I just read a blog where a woman is moaning about her oldest daughter starting kindergarten. I totally get this, but I am preparing for my oldest to move out. to another town with a friend. In two months. Two hours a way. And while we are both ready, or both think we are, I know I'm going to miss him. I've already looked at the calendar to see when the first weekend I can go up on a Saturday is. You know, after he's been gone sufficiently long enough that I'm not clingy but not so long that I have a nervous breakdown but in between volleyball tournaments and 100 mile races.
When my kids were born I gave them my heart. Some people say they stole their hearts, but I gave mine. And as I watch Nate pull away from me, from everyone at home as he prepares to leave I'm saddened, but excited for his future. He told me the other night that it's not high school anymore, life's really different. And it's hard. I have never fought with him, in 19 years until this summer. And a lot of it is my fault because I don't want to give him room to go. I told Steve the other day our kids would all be better off financially, educationally, spiritually, healthy if they would just listen to me. But reality is they are all at least one year out of high school, so I can't make their decisions. They have to learn.
And Nate worries about his little sister who is going to be a sophomore not being "savvy" enough. I asked him what I was doing wrong for her, and he said it wasn't that. It's just high school is hard, but life after high school is much harder and he wants her to be ready.
I know he can make it on his own. I don't expect him back.
I can still remember the first day of kindergarten (5 years 1 month old) as I dropped him off in brown hiking boots, light colored jeans and a green polo shirt. He looked at me and said "I don't need you to come in, I can do this myself." And he is even more independent and strong and wise than he was 14 years ago. I'll pray for him everyday the rest of his life.
Now I have to go because I can't see through my tears.
I had this titled "he's leaving me" but didn't want to give anyone wrong ideas.
You are stronger than I am. I can't imagine what I will be like in 11 years! I guess I can start now working on my "letting go". :)
ReplyDeleteYou had me crying at the first paragraph. My heart goes out to you and I will be praying for Nate. Growing up is not easy and at times it is downright scary. You have raised a wise and intelligent kid that has zest for life. Remember what you told me the day Emily turned 16 and wanted to start driving everywhere? I was a nervous wreck and scared to let go. Your words of wisdom to me was that she belongs to the Lord and we have to trust him to watch them no matter where they are. I believe that and God will be watching over Nate as well. He is going to do great things.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautiful, and I love that Sheila reminded you of your own great advice. It is so hard as a mom to let go...someday I will come crying to you!
ReplyDelete