the real me

i try to be real.  i try to be honest.  i try to be me.  no one else.


"you were born an original, don't die a copy". 


we know when someone is copying us.  i can see where i'm being copied right now.  i thought at first it was coincidence, then i thought i was being mocked and made fun of.  now i'm sure i'm just being copied.  imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery.  it's kind of violating.   and i'm not worth it.  there are much better role models. 

i've been struggling with something for a couple weeks.  i can't share what it is.  i wish i was brave enough, bold enough.  but i can't be that open.  it hurts.  and i feel the need to protect the other individual.  but i sent this text to two of my close friends

"would you pray for me?  i feel really down.  worse than i've ever been.  i feel defeated and like i have no purpose".

both women prayed for me, and i know it.  sent some encouraging words.  it's been a few days and it's still not resolved.  i don't know if god is going to change the other person's behavior or give me peace.   i feel i have been dealt enough pain recently that i should get a break.  but life doesn't work that way. 

i feel there is a chasm between what my head knows and what my heart feels and i'm struggling to pick the right one.

so i get up and put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the day.  and those times when i want to go in my bedroom and curl up in a ball in the corner and cry (i've done this before) i reach out to a friend, or multiple friends.  i run.  i workout.  i pray.  and as one friend said, i just breathe. 

i don't know where you are in life.  hopefully you are happy and fulfilled and not struggling.   but i doubt it.

i can't help but think of job 5:7 "People are born for trouble as readily as sparks fly up from a fire."

there is no way around it.  we are going to have trouble in this life. 

do we hide it? 
do we ask for help? 
do we pretend we have it all together? 

i can't pretend that good. 

i don't have it all together.  i'm a mess on good days.  but i don't want to ever be guilty of pretending to be someone or something i'm not. 

it's a struggle every day.  it's what makes me rely on god.

just breathe.  and in that breath, breathe a prayer.

"be you, everyone else is taken"