do I want to outrun a 23 year old division one football player to the top of the bleachers? maybe a little. but the knowledge that it’s 1,000,000/1 odds won’t stop me from going all out.

i didn't win. but success was in the 8+ times i ran the bleachers, not being the first to the top.

sometimes things/life is hard. you dig in and you climb and you get stronger.

you find success. and it's not always in winning.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

does that make me crazy?

in my quest to find something i'm better at than steve while we are working out, i finally did.

we had to do "a" skips and "b" skips yesterday. think little girl skipping with high knees, and then add a kick out with your foot.


of course sprinting with marquis pulling on me was killer...

i told steve not to take a picture of me doing it. somethings are better not recorded for posterity.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

repentance is hard, but it's free

have you ever had to say your sorry? i get to say that one a lot.

it's hard. saying i'm sorry. especially if you say it truthfully.

i'm sorry. i know i hurt you and i'm sorry. i can't say i didn't mean to, because i sharpened those words before i said them. i thought about what i was doing and knew it was wrong and new it would hurt you. yet i said/did it anyway. and i'm sorry.

how about the words "i'm sorry" and then you continue to hurt the person the same way you just apologized for. is it hard to say "i'm sorry" again? and do they believe you?

but how about when we take it to god and say "i'm sorry". he forgives and forgets. he gives a do over. and it's free. he doesn't expect anything from you.

repentance is asking for forgiveness and turning from the behavior. now if we could do it and get it right just by wanting to, just by asking for forgiveness one time. there would be a lot of perfect people. i don't know any perfect people. perfect is not a word i would ever use about myself or my life. in fact, the pressure of having a perfect life is more than i can handle. too far to fall when something goes wrong.

anyway, i thought about all the people in my world to see if i owe any apologies. where repentance is necessary. there are a few that i need to deal with, and i have. there are a few that i need to deal with, but they don't know so telling them would just be kind of dumb because they don't know i've been upset. it wouldn't make either of us feel better, so that one gets to be dealt with between me and god.

i know there are people that i have hurt that i didn't do it intentionally or my words hurt, but i stand by them and that is different. if i offend a young woman who e-mails my husband inappropriately and tell her it's wrong both of us want it to stop, i won't apologize for that, as long as i wasn't cruel and called her a home wrecking @$%&*@ or words to that effect. which i wouldn't didn't.

1 john 1:9 says "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness".

repentance - it's not a one time event. it's an ongoing process.

repentance is hard, but it's free. more than that, it's freeing. it will release you.

Monday, July 23, 2012

who gets my best?

i had three friends go on beach vacations this year. two went to florida, one went to california. two of them went on mad diet/workout programs to get ready to go. and they had a lot of work to do. one stayed with the same diet and workout routine she’s been on for years. no crashing to get ready to go, no trying to look better for her vacation. just continuance of her lifestyle.

all three have husbands and teenage daughters. i wandered what kind of message this sent, if anyone thought anything of it (besides me)?

i think it’s okay to eat whatever you want and not work out until you have a big trip planned. it's okay to let this be a motivator or a jump start. seriously, whatever gets you healther is great. or if you are happy unhealthy, you are at least happy.

but from my perspective, how i see my life, the people in california/florida, or in my case, south dakota and denver that didn’t know me, will never see me again, and most likely they won’t notice me while i’m there. they are not worth more than the people who see me every day and that love me. my husband and children are worth more and deserve me taking care of myself all of the time. and it matters to my husband and daughter that i want to be healthy and look my best. marquis client after us tuesday at wichita state was a boy off the heights football team. marquis introduced us, he has met whitney, and this young man knew whitney. when she told me she had talked to him and he told her that her parents were cool and in good shape, she was so proud. it matters.

i think it’s okay to have goals and goal dates and to want to look good for activities and trips and events. i just wander who is getting our best. and why we settle for less than our best until we have a trip or wedding or reunion to attend.

should we strive to be our best all the time? if looking good for vacation is important, shouldn’t we try to look good for our husband and families as much as we can? if we eat right and exercise to be/look the best we can for an event or trip, shouldn’t we maintain for our everyday life? the other 51 weeks out of the year.

and it's not all appearance, in fact, that's the least of what impacted me about this.

i took it one step deeper in my life. i go to work every day and get along with others. i’m kind, i smile. when i go home to the people who live with me, who love me, who are not spending time with me because they’ve been paid to do so, how do i act? do they get kindness and smiles?

They should get my best. i'm fortunate to have lovable people in my life. that still doesn't always make me kind.

big believer in loving everyone, which means everyone, even though that is REALLY HARD, being kind, i have to work hard at it, but i do need to evaluate who gets my best.

steve is going to see me with my hair a mess and no make up. he is going to see me in a ratty tee shirt scrubbing the floor or pulling weeds. he's going to see me dripping with sweat and mascara running down my face because i wore the wrong stuff on work out day (yes, i wear make up to work out). and he loves me when i look like this.

but every chance i have to look my best i take it. to look pretty, i take it, and to be sure he gets my best.

and this goes with my actions and words too.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

training update

marathon is 7 weeks from this weekend. or 12 weeks. or 16, depending on which one i choose. or all of the above?

three weeks with my personal trainer, marquis. crazy hard workouts. crrraaaazzzzeeee.

but they are yielding results. i got dressed for work the other day and looked in the mirror and was surprised at the difference i could see in myself in just three weeks. i didn't weigh or take measurements to be able to give tangible evidence that it's a big difference. but i can see it, and that's enough for me. because it's for me.

also, things we did the first week that killed me, ie., bear crawls for 30 yards? not anymore. this last week at the end of a particularly hard workout (and they have all been hard, this was the hardest) he said we were going to do bear crawls pushing the 16 pound medicine ball in front of us with our hands. the whole 100 yards.
(i also get to do squats holding this 16 pound beach ball, and have had to throw it and chase it pick it up and throw it again for 100 yards).

he asked who wanted to go first. steve always goes first, but i volunteered and assumed the bear position and shoved off. i thought i was going to die about 30 yard line, but i'm tired of wandering what i'm capable of, so i pushed on. at 60 yards i get the pep talk "average stops here, what are you going to do" and i pushed on. when i got to 100 yards, it wasn't a feeling of success or look what i did, it was just exhaustion and relief to be done.

marquis said he had a funny story for us when steve was done. i had shoved the ball into the grass, so steve started there and did the whole 120 yards of turf. when he pushed the ball into the grass, he got the same pep talk, and looked at marquis and said i'm gonna disagree with you. totally not average.

so funny story, he says, 'this was a joke'. we both look at him, not getting the joke.

he never intended us to bear crawl 100 yards, let alone pushing the medicine ball. but i volunteered to go first, never questioning or doubting i could do it. he was going to stop me at 20 yards, but i never quit. so of course he let me finish and then had to let steve do it.

so while this may make me crazy, the next day we did hill repeats for an hour. a full 60 minutes of sprinting uphill to walk downhill (seriously harder to walk downhill than to sprint up) and run back up. sprints. sprints with high knees. lunges. back pedaling in a squat position.

when i ran thursday, i had a three mile run and less than 30 minutes to do it. and i did it. with time to spare. for reference, this means i am much faster.

back to run bleachers again this week, but at least having run them before, i know what i'm up against.


who knows? someday i may actually be average. lol

and everytime i wander why i'm putting myself through this, i come to the same conclusion i do when i question my sanity for running...because i want to.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

lessons from the trail part 9 – we’re not all competitors in the same race

the apostle paul compares life to a race. paul also talks about wrestling. i’m guessing he liked sports. glad he wrote scriptures instead of sports illustrated, 35 a.d. (can you imagine that swimsuit issue?)

we aren’t all competitors against each other. you may see me as your competitor, someone you want to beat. but if I don’t step up to your starting line and compete, there is no race. there is no winner.

i’m not competing for the same prize as anyone else. even though we are on the same course (life), i’m not trying to outdo you. i’m trying to be me. the best me. the one god has called me to be.

i ran rockin’ k marathon in april. had a blast. i knew a couple of women running. i was on the same course with teresa, sophia, coleen and debbie. i was not competing against them.

when Steve and i run sprints in training, i’m not competing against him (okay, i’m trying to beat him, but it’s the mentality of a dog chasing his tail that’s been cut off by the rocking chair. NO WAY, NO HOW, but a girls got to have her dream.) i get the benefit of training with him because our trainer pushes steve hard, and i do the same (most of the time, there were these duck walks up the hill that i got to do an alternate and the pull ups...getting there but not there yet) exercises and reps (again, most of the time, sometimes i get to stop one short and sometimes steve does one more to finish with me, whataguy).

i’m a dang strong competitor. and as i told marquis the other night when he told me "average stops here, how far you going to go"? that i don't care about average. i don't care about how far anyone else goes, it's how far i go.

this is my life. my race. my effort. my goals.

i won't let someone else goad me into a competition that simply doesn't exist. whether it's life, or marquis yelling "don't let him catch you".

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

does that make me crazy?

i fixed a snack the other night. apple slices with peanut butter (measured the peanut butter, cause it's easy to overdo). added some home toasted oats because granola has too many calories. then dipped the apple slice with peanut butter and oats in chocolate chips, too.

Thursday, July 12, 2012


“when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with you above the storm,
father you are king over the flood,
i will be still, know you are god.”

two things i’m not good at – soaring and being still.

i feel like i need to be still for a while. so i’m taking a virtual vacation. i’ll see you all in a couple weeks. have a great july.

love you all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

does that make me crazy?

july 5, went looking for a diet coke. 2 machines in my building are sold out. building to the north, 2 machines sold out, cafeteria closed. building to the south, sold out, cafeteria open…score!

i walked 1.25 miles for one 20 oz. diet coke.

could’ve gotten it faster and easier by getting in my car and driving to quicktrip.

i had one in the refrigerator 10 yards from my desk the whole time.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

lessons from the trail part 8 - sometimes you need a pacer

we went to the black hills of south dakota this weekend so steve could run the last 50 miles of the black hills 100 with a friend of his.  i thought a lot about the vacation time we were using and the money we spent going as a pacer, as steve wasn't racing.

steve has had pacers at some of his ultras and some he has run solo. 

i have seen many runners pace others over the relatively short time steve has been running ultras.  it's an unusal thing.  people who love to run and who love the runner volunteer to run portions of the race with them. i've shared about steve's phenomenal (boy I had a hard time spelling this word) pacers over time.  when I run an ultra i'm hoping for a pacer.  steve has volunteered to be my crew, but I may ask whitney and denae and madeline to come out and be my crew so steve can run with me, or they can take turns pacing. heeheeheehee. 

i love the solitude of running.  i have run two trail marathons all alone.  and enjoyed it. 

two weeks ago i ran a half marathon and steve stayed with me every step of the way, he was my pacer because i set the pace.  he pushed me to keep running, he only let  me walk up hills and walk through sheila's loop, he helped me finish better than i would've on my own.  and he knows how much i enjoy the scenery and stopping for pictures.

in the black hills, steve ended up pacing someone he didn't know.  in the dark through the forest.  and since one guy ran into two mountain lions, (not literally, they were 10 yards away from him) i can imagine that running in the night by yourself could've been scary.   i love that we can help and encourage those we love, but we can also come alongside someone we've just met and be an encouragement to them too.  just a good one time memory in a person's life.

i think sometimes it's okay to go it alone.  but sometimes you need help. 

this goes for life too.

i'm guilty of not wanting anyone to know i'm in a bad spot and that i need help.  i'm getting better about it.  i told a friend last week who said she'd been in a bit of a funk that i like to feel funky.  i do enjoy my funk.  which is sad, but i get down and i sometimes choose to stay there. 

but after a conversation with her about how low we were, we both ended up in a better mood that night.  i ran mine off and she scrubbed her house.  but it started with the conversation and with admitting we were down. 

sometimes you need someone to come along side you and help you get where you want/need to be. 

I thessalonians 5:11 "therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

how can I encourage you today?

Monday, July 9, 2012

what are you worth

Matthew 10:29-31 "what is the price of two sparrows--one copper coin? but not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your father knowing it. and the very hairs on your head are all numbered. so don't be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows."

i have times where i struggle with what i’m worth. sometimes it’s due to situations. sometimes it’s due to words.

as i come to grips with my feelings of self worth, what i think i’m worth, where i find my value and what i think it is i’ve been more aware of those around me. mostly women. i’m not judging them or trying to analyze them based on deep seated and hidden traits. i’m more noticing the very visible signs of insecurity.

trying on a skirt you really like but saying “it’s too full”. the skirt wasn’t too full, you didn’t like the way it looked on your body. we’ve all done it, it’s why i understand the language.

“i don’t have any reason to dress up, i wear casual clothes all the time”. said wistfully looking at a pretty, girly dress in a boutique. you want to dress pretty, dress pretty for you. i know it works for me (i’m wearing a pink cami with lace trim, a ruffly tan peasant skirt and pink sparkly sandals as i type this) and i feel pretty, oh so pretty…i feel pretty and witty and …

i can’t speak for men, never been one. but i have been a woman, a grown up one a long time now, and i know that life and society and family and sadly, even other women chip away at our self esteem.  and life, what it does to the external beauty – stretch marks and cellulite and gravity and wrinkles and gray hair. 

society/pop culture – size 0 models with perfect skin and perfect hair and perfect teeth and air brushed photos and women like jennifer aniston whose husband trades her in for an even more beautiful successful actress. kardashian women talking about their “real” bodies and “real” curves.

family – we lose our identities becoming wives and mothers and drivers and cooks and maids and laundresses and begin to see ourselves through our families eyes as just the food on the table, the clothes in the closet and someone that’s a real person only when you’ve had a bad day and need someone to build you up. once that’s done, i love you mom, see you later.

other women – is anything worse than a mean girl? yes, a mean woman. a mean girl who never outgrew it. a mean girl who strikes out with a vengeance intent to hurt. who sharpens her words to do the most damage. i feel sorry for these women because they speak from a heart of pain. they see themselves with even less value. they need to put other women down to feel better about themselves. they build themselves up because no one in their life is doing it for them. and i have to admit, i can throw some pretty sharp verbal barbs, i work very hard at reigning my tongue and don’t do as well as i would like.

when was the last time someone said you were beautiful or that you looked nice? that they thought you were amazing. not for running a marathon or climbing a mountain or surviving a snake bite or running bear crawl sprints. (i have to use my examples, it’s all i have).

amazing for surviving 18 years or 27 years or 44 years on this earth and still getting out of bed every day.

amazing for raising your children to hold down jobs and just be normal run of the mill law abiding citizens.

amazing for staying married through all the problems that are a natural part of that relationship.

amazing because you are a single woman supporting yourself, living your life on your terms because that’s the way you wanted it or the way it worked out. not settling just because you don’t want to be alone.  refusing to be less because you are not defined as wife and mother, but defined as woman.

amazing because you are you. you are fearfully and wonderfully made. in the image of the great god himself.

please know that i think you are amazing. each and every one of you.

yes, even you.

and if i could, i’d tell you to your face.




this post is dedicated to my dear friend jenny cummins, inspired by her through an e-mail she sent me on a "down day".  i love you.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

training update

you know all my talk about not caring how fast i am or what my time is?

turns out i’m full of crap.

i hired a speed, strength and agility trainer. marquis. we started working out this week.

apparently not only do i care how fast i am, i have higher expectations for myself than i can achieve. i came home thursday night ticked that steve (who is sharing these wonderful horrific challenging exhilarating gut wrenching hour long training sessions with me) is stronger and faster than i am. yep, totally full of crap. that’s me.

he can run faster. hold his plank longer. run more stair repeats. (those are nasty).

do more bear crawl sprints and farther. (bear crawl sprints – get down on all fours and run like a bear. outside on the turf football field - to the 10 yard line and back, 20 yard line and back, 30 yard line and back.) when we were told we were now going to the 50 yard line i thought i would probably die. marquis told me i was going to the 30, not the 50. i thought i could go to the 50 as well, but as i stumbled and almost rolled across the 30 yard line with palms burned from the 110 degree turf, hands bleeding from stickers, i realized i wasn’t making it to the 50 and settled for success at the 30. thoroughly peeved that steve made it to 50 and i couldn't.  happy for him, mad i couldn't keep up.  questioning myself on why i was bear crawling across a football field at all. irrational woman.

**this takes place at the south y, outside tuesdays and thursdays. in the near future we will go to three days a week. there are bleachers for spectators…lol.

i figured out the first day that 300 yards of 25 yard non-stop repeat sprints will make me feel worse than a 10 mile run at noon on july 4 with 100+ degree temperatures and 40% humidity.

i also found out that when marquis stands on the 70 yard line for the last sprint of the day and says you have 12 seconds to get here, i can get there.

i have added to my list of “things i’ve never done before”. i have now ran sprints pulling 180 pounds of muscle behind me using resistance bands. football agility drills. sweated so much indoors at the y that i left puddles of sweat on the mat when i got up. actual puddles. ewwww.  and bear crawls.  as an adult.

july 4th got my 10 miles in, hot hot hot, and saturday morning ran some of my long run sheila, always a good time.

Friday, July 6, 2012

the real me

i try to be real.  i try to be honest.  i try to be me.  no one else.

"you were born an original, don't die a copy". 

we know when someone is copying us.  i can see where i'm being copied right now.  i thought at first it was coincidence, then i thought i was being mocked and made fun of.  now i'm sure i'm just being copied.  imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery.  it's kind of violating.   and i'm not worth it.  there are much better role models. 

i've been struggling with something for a couple weeks.  i can't share what it is.  i wish i was brave enough, bold enough.  but i can't be that open.  it hurts.  and i feel the need to protect the other individual.  but i sent this text to two of my close friends

"would you pray for me?  i feel really down.  worse than i've ever been.  i feel defeated and like i have no purpose".

both women prayed for me, and i know it.  sent some encouraging words.  it's been a few days and it's still not resolved.  i don't know if god is going to change the other person's behavior or give me peace.   i feel i have been dealt enough pain recently that i should get a break.  but life doesn't work that way. 

i feel there is a chasm between what my head knows and what my heart feels and i'm struggling to pick the right one.

so i get up and put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the day.  and those times when i want to go in my bedroom and curl up in a ball in the corner and cry (i've done this before) i reach out to a friend, or multiple friends.  i run.  i workout.  i pray.  and as one friend said, i just breathe. 

i don't know where you are in life.  hopefully you are happy and fulfilled and not struggling.   but i doubt it.

i can't help but think of job 5:7 "People are born for trouble as readily as sparks fly up from a fire."

there is no way around it.  we are going to have trouble in this life. 

do we hide it? 
do we ask for help? 
do we pretend we have it all together? 

i can't pretend that good. 

i don't have it all together.  i'm a mess on good days.  but i don't want to ever be guilty of pretending to be someone or something i'm not. 

it's a struggle every day.  it's what makes me rely on god.

just breathe.  and in that breath, breathe a prayer.

"be you, everyone else is taken"

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

bite me

do you know anyone that if something awkward can happen to them, it will?  yes, you do.  me.

tuesday night i was sitting on the front porch having a melt down.  i try to do that at least once a month.  a spot on my hip was itching.  had been all day, but it seemed worse. i can't remember if it was itching monday night or not, i was so stinking tired after flying home. 

after working out i took a shower and the hot water made my whole backside itch.  so i scratched.

it continued to get worse.  i thought about the evening i sat in the dirt at an aid station in track shorts, that maybe i sat on something, but i would have felt chiggars right away or fire ants or whatever.

finally figured out...


not from the hotel, steve and i slept in the same bed for four nights and i was the only one with bites, and they were all in my panty line on the backs of my legs. 

i ended up with prednisone for the inflammation and itching and antibiotics for the infection.

interestingly, steve and i didn't fly together on one leg of the flight, from rapid city to minneapolis on the way home.  and we never sat together on the planes.  so pretty sure they are from the airplane. 

you do not want to experience bedbugs.  ever.

this almost did make me crazy.

Monday, July 2, 2012

lessons from the trail part 7 - courage not available everywhere

I saw the cutest commercial on television the other night.  a man looks in the mirror, shakes his belly, and sighs.

next shot he's at a food wagon, orders a cheeseburger, looks at the calories on the mobile app and changes it to a salad.

shows him exercising.

shows him getting a picture from his kids holding signes that say "you can do it dad".

last scene, he's putting on a tux and his daughter in her wedding dress says "i'm so proud of you, dad".

i didn't know what the commercial was for, but at the bottom of the screen i caught the words "courage not available everywhere".  i saw it was a verizon commercial and quickly corrected my reading to "coverage not available everywhere".

that thought has stuck.

"courage not available everywhere"

i talked about courage here,  one of my favorite courage quotes.

courage definined by dictionary.com "the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery."

i saw this commercial on a down day.  does anybody besides me have those?  something pulls you down and you just can't shake it.  at some point i'll end up in tears behind my sunglasses or in the shower or in the car.  because i hide to cry.

days and places i don't have courage.  it's not available. i can't pull my head and my heart out of a bad place.    

i've had people ask me after the rattlesnake and the waist deep water crossing and the foray up the mountain side with the snake attack how i can still go climbing and running trails with the wildlife.  i told sheila the other day it's just a different kind of predator. 

and in my personal life, i've been knocked down to have to get back up more times than i can count.  more than i want to think about.  how do you move forward when you feel the whole world is holding you back.  you have to find the courage to get up and try again. 

courage didn't used to be available to me many places.  i would stay on the trail.  i wouldn't run it by myself.  i was scared of what was out there.  i was scared i couldn't do it.  i was scared someone, anyone would see me fail.  i was scared i'd be weak, slow, less than everyone else.  and i missed a lot.

i also have fears that i'm not as good a mom, wife, sister, daughter, employee, person as everyone else.  i'm not pretty enough, smart enough, it's a recurring theme for me. 

but i've found the courage to be more.  to face difficulty.  danger, pain.  even with fear, i face it.  and i'm not as afraid anymore.  in life or on the trail.    

courage is not available everywhere.  but only because i don't tap into the correct source of strength. 

2 timothy 1:7 "for god has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

fear is not from god. 

phillipians 4:13 "i can do all things because he gives me strength."

courage can be available everywhere.

where do you feel weak?  where do you find your courage?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

t minus 10 weeks

i have decided to wait till next spring to attempt an ultra marathon.  i'm hoping to find a 50 miler that is pretty easy (relatively speaking) and steve can just run the whole thing with me.

my knee is so much better after taking two weeks off from running and doing alternate exercise.  i have missed a couple of long runs as well as a couple of back to back runs on weekends and i'm not going to be ready.

life is hard enough without setting myself up to fail.  i don't want to dnf my first ultra so I'm going to reschedule it. 

i am still planning on running in september, just dropping to the marathon distance.  i am looking at one in october and one in november.  hopefully i will get to do one of the two.

i'm not even disappointed, frankly, i'm relieved.  ten weeks isn't a whole lot of time and i was getting nervous.