Created for him

At church this morning pastor read the scripture passage Colossians 1:15-17 (verse 11 is still one of my favorites). It stuck out to me that I am created for God. For his glory. I tend to get this turned around and think he's for me. The last couple weeks sermons have hit that point hard.

He has authority over all. He has total control. I'll be thinking about this often this week. Took notes. Gonna leave them out to remind me.

It's for him.

Two thumbs up

I didn't make resolutions this year. I didn't look back at 2012 and note my favorite and most memorable occasions.

I also never made a list of things I have to be thankful for.

Over the weekend though, I had time to think about all of this because...

I cleaned out my hutch. Found lots of interesting things, but mostly one, I found an old journal from a painful part of my life. I thought about throwing it away once I realized what it was, but instead I opened it and spent an hour reading my thoughts, prayers, and scriptures from 6 of the most awful weeks I have endured.

It was unsettling, but I realized I have been healed.

To put it in perspective, the minor surgery I had on my knee that required 5 stitches the same day I thought my world had been irrevocably shattered is healed, it's whole. There is still a scar. But you have to know it's there to see it. That's my heart. Completely healed, so close to whole you can't tell I'm not.

So in looking back at the year, lots of good things happened. I would give 2012 two thumbs up. I've been so blessed. Given so much.


As far as resolutions, I am making one. When and where I need to make changes, I will do it. Immediately. I will not wait till New Year's Day, Monday, or even tomorrow. When I see something I need to change, I will change it that moment. That's it.

I believe

I believe...

in pink boxing gloves

in red lipstick

in dressing up because you like to



I believe...

I can go farther

I can be stronger

I can do anything I set my mind to


I believe...

in singing at the top of your lungs

in nooners

in the healing power of laughter


I believe...

in giving more

doing more

being more


I believe...

love isn't measured by PDA

pictures of kisses on facebook

other peoples perception of your relationship


I believe...

sometimes I am wrong

I'm not the smartest person in the world (heck, not even the room, most of the time)

I am never too old to learn something new


I believe...

Jesus loves me

Jesus heals me

Jesus is coming back for me

just another day

January 1, 2013. First day of January, first day of 2013. And I found myself thinking while I did laundry and loaded the dishwasher and took down Christmas decorations that it's just another day. I woke up this morning and it was like any other day.

I have seen more Jenny Craig/Nutrisystem/Weight Watchers commercials in two days. Add the Slimquick pills, Sensa, and all the personal sales of weight loss supplements from friends on facebook and I'm already overwhelmed.

I know the gym is going to be crazy busy for the next couple months.

It's like this every year. Some stick it out, some don't.

I hope that where real change is needed it gets made.

Happy New Year, or Happy today, however you look at it, it's a new day.

Lamentations 3:22-23 "The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."

So thankful I don't have to wait for a New Year for a New Mercy from the Lord.

give a little bit

Life has been crazy for the last couple weeks. I’ve been moved to a new desk at work, all new accounts and they have not been managed as well as they should have. With all new accounts, suppliers, and co-workers, it’s been a little challenging, but it’s starting to level out. It’s a good move, just not one I would’ve looked for.

Been busier at home trying to get ready for Christmas. In my effort to show love this year I have been trying to be thoughtful and do things that are special. When you open yourself up for this, you find all kinds of ways available.

I have made several Christmas presents. Very cool stuff. I am making cake balls and oreo balls (special request from Whitney’s teachers) for friends and teachers.

Whitney is throwing a baby shower for a friend from school this week (yes, I know how very sad it is that high school students are giving birth) and this is requiring pink cake balls and the most adorable tiny little lime green and pink tutu you’ve ever seen.

I was thinking about some of the stuff I was planning to do for Christmas and then thought about not doing it and then heard a sermon “Secrets of the Wise Men” on Sunday and I’m going to do the things God spoke into my heart. They are not earth changing, they are not expensive. But I’m going to believe if God placed the idea in my head, then it will be well worth the giving. Jeff told a story about a little boy in a third world country that was in school with an American teacher who was explaining the meaning of Christmas and that the gifts represent the greatest gift that was given to us and we give gifts to those we love at this time of year in remembrance of that.

The young boy brought her the most beautiful sea shell, only found at a specific beach 3 miles walk away. She commented on the long walk he had made to get the shell. He told her that the long walk was part of the gift.

I want to recognize "the long walk" that comes with the gifts. It's so easy to overlook the acts of kindness that are done for us behind what we actually see.

I know it’s a sad time of year for so many. I pray the peace of Jesus for everyone who reads this today. I hope you are showered with the peace and love of the gift we are celebrating this time of year.

the meaning of christmas

what does it mean to you?

the birth of baby jesus?

celebrating the people you love?

giving gifts?

receiving gifts?

parties?

all of the above?


i told nate the other day that my birthday was just an excuse to be selfish and eat cake. kind of kidding, kind of not. i actually told steve when he asked what i wanted for my birthday that i want everything. (i didn't get it, i guess i'm not the spoiled wife, lol. reality is, i had a great birthday.)

nate texted me on my birthday and said "i'm glad you were born".

i've thought about those words a lot. we celebrate the day someone was born. i'm all for that. i love to celebrate the people i love.


this is attitude i want to have about christmas this year. i want to show that i'm glad jesus was born.

what do i think would make jesus feel celebrated? the greatest commandment is this, love your neighbor as you love yourself.

i'm trying to find ways to show love.

why do i exist?

my saturday/sunday facebook and twitter feed had the usual "sermon was so great, i know god answers my prayers", "i'm shutting out the noise and listening to god", "he works all things for my good", just over and over, several churches represented where everyone was so positive and upbeat about what god was doing for them.

i thought this was great. so awesome.

then i went to the 10:45 service at my church sunday morning. i love jeff a little more every week. talked about the attitude of servanthood. attitude of humility. attitude of obedience. did you get that? all things i should be doing. no god's gonna do all this for you (which i get, i believe, i like to hear this too) but what i got was a good talking to about what i should be doing for god.

ended with two questions, why should i have an attitude like christ? to glorify god.

what do i need to surrender today? i don't want to share that. more than one is on the list though.

the last thing i scribbled on my bulletin was this comment made at the end of the sermon...

god does not exist for us, we exist for him.


i have to admit that i get in the mindset that he is at my beck and call. that i have a right to question and whine and even demand. not true.

as i enter the christmas season (i put my tree up today, it's bee-yooo-tee-ful) i want to remember all he did for me. already. and think about why i exist and what i can do for him this christmas season.

the opportunities to give our huge, and i'm working on several. whether it's time, money or energy, i want to fully experience and enjoy the next 6 weeks with christ at the center.

changing seasons

i’m not very busy. not really. and that makes the fact that i have a whole mountain of stuff to do that much more unbelievable. (stuff i'm behind on).

that could change. i could be busy again. but only as busy as i want to be.

i run, workout (a lot of time, 2 hours at the gym yesterday), watch tv (more than two hours), read, go to church, work, sleep, eat, you know, all the normal stuff. but I no longer have kids in sports and music and drama (no drama as in theater, I have four daughters, there will always be drama). we aren’t volunteering at church (shocked? it’ll happen sometime, just not till god says.)

part none of me misses those busy days. at first I thought i did. but i love my life. the freedom. doing what I want to a large extent.

we have anneshia on sundays still and while i was running up the stairs and sliding down the slide with her over and over and over i asked steve if he was sorry we didn't have the child i wanted when whitney was 2. he made a face at me. he never wanted another child after whitney, and is so glad to be on the final stretch of raising her. honestly, i'm glad i don't have a freshman.

seasons of life. it’s just like weather seasons. they change. i love all four seasons. or eight seasons? however many there are. i love spring – rainy spring and dry spring. I love summer. i love beyond summer into 110 degrees with 100% humidity. i love fall. whether it’s 40 degree fall days or 80 degree fall days (like today, almost makes it worth sleeping in and not running this morning to enjoy the beautiful afternoon), but it is still fall and you can tell. and i love winter, the mild, the snow, the below zero temperatures, the holidays.

i also love my central heating and air, heated car seats, windshields with built in defrosters, boots, full length coats, ice water, swimming pools, cook outs, chili, hot drinks and electric blankets.

seasons of life.

ecclesiastes 3 talks about this - the whole chapter is worth reading, but

verses 1:4

there is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,


my time for weeping and mourning and healing is about over. god has done such a work in my heart, and i want to laugh and dance and build...

and i love verse 11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

he makes everything beautiful in his time. he understands eternity. he is not bound by time. by our short life spans. when you feel you can't take another day another minute of how things are, remember in his time. and he is not measuring it the way we do.

in my weakness

last wednesdays workout was rough. my mean girl inner voice doesn’t kick in as much anymore, i manage to mostly be focused on what i’m doing and why i’m doing it and what i want from it. which is different every day, but it’s enough for me to know i want to do it so i do. and when it gets really rough, like the last 5 minutes, this is what was going through my head – “breathe. use your arms. burpees are good for you”. whole different mindset from where I’ve been in the past.

then i got home. i thought i’d do a 15 minute core workout. i did two reps of two exercises and my abs told me no. i listened. but i felt weak. i laid on my floor and thought i should be stronger. but i went and made cake balls for denae and cupcakes for kelsey.

when i woke up the next morning while i was brushing my teeth a verse came to me. the word of the lord spoke to me through previously memorized scripture 2 cor. 12:9 “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” actually, it was more the sound of audio adrenaline singing “in your weakness he is stronger, in your darkness he shines through, when you’re crying he’s your comfort, when you’re all alone, he’s carrying you”.

i hate to be weak. i hate to feel weak. i hate to be told i’m weak, pathetic, pitiful, slow, pick an insult that makes me feel weak, i hate them all. as i’m brushing my teeth and this is rattling around my head i realize that if i’m never weak, god’s strength is never perfected in me. i never tap into his, i do everything in my own power. which makes me weak. and stupid.

i want to continue to get stronger. but i won’t forget that my weakness, although it may come at a different level, is the chance for colossians 1:11 “god will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient.” to be at work in me.

god has never let me down. the roughest times of my life he’s been the closest, strengthening me with his power because i am inadequate, weak, small and unable to make it on my own.

and in a true measure of god’s own great power strengthening me, i didn’t eat cupcakes or cakeballs.

before i was a sinner

romans 5:6-8 you see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, christ died for the ungodly. very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. but god demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, christ died for us.

we are attending a fairly large christian church close to our home. we have our pros and cons about it. is it the right fit for us? still not sure, but we continue to go back so that must mean something.

one thing i absolutely love about this church is there is no gimmicks. no hooks. no expensive sets. no catchy titles ripped from pop culture. the title of the sermon series started to day is "to live is christ" taken from the book of philippians and the life of the apostle paul. speaks to my old school upbringing. but really, you can't mess it up when you are preaching about the gospel.

anyway, the sermon today was nothing earth shaking or ground breaking for a life time church attender. but it was a great reminder. one question, what is your "one thing"? i'm not sure everyone would say that my one thing was that i loved jesus. not sure how to fix this, but it's something to think about.

the other thing was the scripture above. a reminder that...

before i was a sinner. before my parents were sinners. before any of us were sinners god had a plan to save us. he loved me enough that even knowing what i would do and how i would fail he made a way for me.

when i get the attitude that god owes me something (and i do get this attitude sometimes) or that he has let me down, or that i deserve better (thanks for talking me out of this one last week, rebecca) or why can't he let me be happy, i think about this.

it was paul himself that said i have learned in whatever place i am to be content. learn to be happy where you are. god has given us everything we need to be happy and content.

forgiveness, grace, mercy, eternal life, future with him. to want more, especially here on earth, is setting ourselves up for unhappiness. i believe god wants us to be happy and content. i just believe his idea of our happiness and contentedness is very different than our earthly opinion.

before i was a sinner, christ died for me. for all the sins i have already committed and the ones still in my future. reality is i can't be perfect. i need his forgiveness yesterday, today and all my tomorrows.

i am so glad i can say that jesus died for this unrighteous, ungodly sinner.

dissatisfied

this is a follow on to my previous post about sharing too much via social media.

i canceled my pinterest account. i found myself looking at things and wanting things and wanting to make things and spend money on things that i never wanted before. and don’t need. and probably don’t want if i’m really honest.

for example, i have a great black peasant skirt. i saw something on how to wear peasant skirts and immediately took mental inventory of what i had and what i would need to buy (or borrow from whitney) to copy the look.

two problems here. I DON’T NEED NEW CLOTHES. I DON’T WANT TO COPY A LOOK MILLIONS OF OTHER WOMEN ARE COPYING. and i have some awesome clothes in my closet. (note – i’m wearing my black peasant skirt with a 4 year old orange running chics sheer tee, 75% off orange satin ballet flats and steve’s levi’s jean jacket circa 1988 as i type this).

i also see on pinterest women planning weddings when they aren’t close to being engaged (or even dating). and dressing children they don’t have. i believe this is dangerous, leading lots of women (besides me? or am i the only one that struggles with this?) into dissatisfaction in their lives as well. some dreaming and wanting is okay. but at some point LIVE AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE WHERE YOU ARE NOW. if i was a guy dating a girl and I looked at her pinterest boards and she had 100 pins for her wedding and 179 of baby stuff it would probably freak me out.

i loved the humor boards until i came across several that were off color, down right raunchy, full of foul language, and the ones about teaching or created by teachers with typos and misspelled words just about send me over the edge.

and my dissatisfaction continued when i looked at facebook. you know about my love hate with facebook. i saw it. the much despised post “my husband just bought me an espresso maker (fancy name and picture). i’m so spoiled”. gag.me.with.a.spoon. (you can take a girl out of the 80’s but can’t take the 80’s out of the girl). and i don’t know the story behind the espresso maker. maybe she had been asking for one for a while and he finally got it for her. maybe he was tired of running to starbucks to get her espresso fix for her. or tired of watching the kids while she went. maybe she already had one and it was broken. maybe she was just publically thanking him because he’s the most awesome husband ever. not mine to get worked up over (but i did).

i ask steve why he doesn’t spoil me. he asks, pointedly, “do you want an espresso maker?” NO. because if i did, i could have one. he’d buy it for me or let me go buy it for myself. i realized that by this definition, i am spoiled too. he never tells me no. we just work it into the budget.

i changed my facebook profile picture to this one.

because i would rather have this all day long and twice on sundays instead of an espresso maker or any other expensive gift. a weekend out of town together, a race, a hug at the finish line. when i registered for my first race, a 10 mile in 2008 he registered too. and when i got to the 9 mile mark he had finished his race and come back and was waiting for me and ran the last mile with me. he’s done this more than once. ask me how I know he loves me and how he spoils me? this is one of many examples i can give.

this is not just a “brag about my husband” post. this is me looking at the kind things he does for me. the ways he shows me he loves me. he speaks MY love language, not someone else’s with espresso makers.

how quickly i can become dissatisfied with what i have, with my life in comparison to others. wanting more. wanting what others have. wanting validation from people that shouldn’t be able to speak into my life. steve is special. he is good to me. i don’t need presents, i just need him. and lots of races.

social media. i have to make sure that i get this right for me. i’m not telling anyone else how to manage their social media and how to live. it’s just a cautionary tale of the impact it can have on my life. and my continued search for the correct boundaries.

at the cross

sunday morning as we were walking into church i said a little prayer asking god to help me pay attention, listen for him and let him speak. it's so easy to let my mind wander during a service.

example, young man sits down in front of us and i tell whitney there is a guy for her, she should move up and sit by him. it was a joke, he was a geek, i have nothing against geeks, not at all. button down shirt, glasses, white tube socks...

steve says she should sit with the guy behind us. in whitney's words, "he's beautiful" and he was writing his tithe check.

i pulled it back in to concentrate and the worship set was all songs about the cross. loved that. especially one of my long time faves, at the cross by hillsong.

Oh Lord you've searched me
You know my way
even when I fail You
I know You love me

Your holy presence
surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me


we move on to the sermon and it's about the cross and how we want comfort but the cross is not comfortable.

i've thought about that for a couple days and i realize mostly that i have taken the cross for granted. i know the sacrifice. but i haven't been living like there was a sacrifice made for me, not recently. i've been coasting.

i was asked once not to long ago what i've done with my life that mattered. taken in context, this was asked by someone who thinks her career makes her life matter more than mine and that i'm not doing anything worthwhile.

this was not upsetting, it was more humorous because what i've done that matters is share jesus. i may not be a teacher or a doctor or a lawyer, a career "that matters", but i am a creation of jesus, and i love him and try to point people to him and that is what i do that matters. (i'm also a good wife, mother, employee, friend, etc.)

i thought about this today as i sat at steve's grandmother's funeral. everything i do on earth will be tested before my creator. thrown into a fire and the worthless stuff will be burnt off and we will see what is left. my earthly life will pass so quickly, and only what i do for jesus will stand the test of eternity.

1 corinthians 3:12-13
If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.


the sacrifice jesus made on the cross cost more than his life. it cost him a separation from god. it cost him feeling the weight of all the sins committed by every human being past and future from that time. when i think of how heavy my sin weighs on me and the idea that jesus carried all mine at one time, forget anyone elses, i know the expense. i know he deserves more than what he gets from me.

he deserves my all. he deserves for me to remember the cross.

jesus loves me

i’ve been feeling unloved. in the one area i should never doubt. jesus. i’ve been kind of needy in our relationship. worse than usual. i’m doing more talking then listening. always a recipe for disaster.

here’s the readers digest version. i went on a week long pity party. part of it was the post marathon - no training, physically tired, mentally exhausted feeling. throw in steve feeling better after surgery finally and whitney settling into school. i always fall apart after the hard stuff is done. part of it was a series of unfortunate events (still have all these books, anyone interested?) that just kept me spiraling down. steve knew i was cranky, i didn’t share why. just kept it to myself, let it fester. enjoyed being miserable.

the end of the week did me in. friday night at the football game i got an upsetting phone call. i finally told steve what was really bothering me and once i had told him a surprising thing happened. i started feeling better. on the way home from the football game i prayed, pretty much told god i knew he was god, he could do what he said he could, and would do what he wanted, and that was best. and this is what i wanted and i believed he would do it.

saturday was better. we came home from whitney’s volleyball tournament, i opened the mail, big 8.5 x 11 envelope addressed to me and the contents? exactly what i had told god i wanted. it’s important to stress it was a want. i don’t pray “wants” very often. but this was like a gift wrapped package with a note card from god that said “yes, i love you”.

not sure if i can say this right, but god answering the prayer did more for me than getting what i wanted.

it doesn’t always work that way. it’s not a slot machine type of deal. lots of my prayers go unanswered or get a big fat no. this was just one of those special moments. i remember every time this has happened. here’s one of my favorites.

one saturday 10 (ish) years ago i had prayed in one of my needy times that i knew jesus loves me, but could he just somehow show it? i needed it to feel real. whitney was sitting with me in church the next day, sunday morning. being very good and drawing. she handed me a folded up note

couldn’t get more plain than that.

i read a passage in john, chapter 15.

“as the father has loved me, so have I loved you”. perfect love. unshakeable, unbreakable, unwavering, unending, unearned.

“abide in my love”. stay in it. never leave it.

“you did not choose me but i chose you”. he chose me. he wants me. he loves me.

“go and bear fruit that your fruit should abide so that whatever you ask the father in my name he may give it to you”. not sure exactly how to get this right to bear fruit and have my fruit abide so that whatever i ask…i’m sure my week of cranky followed by my surrender is a step in that direction.

wherever this finds you today, i pray that you feel the love of god in your life. these verses were written just for me, but they were also written just for you.

i'm not jesus

i used my blog to tell someone off. (two someones) used it to make a point. specific points. she (they) deserved it. but it doesn’t make it right. i didn't say unkind or hateful things. i merely took information/some one else’s opinion and poked holes in it. used scripture and god to make my way right. used it to show my superiority (in my own eyes,of course). show my maturity and wisdom. which is exactly what i didn’t do.

most of you wouldn’t have understood it. might have noticed i was a bit in your face, but not gotten the specifics.

in hindsight would i do it again? most likely. because i didn’t do it on the spur of the moment or even in anger. i proofread what i wrote. i think it needed to be said. but not by me, and not the way i said it.

no matter how much hurt and pain you have caused the people i love (and me, but i'm included in the people i love because i love myself) doesn’t make it okay for me to strike out and hurt you back. no matter how much i want to see you hurt.

but while i am a christian who desperately wants to more like jesus, i am woefully inadequately human.

i can take a lot. i really can. but when comments are made about my appearance and ways i choose to spend my money. when my husband is insulted. when i feel attacked on purpose, when pain has been intentionally inflicted in the place that hurts me most, when my family has been hurt, and you just won’t stop, then i have a harder time behaving. taking the high road. again, i’m just not jesus.

so here is my public apology. as much as i want to be perfect and holy, loving and kind, showing grace and mercy, i miss the mark. sometimes instead of these wonderful qualities that I wish I had an abundance of i mete out judgment and anger and scolding scalding words.

then i need grace and mercy; forgiveness extended to me as well.

it’s not up to me to change people who need changing. that is god’s to do. i need some changing too. i realize it on a regular basis, like daily, how badly defective i am and how much i need my savior. this is not my inferiority or low self-esteem talking. this is the i’m-a-wretched-sinner-saved-by-grace talking. the same grace that is extended to the people who hurt me needs to be extended to me when i hurt them.

moving forward, lesson learned, except....

mess with my family and i lose sight of how i'm supposed to behave and then i end up asking for forgiveness again. maybe there won't be a next time. but if there is, i plan to deal with it with grace and mercy...same as i want to be treated.

you are healed

Alone. Always alone.

The bleeding never stopped long enough for her to perform the purification rituals so she was always unclean, always alone. She had spent everything she had on doctors and they were unable to heal her.

She had given up.

she had accepted it. alone.

she saw the crowd following jesus and she fell in behind them. her scarf pulled tight around her pale face, afraid someone might see her. if only she could get to jesus. he could make her well. she knew it. she had heard of his miracles, the people he had healed.

she hung back at the edge of the crowd until it began to surge towards him.

she was carried with the frenzied crowd closer and closer. almost there. she was almost to jesus.

she reached out and her fingers grazed the hem of his robe.

oh. what was that feeling? she couldn’t remember the last time she didn’t feel weak and dizzy. it had been so long since she felt good, but she felt good. she was healed. jesus had healed her. she slid back into the crowd.

“who touched me?” he said.

no one answered, no one stepped forward. the men with him asked him what he meant, there were so many people around. but he wanted to know.

she told him and he looked at her with the kindest eyes she had ever seen and said “your faith has healed you”


i wish my faith was this strong. it is after, all, the same jesus.


mark 5:24-34
so jesus went with him.

a large crowd followed and pressed around him. 25and a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. 26 she had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. 27 when she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, 28 because she thought, “if i just touch his clothes, i will be healed.” 29 Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

30 at once jesus realized that power had gone out from him. he turned around in the crowd and asked, “who touched my clothes?”
31 “you see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘who touched me?’ ”

32 but jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. 33 then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. 34 he said to her, “daughter, your faith has healed you. go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

you gotta believe

yesterday marquis told me he was in town and asked me to come hear him speak at a school. i know he is a motivational speaker as well as a trainer, and so i went. not knowing anything about the function except time and location.

as i listened to him, i was proud of him. i've known him since the end of june, but i was proud of him. the five weeks i spent training with him changed how i train. intensity. what i do. and it changed how i perform.

when he says "average stops here, what are you going to do" i laughed. when he said "you gotta believe you can do it" i knew i couldn't outrun him.

what i didn't realize until my two races was the impact those words and the training had.

when i was lost with two miles to go in a race, when i should've been done, i didn't walk or cry or have someone come get me. i ran harder after i should've been done. that's because he showed me that i could do more than i thought. and average may have stopped there, but i didn't want to accept average.

when i signed up to run a 5k on a day i had a long training run and i ran 15 miles in the morning and then ran at a hard effort for another 3.2 that night, that is again because he showed me i had more in me than i thought i did. i believed i could finish strong.

i'm looking forward to this race season. i am running hills. doing (attempting) pullups on trees. bear crawls, all sorts of torture. because i know i can do it.

when he got to the end of his talk and there was a (hidden) message and a thank you to me, no one else knew it was for me. no one else even knew i was there. no one else knew who i was. but i knew. and i hope i've been able to do a little for him, for all he did for me. my first trainer helped me get stronger. marquis gave me so much more than a work out.


what kind of encouragement do you need today? do you believe?

one of my favorite verses

Col 1:11 "God will strengthen you with his great power so you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient".

it doesn't say he will remove your troubles. it doesn't say he will give you everything you want. it doesn't say it will be easy. it says he will strengthen you with his power. and be patient.

whatever my troubles are, i rely on his strength, his power, and i don't give up.

whatsoever things are true

phillipians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest,

ahhh, the wonderful world of the internet. where we share more than we should. where we can pretend (or actually believe???) we are something we are not.

i wandered as i browsed the web - and i had 12 hours at the spine hospital yesterday with msnbc on and a bad library book to read - everything from facebook, twitter, blogs and pinterest, if we are really that disillusioned about ourselves.

i know many people that know me read this, and a few of them will (and have) called me out on past behaviors. i'm really glad they do. maybe not at the time, but eventually i am glad.

i think we all have areas of our lives where certain things are the norm. ways of dress, behavior, talk. do we compromise those? or do we live our lives as us. the unique wonderful way god made us?

one thing that i've learned that makes me different is that i like to wear dresses. at work, even in a professional office environment it's rare to see dresses. maybe i should be more specific, i like girly dresses. and i wear them grocery shopping, to whitney's volleyball games, to church, pretty much wherever i'm going.

and i stick out a lot of times. funny thing is, if you put me in khakis and a black tee shirt, i feel awkward. i do on occasion wear jeans, but even prefer them with pretty shirts and heels. (or sports tee shirts and tennis shoes, but if i'm going that way, i'm probably wearing sweat pants or yoga pants and actually working out.

this is a surface reality for me. but what is inside me? am i a hypocrite? do i talk about god and scripture and share positive uplifting spiritual truths on one pinterest board and call it "wisdom" and then call one "humor" or "things that make me laugh" share off color things, speak bad about men and even other women, calling them names and parts of the body and even plain out foul language? (i will share areas where i have seen hypocrisy in my life, later. can't take too much self flagellation in one day.).

think twice about what i say/type/post. one got away from me this week, i typed something i shouldn't have (even though i meant it and know it was true doesn't mean that i should've shared it) and scheduled it to post. when i proofread it (after it posted) i edited it and took the offensive sentence down.

i want my life to line up with god's word. with the life of a follower of jesus. but i want to be the kind of follower that is not afraid to get out of her boat and go to jesus.

Luke 9:23-24 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

daily. follow. jesus.

taking up my cross doesn't sound fun. carrying a cross in biblical times was a pretty horrific experience. and it doesn't say you MAY have a cross to carry. it says to pick up your cross. defninitive. there is a cross. i wander, can we truly follow if we aren't carrying our cross? theologues? peggy? jenny? people smarter then me? any answers?

even if it means to walk the path less traveled.

The Road Not Taken

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

i love this by Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.

why???

do you ever wonder why?

why did this happen?
why didn't this happen?

and my favorite, why did it happen to me?

it's closely followed by it's relatives,

how and what

how come?

what did i do to deserve this?

these are dangerous questions to spend too much time on. mostly because usually there aren't answers. and if there are, in my case, the answers don't help.


isaiah 55:8-11 "for my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what i desire and achieve the purpose for which i sent it".

i find a lot of comfort in this passage. there is no room to mistake what god is saying here. he knows more. his ways and thoughts are better.

i have memorized this scripture in a couple of different translations of the bible, which should be a good thing, except they get all jumbled up now. basically, though, i have it hidden in my heart that "my ways are not your ways" and i never forget that. i might question, but when i do, this passage is usually quick to come to mind that he knows more. and he will accomplish what he desires.

mine is to accept that he wants better for me than i want for myself. that he knows what is good, no, better for me than i know myself.

do you ever have questions? do you accept that god knows more and leave it in his hands? is it as hard for you as it me?

lessons from the trail part 12 - what's hidden will hurt you

i got a pedicure a couple weeks ago. i don’t do this often. because i run, my feet are tender in places, calloused in places, thin toenails, etc. i typically do my own pedicure, complete with pumice and cuticle removal, etc. because i know what hurts and when to take it easy. but i splurged and had someone else do it.

i never paint my toenails (i heard that collective gasp as you all pictured my naked toenails during sandal season). but on this day i left with lovely bronze sparkly toes. i couldn’t stop staring, they were so pretty.

then i ran the lunar trek. guess what i didn’t think to check? the length of my toenails under the polish. what is acceptable for a 4-6 mile run is not acceptable for 20 or more miles. once my feet start swelling my toes push into my shoes and if the toenails are left long they rub against the end/top of the shoe and loosen and blisters form under the toenail and it’s painful and eventually you are left with “black toenail”, no explanation needed. takes about 6 months to get back to normal.

i have two black toenails because they were hidden under the pretty polish.

john 3:20-21 “all who do evil hate the light and refuse to go near it for fear their sins will be exposed. 21 but those who do what is right come to the light so others can see that they are doing what god wants.

made me wander what i needed to bring into the light.

what i know that god knows

he knew i'd fail, he created me

he knew i'd never be good enough, only he is perfect

he knew i'd have self esteem issues, he wants me to fill up with him

he knew i'd think i wasn't pretty enough, he tells me i'm beautiful

he knew i'd love him, i was made to love



he loves me...because he chooses to