HEY! Did you just call me boring?

Steve and were talking at volleyball practice the other night to the same group of parents we always talk to. The conversation turned to something not culturally acceptable and I made a side comment to Steve in fun and he was concerned that one of the ladies heard me and took me serious.

I sent her a text message and told her I had a made a crass joke to my husband and he was worried she heard me and I wanted her to know that "I DO NOT _________". She answered that she hadn't heard me, but she knew that, we were the nicest, most normal, sweetest people she knew. (She doesn't know us well, does she? Actually, she's a close friend and my daughter spends countless hours at her house. And she still considers us normal.)

My response was, "HEY! Did you just call me boring?" She said never boring, but never weird.

Along with this comment, I also got an email in response to one I sent my "mean girl" calling me stupid, Steve stupid, and several other aspersions on my character. I know I should deal with conflict face to face. But on the times I've attempted that, emotions get in the way, tempers flare, I can't hold my tongue, and I make it worse. By dealing with it in writing, I can read it, re-read it, have a close friend read and edit it for me and be confident when I send it that I'm okay with what I'm saying. It might get forwarded or even posted on facebook. If I can send it under those condtions, I'm alright. It helps me deal only with me. My feelings and the circumstance. Not "who you are" or "what kind of person could do this" or what I might say in person, "you miserable low-down lying back stabbing witch".

I'm often struck by how people see us or don't see us, compared to how we see ourselves. I don't see myself as normal, or boring, or even sweet. I also don't see myself as stupid.

I read a book (a series of books) last week. It wasn't about this topic at all, but a couple of times the main character would deal with the idea that the world saw her different than she was, or that someone had seen the "real" her, not the heroine of the story.

I think about this a lot anyway. I quit living to other peoples expectations about a year ago. Steve told me to stop taking responsibility for everything. Sheila told me to stop trying to control everything. My brother told me to quite being so nice and stop being a doormat. These three? They got it right. I even saw all this in myself. It didn't start that way, it started out by trying to hold my tongue. Love others, meet their needs. And those are good things to do. I went overboard. I lost myself.
I have since lost more of myself. But I needed to. I have gained so much more. We never arrive, we are a work in progress. Philippians 1:6 (one of my favorite verses) says And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. This is one of my favorites because it says that GOD began the work,and he will CONTINUE his work and he will FINISH it on the day Jesus returns.

I'm not there yet, but I'm not supposed to be. I'm farther along then I was yesterday, not where I'll be tomorrow.
Lovingly,


Your stupid, boring, normal, weird, nice, doormat, controlling virtual friend.