i'm not jesus

i used my blog to tell someone off. (two someones) used it to make a point. specific points. she (they) deserved it. but it doesn’t make it right. i didn't say unkind or hateful things. i merely took information/some one else’s opinion and poked holes in it. used scripture and god to make my way right. used it to show my superiority (in my own eyes,of course). show my maturity and wisdom. which is exactly what i didn’t do.

most of you wouldn’t have understood it. might have noticed i was a bit in your face, but not gotten the specifics.

in hindsight would i do it again? most likely. because i didn’t do it on the spur of the moment or even in anger. i proofread what i wrote. i think it needed to be said. but not by me, and not the way i said it.

no matter how much hurt and pain you have caused the people i love (and me, but i'm included in the people i love because i love myself) doesn’t make it okay for me to strike out and hurt you back. no matter how much i want to see you hurt.

but while i am a christian who desperately wants to more like jesus, i am woefully inadequately human.

i can take a lot. i really can. but when comments are made about my appearance and ways i choose to spend my money. when my husband is insulted. when i feel attacked on purpose, when pain has been intentionally inflicted in the place that hurts me most, when my family has been hurt, and you just won’t stop, then i have a harder time behaving. taking the high road. again, i’m just not jesus.

so here is my public apology. as much as i want to be perfect and holy, loving and kind, showing grace and mercy, i miss the mark. sometimes instead of these wonderful qualities that I wish I had an abundance of i mete out judgment and anger and scolding scalding words.

then i need grace and mercy; forgiveness extended to me as well.

it’s not up to me to change people who need changing. that is god’s to do. i need some changing too. i realize it on a regular basis, like daily, how badly defective i am and how much i need my savior. this is not my inferiority or low self-esteem talking. this is the i’m-a-wretched-sinner-saved-by-grace talking. the same grace that is extended to the people who hurt me needs to be extended to me when i hurt them.

moving forward, lesson learned, except....

mess with my family and i lose sight of how i'm supposed to behave and then i end up asking for forgiveness again. maybe there won't be a next time. but if there is, i plan to deal with it with grace and mercy...same as i want to be treated.