Playlist

I have a new playlist. It's all secular. Almost angry music. Hard, driving beat. I turn up my earphones and dance. Around the living room, kitchen, at my desk, in the car. Stomping, fist pumping, just in general pounding out frustration. These lyrics, while some are dark and a little angry, make me feel better. Here are some of them. Please don't be scared, I really am okay.

"Just know I'm here, whenever you need me, I'll wait for you. Come back to me. I can't get close if you're not there, I can't get inside if there's no soul there, I can't face you, I can't save you, it's something you'll have to do. When you find you, come back to me."

"Say what you want but you’re not gonna win this time, Take what you want but just leave me alive"

"I can be so mean when I wanna be, I am capable of really anything, I can cut you into pieces, But my heart is broken."

"do you ever feel so paper thin, like a house of cards one blow from caving in".

There is something cathartic in stomping your feet, pounding your fist, shaking your booty, just letting it all go. I love Christian music, but right now it's hard for me to listen to for reasons I don't want to share. On the other side of that, I don't read anything but my Bible. I've had lots of books recommended, but I don't want them. I am happiest with my Bible. So this is my "guilty pleasure" except I don't feel guilty.

The dancing like a fool made me question myself, when did I stop having fun? When did I start worrying that someone might laugh at me? Mock my choice of music? When did I lose myself to what everyone else expects of me?