I am afraid

I really am.  I was reading my Bible at lunch today and came across a passage. It’s not a new passage, I was raised in church and Christian school and in a minister’s home.  I’ve heard and read it all many times.  Why is it that something that should be so familiar to me can be forgotten?  Job 23:13-16 “But he is the only God.  Who can come against him?  He does anything he wants. He will do to me what he said he would do, and he has many plans like this.  That is why I am frightened of him; when I think of this, I am afraid of him.  God has made me afraid; the Almighty terrifies me.”  I have been unhappy with things in my life.  Things I have no control over.  No matter how hard I have tried to bring about certain outcomes, I can’t do it.  And these are not bad things, not really even selfish things I want to see.  They are good things, necessary things.   I have been, well, let’s just say I have NOT been content with the state of my life lately.  This has translated to discouragement and even on some days feeling like God doesn’t care about me.  How dangerous is this?  I believe every word in the Bible, which means I have been really testing the patience of God.  Good thing he is longsuffering or I would be a pile of ashes right now.  I know he is working in lives, and it’s not about my comfort and happiness.  I know it’s about my growth and character, not about my wants, and even what I think I need.  But knowing all this has not kept me from being dissatisfied.  The second half of verse 13 that says “he does anything he wants”.  Well, then this is what he wants, at least for now.  I have to live for Christ, and do what I can, but then I have to leave what is out of my control to him, and really trust that he does know best.  I constantly think of James 4:17 “Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.”  I need to do what I know is right.  PERIOD.  I need to have a fear of God.  He hates sin, he doesn’t want it in my life.  Doubt and discouragement are sin.  Anxiety is sin.  Disbelief is sin.  Thinking God has forgotten about me or doesn’t care about me?  I know how badly it hurts for your kids to think you don’t care about them, knowing it’s not true, knowing it’s the decisions they have made that have them struggling.  Why would I act that way to my heavenly father?  Am I some special kind of stupid right now?  (That is rhetorical, please don’t answer).Patsy Baker