When I disappoint me

I stood in the corner, sunglasses on, head down, face hidden behind my bangs, trying to hide behind the men sitting and standing around the bench close to me.

So unhappy that Whitney was gone that night and I had taken it upon myself to take Belle to the dog park. Upset that once Belle is inside playing with her puppy friends there is no stopping her. She is so energetic and full of life and loves being with the other dogs, she can't stand to leave. Getting her to leave after 3 minutes was going to make a spectacle of me. And I so badly didn't want to be noticed.

By her.

I wasn't worried I'd have to talk. I wasn't afraid of that. I just didn't want to be near her. I didn't want to be seen by her.

Finally play time was over and Belle and I went to the car. Since she was so good about leaving I treated her to her own cup of ice cream from Braums.

I barely made it in the door before I was disappointed in myself.

Disappointed for cowering in the corner. Disappointed for reliving all the hurt that had been inflicted on me. Disappointed at the insecurity that no matter how many times I think I've overcome can still reduce me to a 13 year old with glasses, a bad haircut, no friends and out of style clothes (I was always out of style, Christian school in the 80's did that to you).
Pick an awkward picture...

So I went and read this passage.

Revelation 21:3-7 English Standard Version (ESV)
3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place[a] of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,[b] and God himself will be with them as their God.[c] 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” 6 And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. 7 The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.

God dwells with me. Lives with me. He is my God. I am his. He will wipe away every tear (even the ones shed over and over for the same thing). There won't be any mourning, crying, or pain. All will pass away.

He will make ALL THINGS NEW. He is the beginning and end. To the thirsty (my soul was pretty dry and thirsty) he will give from the spring of the water of life. FREE. No payment. The one who conquers has this heritage. I can be am one who conquers.

I am not beat. I am not less. I am me. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Striving to be the best child of God I can be.