Storm Warning

Busier than a one legged man. That’s me. I keep trying to simplify and slow things down, but my life seems to be like a snowball rolling downhill. Too many clichés? If I’m honest it’s not the busyness that bothers me, it’s the busyness being for everyone else and getting in the way of what I want to do. I really love my family and love being where they are and taking care of them, but sometimes the inner child just screams “WHAT ABOUT ME?” For me to reach this point conditions have to be favorable, everything comes together for the perfect storm.
It’s like our weather lately. We’ve been under a tornado watch several times. For the native Kansan, that means continue on with what you’ve been doing; while conditions are right for tornadoes to develop none have been spotted. (Think of the little boy who cried wolf.) Then there is the tornado warning but the tornado is two counties away and moving your direction at 60 mph. To the native Kansan, this means go outside and look West for the tornado. Then there is the tornado warning accompanied by the sirens and alarms and the newscasters saying it’s heading right at you, take cover. This is where the native Kansan remembers Andover and Greensburg and heads to the storm shelter. Now imagine I’m that tornado…Tornado watch, give me a diet coke, something sweet or a whole pizza, or let me run 10 miles and the favorable conditions dissipate. Tornado warning two counties away, do the dishes or the laundry or pick up your socks or wait a day to tell me your feet have grown yet again, and the storm will blow out before it gets to you. When the sirens and alarms go off, my family takes cover. And like the intelligent people they are, they know it’s their fault. Like the insensitive obtuse people they are when it comes to mom and her feelings, they have no idea why.
I have seen the wonderfully positive video of the woman talking about how she is happy to be invisible for her family. It’s very moving. During a full moon when my favorite jeans fit and I had 7 uninterrupted hours of sleep, I feel that way too. And I know super moms who are always positive and upbeat and happy and my kids are great and my world is great and I love life and I want to know, what are you on, and can I get some? Actually I think all the women like this that I know have children either under the age of 9 or over the age of 22. Completely reliant on mom for everything, or able to take care of themselves. I’m not going to go into all the things we have going on that make me really busy. Everyone is busy. And I am completely aware that I bring most of this grief on myself. I can say no. BUT THEN I MIGHT MISS SOMETHING!!! This requires an explanation. I trust my kids. I know their friends and their friend’s parents. I even know Nate’s boss on a first name basis. (He dated my college roommate. The boss, not Nate.) I trust Steve. Completely, totally. But I find out after the fact things that have happened or things they’ve done or places they’ve been (not vacations, just lunch with friends, etc.) and I feel like I’m missing out. So I make myself crazy to be a part of their life, even just as a spectator, because my world is wrapped up in theirs. Everything I do is for them. I work, not for career satisfaction, but for money and health, dental, optical, and orthodontia insurance. I cook, but again it’s for my family. And I clean, and if my family wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have to do as much or as often. Which is why they have so much power over me. They can hurt my feelings like no one else can. They can also make me the happiest woman on the planet. They affect my emotions like no one else can. And the alternative to their power over me is loving them less. Not going to happen.
I really spent a lot of time thinking about this week, because I have a great family, yet I can get discouraged and depressed. So what am I doing to help the woman who is not married to a great guy and who’s kids are in trouble? Maybe she has it all together and isn’t quite the nut job that I know I can be, but maybe she’s faking it. Because I pretend too. I pretend that life isn’t overwhelming. I pretend that I have it together and I’m in control. I don’t think I’m fooling many people. This verse has always made me laugh, in the KJV Genesis 3:16 says “in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” In other translations it’s pain and not sorrow, but when I was a kid I thought it meant you were sorry you ever had kids, and husbands were kings. That could’ve been the fundamental Baptist church I grew up in. But I’m not going to end with scriptures about child rearing and about being a wife, or even how my children and husband should act, because they really treat me good. Matthew 16:24 says “Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me.” (NLT) I have to turn from wanting my way and making everything about me. When it says take up your cross there is no way I can take that to mean it’s going to be easy. And I’m going to finish with this from Proverbs 6:6-11 “6Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! 7 Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, 8 they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter. 9 But you, lazybones, how long will you sleep? When will you wake up? 10 A little extra sleep, a little more slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—11 then poverty will pounce on you like a bandit; scarcity will attack you like an armed robber.” (NLT) Work hard, keep busy. I can see a parallel to parenting in this. Work hard for your family. Provide for them. If what they need from me is clean laundry and dinner, it’s an investment that will pay long term dividends. If they need me sitting on the sidelines supporting them, cheering for them, aching for them when things don’t go their way, bringing them Gatorade, then that’s where I’ll be, making that investment. If my only important job to my daughter right now is French braiding her hair every night so she has beautiful wavy hair for school the next morning, she is worth it. So if anyone out there feels unloved, unappreciated, forgotten, invisible or like a storm that is about to erupt, you are not alone, and this is not wrong. It’s what we do with it. I’m having pizza and cake.