measurements

why do women always feel like they don’t measure up?

i continue to see women unsure of themselves, trying to live up to other’s expectations. i am working hard at not doing this.

i went to heights for locker decoration night for the volleyball team. i have no scrapbook junk anymore so i had to make a trip specifically to buy stuff for a poster board. it needed to be red/white/silver and about volleyball and have whitney’s name and volleyball number on it. not too difficult. armed with my baggie (seriously) of supplies and a glue gun we went and picked up our poster board and i got to work.

i watched women come in with full scrapbook kits. bags of stuff. i was done in 10 minutes and socialized for a while. when whitney and i left an hour later there were women still not done.

whitney’s locker decoration is not a work of art. it was better before she added to it with glitter glue. okay, the glitter glue was cool, but someone touched it before it was dry... but it is hers. it was not lame or dorky or embarrassing. (whitney acts tough, but she cares if her dad and i embarrass her. so we don't).

i listened to the women talk about not being creative and not knowing what to do and apologizing for what they were making. it made me sad. there was no wrong or right way. just a bunch of mom’s showing up to do something special for their daughter. and yet there was insecurity.

then at work this week a lady brought in banana bread and put it on the desk CLOSEST.TO.ME. (that's irrelevant to the story, i just hate that the food desk is now right next to me and not two aisles over where i never see it) and said, just call me “betty dillons”. which was funny. but she did something thoughtful and then poked fun at herself that she didn’t make it from scratch. we didn’t care. we appreciated the bread.

a friend ran her first 5k this week. and when she talked about it, she was proud of herself, but felt the need to say she had to walk a couple times. who freakin’ cares? you ran a 5k. you worked hard for it. be proud of it no matter how long it took and how much you walked.

i did this. i made excuses. but i’ve quit. just do it and be proud of the accomplishment. i much prefer this over the not finishing or making excuses or not having the courage to try.

it’s one thing to go out and run 3 miles. it’s another thing to step to the starting line of a race with other people. your time is going to be published on line. pictures will be taken. people will see you. and even though you may not know them, it can be intimidating, especially the first time or two.

my area of insecurity is different. and I know where it comes from. i’m dealing with it. (it "manifests" itself {anyone else see the move or read the book SPHERE?} in nightmares about snakes and being naked in awful situations. my two recurring themes since childhood) once in a while it raises its evil ugly head and says “you aren’t good enough”, “you aren’t pretty enough”, “you just aren’t enough”. Not enough for your husband. Not enough for your kids.

i’m realizing i don’t have to be enough for anyone else. i’m less defined by other’s opinions of me than i have ever been in my life. still a work in progress.




i have a marathon in two days. the last three weeks with steve’s back going out has changed me training. i also didn’t feel well over a weekend and it rained and volleyball season started… (there’s the excuses for why i didn’t get my last long training run in). i’ve been kind of nervous. i keep telling myself i ran a marathon in april, 25 miles in july, and tons of training miles.

i’m registered, i’m going. and there will be no excuses. if it takes me 5 hours or 8 hours. i’m going to go and run it. and enjoy it. (and secretly be very grateful there is a 50 mile and 100 mile being run on the same course at the same time. i won’t be the last one to finish. i’m okay with being last. it didn’t hurt at all, which wasn't what i expected. I just hate making every one wait for me).

even if it rains friday and the trail is a muddy mess saturday. even if i fall down. even if i see snakes. even if i get a cramp. i'm going to enjoy every step. every minute.