ATD - At The Doctors.
BFF - Best Friend Fell.
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth.
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL - Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA - Got Heartburn Again.
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On.
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU - Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Get out of the boat
I have bad moments. I have angry moments. Hurt moments. Moments full of shame and even guilt. And I have to get away.
At home, I can put on my running shoes or take the trash out or go to Walmart.
At work, I can hide in the bathroom, but they are multi-stall bathrooms, and quite busy. So this afternoon, I went to the tunnel. It’s a quarter mile underground tunnel that runs the length of our building. I walked it several times. (My boss and co-workers have been outstanding).
While I was walking and praying and crying, I experienced the presence of Jesus again. He’s never left my side. The last sermon I heard Mark preach at Newspring was from his Red Letters series and it was about Peter getting out of the boat. But other than that, I didn’t listen. I knew that night that things were really bad for me. I didn’t know how bad, but I knew. And I sat there in church hopeless, alone, afraid, not even knowing what I was afraid of. So I couldn’t tell you the message. But I’m very familiar with the story. The disciples were in a boat, a storm comes up. Jesus came walking toward them on top of the water, and Peter said, if you are the Lord, ask me to come to you. Jesus says it’s me, come. And Peter steps out and walks toward Jesus. He takes his eyes off and sinks, but Jesus catches him.
In my walk this afternoon, Jesus whispered to my heart “get out of the boat”. For a minute I was trying to figure out where that thought came from, I was taken off guard. But it stayed on my heart and dropped me to my knees right there in the tunnel. Same message as Saturday. Stop doing this yourself. Trust me. And I prayed at that moment that I would never take my eyes off my Jesus again.
At home, I can put on my running shoes or take the trash out or go to Walmart.
At work, I can hide in the bathroom, but they are multi-stall bathrooms, and quite busy. So this afternoon, I went to the tunnel. It’s a quarter mile underground tunnel that runs the length of our building. I walked it several times. (My boss and co-workers have been outstanding).
While I was walking and praying and crying, I experienced the presence of Jesus again. He’s never left my side. The last sermon I heard Mark preach at Newspring was from his Red Letters series and it was about Peter getting out of the boat. But other than that, I didn’t listen. I knew that night that things were really bad for me. I didn’t know how bad, but I knew. And I sat there in church hopeless, alone, afraid, not even knowing what I was afraid of. So I couldn’t tell you the message. But I’m very familiar with the story. The disciples were in a boat, a storm comes up. Jesus came walking toward them on top of the water, and Peter said, if you are the Lord, ask me to come to you. Jesus says it’s me, come. And Peter steps out and walks toward Jesus. He takes his eyes off and sinks, but Jesus catches him.
In my walk this afternoon, Jesus whispered to my heart “get out of the boat”. For a minute I was trying to figure out where that thought came from, I was taken off guard. But it stayed on my heart and dropped me to my knees right there in the tunnel. Same message as Saturday. Stop doing this yourself. Trust me. And I prayed at that moment that I would never take my eyes off my Jesus again.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Race Report
I ran my marathon last Saturday. Hot, sticky, dirty 26.2 miles of sand and dirt on horse trails. It was great. Had a good weekend, all things considered. Enjoyed my time with Steve. It looked like I might have made a mistake with 7:15 start time because I didn't bring a headlamp or flashlight. But the sun came up just in time. So with my camelback, gu, and ipod I set off for a solitary run/hike through nature. The run itself was enjoyable. My ipod classic gives me hours, so I was grooving along. At mile 8 aid station they told me to make sure my camelback was full and I had plenty of everything I needed because the next aid was five miles. The guy who filled my camelback told me I looked to pretty to be running a marathon so this was my favorite aid station.
The course was well marked, but mile markers were not always easy to see. About the time I thought I should have seen 11 and hadn't yet seen 10 I started getting worried. If i was moving that slow, I might have to drop to the half and after Psycho Wyco I didn't want to do that. I was pleasantly surprised when I rounded the bend and wad at 13.4.
loop 2 started out great. At mile 17 aid station the bottoms if my feet hurt from sand running. I left the aid station and hit three miles of sand. At this point my feet began to feel like the bottoms were shredded by razors. I did get a little mojo when I passed some people. I finished under the time I wanted. Running in heat for the first time with a drastic temperature increase is difficult. Best part, Freddrick gave me five Monday night and told me I was awesome. I needed to hear it. And...I ran 20 miles this week. I recovered extremely well.
Running is not spiritual for me. It's physical. But the time alone with God was powerful. I spent several hours praying and examining my life. Confessing, repenting, crying and praising God. And I'm so blessed for that time. If ever I needed to have God close to me, this is the time. And he is keeping his word to me. He is good. And from the very depths of my injured soul, I can praise him for his visibility in my storm.
The course was well marked, but mile markers were not always easy to see. About the time I thought I should have seen 11 and hadn't yet seen 10 I started getting worried. If i was moving that slow, I might have to drop to the half and after Psycho Wyco I didn't want to do that. I was pleasantly surprised when I rounded the bend and wad at 13.4.
loop 2 started out great. At mile 17 aid station the bottoms if my feet hurt from sand running. I left the aid station and hit three miles of sand. At this point my feet began to feel like the bottoms were shredded by razors. I did get a little mojo when I passed some people. I finished under the time I wanted. Running in heat for the first time with a drastic temperature increase is difficult. Best part, Freddrick gave me five Monday night and told me I was awesome. I needed to hear it. And...I ran 20 miles this week. I recovered extremely well.
Running is not spiritual for me. It's physical. But the time alone with God was powerful. I spent several hours praying and examining my life. Confessing, repenting, crying and praising God. And I'm so blessed for that time. If ever I needed to have God close to me, this is the time. And he is keeping his word to me. He is good. And from the very depths of my injured soul, I can praise him for his visibility in my storm.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I'm not living for God anymore
How about that title? Scare you a little? God has been so amazing in my life this week. Praying is like swiping my debit card. Immediate reassurance. Scriptures that are the voice of God in my ear. Comfort. Peace. Assurance he is God.
So what does "I'm not living for God anymore" mean? While I was running and praying this morning God laid something on my heart. He said, "quit, and let me". So when I say I'm living for God, it's about me and what I can do. And I'm pretty dang sure I can't do anything right now. But he also spoke this to my heart. If you'll quit trying so hard to live for me, and let me live through you, this will be so much better.
Colossians 1:11 says "God will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come but you will be patient."
It's all him. Not me.
So what does "I'm not living for God anymore" mean? While I was running and praying this morning God laid something on my heart. He said, "quit, and let me". So when I say I'm living for God, it's about me and what I can do. And I'm pretty dang sure I can't do anything right now. But he also spoke this to my heart. If you'll quit trying so hard to live for me, and let me live through you, this will be so much better.
Colossians 1:11 says "God will strengthen you with his own great power so you will not give up when troubles come but you will be patient."
It's all him. Not me.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sabbatical not over...
But I did want to say a big thank you to all the wonderful women in my life who have held me up in prayer and really helped me through a rough time. I will be back to share some things, but don't know when or how much later. Huge thanks to my "blog girlfriends" Jules and Jenn for reaching out and praying. I'm looking forward to the day I get to meet you. To my "childhood girlfriends" who are still besties now, Sheila, thanks for letting me cry on you and praying for me and not being mean to my husband and for making me eat, even if wasn't much. And thanks for raising a daughter who knows how to be a girlfriend too. Rebecca, the one who knows me so well at my worst, all dark and twisted and isn't afraid to go to that dark and twisted place and drag me out. My "Boston girlfriends" Jenny for some of the best counseling I received, and for praying with me. Terrible time for a dropped call, who do we blame, AT&T or Verizon? And Carrie that I can't thank enough for how she treated Steve and what she said to him. WOW! Is about all I got, because of what it meant to him. My "summer girlfriend" Kathy, four years watching our boys play baseball and be close friends, your wisdom and frank talk was so needed.
To the others who reached out and offered prayers and kind words and if you need anythings, so appreciated. Mindy, Cate, Deb, Kristin.
THANK YOU ALL.
To the others who reached out and offered prayers and kind words and if you need anythings, so appreciated. Mindy, Cate, Deb, Kristin.
THANK YOU ALL.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sabbatical
I am taking some time off from my blog. I have been shattered this morning, and I jsut stood and cried in my 18 year old sons arms, as he didn't know what to say to me except I love you. I have a rough road ahead of me, and I'm not willing to share right now, but maybe someday. I could use any prayers anyone can send my way, and at some point, I'll be back.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Conversations with Whitney
A picture is worth a thousand words...
A weeks worth of Whitney pictures, these were all since Tuesday.
She went to school wearing different colored shoes. On purpose. Anyone else remember the 80's when wearing different colored Chuck Taylors was in style?
Volleyball practice. Side ponytail. Her coach once told me he worries about her when she wears the side pony.
Another 80's flashback...
My life is never boring with this little one. Lonely when she's gone, though. At friends, etc.
A weeks worth of Whitney pictures, these were all since Tuesday.
She went to school wearing different colored shoes. On purpose. Anyone else remember the 80's when wearing different colored Chuck Taylors was in style?
Volleyball practice. Side ponytail. Her coach once told me he worries about her when she wears the side pony.
Another 80's flashback...
My life is never boring with this little one. Lonely when she's gone, though. At friends, etc.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Taking my girlfriends back
I said I was going to do it, and I am. This means when I think of them I tell them. Even if it's very random and pointless. Because my 14 year old daughter would. And she is who I'm modeling my new friendship processes after. If I miss them, I tell them. If I want to say I love you, I say it. And if I'm bothering them they can tell me.
Taking my girlfriends back also includes getting up at 5:00 a.m. and running with one that lives 3 miles away. We both run, we like to run together, and it sure is worth the hour of sleep to spend it running with her. Good company and at least a 600 calorie burn to start the day.
To all my girlfriends out there, love you!
Taking my girlfriends back also includes getting up at 5:00 a.m. and running with one that lives 3 miles away. We both run, we like to run together, and it sure is worth the hour of sleep to spend it running with her. Good company and at least a 600 calorie burn to start the day.
To all my girlfriends out there, love you!
Monday, March 14, 2011
My tuna sandwich
I was reading Mark 6, Jesus performed many miracles around this time. I kind of think I need a miracle right now. Whether it's healing or multiplying what I have is irrelevant, with what I read and what I realized in this passage this morning. Jesus knew the crowd was hungry. He knew he didn't have food. So he asked the disciples to go see what the crowd had. They find a boy with 5 loaves of bread and two small fishes. And Jesus fed over 5,000 people that day.
I would give my lunch away for someone else to eat. I would give to anyone I knew needed something. If I could meet the need. But I'm not sure in this case I would have the confidence to see 5000 hungry people and look at my small lunch and believe it could work. Also, people might laugh at me, or worse yet, it might be rejected. (I still worry people won't like my food when I fix it. Keeps me from participating in potlucks. Would rather take something in the grocery store container than be rejected. And this is odd, because I'm a dang good cook.) Sometimes, my faith is in what I can do which admittedly is not much.
With my fundamental (legalistic) upbringing where accepting Christ was a life sentence of "thou shalt nots" there was also a lot of teaching that while it didn't come right out and say it, we got the message that if we didn't do certain things and live a certain way, God wouldn't bless us. This is pretty harsh, because on one side we had a list of rules a mile long we had to live up to. On the other side a list of consequences if we didn't. If God wasn't blessing us, we had sin in our lives. We didn't have to earn salvation, but we had to earn God's approval.
So to a personality that already feels it has to perform to a certain level, that worries about what people think of her, that needs people to like her (not as much anymore, I'm growing up) I thought many times that Jesus just didn't like me very much.
Read on a little further though, and the end of Mark 8 says "If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want." This is just a short part of the verse, but it really moved me. Following Christ is not easy, based solely on this one sentence Jesus spoke on this earth. It's not natural to give up the things we want. For me it's not material things, I like "stuff", but I can live without it, because I don't mind getting by without many things people take for granted. (For instance, I shoveled my walk last storm with a swiffer mop cause I don't have a snow shovel and after it snows like it did? Try and find one to purchase). My family of four shares one computer. I have given up the idea that I will ever have a happy family with all my children together, because 4 of them are grown and we lived through hell for many years because of behavior problems so that time/opportunity is gone.
I have to give up on the idea that to follow Christ and serve him that what I have isn't enough. Because I feel that way. I don't have much to give, the idea that even if I give everything and I'm not talking material, I'm talking "me", it isn't much. But that is saying that God made a mistake in creating me. It's not about what I can do, it's what he can do through me. And I know that to the outside world that I don't look like much. I'm not noticeably talented in anything the world puts value on. But I do know what I'm good at, and I know what God values. And I know what I can do. Where I can serve most effectively. And this comes back to my ONEWORD 2011 - ME! Do what I can do. Then trust God to bless it. I can give my tuna sandwich and let God multiply it. He hasn't short changed me. He's given me exactly what He wants me to have.
I would give my lunch away for someone else to eat. I would give to anyone I knew needed something. If I could meet the need. But I'm not sure in this case I would have the confidence to see 5000 hungry people and look at my small lunch and believe it could work. Also, people might laugh at me, or worse yet, it might be rejected. (I still worry people won't like my food when I fix it. Keeps me from participating in potlucks. Would rather take something in the grocery store container than be rejected. And this is odd, because I'm a dang good cook.) Sometimes, my faith is in what I can do which admittedly is not much.
With my fundamental (legalistic) upbringing where accepting Christ was a life sentence of "thou shalt nots" there was also a lot of teaching that while it didn't come right out and say it, we got the message that if we didn't do certain things and live a certain way, God wouldn't bless us. This is pretty harsh, because on one side we had a list of rules a mile long we had to live up to. On the other side a list of consequences if we didn't. If God wasn't blessing us, we had sin in our lives. We didn't have to earn salvation, but we had to earn God's approval.
So to a personality that already feels it has to perform to a certain level, that worries about what people think of her, that needs people to like her (not as much anymore, I'm growing up) I thought many times that Jesus just didn't like me very much.
Read on a little further though, and the end of Mark 8 says "If people want to follow me, they must give up the things they want." This is just a short part of the verse, but it really moved me. Following Christ is not easy, based solely on this one sentence Jesus spoke on this earth. It's not natural to give up the things we want. For me it's not material things, I like "stuff", but I can live without it, because I don't mind getting by without many things people take for granted. (For instance, I shoveled my walk last storm with a swiffer mop cause I don't have a snow shovel and after it snows like it did? Try and find one to purchase). My family of four shares one computer. I have given up the idea that I will ever have a happy family with all my children together, because 4 of them are grown and we lived through hell for many years because of behavior problems so that time/opportunity is gone.
I have to give up on the idea that to follow Christ and serve him that what I have isn't enough. Because I feel that way. I don't have much to give, the idea that even if I give everything and I'm not talking material, I'm talking "me", it isn't much. But that is saying that God made a mistake in creating me. It's not about what I can do, it's what he can do through me. And I know that to the outside world that I don't look like much. I'm not noticeably talented in anything the world puts value on. But I do know what I'm good at, and I know what God values. And I know what I can do. Where I can serve most effectively. And this comes back to my ONEWORD 2011 - ME! Do what I can do. Then trust God to bless it. I can give my tuna sandwich and let God multiply it. He hasn't short changed me. He's given me exactly what He wants me to have.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Conversations with Whitney
Whitney: Maddi and I are going to go to college together in California.
Me: That's nice
Whitney: We're going to work at Hooters to pay for our apartment.
Me: Really?
Whitney: You're going to let me work at Hooters?
Me: You're 19 and in California I can't stop you.
Whitney: Are you going to pay for my boob job?
Me: The only boob job you'll need is a reduction. Someday your genetics will catch up with you.
Whitney: Oh yeah! Like (and here she names two family members).
Me: SMH (shaking my head)
Me: That's nice
Whitney: We're going to work at Hooters to pay for our apartment.
Me: Really?
Whitney: You're going to let me work at Hooters?
Me: You're 19 and in California I can't stop you.
Whitney: Are you going to pay for my boob job?
Me: The only boob job you'll need is a reduction. Someday your genetics will catch up with you.
Whitney: Oh yeah! Like (and here she names two family members).
Me: SMH (shaking my head)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Darkness
Darkness. Oppression. Conflict. Confusion. Despair. Hopeless.
Darkness. Been feeling this. Manufacturing problems that don't exist. Embracing insecurities. Feeding them, thriving on them. Then I read 1 John 1:5-7. "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light, in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his son, purifies us from all sin."
Jesus doesn't have a dark side. He is only light. While he never promised it would always be easy, he promised he'd never leave us. Loved this passage.
Darkness. Been feeling this. Manufacturing problems that don't exist. Embracing insecurities. Feeding them, thriving on them. Then I read 1 John 1:5-7. "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light, in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his son, purifies us from all sin."
Jesus doesn't have a dark side. He is only light. While he never promised it would always be easy, he promised he'd never leave us. Loved this passage.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
In my corner
In an effort to be more "transparent and open"...
Syncros went out of Steve's car. It won't shift into 5th gear or reverse.
Rear brakes went out on my SUV.
Sold Nate's jeep for scrap metal, because it was totaled in the fog. Covered the towing/storage costs.
Been coordinating 4 different schedules on 3 different sides of town with two cars.
Steve's car was in a hit and run in a parking lot.
Middle stepdaughter returned home from prison and went right back to old friends and old lifestyle.
Youngest stepdaughter went to jail on child endangerment charges and her baby is in protective custody while they approve a family member for temporary custody and look for permanent foster care. Stepdaughter is now "concerned" about the babies safety and well being because it's in foster care.
Wasted time at Barnes & Noble with Whitney. God led me to a book and told me to buy it. Read it and make changes. Because I have some issues.
Steve declined a job as a worship pastor after 4 months of the "interview" process.
Nate dropped a bomb on me about his plans for this summer and next year. Momma is not ready for her boy to move away yet.
Whitney's best friend was in a fight at school this week. Not her fault. Totally unprovoked. She fought back, because she had no choice. It's on You tube. It was that premeditated, they set it up and had a friend tape it. I've talked to her mom about it several times. (Friend is handling it remarkably well).
Drove home from Kansas City in a thunderstorm. Included hail, 50 mph winds, lightning, thunder, blinding rain and trucks passing at 70 mph.
Had another food allergy attack, with a dinner I cooked. Turns out I can't have McCormick seasonings.
It's been really stressful around my house. I don't say all this for sympathy or compassion. Just thought for a change instead of sharing all the cool things, all the good things in my life, I'd come down to where the real people live and let you know the other side of my life. However,in spite of all this, I experienced many blessings last week too.
Just keeping it real.
Syncros went out of Steve's car. It won't shift into 5th gear or reverse.
Rear brakes went out on my SUV.
Sold Nate's jeep for scrap metal, because it was totaled in the fog. Covered the towing/storage costs.
Been coordinating 4 different schedules on 3 different sides of town with two cars.
Steve's car was in a hit and run in a parking lot.
Middle stepdaughter returned home from prison and went right back to old friends and old lifestyle.
Youngest stepdaughter went to jail on child endangerment charges and her baby is in protective custody while they approve a family member for temporary custody and look for permanent foster care. Stepdaughter is now "concerned" about the babies safety and well being because it's in foster care.
Wasted time at Barnes & Noble with Whitney. God led me to a book and told me to buy it. Read it and make changes. Because I have some issues.
Steve declined a job as a worship pastor after 4 months of the "interview" process.
Nate dropped a bomb on me about his plans for this summer and next year. Momma is not ready for her boy to move away yet.
Whitney's best friend was in a fight at school this week. Not her fault. Totally unprovoked. She fought back, because she had no choice. It's on You tube. It was that premeditated, they set it up and had a friend tape it. I've talked to her mom about it several times. (Friend is handling it remarkably well).
Drove home from Kansas City in a thunderstorm. Included hail, 50 mph winds, lightning, thunder, blinding rain and trucks passing at 70 mph.
Had another food allergy attack, with a dinner I cooked. Turns out I can't have McCormick seasonings.
It's been really stressful around my house. I don't say all this for sympathy or compassion. Just thought for a change instead of sharing all the cool things, all the good things in my life, I'd come down to where the real people live and let you know the other side of my life. However,in spite of all this, I experienced many blessings last week too.
Just keeping it real.
Training Update
Marathon #1 of 2011 is in two weeks. I say #1, because I have big goals this year. Steve is a running the 50 mile, so I can walk as much of it as I need to. I only throw that out as an option because it's a trail. I ran the half marathon there a few years ago, and here are a few pictures.
I intend to run with my camera and take pictures. I'm not concerned about time, just about having fun. So I want to document what I want to remember and share.
Yesterday's 22 miles went well, so now I have nothing but 5 milers in my future for 13 days. I checked the weather in Decatur, and they have 81 predicted as a high next week, while we have another 30 degrees and snow. This concerns me, because running in the heat is harder than running in the cold. But it just decided for me I will definitely wear the camelback for hydration. Looking forward to it.
I intend to run with my camera and take pictures. I'm not concerned about time, just about having fun. So I want to document what I want to remember and share.
Yesterday's 22 miles went well, so now I have nothing but 5 milers in my future for 13 days. I checked the weather in Decatur, and they have 81 predicted as a high next week, while we have another 30 degrees and snow. This concerns me, because running in the heat is harder than running in the cold. But it just decided for me I will definitely wear the camelback for hydration. Looking forward to it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I can't see
Last week I went to the eye doctor. My contacts were really old. I changed them in the car. Left one felt great but the right one was blurry. Like can't see blurry. So I went back and the doc said he would look at them. He said left one was great. Looked in my right eye and then said for me to take my contact out. I did. He says take the other one out. I reach for my left eye and he starts laughing and says, no, the other eye. I put the new on top of the old.
I felt like a moron. But had to laugh because it was funny.
I felt like a moron. But had to laugh because it was funny.
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