The good Christian woman

I'm not her. If I base my belief on good christianity on my upbringing and how I was raised, I'm an awful Christian.

I question God. I'm not going to sugar coat this and say it's prayerful even. I really do ask him why. I know he doesn't owe me an answer. I know he's always good. I know we live in a sinful broken world. And he knows this. And he knows I'm scared and confused and disappointed and not always happy. All the things good christians are supposed to be; brave, fearless, unwavering faith in God, happy; deliriously so, so the world will want what I have.

My life doesn't allow this. I believe that in my crying to God asking "why this happened" he understands the heart that's asking. In the fear, and acknowledging the fear and moving forward following him in the dark times regardless he understands the trepidation, yet gives the strength to move forward. In the times of asking for a way out, any way out, not having to deal with my problems. My thoughts, my hurts, he knows that I want out because I hurt. And he knows that at some point I will pick myself up and walk through the dark time to come out on the other side because I believe him. I believe I have to go through it to get to the end. I believe the valley, the dark times, are only beautiful once you are out of them.

I also believe if we don't have the freedom to talk to God honestly, because let's be real, he knows our hearts anyway, and let him know we are down and discouraged, disappointed and distraught, we will never get victory over them. You know the old saying, the first step is admitting you have a problem?

He's God in the good times, he's God in the bad times. And I don't pretend to have it all figured out. I don't pretend that everything is okay. I don't hold it in (anymore). I ask my friends that I trust for advice. For prayer. I tell them what I'm struggling with. I trust that when I can't make out the truth from God, that they will seek him for me.

But bottom line, I am not afraid to go to God with very real hurts, heartbreak, disappointments, fears, etc. Because if I don't recognize him in the hard times and know that he will walk with me, then when those hard times come and I'm afraid to be honest, where can I go? So I pour it out to the one who can take it. And let him pour back into me.

When Scripture says "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you", 1 Peter 5:7, it's our invitation to bring him our cares. We don't have to pretty them up or fix ourselves before we come to him. If we did, I'd never be able to come to him.

I have some cares that I desperately need to give up. I am working on it. And it's not flowery prayers or pretty words or all postive. But it doesn't have to be. I love him. I fear him. I know he is God, and I know he loves me.