I feel mean today. So I made a list. I made a list today of all the people who have hurt my feelings. All the people that I am upset with or because of their actions. I didn’t have to write down what they did, I know that. Nine people. After I wrote down their name, I added a column for whether they had asked for forgiveness. Then I added one for had their behavior changed to match their request for forgiveness/apology. It didn’t make me feel better.
I know this sounds terribly childish and un-Christian as well. And it is. And I’ll tell you what I did with the list in a minute. I was amazed at how many people I have hurt or anger towards in my heart. The hurt is different than the anger; I know I have to deal with them separately, except for where they are the same thing. Of the 9 people on my list, two have apologized. One’s actions and words back up the apology. The other apology goes right out the window because the behavior went right back to what it had been. A couple of them are passively aggressively continuing to dig at me, while I continue to distance myself from them. Four of these individuals don’t know I feel this way towards them. I’m sure if I said I was upset they would know why, but it’s not bothering them right now that I’m upset. It’s only bothering me. So these 9 people have been released. I’m sure I will have to remind myself of this, especially with two of them.
I thought about this list and went back to my One Word 2011. ME. What can I control? What am I responsible for? Not their actions, but mine. How I respond to this treatment. ME. What can I do? So I prayed over this list. Each person. I forgave them. And asked God to remind me I forgave them. I asked that I won’t try to get even or even make them feel bad. I prayed that I will forgive the way I want to be forgiven, and not try and make sure they know they’ve been forgiven as a way to make them feel bad for what they did. Go to them as a Christian offering forgiveness so you can tell them what they did that hurt your feelings. Or ask them to forgive you for the bitterness you had towards them so you can tell them why you were bitter. Like gossiping and calling it a prayer request.
As I tore this list up I also told myself I will do everything I can to stay off of other’s lists, too. I mean, if there are other people who are small and petty enough to make a list like this.
I will continue 2011 remembering ME! I am responsible for me, my actions, my behavior, my thoughts, and my words.
You might not appreciate your little exercise for whatever outward appearance of "un-Christian-like" behavior it may have had, but it was simply the means to a God-honoring end - forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteIt's no less proud a moment than people who harbor unforgiveness in their hearts for extended periods of time and never seek to forgive.
As we've been taught over and over, when we withhold forgiveness from others, the only people we're hurting are ourselves and God. You've done the right thing here, Patsy, and once again, your blunt honesty is a mirror to those of use who read your blog. And I mean that in a good way.
I always think to the equation
ReplyDeleteA + B = C
A-this is you
B-this is the "other" person
C-is the relationship (good or bad)
If C isn't what you would like it to be, the only factor you can change is A. By putting your energy and strength into that one factor, C will change. It may never be what you would like it to be, but it will change and you won't have wasted any time trying to change B. (BIG waste of time.)
BTW-being a "list maker" addict, I find your use of list making quite productive and thoughtful. Maybe if more people wrote down the things that were on their mind, the words that came out of their mouth would mean more?